119.0 eyup. Bought elax, six smokes left. Chips, Cheese, Chocolate, Soda. I've yet to purge. Not going to hold my breath.
'via Blog this'
12/30/11
12/22/11
I Have Been, Gone.
 |
| On the: To buy list.. |
I have been away, been too long in my own mind. Thoughts will slosh together once and a while, a sea dark green, hazel, like my eyes.
Its been quite a while since my "So Long" post, but I feel I'm slipping again, and my thoughts rush to be recorded. I've been flipping the internet pages of blogs I follow, all their words reaching out and pulling my hair, my head closer to the screen. Okay, that's what it feels like at least.
I'm not too sure what I'm up to as of late in the weight category, I've got my time of the month coming soon, and have been eating out more nights then not. Regardless of the weeks before, I've been maintaining around 119 ish, ( high of 122, low of 117. ) So, as uncomfortable as I am, I know its better then where I was some time back. Rather, this time two years ago, even last year this time. Slow and steady I guess.
Took some E-Lax, and Durirex last night, haven't experienced a bowl movement in a while. Come to think of it, at times, I won't have one for all most a week. I think my on and off smoking has something to do with that of course. While on the subject, I bought another pack yesterday. The little insert advert had the words, highlighted in yellow, You Can Stop Smoking Without Gaining Weight! Stopped to catch my breath mid-crosswalk. "No more in 2012" is the mantra of course.
Then again, that could be the mantra for a lot of things I've been up to. I've been good in that touchy area of purging for a short bit. Eating went smooth for a week, with a meal planner Yannic had helped me with. Short lived of course. But very helpful when it was around. Perhaps another go in a while? Then again, nothing food plan related really sticks of course. Other then the 1940's grape fruit diet ;)
I'll be off to the library soon, catch a bus, take a bike, leave the house.
After the Lax stop turning me sideways of course.
10/22/11
Hello, And Goodbye.
An extended, but not permanent goodbye.
I`ve noticed the long gaps of blog neglect, and it does`t stir me to write.
I`ve noticed the long gaps of blog neglect, and it does`t stir me to write.
Ladies are Not Born, They are Made
Through my long search for a custom tea set, I`ve venchured further for any information I can find about victornian era etiquette. I do believe I`ve been born in the wrong era, and that my life would benifit if I studied how to be a lady. Of course this means a wardrobe over hal, and well, *shudders* studying. But in the end, I do see an over all improvement.
I've been attempting to journal, but, as with my blog, I'm failing to stick to anything. I enjoy writing my thoughts, but I feel the urge to rip out pages freshly written.
It's been about a week since I've seen Yannic, perhaps longer. He is away on a hunting trip, and lacks cell service (not to menchin I havn't any minutes. I'm planing on baking some cookies, and well tackle him the first chance I get. I've been missing him, a hell of a lot.
He wrote me a love letter the other day, my goodness, I loved it. It was his own sweet corny way, and well, made me miss him more.
Just this post has taken me three, four days, sad I know. I just don't feel the need to write anything down. Like nothing is anything, and it wouldn't make any difference. I think a step back to just go over everything. To sort out whats going on in my head, my heart, and my life. To go through my belongings, to reajust my priorities.
I'll be back soon, a post once and a while, but nothing too frequent. I know the desire will sir, I know it will. But for now, I'll sign off.
Think thin, follow your heart, and well, carry on.
Alice
xoxo
10/11/11
Two Fifteen Sharp
I'm really on the fence about getting more Zoloft. Has it really helped? That's really a question I can't answer.
And I haven't the money to get more.
But, TBH, every time I get a full bottle, and shake out my nightly three, I wonder what would really happen if I took four, five, maybe more. Those thoughts I don't enjoy having.
I don't enjoy them at all.
And I haven't the money to get more.
But, TBH, every time I get a full bottle, and shake out my nightly three, I wonder what would really happen if I took four, five, maybe more. Those thoughts I don't enjoy having.
I don't enjoy them at all.
T.B.H
I Could Drink Your Weight In Tea.
Just Say'n.
Is it "wrong"
I've taken diet pills to prevent an episode of purging?
Yeah, I thought so to.
10/10/11
Penn & Teller: Tell a Lie 1x01 A Head of Hair Can Lift A Mustang (2011) DivX - icefilms.info
Penn & Teller: Tell a Lie 1x01 A Head of Hair Can Lift A Mustang (2011) DivX - icefilms.info:
500 calories or one smoke? Yeah, I'd pick that one as well. I bought a pack the other day, just to get though fasting. I really did get though day one of my fast, got right down to 116.8, yeah you heard me correct. lowest I've been in a year(ish). I've been eating.. alot as of late.. got back up to 119, but this morning I've reached 117.4 so I'm happy about that. I've just gotta keep my intake down, and my smoking on the down low(er) (..as well with my blogging..) Any who.. Ho Hum.
I freaked out, I had em in my hand, right in the check out line, and I panicked. I couldn't buy them, I just couldn't. Down one pack of laxatives, up one pack of smokes.
500 calories or one smoke? Yeah, I'd pick that one as well. I bought a pack the other day, just to get though fasting. I really did get though day one of my fast, got right down to 116.8, yeah you heard me correct. lowest I've been in a year(ish). I've been eating.. alot as of late.. got back up to 119, but this morning I've reached 117.4 so I'm happy about that. I've just gotta keep my intake down, and my smoking on the down low(er) (..as well with my blogging..) Any who.. Ho Hum.
I freaked out, I had em in my hand, right in the check out line, and I panicked. I couldn't buy them, I just couldn't. Down one pack of laxatives, up one pack of smokes.
I've been in contact with Annie and Asia, more so as of late. I've really missed talking to them! I've been able to talk to them about whats going on.
10/6/11
"Never Tell Shmit..
But I've always loved bubbles.."
I've purged, twice. In the staff washroom. I'm at 118.6, and (fingers crossed) after todays fast, I'll be lower.
Thats all.
I've purged, twice. In the staff washroom. I'm at 118.6, and (fingers crossed) after todays fast, I'll be lower.
Thats all.
10/5/11
Oh Mondays (118.2)
wait.. its just Tuesday. well then.
this whole BLOGGING thing has become a chore, well not completely, but I'm finding myself less willing to post about my boring life. Well the only new news I really have is about Kami, we took him to the vet, shaved the area and well turns out his gash was a tad larger then we thought.. but we have med's for him now, and it'll take about 2-3 weeks for it to fully heal. Other then that, I got burned at work, hot water is hot btw. but I'm okay. The vegan thing is going great, a few slips now and then, but thats only cause I'm under 600 each day. so its too be expected. Once I get paid Friday, I'll be shopping for real foods! And a few vegan treats as well, so if I slip I'll be still vegan! My arms are killing me though.. more then ever.. so is my jaw now that I think about it.. ho hum. So as the title says, I'm at 118.2 as of this morning. I'm worried about tomorrows weigh in though.. cause I've had two granola bars on top of the rice dish I had at lunch.. so no more for me!
----------------------Wednesday (118.5)----------------------
I'm oh so very sleepy..
this whole BLOGGING thing has become a chore, well not completely, but I'm finding myself less willing to post about my boring life. Well the only new news I really have is about Kami, we took him to the vet, shaved the area and well turns out his gash was a tad larger then we thought.. but we have med's for him now, and it'll take about 2-3 weeks for it to fully heal. Other then that, I got burned at work, hot water is hot btw. but I'm okay. The vegan thing is going great, a few slips now and then, but thats only cause I'm under 600 each day. so its too be expected. Once I get paid Friday, I'll be shopping for real foods! And a few vegan treats as well, so if I slip I'll be still vegan! My arms are killing me though.. more then ever.. so is my jaw now that I think about it.. ho hum. So as the title says, I'm at 118.2 as of this morning. I'm worried about tomorrows weigh in though.. cause I've had two granola bars on top of the rice dish I had at lunch.. so no more for me!
----------------------Wednesday (118.5)----------------------
I'm oh so very sleepy..
10/2/11
melancholy playlist - stereomood - music for moods and activities - StumbleUpon
melancholy playlist - stereomood - music for moods and activities - StumbleUpon:
remember what I told you. No more then 120.0
guess what. 120.0 :P
WIN
'via Blog this'
remember what I told you. No more then 120.0
guess what. 120.0 :P
WIN
'via Blog this'
9/30/11
True Test?
Weekend Warrior.
Caffeine fueled with my fill of diet pills.
I WILL NOT come home above 120.0
I'm finally on my way back down, I'm in control and I will be 115 by my next orthodontist appointment.
(The 19th)
I've got 5 lbs left, And I Will Not Let One Night Away Muck That Up.
I know all that I've gotta know to get through this.
*Deep Breath*
Caffeine fueled with my fill of diet pills.
I WILL NOT come home above 120.0
I'm finally on my way back down, I'm in control and I will be 115 by my next orthodontist appointment.
(The 19th)
I've got 5 lbs left, And I Will Not Let One Night Away Muck That Up.
I know all that I've gotta know to get through this.
*Deep Breath*
120.0
down 4.7 lbs. I'm worried about this weekend. I just want to sleep. maybe I'll nap again today? I dunno..
I'm so hungry.
----------------------**Update**----------------------
I had another short nap, still feeling like crap though.. I caved and had a slice of bread (70) with some peanut butter (90) and barely half an apple (55). Just had two slimquick pills, which I\m hoping gets me through the night, and I'm bringing more along. I'm not too bad on the calories today, but I can do better.
I had another short nap, still feeling like crap though.. I caved and had a slice of bread (70) with some peanut butter (90) and barely half an apple (55). Just had two slimquick pills, which I\m hoping gets me through the night, and I'm bringing more along. I'm not too bad on the calories today, but I can do better.
9/29/11
Veganism
Bringing German Sarah And I That Much More Alike.
Member when I went vegan? Yeah. I'm taking another stab at it.
I was talking with yannic last night, about my eating as of late, and he pointed something out, I was much more careful with my eating as a vegetarian or vegan, and well, he is right. I'm going to be tracking my calories again as well, no, not as hard core as I was, but just a guesstamit, no messurging things, just an eye ball figure.
or maybe not. I enjoy the diet pills, durexs and laxivtes like forever ago. maybe, if need be, purging..
started at 124.7.. yesterday, 123.8, this morning, 122.2. not too bad if i say so my self. (thats a 2.5 lb loss.. just saying.)
OH! and the ED book I ordered from coles has arrived! HUZZAH! now just got to wait till I can read it.. ho hum.
Member when I went vegan? Yeah. I'm taking another stab at it.
I was talking with yannic last night, about my eating as of late, and he pointed something out, I was much more careful with my eating as a vegetarian or vegan, and well, he is right. I'm going to be tracking my calories again as well, no, not as hard core as I was, but just a guesstamit, no messurging things, just an eye ball figure.
started at 124.7.. yesterday, 123.8, this morning, 122.2. not too bad if i say so my self. (thats a 2.5 lb loss.. just saying.)
OH! and the ED book I ordered from coles has arrived! HUZZAH! now just got to wait till I can read it.. ho hum.
9/27/11
Okay, To Be Honset
I've been lacking on the posting. NO EXCUSES! I know this blogging deal is soley for my benifits, and what ever ( if any) comments I get are a nice reminder I'm not really as crazy as I think.
(30 minute gap.. In which I got lost in Weird Al videos..)
*Ahem..* Any whom, I'm about to tweet Snookie.. Ask (plead) her to give me tips and tricks.. is that wrong? she's getting tiny! and well.. I'd love to hear from her! ah blah.. OKAY. Off to the drawing board! I NEED to kick my ass in gear! GYM RUNNING THIN THIN THIN. And well I need this. My work out and work time will be NUMBER ONE! Then everything else. I'll lose my self like before, I want it, Trigger Me Happy.
YES that means two meals, maybe one. NOTHING MORE.
YES that means diet pills, Caffeine Pills.
YES, running, moving everyday.
the scale will be god. end of story.
(30 minute gap.. In which I got lost in Weird Al videos..)
*Ahem..* Any whom, I'm about to tweet Snookie.. Ask (plead) her to give me tips and tricks.. is that wrong? she's getting tiny! and well.. I'd love to hear from her! ah blah.. OKAY. Off to the drawing board! I NEED to kick my ass in gear! GYM RUNNING THIN THIN THIN. And well I need this. My work out and work time will be NUMBER ONE! Then everything else. I'll lose my self like before, I want it, Trigger Me Happy.
YES that means two meals, maybe one. NOTHING MORE.
YES that means diet pills, Caffeine Pills.
YES, running, moving everyday.
the scale will be god. end of story.
Two&A1/2Men
But with out the drugs.
I'm all over the place again, more anti social and fearing my job is on the line, even though I've been picking up everything and really trying my best. I want to be thin. I want to love myself. I want. I want. I need.
I'm all over the place again, more anti social and fearing my job is on the line, even though I've been picking up everything and really trying my best. I want to be thin. I want to love myself. I want. I want. I need.
9/16/11
Vodka And Bus Rides
I want to tell her.. Tell her everything. Let it loose. See where is runs to.
Why can't I.. ? She's my best friend..
Why can't I.. ? She's my best friend..
9/15/11
One Track Mind
9/11/11
Awareness Ribbons
Now, I'm not too sure if I've gone over this with this blog or not, but here is the info. (from WIKI of course)
Awareness ribbons
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Awareness ribbons, due to their ubiquitous nature, have come to symbolize various concerns depending on the colours or the patterns used. For example, black ribbons may be used for mourning.
Yellow ribbons, in the United States, are used to show that a close family member is abroad in military service. In Russia, Belarus and other countries of the former USSR gold and black striped ribbons are used to celebrate the Allies' victory in World War II (9 May).
Of the uses of ribbons to draw awareness to health issues, perhaps the most well-known is the red ribbon for support of those with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome(AIDS). Other health and social concerns which have adopted coloured ribbons include Alzheimer's disease (purple), Breast Cancer (pink), bipolar disorder (green), and brain disorder or disability (silver).
Political use of ribbons include red ribbons worn to commemorate the October Revolution (7 November) in the former Soviet Union, and orange ribbons in the Orange Revolutionin Ukraine.
Other ornaments, including flowers (of specific kinds), bracelets and badges may serve essentially the same purpose of drawing attention to a cause. These include poppies,rosettes and wristbands.
See also
Wrighting A Book,
Make It A Sci-Fy!
I'm thinking of turning over to Kilo in stead of Pounds. Smaller number I guess?
But on an unrelated note, if I reach 120.3 I'm at 22.0 BMI.. Not sure thats good. or not. I'm craving 20.0 BMI(109.3lbs) .. or 19.9 (108.9lbs)..
I'm thinking of turning over to Kilo in stead of Pounds. Smaller number I guess?
But on an unrelated note, if I reach 120.3 I'm at 22.0 BMI.. Not sure thats good. or not. I'm craving 20.0 BMI(109.3lbs) .. or 19.9 (108.9lbs)..
9/9/11
122.2
I'm done. Finally! Done! Ah, what a feeling!
After a horrid last shift, I planned on just going to the liquor store and drinking my depression away. But well, life has another plan I guess. I just wanna drink all this stress and worry away. Long Necks Down, eh?
So, with having my braces tighten'd and all, smoothies ahoy. Which isn't all that bad, I mean I've been losing weight, and well, I'm HUNGRY! GRRR! But I love it. I missed this hunger. I miss the growl, the faint and dizziness. Is that bad? I guess so..But I like it.
After a horrid last shift, I planned on just going to the liquor store and drinking my depression away. But well, life has another plan I guess. I just wanna drink all this stress and worry away. Long Necks Down, eh?
So, with having my braces tighten'd and all, smoothies ahoy. Which isn't all that bad, I mean I've been losing weight, and well, I'm HUNGRY! GRRR! But I love it. I missed this hunger. I miss the growl, the faint and dizziness. Is that bad? I guess so..
9/6/11
Vegan?
I think I should give it another go?
I've got a ton of tofu noodles and such so when I go through that, VEGAN AHOY!
I mean, I need to loose this weight. I REALLY do.
Fuck. I'm Huge.
I've got a ton of tofu noodles and such so when I go through that, VEGAN AHOY!
I mean, I need to loose this weight. I REALLY do.
To Be (Completely) Honest..
I'm getting mean.. I just razzed a poor girl on facebook..
She had a profile photo of a tiny tummy side view, and I commented just a tad nasty, thinking nothing more of it then self satisfaction, then it went futher.. Gah I'm horrid. Just to make myself feel better.
Then again..
Maybe thats just whats she needs.
She had a profile photo of a tiny tummy side view, and I commented just a tad nasty, thinking nothing more of it then self satisfaction, then it went futher.. Gah I'm horrid. Just to make myself feel better.
Then again..
Om nom nom?!
After Bite.
Got back from the camping trip and GOODNESS ME covered in bug bites!
*ichy ichy...*
Anywho.. I'm broke. Broke JOKE! yeah.. I regret jummping the gun with ya know.. quiting and ALL THAT! Now its all sorta hitting me like a HUGE brick wall.. I'm jobless come the 9th, and I've nothing lined up.. I've fixed up my resume and all that, and I've got a a few places to drop it off at.. but still.. the stress is still there.
I'm feeling restless. Body image is all over the place once again, and my food intake is well I havn't a clue. Yeah, its that bad. I'm trying to do good, but I don't know whats good any more I guess.. ah blah this post is depressing.
Mkay, well I've gotta go, upped dose of mah zoloft is waiting for me. Then bottom braces tomorrow :(
Got back from the camping trip and GOODNESS ME covered in bug bites!
*ichy ichy...*
Anywho.. I'm broke. Broke JOKE! yeah.. I regret jummping the gun with ya know.. quiting and ALL THAT! Now its all sorta hitting me like a HUGE brick wall.. I'm jobless come the 9th, and I've nothing lined up.. I've fixed up my resume and all that, and I've got a a few places to drop it off at.. but still.. the stress is still there.
I'm feeling restless. Body image is all over the place once again, and my food intake is well I havn't a clue. Yeah, its that bad. I'm trying to do good, but I don't know whats good any more I guess.. ah blah this post is depressing.
Mkay, well I've gotta go, upped dose of mah zoloft is waiting for me. Then bottom braces tomorrow :(
8/31/11
Black & Blue - Chris Garneau
As of late, There Has Been A Recurrence, the good ole wave of blue.
Something I can say, I truly didn't miss, one bit.
But here is it, Stage Right, Etc.
 |
| Double Kidney Washes. Yum. |
Although the stress of high school work is passing, the constant pressure of work is still lingering, and well its unpleasant. The factor of money, or well, lack there of, is drilling me down. To top it off, the bindging is returning, so is the feeling of utter hatred within, and of, my own skin. Gotta love the thought process of an ED mind set, eh?
8/29/11
8/28/11
8/25/11
I will be so tiny.: posted this on PT a while ago.
I will be so tiny.: posted this on PT a while ago.: Just a poem I wrote. oh alice, you foolish little girl. you could have had it all in either world. as a child you were scared you were in...
8/24/11
Shoulda Double Thought It
But I Really Couldn't Care Either Way.
I've lost 3.8 lbs, I started Sunday.
I think I'm back at square one.
Good. I deserve it.
Life with an Eating Disorder
Life with an Eating Disorder
People think its simple. To not eat. Something we each do every single day of our lives to stay alive.Most think its an easy habit to cut out of your life - that its the "easy way out" to starve yourself.
Anyone with an ED will beg to differ.
When this obsession controls your life and you find yourself trapped - its far from easy. Its the hardest life to live - as an Ana/Mia.
Your mind controls you - every day is a battle between instinct and willpower.
I look in the mirror and see someone that disgusts me. Starving myself makes me feel alive, makes me appreciate beauty and love myself. Love myself up until that point where I cave in and open my mouth for a bite. Just one bite - a bite that throws my self worth and self respect completely off the table.
The world in general likes to look down on people with Eating Disorders - and feel sympathy for the obese. How is that ok???
Us that walk around nearly passing out from weakness in an attempt to find beauty for ourselves - not the world - for our own happiness - and people judge us. The fat person gulping down meds has to be sympathized for "shame honey, don't call her fat". That's not fair.
Its their choice to become so obese, and its ours to limit our food.
This is a constant battle for me, every single day, and its not something a healthy diet will cure or some counseling will fix - this I my reality.
My best friend...Ana.
My worst enemy...Ana.
My life.
________________________________
The above story was submitted by an anonymous member of the community.
The image is by the wonderfully talented Glenn Arthur
Submit your stories or art, comments or criticisms to me and help make this website yours.
8/19/11
The Curse - Josh Ritter
As I was going about (attempting) my homework, I often use this site to listen to new music, from this, I had found Josh Ritter. I do hope you enjoy it as I have.
8/18/11
The Snake (2008)
The funniest movie about dating a bulimic... possibly ever.
or so IMDB tell me so.
I've been attempting to get IceFilms to run the damn movie for a little while now, and its yet to get any further. Giving up temporarily, I found an old ep (1989) of Degrassi Junior High, untitled, "Food For Thought" (yeah, I'm drawn to shows with ED eps.. sooorryy.) It was alright, but I've gotta admit, it was quite triggering as well. The part when Kathleen takes off to purge, a thought flashed through my mind "hey, I remember how easy that was, I should start that up again." honestly, that's what inner monologue Sara said. sad eh?Besides that, when I had gone home to pick up a few things, find a tent etc, while my mum was away, guess what I found under the table? My food journal. The very one I tossed in the trash bag, and told mum to toss away. She when through it. Found my journal. And kept it. SHOOT ME? knowing her however, she's too dense to really know what it is.. and well that's a good thing for me. I dunno though, I felt violated, and weak. Imagine a year of writing, wait, not just that, a year of writing that's not filtered cause you know you'll never share or show the contence of your book. imagine that, found, read, and kept. when you thought it was in the dump by now and will never see the light of day, again.
yeah, burns alittle don't it?
long story short, its sitting, all snug under the matres, Mocking me. (a tad too loudly
for my comfort.) and I just don't know for the life of me what to do with it.
help?
8/11/11
8/9/11
Things going well?
Meh.
But for two hours on Saturday they will be going much better. I've booked a couples masseuse and pedicures, for me and yannics two year anniversary. So I do hope he likes it!
I've reached 122 and a bit, and well thats fine with me. I've been losing slowing, while making healthy choices. I'm still battling all these damn thoughts but well as hard as it is, I've got alot other things to stress over.
all the normal things of course.. again and again.
I've started watching Wilfred, Its the right kind of comedy for me. A twist on something grand that's for sure.
I'm sending my love over seas, and hope it reaches Germany. Its been quite awhile since I've heard from Sarah, and well I know its summer over there and all, but I just hope she's well.
But for two hours on Saturday they will be going much better. I've booked a couples masseuse and pedicures, for me and yannics two year anniversary. So I do hope he likes it!
I've reached 122 and a bit, and well thats fine with me. I've been losing slowing, while making healthy choices. I'm still battling all these damn thoughts but well as hard as it is, I've got alot other things to stress over.
all the normal things of course.. again and again.
I've started watching Wilfred, Its the right kind of comedy for me. A twist on something grand that's for sure.
I'm sending my love over seas, and hope it reaches Germany. Its been quite awhile since I've heard from Sarah, and well I know its summer over there and all, but I just hope she's well.
8/5/11
We aren't all perfect
I certainly am no where near.
I broke down crying, in the cereal isle of all places
Too many thoughts running through my head, and everything screaming to get one when I really wanted the other. I'm so glad yannic was there, he helped me talk it out, and I got what one I really wanted. (And damn, it was good.) After saying how bad I felt, a bunch of times, for yannic having to see that, we had a great dicusion on the drive back about things, and inter working of the brain. He told me he is glad I can be so open with him, and to be honest, so am I. It sucks saying I'm close with Naya, when she has no idea whats going on with me.
The real question, is this my road torecovery?
I broke down crying, in the cereal isle of all places
Too many thoughts running through my head, and everything screaming to get one when I really wanted the other. I'm so glad yannic was there, he helped me talk it out, and I got what one I really wanted. (And damn, it was good.) After saying how bad I felt, a bunch of times, for yannic having to see that, we had a great dicusion on the drive back about things, and inter working of the brain. He told me he is glad I can be so open with him, and to be honest, so am I. It sucks saying I'm close with Naya, when she has no idea whats going on with me.
The real question, is this my road to
8/3/11
8/1/11
Little Invisible, Lady?
I'm one assignment from forever being DONE with silly highschool home work.
Oh, and if I havnt said it before, I'll say it again.
I, Love, Yannic. (a lot in fact)
On sunday we explored, hand in hand, the fair. It was lots of fun indeed! After exploring all the petting animals, and very interesting birds.. We heading down to the fair rides and picked one to ride, Yannic choose the Zipper. Yeah.. I screamed. A lot. There were quite a few "I hate you"s and many horror screams. But I'm glad I got dragged on, I mean sure I was scared, but I admire the fact Yannic nudges me a tad to try new things, and push my boundaries. After I regained my footing, we trotted over to the games area, were a very skilled balloon popper won me a medium sized stuffed Domo! (Ah, he really knows the way to my heart.) We stayed for perhaps a half hour of the rodeo show and went home. It was a cute little date, and I enjoyed every minute.
tomorrow I get my bottom braces on, fun right? no, not at all.. Ah well, I'm meeting up with my mum for some lunch and then my appointment. I figure no pain no gain. And my teeth will be flawless!
Its been about a week without tracking my intake or output. It dosen't really scare me, at least not as much as I thought it would. I still know the amounts in what I'm eating, I just don't tally it up or over think it too much. I've been keeping up with my running, and my vitamins, and really can't wait to have a day off to take it all in. I'm try to slowly change my habbits in to better choices, and damn, Mia's got quite the set of pipes on her, she's hard to keep quite, let alone think over at times. I'm getting alittle better, one day/meal at a time.
I know that I'll be struggling with this my whole life, but at least I'm not at rock bottom anymore.
Oh, and if I havnt said it before, I'll say it again.
I, Love, Yannic. (a lot in fact)
On sunday we explored, hand in hand, the fair. It was lots of fun indeed! After exploring all the petting animals, and very interesting birds.. We heading down to the fair rides and picked one to ride, Yannic choose the Zipper. Yeah.. I screamed. A lot. There were quite a few "I hate you"s and many horror screams. But I'm glad I got dragged on, I mean sure I was scared, but I admire the fact Yannic nudges me a tad to try new things, and push my boundaries. After I regained my footing, we trotted over to the games area, were a very skilled balloon popper won me a medium sized stuffed Domo! (Ah, he really knows the way to my heart.) We stayed for perhaps a half hour of the rodeo show and went home. It was a cute little date, and I enjoyed every minute.
tomorrow I get my bottom braces on, fun right? no, not at all.. Ah well, I'm meeting up with my mum for some lunch and then my appointment. I figure no pain no gain. And my teeth will be flawless!
Its been about a week without tracking my intake or output. It dosen't really scare me, at least not as much as I thought it would. I still know the amounts in what I'm eating, I just don't tally it up or over think it too much. I've been keeping up with my running, and my vitamins, and really can't wait to have a day off to take it all in. I'm try to slowly change my habbits in to better choices, and damn, Mia's got quite the set of pipes on her, she's hard to keep quite, let alone think over at times. I'm getting alittle better, one day/meal at a time.
I know that I'll be struggling with this my whole life, but at least I'm not at rock bottom anymore.
7/28/11
Sunny Days --
Sweeping the clouds away.
For the first sunny day this summer, I had to work. Of course right?
Ah well, i enjoyed a cuppa-joe in the morning sun, (after my run of course)
And rode off to work. blah. Have I ever menchined how much I hate that store?
Well I do.
Alot.
Ah well, I came home to a happy house :) and a little kitty! Buddy was found and brought over to the new place! ah, it feels amazing having a kitty all curled up in my lap, needing my pants and purrring. Love at first tail swat!
My computer is FINALLY all setup! Everything downloaded and right where it belongs. (with new games and everything!) Member the first Humble Indie Bundles? Well the lovely Yannic had gifted the first two a while back, and the newest one yesterday! ah, he knows the way to my heart.
This weekend, I do hope we get to watch the fireworks and head to the fair! Oh it would be amazing!
*Ps, Pooped.
For the first sunny day this summer, I had to work. Of course right?
Ah well, i enjoyed a cuppa-joe in the morning sun, (after my run of course)
And rode off to work. blah. Have I ever menchined how much I hate that store?
Well I do.
Alot.
Ah well, I came home to a happy house :) and a little kitty! Buddy was found and brought over to the new place! ah, it feels amazing having a kitty all curled up in my lap, needing my pants and purrring. Love at first tail swat!
My computer is FINALLY all setup! Everything downloaded and right where it belongs. (with new games and everything!) Member the first Humble Indie Bundles? Well the lovely Yannic had gifted the first two a while back, and the newest one yesterday! ah, he knows the way to my heart.
This weekend, I do hope we get to watch the fireworks and head to the fair! Oh it would be amazing!
*Ps, Pooped.
7/27/11
Cardboard boxes
And packing tape.
All moved in! Well sorta.. Me and naya are sharing the bedroom till the rest of em figure things out, (so half our things are in boxes...) but we are comfortable and home in our room.
I wish I wasn't so lazy and would start up my computer, as typing on my iPod isn't quite prefered. Ah well.
I've tossed my food journal. Poof. Gone.
A year of daily logging gone. I'm trying to stop thinking about logging it all. I've downloaded a appetite logging app with which I take a daily photo and rate how healthy I ate that day. The goal is to make it to a hundred point and you get your favorite meal no guilt. It's cute the little bunny icon either gains or looses according to your score, hehe. I'm also running every other morning and taking supplements. I'm trying to keep in mind slow and steady will win the race. I'm down from 126 to 123 so somethings working. (now only if I'd poop!)
I feel alittle bad fibbing to nana and papa.. I told them I'm lactose intolerant with a glutent allergy. Now don't look at me as a bad guy, both those things are true, on a very small degree.. It gets me outta eating and so Ive got more control.. Blah. I haunt binges or purged in a while (still using laxatives and diuretics however..)
And feel naughty for having diet books under my bed.. Like I'm hiding porn or drugs or something!
As for school: One. Section. Left.
Yeah, you read me right!
Then I'm finished!
Woooo
Ps. I really like it here. Having a house full of people is nice. Calming even. I feel happier, and I feel releaved I can be here for naya if she ever needed me.
All moved in! Well sorta.. Me and naya are sharing the bedroom till the rest of em figure things out, (so half our things are in boxes...) but we are comfortable and home in our room.
I wish I wasn't so lazy and would start up my computer, as typing on my iPod isn't quite prefered. Ah well.
I've tossed my food journal. Poof. Gone.
A year of daily logging gone. I'm trying to stop thinking about logging it all. I've downloaded a appetite logging app with which I take a daily photo and rate how healthy I ate that day. The goal is to make it to a hundred point and you get your favorite meal no guilt. It's cute the little bunny icon either gains or looses according to your score, hehe. I'm also running every other morning and taking supplements. I'm trying to keep in mind slow and steady will win the race. I'm down from 126 to 123 so somethings working. (now only if I'd poop!)
I feel alittle bad fibbing to nana and papa.. I told them I'm lactose intolerant with a glutent allergy. Now don't look at me as a bad guy, both those things are true, on a very small degree.. It gets me outta eating and so Ive got more control.. Blah. I haunt binges or purged in a while (still using laxatives and diuretics however..)
And feel naughty for having diet books under my bed.. Like I'm hiding porn or drugs or something!
As for school: One. Section. Left.
Yeah, you read me right!
Then I'm finished!
Woooo
Ps. I really like it here. Having a house full of people is nice. Calming even. I feel happier, and I feel releaved I can be here for naya if she ever needed me.
7/14/11
Oh, Hello.
*waves timidly* Blogger, uh, long time no update? heh, how ya been?
Well, on my end of things, alot had gone down. Work is worse then ever, (seems I'm the bosses new punching bag..) The California trip is pretty much canceled cause she's not giving me the two days I'd need off.. ah blah. On a brighter side of things by the end of the month I should be moved in with Naya. I know right O_O never really thought this day would pop up! She's moving in to her nana's basement suit and (since things with mum are going a tad down hill..) I'll be joining her! HUZZAH! so for the past two weeks I've been helping her pack and its been great hanging out with her again. I really did miss her. So, as for schooling, after just barely getting kicked out, I got it sorted out and I'm two sections away from being FINISHED :D hehe YAY!
I'll have wifi there and be able to post more often! I'm a tad worried though, I don't want her eating habits get the best of me, and well. I really don't want mine to give me away. Even though I decided to tell her about my struggles with my ED and all, a while back, but I just don't think I can. Maybe when I move out? nah.. I just can't do that. She's the one last friend I've got left..
oh, and BTW O_O
Owl City concert on Saturday!!
I shall post a TON about it and how amazing Yannic is for getting tickets <3
ta ta for now,
think thin
-Alice
Well, on my end of things, alot had gone down. Work is worse then ever, (seems I'm the bosses new punching bag..) The California trip is pretty much canceled cause she's not giving me the two days I'd need off.. ah blah. On a brighter side of things by the end of the month I should be moved in with Naya. I know right O_O never really thought this day would pop up! She's moving in to her nana's basement suit and (since things with mum are going a tad down hill..) I'll be joining her! HUZZAH! so for the past two weeks I've been helping her pack and its been great hanging out with her again. I really did miss her. So, as for schooling, after just barely getting kicked out, I got it sorted out and I'm two sections away from being FINISHED :D hehe YAY!
I'll have wifi there and be able to post more often! I'm a tad worried though, I don't want her eating habits get the best of me, and well. I really don't want mine to give me away. Even though I decided to tell her about my struggles with my ED and all, a while back, but I just don't think I can. Maybe when I move out? nah.. I just can't do that. She's the one last friend I've got left..
oh, and BTW O_O
Owl City concert on Saturday!!
I shall post a TON about it and how amazing Yannic is for getting tickets <3
ta ta for now,
think thin
-Alice
6/20/11
Section 1 Assignment..
Drags On. Forever.
Yannic's on his way over to help me get started at least. I'm not sure what all to tell him when he gets here. Besides that I'm a stuipd lazy girl. Woo..
I'm really sick of this all.
On the brighter side, if you can call it that.. Zoloft isn't going as smoothly as I'd like it to be. I know the side effects list "suicidal thoughts" but its one thing to read it then being faced with them.
Yannic's on his way over to help me get started at least. I'm not sure what all to tell him when he gets here. Besides that I'm a stuipd lazy girl. Woo..
I'm really sick of this all.
On the brighter side, if you can call it that.. Zoloft isn't going as smoothly as I'd like it to be. I know the side effects list "suicidal thoughts" but its one thing to read it then being faced with them.
6/17/11
As "thoughts of a MONSTER" had posted:
When losing weight is your passion
And starving means control
You know you have a problem
Or at least that's what you're told
When you look at thinspiration
And that's all you want to be
You tell yourself you will do anything
To be like the girls you see
Checking out pro-ana sites
To find an Ana friend
Trying out the tips and tricks
Losing weight is the latest trend
Starving for perfection
Doing anything to be thin
Want to see the bones
Maybe that'll make you love yourself again
But deep down you know you're lying
You know it'll only make things worse
But you just can't give it up
"Hunger hurts but starving works"
The pounds may drop
But you'll still feel just as fat
You'll still hate the reflection in the mirror
You'll see a body covered in fat
Everyone around you
Will notice how sick you are
But you'll deny you have a problem
You haven't taken it too far
Killing yourself slowly
A prolonged suicide
Sometimes you wish it would kill you
It's better than living with the monster that's inside
You know that you are miserable
Living with the voice inside your head
You also know that if you're not careful
You'll go too far and you'll be dead
But a part of you doesn't care
And that's what scares you most
Not caring if you die
For a body you can't boast
You know there's only one way
To make yourself feel good
Recovery will make it better
If you were stronger than you would
You have the strength within you
Even though you disagree
You have everything it takes
To make it through recovery
So take it step by step
And take it one bite at a time
One day you'll be free
From that monster in your mind
It'll take hard work
But it's worth it in the end
Recovery will save you
Recovery will help you mend
So don't give up your life
For an unattainable goal
Choose to recover
And you'll truly have control
Life will get better
If you stay on recovery's path
No it won't be easy
Yes you will have a lapse
But everyone has setbacks
You just have to get up and start again
You can do it
Happiness is just around the bend
And starving means control
You know you have a problem
Or at least that's what you're told
When you look at thinspiration
And that's all you want to be
You tell yourself you will do anything
To be like the girls you see
Checking out pro-ana sites
To find an Ana friend
Trying out the tips and tricks
Losing weight is the latest trend
Starving for perfection
Doing anything to be thin
Want to see the bones
Maybe that'll make you love yourself again
But deep down you know you're lying
You know it'll only make things worse
But you just can't give it up
"Hunger hurts but starving works"
The pounds may drop
But you'll still feel just as fat
You'll still hate the reflection in the mirror
You'll see a body covered in fat
Everyone around you
Will notice how sick you are
But you'll deny you have a problem
You haven't taken it too far
Killing yourself slowly
A prolonged suicide
Sometimes you wish it would kill you
It's better than living with the monster that's inside
You know that you are miserable
Living with the voice inside your head
You also know that if you're not careful
You'll go too far and you'll be dead
But a part of you doesn't care
And that's what scares you most
Not caring if you die
For a body you can't boast
You know there's only one way
To make yourself feel good
Recovery will make it better
If you were stronger than you would
You have the strength within you
Even though you disagree
You have everything it takes
To make it through recovery
So take it step by step
And take it one bite at a time
One day you'll be free
From that monster in your mind
It'll take hard work
But it's worth it in the end
Recovery will save you
Recovery will help you mend
So don't give up your life
For an unattainable goal
Choose to recover
And you'll truly have control
Life will get better
If you stay on recovery's path
No it won't be easy
Yes you will have a lapse
But everyone has setbacks
You just have to get up and start again
You can do it
Happiness is just around the bend
Like so
(Wrap your arms around me)
Bcit? Vcad?
Yeah.. I dunno.
Hit 121 today. Six lbs in two weeks (y)
I've really made no progress with English work... Blah blah I know.
It's been a year since I've left school. I'm a year behind.
I'm worried that graphic desgin isn't my fortay.. Worried I'm chaseing this dream casue I've never sot anything else.. I'm lacking strong stuits that's for sure..
I just want this to be over.
I'm done.
Tapping out.
Bcit? Vcad?
Yeah.. I dunno.
Hit 121 today. Six lbs in two weeks (y)
I've really made no progress with English work... Blah blah I know.
It's been a year since I've left school. I'm a year behind.
I'm worried that graphic desgin isn't my fortay.. Worried I'm chaseing this dream casue I've never sot anything else.. I'm lacking strong stuits that's for sure..
I just want this to be over.
I'm done.
Tapping out.
What a beautiful mess this is
Its like picking up trash in dresses.
I can see many groups of teens, dressed in formal attire, from my seat in the library.
Gotta love regrets.
I wish I went to prom.
I can recall three or four years ago, attempting to explain the importance of prom to evan, and how he'd miss out on so much not going.
Don't get me wrong, I don't miss high school.
Just miss all the important milestones is all.
I can see many groups of teens, dressed in formal attire, from my seat in the library.
Gotta love regrets.
I wish I went to prom.
I can recall three or four years ago, attempting to explain the importance of prom to evan, and how he'd miss out on so much not going.
Don't get me wrong, I don't miss high school.
Just miss all the important milestones is all.
6/9/11
Dearest andrew;
In two years time, I'll make it, I really will. I'll take your advice, and make it to the top.
"Find the person wearing a suit, only cause they have to :) "
"Find the person wearing a suit, only cause they have to :) "
To be honest..
I now know which gender I am,
but I still long to hide in the safety net of baggy clothes and a binded chest.
but I still long to hide in the safety net of baggy clothes and a binded chest.
6/1/11
Wide open..
I've done it! I've finally found directrix's in Canada :O
*Cue chorus of angles*
Yeah I know, waggle your finger all you wish..
They were cheap water pills and well, it's worth a try.
OH! I've started art journalling!
Once I get a few more pages done, I'll scan em to blogger and let you see what I've been up to!
Which includes flaming cupcakes and jetpacks on godzillas.
Yeah, That Awesome.
Think Thin Tiny Loves <3
*Cue chorus of angles*
Yeah I know, waggle your finger all you wish..
They were cheap water pills and well, it's worth a try.
OH! I've started art journalling!
Once I get a few more pages done, I'll scan em to blogger and let you see what I've been up to!
Which includes flaming cupcakes and jetpacks on godzillas.
Yeah, That Awesome.
Think Thin Tiny Loves <3
5/31/11
W/ Lime?
Hamlet Fever? Noting I Can't Handel!
Thanks to my lovely Yannic, and his idea to simply CALL the school.
I wouldn't be shipping off my Hamlet book, and waiting on Death Of A Salesman.
Yes, I've upgraded a few centuries, and I WILL GRADUATE.
On the down side however, I'll have to wait till October to have my final English exam.
(since its a provincial exam, there is only two dates, one from the start of school (October) and one at the end (June) So either I finish the course in twenty days, or I wait till October!)
But really, I slept soundly last night. The stress of hamlet is fading, I took my poetry test today, and rearrange my room. I'm getting it together. (Now only if my diet would follow suit!)
I'm off to write my pen pals (Which I get the feeling they don't care to mail me any more..)
(but Really I See My Self Fighting With Sims Till It Lets Me Play!)
I've got a long week/end ahead of me;
work tomorrow and more cleaning I think! And picking up more Zoloft.
Then camping this weekend (I hope its just me and yannic..)
Saturday is the clothing swap, and Sunday is work again?
Goodness.. On the seventh I start swimming lessons!
Well, Better Get Writing!
Think Thin
XOXO
Thanks to my lovely Yannic, and his idea to simply CALL the school.
I wouldn't be shipping off my Hamlet book, and waiting on Death Of A Salesman.
Yes, I've upgraded a few centuries, and I WILL GRADUATE.
On the down side however, I'll have to wait till October to have my final English exam.
(since its a provincial exam, there is only two dates, one from the start of school (October) and one at the end (June) So either I finish the course in twenty days, or I wait till October!)
But really, I slept soundly last night. The stress of hamlet is fading, I took my poetry test today, and rearrange my room. I'm getting it together. (Now only if my diet would follow suit!)
I'm off to write my pen pals (Which I get the feeling they don't care to mail me any more..)
(but Really I See My Self Fighting With Sims Till It Lets Me Play!)
I've got a long week/end ahead of me;
work tomorrow and more cleaning I think! And picking up more Zoloft.
Then camping this weekend (I hope its just me and yannic..)
Saturday is the clothing swap, and Sunday is work again?
Goodness.. On the seventh I start swimming lessons!
Well, Better Get Writing!
Think Thin
XOXO
5/30/11
SunBeam
I find there is alot of irony in my little white scale.
The on hiding under towels in the bathroom.
Its got the product name, "SunBeam"
Makes you think of a little road of light allowing you to cross that valley of fear.
See the irony?
To me, the silly little white scale is the valley of fear;
its blood red digital display, the beasts eyes that stare me down.
The sun beam? The "unknown" of not knowing.
That allows me to be naive of the valley until I step foot on its white door mat.
5/28/11
Movie Night
Thanks To Block-Buster, And There Faults, I'm now the owner of three more movies and LFD2!
I'm laying about, nomming (more then I should) and watching one of my new movies, Girl, Interrupted. I've only seen this once or twice, but it's been one I've been looking forward to owning. This particular film is based on writer Susanna Kaysen's account of her 18-month stay at a mental hospital in the 1960s.
Its nothing fancy, but the type of movie that a line or two simply sticks with you, that rings true, and induces self reflection. That line for me is:
Susanna: "How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?"
5/25/11
Take Two.
Just got my silly laptop back, and well I must say, it was spit shined and brand new!
I know its been a long while, far far too long of a while, but I was well, I'll get into that.
After I update here I really should head over to pt and lay it all out for the girls too, I know I shouldn't have left em hanging, I've really grown a bond with the first group, and was growing that bond with the newbies as well, and just up and runn'n isn't all too nice. Not that it was all my idea mind you. Ah blah, I know your just waiting for me to use the "My life is a mess" line, like in every post. This time, not so much.
I've started Zoloft, and I really see an improvement. I'm still way behind in my Hamlet stuff, but its all thats left before I'm done. Done, then ART SCHOOL! Hehe, I can't wait.
But of course before that..
Hamlet..*shudders*
(If anyone has Hamlet knowledge oh please message me.. I NEED HELP!..)
Out side of that, I'm starting swimming lessons soon. Plan is to go through the stroke class and then pick it up at my own speed. I haven't ran, or did any other exercises, for about two month.. gah.. I know! Fat is just creeping up on me.. BUT swimming, right.
Well, I've gotta finish setting up my laptop, I'll be in to update later.
thin thoughts lovelies.
xoxo
I know its been a long while, far far too long of a while, but I was well, I'll get into that.
After I update here I really should head over to pt and lay it all out for the girls too, I know I shouldn't have left em hanging, I've really grown a bond with the first group, and was growing that bond with the newbies as well, and just up and runn'n isn't all too nice. Not that it was all my idea mind you. Ah blah, I know your just waiting for me to use the "My life is a mess" line, like in every post. This time, not so much.
I've started Zoloft, and I really see an improvement. I'm still way behind in my Hamlet stuff, but its all thats left before I'm done. Done, then ART SCHOOL! Hehe, I can't wait.
But of course before that..
Hamlet..*shudders*
(If anyone has Hamlet knowledge oh please message me.. I NEED HELP!..)
Out side of that, I'm starting swimming lessons soon. Plan is to go through the stroke class and then pick it up at my own speed. I haven't ran, or did any other exercises, for about two month.. gah.. I know! Fat is just creeping up on me.. BUT swimming, right.
Well, I've gotta finish setting up my laptop, I'll be in to update later.
thin thoughts lovelies.
xoxo
5/13/11
I'm writing you a ---
And here is your verse.
I'm really being left behind. The last one on everyones mind. The girls are in van right now, and Yannic is off skiing. And don't get me wrong, I'm in no way erked that he is off having fun, or that the girls are enjoying the city. I'm just a little hurt im the last to know of anything. I wanted to see the girls before they headed out and not one has messaged me.. I just feel I'm really last weeks news to them.. I miss my friends, I still concider em friends, but I guess they don't see me in quite the same light. Facebook friends now? I guess so..
I'm writing em letters right now, I wanna bike down to the station And surprise them. I really miss em all, so much.. As mean as it sounds, i hope they feel a little bad for forgetting about me.. Cause it really hurts me that I'm not even shrugged off, I'm just forgotten.. An it's not fun.. I really thought I was close with them.. I really did..
I've been binging the last few days. From loneliness, anger, sadness.. Ive had a shit week and my braces have just made it worse. My mouth just plain hurts! So I've been living off ice-cream. I know. Ugh. Been maintaining at 126 ish. And well it pisses me off. I stopped running and working out. But will be starting up swimming with my next cheque, thanks to dantees advice. And well, I dunno. I'm a mess.
Got a new wardorbe yesterday. Less low cut, more tshirts and tanks. Like Hurley roxy and all that style. Got a bathing suit and self tanner. (and yes.. My hands are orange..) blah.
Thinkthin XoXo
I'm really being left behind. The last one on everyones mind. The girls are in van right now, and Yannic is off skiing. And don't get me wrong, I'm in no way erked that he is off having fun, or that the girls are enjoying the city. I'm just a little hurt im the last to know of anything. I wanted to see the girls before they headed out and not one has messaged me.. I just feel I'm really last weeks news to them.. I miss my friends, I still concider em friends, but I guess they don't see me in quite the same light. Facebook friends now? I guess so..
I'm writing em letters right now, I wanna bike down to the station And surprise them. I really miss em all, so much.. As mean as it sounds, i hope they feel a little bad for forgetting about me.. Cause it really hurts me that I'm not even shrugged off, I'm just forgotten.. An it's not fun.. I really thought I was close with them.. I really did..
I've been binging the last few days. From loneliness, anger, sadness.. Ive had a shit week and my braces have just made it worse. My mouth just plain hurts! So I've been living off ice-cream. I know. Ugh. Been maintaining at 126 ish. And well it pisses me off. I stopped running and working out. But will be starting up swimming with my next cheque, thanks to dantees advice. And well, I dunno. I'm a mess.
Got a new wardorbe yesterday. Less low cut, more tshirts and tanks. Like Hurley roxy and all that style. Got a bathing suit and self tanner. (and yes.. My hands are orange..) blah.
Thinkthin XoXo
5/7/11
Is it
Too much to ask?
...I just wanna be skinny...
I just wanna feel/be small...
Where are my bones?
...I just wanna be skinny...
I just wanna feel/be small...
Where are my bones?
And she,
She, is in love.
Of course ive explained this before, Yannic, and how much he means to me, but I dunno,
Everything that's going On , I want to tell him, I want to make sure he under stands, that IRS hard, so damn hard, I miss being normel.
Just stroke the furry wall?
Of course ive explained this before, Yannic, and how much he means to me, but I dunno,
Everything that's going On , I want to tell him, I want to make sure he under stands, that IRS hard, so damn hard, I miss being normel.
Just stroke the furry wall?
5/3/11
4/30/11
It's never over
Ah blah blah blah bblllaahhhh...
Yeah.
Ima point form the last few days.
-Boss is a bitch:
She was giving three or more days in advance that I had the appointment and day of (after the appointment) I came in to prove where I was, and the marked me as a no show! She called no one in to replace me and the morning crew was swamped with work. And that's not my fault! Four degrees of grr.
-I haven't seen or had much of a conversation with Yannic:
My phone ran outta minutes and I really don't care to be bothered to get more. I only text Yannic and we are more then capable I talk via the phone. And well I dunno I'm magourly Irked that I've had since Thursday off and I only today (a Saturday afternoon) will get to see him. Yeah, seems like I'm a priority. Blah.
-Ive got nothing left to say to him:
Msn convo after msn convo, he just bares so much down on me and it hurts every time, but there is nothing left I can do for him till he really wants change.
-120's
Still. After three weeks of running and working out daily. It's bs.
-prom.
Seems yet again I've been forgotten about. Woo. Great friends hey?
-max...
Went missing a year ago. You'd figured dad would have sent a message or something! He knew how much I cared for that stupid cat.
I'm not sure what to talk about anymore.. Ive stopped taking welburtin xl. It did nothing.
I think Yannic doesn't believe me.. I think all the shut I've told him about my struggles and my food issues. I think he believes I just wanna eat healthy. He thinks I just wanna be fit and eat healthy and that there is no Ed issue. And well that really hurts. This time round I'm not saying shit. Yeah I've purged every might this week. Yeah I've been taking laxatives again, and yes, more then I should. Oh you should see me at the gym, fueled on a rice cake and egg white and I'm burning at least 800 on each machine. And yeah, I stay till I reach that number. No I'm not okay. And yeah if he doesn't believe me, then fine, he dosent need to hear about all this shit.
As far as he knows, I'm doing great.
Yeah.
Ima point form the last few days.
-Boss is a bitch:
She was giving three or more days in advance that I had the appointment and day of (after the appointment) I came in to prove where I was, and the marked me as a no show! She called no one in to replace me and the morning crew was swamped with work. And that's not my fault! Four degrees of grr.
-I haven't seen or had much of a conversation with Yannic:
My phone ran outta minutes and I really don't care to be bothered to get more. I only text Yannic and we are more then capable I talk via the phone. And well I dunno I'm magourly Irked that I've had since Thursday off and I only today (a Saturday afternoon) will get to see him. Yeah, seems like I'm a priority. Blah.
-Ive got nothing left to say to him:
Msn convo after msn convo, he just bares so much down on me and it hurts every time, but there is nothing left I can do for him till he really wants change.
-120's
Still. After three weeks of running and working out daily. It's bs.
-prom.
Seems yet again I've been forgotten about. Woo. Great friends hey?
-max...
Went missing a year ago. You'd figured dad would have sent a message or something! He knew how much I cared for that stupid cat.
I'm not sure what to talk about anymore.. Ive stopped taking welburtin xl. It did nothing.
I think Yannic doesn't believe me.. I think all the shut I've told him about my struggles and my food issues. I think he believes I just wanna eat healthy. He thinks I just wanna be fit and eat healthy and that there is no Ed issue. And well that really hurts. This time round I'm not saying shit. Yeah I've purged every might this week. Yeah I've been taking laxatives again, and yes, more then I should. Oh you should see me at the gym, fueled on a rice cake and egg white and I'm burning at least 800 on each machine. And yeah, I stay till I reach that number. No I'm not okay. And yeah if he doesn't believe me, then fine, he dosent need to hear about all this shit.
As far as he knows, I'm doing great.
4/26/11
I'm sorry.. I'm all over the place.
Just found out max has been missing for over a year and a half.
Missing.
Because I left, I left max to be by himself. With out me.
Because I left, he is now presumed dead.
Because
I left.
My dearest max, you will always and forever have my love. I will never forget you.
May you rest in peace.
Just found out max has been missing for over a year and a half.
Missing.
Because I left, I left max to be by himself. With out me.
Because I left, he is now presumed dead.
Because
I left.
My dearest max, you will always and forever have my love. I will never forget you.
May you rest in peace.
4/23/11
4/19/11
Little magic pills and portals.
I'm at the doctors office, (three bars of wifi ;D ) I'm here to tell him off for upping my dosage! It's made me extremely depressed and I just can't take it.. I'm so damn close to finishing school and I can't even sit long enough to watch tv! Gah it's so unbelievably frustrating.. I didn't take my pill this morning and I'm already feeling better (just wait till it's outta my system!) be sides that I've started my last unit in English, sadly it's hamlet.. Blah. Doing it once was hard enough! Ive got two study apps for it though, so let hope it goes smoother then I think it will. On a positive note, under my legs, in my bag, under my apron and wallet, sits in an EB bag: portal 2! yeah, you herd (read) me! I preordered it last week and I can't wait to play it! Of course I've gotta sit through this appointment, then a short run and boxing session, and of course a shower... THEN portal 2 :D hehe if I don't do my run I'll never do it once that game leaves it's case!
I should check in with the girls before my wifi is lost again,
ThinkThin XoXo
I'm at the doctors office, (three bars of wifi ;D ) I'm here to tell him off for upping my dosage! It's made me extremely depressed and I just can't take it.. I'm so damn close to finishing school and I can't even sit long enough to watch tv! Gah it's so unbelievably frustrating.. I didn't take my pill this morning and I'm already feeling better (just wait till it's outta my system!) be sides that I've started my last unit in English, sadly it's hamlet.. Blah. Doing it once was hard enough! Ive got two study apps for it though, so let hope it goes smoother then I think it will. On a positive note, under my legs, in my bag, under my apron and wallet, sits in an EB bag: portal 2! yeah, you herd (read) me! I preordered it last week and I can't wait to play it! Of course I've gotta sit through this appointment, then a short run and boxing session, and of course a shower... THEN portal 2 :D hehe if I don't do my run I'll never do it once that game leaves it's case!
I should check in with the girls before my wifi is lost again,
ThinkThin XoXo
4/16/11
4/13/11
My mussels hate me. This is fact.
I've been running/jogging/walking every morning so far this week, and since I've never stuck to any type of activity that long, my mussels hate me. Hence the reason why I'm writing this in the bath. The one my mother drew for me. As I was spoce to bike home.. But Yannic showed up..? Although he said he wouldn't? I'm not sure. All that matters is I'm in the bath. Yay.
Tomorrow I take my final test in family studies. After that I've only got English left and I grad! (finally) I can't wait. I think my meds are out to get me. Get me fat that is. I'm noming upwards of 1500 daily. Now since I'm working out I'd be loosing if I wasn't gorging myself! Ugh. Yeah.. Right now I'm trying to just keep up with my planned excerice. And so far it's working. I'm going to redo the 1980 diet again, cause I really enjoyed that one. And I'll be able to stick to it.
I should really stop focusing on diets and food and excerice.. And just finish homework already.. But it's hard.. I can't sit in one place long enough to do anything! It's hard when I know if I just focused I could finish my assignment in a few hours (instead of days..) but I just can't! Or don't want to? I'm not sure any more..
I'm up to four pen pals now. And it's sad that's the most human interaction I get some days.. Just lonely..
Lonely and fat (y)
Anywho, bath is getting cold, and Yannic is getting bored. Update when I've got wifi.
I've been running/jogging/walking every morning so far this week, and since I've never stuck to any type of activity that long, my mussels hate me. Hence the reason why I'm writing this in the bath. The one my mother drew for me. As I was spoce to bike home.. But Yannic showed up..? Although he said he wouldn't? I'm not sure. All that matters is I'm in the bath. Yay.
Tomorrow I take my final test in family studies. After that I've only got English left and I grad! (finally) I can't wait. I think my meds are out to get me. Get me fat that is. I'm noming upwards of 1500 daily. Now since I'm working out I'd be loosing if I wasn't gorging myself! Ugh. Yeah.. Right now I'm trying to just keep up with my planned excerice. And so far it's working. I'm going to redo the 1980 diet again, cause I really enjoyed that one. And I'll be able to stick to it.
I should really stop focusing on diets and food and excerice.. And just finish homework already.. But it's hard.. I can't sit in one place long enough to do anything! It's hard when I know if I just focused I could finish my assignment in a few hours (instead of days..) but I just can't! Or don't want to? I'm not sure any more..
I'm up to four pen pals now. And it's sad that's the most human interaction I get some days.. Just lonely..
Lonely and fat (y)
Anywho, bath is getting cold, and Yannic is getting bored. Update when I've got wifi.
4/9/11
Viniger and kisses?
Its been a while with an update, ya, i know..
But i dunno.. Since i started mah meds again, it feels like it's at a higher dose..? Im not sure.. Maybe I'm crazy? I think my body is! After a week of 600 and below, a few days of four hundred, and I was loosing. Then a day of 500 and I gained a pound!? Then I figured I was (tmi) backed up so I took five laxatives two detox teas and had a high cal day. I maintained at 2000? Then yesterday was 1200 and I gained two Pounds!? W.t.f.
Gah..
And I donno.. It kinda adds to Yannic being at the club house.. I know he likes it there and well I'm honestly not sure why I don't like it.. He knows I'm not too fond of it all.. But I donno what to do..
I keep taking outta my spending account. Down to 700. I spent a bit on the watch (which is two days late.) and a bit with the the other gifts. (mine included.. Someone had to get me something, might ad well be me.) and I took out 130 to wine and dine Yannic this weekend. But the fair plan is ruined cause it's cold and grey, so that takes out the picnic to.. Blah.. I just wanna be the one to take him out once and a while.. To get him nice things he wants and to pay for gas/dinner/twislers..
I just feel shitty..
Blah.
Ps, there is wunderbar ice-cream. I'd be 200lbs for that. In a clogged heart beat.
But i dunno.. Since i started mah meds again, it feels like it's at a higher dose..? Im not sure.. Maybe I'm crazy? I think my body is! After a week of 600 and below, a few days of four hundred, and I was loosing. Then a day of 500 and I gained a pound!? Then I figured I was (tmi) backed up so I took five laxatives two detox teas and had a high cal day. I maintained at 2000? Then yesterday was 1200 and I gained two Pounds!? W.t.f.
Gah..
And I donno.. It kinda adds to Yannic being at the club house.. I know he likes it there and well I'm honestly not sure why I don't like it.. He knows I'm not too fond of it all.. But I donno what to do..
I keep taking outta my spending account. Down to 700. I spent a bit on the watch (which is two days late.) and a bit with the the other gifts. (mine included.. Someone had to get me something, might ad well be me.) and I took out 130 to wine and dine Yannic this weekend. But the fair plan is ruined cause it's cold and grey, so that takes out the picnic to.. Blah.. I just wanna be the one to take him out once and a while.. To get him nice things he wants and to pay for gas/dinner/twislers..
I just feel shitty..
Blah.
Ps, there is wunderbar ice-cream. I'd be 200lbs for that. In a clogged heart beat.
4/5/11
Baking Life on Facebook
Baking Life on Facebook
Yeah, I play facebook games. Makes life seem less dull.
So I'm not gone completely. After a few days of utter depression, I sucked it up and got more meds. I'm feeling more chipper, but still blah. I'm getting really hostile over the club house, and concerts. I don't really wanna go in to anymore. i'm on the fast track to 115 again. getting ahold on the eating is hard, but so fricken worth it. in the next few days (when i get my camera back) i'll be posting the photos from the float plane tour over seattle. one word = breath-taking. (its still one word.. its just hifanated..) Went to pike place market, found the book, "Alice In Zombieland." So going to buy it. hehe. I figured i should end it now cause my wifi is all over the place, I'll update later in starbucks. ( Gotta love free wifi ! )
3/28/11
To Be Honest
I hate myself.
I'm a worthless friendless stupid fat failure.
I don't deserve that groups kindness.
but i deserve the zillion pounds I'm going to put on over night from everything I ate.
I miss my 600 and under for a week.. what happened?! I'm lucky to stay under 1200! ><
I want to take all the sleeping pills I have and forget about it all. I want to never wake up and feel the guilt of dumping my BS on others.
I can't deal..
I can't deal with mirrors or jeans or tshirts or the feeling my of stomach stretching and the sweat beading up from the anxiety cause i cant purge and the fat all of it, rolls and curves and numbers
and how its too much.
I just want to sleep.sleep and never wake up.
is that too much to ask..
3/26/11
Oh, she wants war.
And war is just what she'll get.
I hit 118.5 today. That makes my BMI 21.0 (That makes The 30 Day loss, 14 lbs)
I want more.
I hit 118.5 today. That makes my BMI 21.0 (That makes The 30 Day loss, 14 lbs)
I want more.
3/23/11
3/22/11
GrumbleGrumble.
Last Pill. They Are Gone.
The week went okay, under 600 each day. Till yesterday and Sunday. 1200 + 1000.. Gah. I fail. I'm huge. Wine wine wine.. Blah.. okay. Back on track today, I hope. Birthday is in a week, and I'm not sure I want to be 19.. Its a scary though. Where did my year 18 go? It was gone so fast.. I got a new phone yesterday, its a HUGE step down from my BB, but hey, it works. And I'll be able to update blogger via hotmail from my phone so its a plus. The PT mobile site however.. doesn't work.. which BLOWS! I got a parcel in the mail yesterday, I've yet to pick it up, but i know just what it is :) Its the bracelets I've been waiting for :D
So.. Friday. The BIG day. I'm going to weigh myself, for the frist time in a little over a month. At the doctors office one month ago, (with shoes clothes a sweater belt and breakfast in me) I was 130. (LIES!) so i was most likely 125 ish, maybe a little less. So anything small then that is dandy. I'm hoping 115. But we've all got dreams (98!) and i'll go from there. I am using a tape measure though. from last week i've lost half an inch on my waist and thighs. Now only if it was an all over thing.. I'm still feeling huge :( gah.. I think the smaller I get, the bigger I feel. Which is messed up..
I'll be heading in to the doctors in the next week or sooner, more pills. rather get ones that work. But i like these ones. I hate them with all I've got though.. I had the worse urge to purge last night.. I had that over full feeling and It all got too me.. and the fact they will be in my system for a week + after I stop taking em worries me more! I just want them out! but I know I should keep taking them.. I mean really, I've never been 41 Days Purge Free. Thats a huge thing.
3/17/11
yeah..
so.. funeral.. right. gah..
I found naya after the service and it was like we were from different worlds. She was fine, not a cover up of being upset fine, she was really doing okay. I felt useless. we sat with her other two friends for the tea, and I felt replaced. the three were talking about the sleep over they had, and the plans for later that night. I was replaced and useless. I didn't know anyone else there and just stood around nodding to their conversation until we awkwardly hugged and I walked home. I realized that sure I've got people there for me. but its the kind of "there" that is a text message conversation. not the kinda "there" that comes over. I haven't seen a "Friend" in about two months. and even then it was a quick hi when i was at work..
gosh.. I feel pathetic..
Who Says:
Five. Five Round, White, Little Day Changers. Five, Little Lonely Pills.
Thats all thats left in the bottle. And To Be Honest, It Terrifies Me. I'm not sure I want to take them any more. I've forgotten what its like with out them. But I know once they are gone, I can purge again. And that thought worries me more. A lots been happening in this week alone. My phone is dieing, I'm secret eating again, I'm keeping up with homework, and am back with the girls on PT. But I guess the fact its a hectic week is cause.. The funeral is today. We all never thought this day would come. And I still don't know how to deal with all these feelings. Its building up and I normally try to drowned them with food, or purge them out of me. But I can't do either. I'm restless and simply tired. I want the little pills to take me over, to let me feel nothing, no sadness or frustration, no fear or hunger. But even then, That Won't Happen Either.
Just have to breath, and take it one pill at a time.
3/15/11
To Be Honest
I'm so happy you've moved past this all, that your okay now. But I miss being able to confide in you.. I want to tell you whats on my mind and know that you understand completely. I makes me sad thinking it was the only thing that held us together.. We don't talk anymore and I just wish I crossed your mind.
You can't walk away. I know this. You know this. We are running around again and again with the same ending of exploding fights. Just tell me why this keeps happening? Its avoidable. And tears us both to ruin every time. When you walk away, just stop looking back. It's best.
I idolize you. Your tiny, smart, charming, cute, and punk. I wanted to be just like you, you were, and still are, so much more then me. I wish we were closer, the best of best friends. We have so much in common and are so alike, but are just so shy around each other that we arn't as close as we could be.. Just wish I could change that..
I'm not your equal. And feel I'll never be any time soon. Your so far ahead of me and I'm sprinting, attempting to catch up.. hearing about your parties and drunk'n adventures only makes me feel worse.. they make me worry and jealous.. I want to be able to be fun like you'd prefer, and have something to say worth conversation..
You know, if I could let you in, I would in a heart beat. I want to confide in you, let you know how I'm doing, and be able to ask for help when I need it. I'm not sure how I can do that.. I know it will have to be a huge emotional conversation if you ever did want to hear about my brains inner workings.. I'd tell you, not face to face.. But if you ever wanted to know.. I'd tell you. I'd never expect you to understand, but I'd do my best to explain.. I just don't want to dump it all on you if you'd rather I didn't..
3/11/11
Fair Is Fair
And An Update Is Long Over Due.
I'm not too sure whats been up with me as of late. I want to jump the gun with blaming the medication. But to be honest, I'm not sure what I'm medicating any more. This week has been more then eventful, with Mechelle's death, schooling, job interview and damn public transit, I'm very flustered.
Being by my self often, I've had a lot of time to think, self reflection if you will. And well, I've realized my eating, was indeed emotional. And the purging was as well. Let me explain. I've never really been taught how to deal with emotions, I was told to keep it to my self. Being an only child with a single parent, I was often in my own head and left to take care of myself, I never wanted to bother another with silly feelings or thoughts. Seemed everyone was too busy, I didn't want to be the handful, so I kept it all neutral. In the end that lead to eating when I was sad, nervous, angry, frustrated, and anything in between. It was to push all those void feelings down, cover em up. Over time that turned into wanting it all out. It all became too much. Over whelmed and confused, it turned into purging. I'd devourer everything in sight, when it became too much, down it went, feelings and all. Sure I was left numbed, but to me, it was better then all the confusing emotions. I've never been good at talking about whats on my mind to others, never more then "I'm fine." I think I told others that so much I started to fool myself. When things went down hill with mum, no one knew, and to me, thats how it should have been. Others were going through more horrid things then myself, and again, I didn't want to be a bother. A long while back, when one thing led to another, I had broke down at a friends sleepover/birthday thing, everything came out about mum. That got the ball rolling. I'm not sure where I'd be if I didn't say anything. I don't really want to think about it. Seems I've babbled and lost my train of though.. I'm probably boring you all with this.
Or another note, got a package from Sarah today, it contained a copy of "Wreck This Journal." by Keri Smith. I own another book by her, Its called, "This Is Not A Book." I did however own a copy of the journal before Sarah sent one to me, but I think I'll really go to town on this one, I mean really, I've gotta make her proud. I'm going to finish it and send it back :) I'm sure she'll get a kick outta that! Besides that, I've got Asia and Cloe's letters to write as well. I'm working on my English again, I mean, its not much, but its better then nothing. I've got another phone call with ACAD lady today, to fill out my application. I'm really stoked! Its the same thing as AI, but well, affordable (Y) I've got a project going with Matt I should start working on as well, boredom really often results in bad ideas, heh. Either way, its a snow ball mailing company, and I've got the job of making a poster! (Shall post when complete) I'm also going to find online copies of the spoken poems I had to review for class. A few really stuck with me, and I wish to share them with you.
I'd like to take this time to address a comment left for me on a post a while back now. (You know who you are.) I have to admit, I saw it the day you posted it.. I just, well, I was being a coward for waiting this long to answer you, hell answering you this way is still being a coward, but its all I can muster right now. I know you wish to help more, Yannic feels just as helpless, but really.. Its all something I've got to stand up and fight. I know your standing on the sidelines, cheering me on, wanting to be more there for me, I just don't know how to let you in. It took a while to let yannic in, and even now I can't bring myself to tell him everything. Its not as easy as just blurting it all out, Its such a hard mind setting to explain. Hell, I don't understand it some times.. I don't even know if things are better or not anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.. I just wanted you to know that well, I know your there for me if/when I need you. And knowing that helps a lot more then you'd think. It's hard being stuck in your own head with all these thoughts swimming around and thinking there is no one there, but I've got you, yannic, asia, cloe, and many friends I've made from PT. And well, thats a lot more then some ever have. I just wanted you to know your help isn't ever taken for granted. So thank you. And you know if you ever need me, I'll be there with cup cakes and hugs, maybe not as fast, but on my bike and with a smile <3
I know this update was long overdue. But there ya go!
3/10/11
Another Let Down.
I Don't Even Wanna Talk About It.
(So i'll point form it.)
-Passport back by Mar. 24th.
-Art school interview was complete win. Applications tomorrow.
-Job interview was a complete let down.
-Funeral, on Thursday.
-Back to laxative use. Not abuse. Yet.
-Forgotten what it was like before the meds.
-Forgotten what hunger feels like. Its all numb right now..
I really not too sure.
(So i'll point form it.)
-Passport back by Mar. 24th.
-Art school interview was complete win. Applications tomorrow.
-Job interview was a complete let down.
-Funeral, on Thursday.
-Day three of binge mode..
-Day three of the incredibly overwhelming urge to purge-Back to laxative use. Not abuse. Yet.
-Forgotten what it was like before the meds.
-Forgotten what hunger feels like. Its all numb right now..
I'm fine, really.
3/8/11
Words Passed On From Tainted Thrills:
Now is new
Now is here, and now is not like any other time that has ever been. For right now, it doesn't matter who is to blame or what has held you back.
This is when you can take positive action. This is when you can step away from the problem and into the solution.
You are now free of past assumptions and connected to limitless possibilities. You are newly arrived in this moment, ready to live with more richness and fulfillment than ever before.
If you could choose to experience some specific positive change in your life right now, what would it be? How would it look, what would it feel like and how would it sound?
If there were one small, easily accessible step that you could take right now to begin making that change happen, what would it be? And what would be a step you could take after that?
Imagine, more vividly than ever before, living true to your most treasured dreams and highest values. Now is new, now is here, and now is when you can.
-- Ralph Marston
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