Happy As Can Be,

Like A Bug In A Rug, And A Fat Kid With Cake!

And It Seems Everything Is Just How I Left It.

I'm finding my real friends. I'm gathering my bearings and starting anew.

I'm Liking This.

Home Away From Home.

Maybe One Away From Reality.
I Lost It All.
Gained It All Back.
I Cant Breath.
I'm Terrified.
I just need to clam myself.
Need
Control.

Maybe Some Mental Health To.
Ugh.

That'll Do Pig.

Oh How I Miss The Normality Of Human Contact. Fulled By Coffee And Prossced Chicken, Cause Thats How I Roll.

This is how a sunday should be. Problem free. Care free. Childish.
Filled with boredum and laughter.
With friendship.
And well.. I missed it.
All of it.

May Have Stuffed My Face.

But It'll Be Okay.
Nothing Seems Like It Can Hurt Me Right Now.
 I Think I'll Sleep Well Tonight.

I miss the carefree ignorance that comes with childhood.
Will I ever regain that?

One More Time.

Just Explain It, One More Time. Use Small Words.

Ever try to explain the skewed views of the thought proses behind a person with an eating disorder?

I have.

Its a fucken party.

Past, Never Forgotten.

It Seems I Can Never Let The Past Go.

So so real.

If i could go back, i would. I'd be in that moment once more. When all we did was fight, and take it all back. I'd tell him i'm sorry. Tell him i wanted him. It was i that pushed him, right over the edge. And no amount of anything can bring him back. Oh how i wish so badly it could. I need to see his smile. Hear his laugh. And know i could bring him sunshine on the darkest day. I really was his last hope. And i fucked up. I wish to see him one last time. Tell him everything. Beg him for forgivness. And let him know i still think about him. I still see his smile. He is in my dreams now and then. I cant listen to our song with out crying. And i just wish i could bring him back. Wish he could see how much he is missed.

L.H., Beast.

My best friend. 

My Love.

I Need You.
Now More Then Ever.

Take Me Were You Have Gone. You Promised To Come Steal Me Away One Day. I beg of you.. keep your promise.

R.I.P L.H.

Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best

Tears Tears ..

I Was Beauty, And You, Beast.

I Knew You Like No Other.

Then You Were Torn From Me.

Heart No Longer Beating.

A Day Never Goes By,

That I'll Let Your Memory Fade.

L. H. My Best Friend.
You Knew Me Like No Other.

ToMeYourEverything

"In An Empty Alley Way, He Sings Softly To Me.
My Heart Beings To Race."

Hey you..?

i think you should steal me away.

i'm starting to scare myself.

doing everythign wrong, and progress is going

backwards. i need to have no food. none.

i'd be forced to fast. and i want

that. as crazy as it sounds. i'm begging you, sighlently, to help me stop.

if i can get throught this week i'll be so happy.

numbers should be in the

double digits. never triple. i want this, not only for me.

but you aswell. you say i'm perfect just how i am. my soulis

deeply flawed. you know so much, not enough. never

enough. it worries me i tell you everything. it worries me you

believe im getting better. it worries me you'll walk away.

no matter how hard i try. i'll be this deeply fucked uo for

ever. and no amount of "sorrys" will ever make up for that.

i'm sorry for wasting your time.

i'm sorry never pushing you away sooner.

everyone was right in saying i'm too much to handle.

and the fact i never told you not to fall in love with me well.. i'm

paying for that now. it would help if you pushed me away instead.

but you;d never do that. this i know.

please, just realise im ment to be alone. i'm not worthy of all your

love, your pure love. its in the wrong place. and i'd never be able to

reapay it. not in a million years.

"Dont Dont Dont, Ask Me."

Oh Oh Cause I Miss You So.

I never had you, but i wish i did.
I crave you here, close, pressed agianst me.

Am i on your mind?
Perhaps From Time To Time?

I\d never admit it, but your on mine.
I've stopped, midway through many texts to you. Ones never sent
Ones that explain why you mean so much to me.
One's that'd crush you if you read them.

I pray or one night.
one night just for you and me.
When i could tell you everything/

all the thoughts that race through my mind when you glance my way.
and all the nights i've laid awake trying to word the perfect way to tell you everything/

tell you that even if its only your friendship, i wish for it.

do you understand how i feel?
dose this babble make the slightest of sence?

feelings are the hardest to put in to words.

and i'm aloss for any even when your eyes met mine, i feel i've said the wrong thing, even when we havent spoken.

just so you know i miss you.
but i'd never tell you so.
never ever.

and for that i'm sorry.

but i dont think you could ever forgive me.

Then Hurt Me, .

But Right Now I Wouldnt Be Able To Feel It

I'm Sky High, Happiest I've Been In A Long Time.

Found The PERFECT Aparment .Rather.. Basement Suite.
The familey that lives there is the nicest. And the house is so lovely.
Its got that welcoming atmespher i've longed for.
Even the other two guys they rent to are apart of the familey.

Oh, and i've lost a half a pound =)

This White Bliss Never Lasts For Long.
So i'm going o make the best of it.
Planed out my SlimFast diet plan.
Packed everything i can, and got ross to agree to help me move.
I'm sick of this place, wish i could move in today!
ah well, five ish days, then abby, then my bday, then home for one day, one last day.

One Last Day <3

White, Sh-Sh-Suger White.

Its Days Like This I Wish I Could Show You. Show You The Happiness. Show You I'm Not So Much A Lost Cause, Not So Deeply Flawed.

Looking, And Seeing Nothing.

Every Place So Far

Has fallen through. Fuck. I'm still looking though. Hoping my little heart out for a one bed room. Oh the fun of mismatch furniture! Teehee! Oh i cant wait to get outta here.. Very ify on living at daves place. its a nice place and all. But he is his friend not mine. I hope he only can understand that and not take it as an attack personally
aganst dave.

Started a new diet plan today. Rather thought it up for tommorrow, SlimFast in hand and Jello in the other i WILL drop like mad! ANA OVERDOSE! Oh thats sounds trilling! Its a simple diet, but i just hope to stick to it. it'll be on the high days 400 and on the low days (with jello) aound 300. only a hundrends diffrents. BUT still. Wish me luck and all that. i'm down 2 pounds thought. hope it stays that way. Well it wont change for i plan on nommig another potateo.. damn tasty. they'll be my end.. thats for sure!

Well, Good for you.

Miss Goody Two Shoes. Go Drop Dead. Please?

Well plan after plan i never seem to follow trough. Sad isnt it?
BUT i want to lose at least ONE pound. get to 124 agian. maybe i'll shoot high, aim for TWO pounds. cause well i've never lost any. Fail at ana. Cant restrict to save my fat ass. Fail at mia to. sure i purge but wayy too lazy to get off my rear end to be bothered working out.

Will this change? will i be everything i want to be and more?

17 is almost over. i can be the same person two years in a row.

18 means overdrive. Means slim fast shakes nothing else. Means size 1 pants. Means sexy hip bones. Means i let mia shut her dirty little mouth and let ana take full control of me. Its been far too long since i've even thought about letting this happen. But i will not suffer any longer under the literal weight of my failures.

By June. I WILL be 95. Watch And See.
I'll lose every day.
one by one.
untill
its
all
g
o

e
.
.
.

I am serious about being thin and I will not fail.

With that we can tell the determined and

undetermined apart.

We will not be the girls who say "I'm in"

and never come back to the thread. We will n

ot be the girls that say "I'm in" and come back

later and said "I have FAILED." We will be the

girls that say "I am serious about being thin

and I will not fail." and we will SUCCEED.

Oh, You Make Me Smile,

ps iloveyoulikemadandyoukindameantheworldtomebeautifulandwhenisaymeantheworldidontmeanlikeOMGthisisagiantballofhydrogenandiscruisingandthousandonmilesasecondnoimeanthatyouaresodamnimportantinmylifelove

Moving Out.

So Fuck You.

I'm really sick of dealing with you. Sick, Sick, Sick, of cleaning up after you. I want to be on my own. To live alittle. To grow up. And not have you making it worse.

Two weeks?

In Full Blow Starvation Mode.

-   not   just   to   spite   you   -

No Frills.

No light show, No little dance.

Just me, little me, on the floor. Completly lost. Broken. Alone.

So here it is. All out on the table. No, i'm no going to the doctors. Yes, i still want help. Yes, still love him. No, i dont feel safe alone. Yes, i want to move out on my own. Not lonly to stave myself. But to rid myself of this pain your causing me. No, i will not stand to be walked on any longer. Yes, i think your lying to me. Yes, i know for a fact your lying to me. In all truth, i'm lying to you. And if you knew, you wouldnt believe me anyways. No, i'm not ever going to ask for help agian. Your going to have to drag me, kicking and screaming. Yes i think we are drfting apart. No, i dont want that to happen. Yes, Every thing i told you was true, to a point. Yes, i'm giving up my dreams. No, i'm not giving up on us. Yes, i want nothing more then to walk away from you now. I want to save you. From me. Just as i wish someone would do for me now.

You Think Its A Game,

You Think I'm Craving To Be Noticed. I Think Your Wrong.


Hello Friend, I Missed You So.
I never thought i'd miss the rythmic wrapping of my wrist with my ever fermilur green show lace.
But i did.
More then i'll ever admit to you.

Hello White, Bliss, Joy.

I've Never Really Indroduced Myself To You, Blue Always Preoccuipes My Time These Days.
Not Today My Friend.
I'm Bubbly, I'm Filled To The Brim With Joy.

(and i lost a pound)

P-P-Pinch Me-

It's the perfect time of year

Somewhere far away from here

I feel fine enough, I guess

Considering everything's a mess

As Clumsy As You've Been.,

Theres No One Laughing. Once Again, Left With Second Best.

Sitting In The Darkest Blue.
Ocean Floor Blue.
The Very Depths Are Coloured With This Crayon.
And I Have The Honnor Of Having This As An Emotion.

you have my heart,

He Loves Me.
But Would He Still,

If He Knew Everything?

This Is,

This Is Day One. One Crazy Sitcom Day At A Time, One Converse Covered Foot At A Time.

And I Will Get There. Even If I Begin To Walk Backwards, I'm Still Facing Tommorrow.

Maybe This Will Work.

Maybe This Is All I Needed.
Your Friend Ship, And Faith In Me.

Sure I Mess Up. I Mess Up Dayly.
But I Notice I'm Getting Better.
I'm Calmning Down. I'm Gaining Control.

And You've Helped Me.
Pushed Me On Wards.
And Held Me Up When I Was Down.

So Thank You.
Even Though You'll Never Read This.
Even Though You'll Think Your Not Helping At All.
You Are. And I Could Never Thank You Enought.

This To Shall Pass.

OK Go, "This Too Shall Pass"

Posted to New York Magazine on March 02, 2010

Click to Play | View Details

Oh, By-The-Way.

Your Words Are Like Tick Tacks.

Clicky Clicky

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1K5mJ2/www.youshouldhavealsoseenthis.com/

Not For Your Eyes. part one.

Because i know you wont ever see this;

I love you.
I wish it was you that ran the blade across my thigh.
I eat to please you.
I eat to spite you.
I purge to please you.
I purge to spite you.
I asked for help cause you didnt know anything was wrong.
I asked for help cause you would have never known anything was wrong.
I resest the urge to kiss you every day.
I resest the urge to cry over you every day.
I resest the urge to to you whats on my mind.
I want to tell you everything.
I lie to you to keep you from everything.
I lie to you to keep you happy.

Chit Chat?

Hold Me Close, Let Me Die.

G-G-Get Over It?

Ok Go - "Get Over It"

Video Here. (( Damn Copy Write BS.. ))

 

Oh it's such a drag, what a chore... oh your wounds are full of salt.

Everything's a stress and what's more, well it's all somebody's fault.

Dont Ask Me.,

Ok Go - Dont Ask Me

Quit acting so friendly.

Don't nod don't laugh all nicely.

Don't think you'll up-end me.

Don't sigh, don't sip your iced-tea.

And don't say, "It's been a while..."

And don't flash that stupid smile.

Don't ask me how I've been.

Don't think I've forgotten,

you never liked that necklace.

So cordial, so rotten...

Kiss, kiss, let's meet for breakfast.

Don't show up so on-time

and don't act like you're so kind

Don't ask me how I've been.

Don't sit there and play just

so frank, so straight, so candid,

so thoughtful, so gracious,

so sound, so even-handed.

Don't be so damn benign

and don't waste my fucking time.

Don't ask me how I've been.

 He Really Dosent Care.

Do I Ever Cross His Mind Anymore?
Is This Love Empty And Cold?

These Are Words I Wish I Could Scream At Him.

Words Never Sent.,

Gin Blossoms - "Hey Jealousy"

 

And you know it might not be that bad

You were the best I ever had

I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago

I might no be alone

The Day He Sent That Email,-

 Two Months Ago Today. 

I Wanted Nothing More,

 Then To Send This Song.

To Tell Him Everything.

My Jellow Meth..

From: dropourt@hotmail.com
To: fairy_princess01234@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: don't read untill 2moro
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:33:19 -0600

Someone like you only comes around once in a lifetime, an opportunity to find love like ours is indeed something that only happens in a life time. We being so young, yet, are experiencing things not even parents or adults who have experienced what they call "love", no certainly not even they could comprehend what were all about simply put, they never found what we have got. We have that connection one that supercedes all forms of boundaries. I might as well call this the lovers sense, us being so infatuated and indeed in love with eachother as we are we basically know eachother better then we at first might let on. We know eachothers tones, actions, hidden meanings. What somoen sees what be quite differnet in our eyes simply becuase in the end it could be in fact be the meaning only we get. By saying that, that is indeed love, the ability to feel the others emotions, not just thnking about them but actually feeling them as if your that person, every thought, every action they would make would be the first thought in our minds.

I love you more then any person could sanley care for a person without being hauled off to a mental institution. That is the one true part that know what theory or scientific expanation i could ever come up with will never actually cover, it is simply impossible for me to ever really relay my true feelings to you, there isnt any verbal way of actually telling you just how much i love you. I can simply swear to stand by your side, look after you, spend my days with you, make you happy, respect you basically all around worship you. Thats really it nothign less then that will suffice as a small way of explaining how much i care for you.

I had a crush on you since i laid eyes on you, the more i began to knwo about you the mroe intrigued i became the more i realized how quickly i was falling for you. this being in a dark time of which peopls lives neevr mattered to me, back when people could puke blood and id sit there watch and laugh. You changed all of that i really thought for awhile, that one day if it wasent god that would wipe me out it would be myself, i beign fully aware of everythign i had ever done. You changed alot of things my view points, opinions, thoughts, all around mentality that alone is enough for me to stay by your side for ever by there is just so much more.

Your free spirit
How you can make me smile even on my worst days when i think there is no hope
How you can always reaasure me and bring calm back to my life
You know just what to say to make me feel better that everythign doesnt seem so bad
Your smile
The way you hold yourself up no matter what kind of weights are pulling you down
Saving my life
Your thoughtfulness, niceness yet mainting that devilish side that always shows through(i liek that sara lol)
your genorosity.

There is simply too much to list, but what i have written for you now are the bigger things, the important things. you simply mean more then the world to me you are my world one last thing i breath for, but me beign fully aware of your feelings a i am now gives me the enenry to walk this path we call live everyday dispite its challenges, i walk this path everyday just for the soel reason of either talkign to you again or holding you in my arms and letting time slowly flow by us as we slowly lose our selves in our own reality. A kinder reality on that doesnt harass us, threaten or strike fear rather one that holds and protects always giving reasurrence that everything will be better, there is always the better tomororow to look forward to.

So i hope by you reading this your day will be as happy as mine has turned out to be, your letter was simply one of the best things ive read in a long time,it brings back a warm feeling i only get when im holding you. I warm feeling i always crave for when your away.

I love you, that will never change, i promise.

From, your ever loving Jellometh.
PS, as soon as i can i will get you those sandwhiches lol.

Daddy Dearest

Coffee, Tea, Warm Milk?

Perhaps a late as well?
Point is, I'm meeting my father for coffee tomorrow.

I'm Terrified.

I havent seen him in over 5 months.
Since I ran away.

Plans are made,

And Pills Are Bought. My Last Resort It Seems.

I'm getting closer to a friend I thought I lost before she was ever gone.
I've bought appite killing Hoodia pills.
And I'm moving out of this crack filled apartment.

I think this month will be okay.
I'm not just saying it.
I really feel it.

Kill. Me. Now.

Do It Slowly, Rusty Blade Or With Pills, Point Is - I'm Done.

I can't take it any longer. I'm trying and trying, but nothing works.
Nothing can stop it. I'm terrified. I've screamed for help. No one listens.

Trix

Not Just for Kids Anymore.

I think this will work out. I'll have to talk shit out.
But khrys is here for me. She knows that i've been abandoned,
many times before. She will be here for me through this, even if
she is left a tad in the dark.

I need her more then she realizes it..
I just wish i knew how to tell her.

And This Is Another -

- Try, And It'll Be My Best.

I've got it all mathed out. And everything timed to a tee.
Just have to follow through.

Oh, And By The Way.
You wont ever, ever, drag me to APU.
EVER.
I'm not a threat to me, or anyone around me.
So stop putting words in my fucken mouth.