Petunia Almost Died.

Petunia almost died today, I left her all night with the heater off.. I got home and she was barely breathing.. I cried so so hard as I scrambled to warm her.. Stupid hedgehog and my complete love for you.. Took a little while, but after a bit she started making sounds again, started to move and furrow her brow. I never realized how much I loved her till this careless mistake took her away. Couldn't sleep much last night, kept waking up to listen for her sounds, just to make sure she's still breathing. bleh, Christmas was emotionally taxing this year.

Life goes, Alittle Something Like So,

I'm not sure anymore what this post was about..

at 114.0

still hate myself..

dyed mah hur red..

Still Hate My Self.

Still "with" yannic..

 I feel sick..

Hey Jerk Off

Go Piss On Someone Else Parade!

(Regarding my last posts' comment)

I just can't phathom why people intend to be so cruel sometimes. Or why others hide and won't reach out from behind their protective screens and even attempt to understand anothers position. 

You need help, and I'm not the one that can help you.

So don't bring me down when shit starts turning around for me. 

So go fuck yourself.

 I hope you the best, but don't even think about any of your comments sticking around. 

What am I doing..?

I really can't say, as I'm not quite certain myself you see.

I'm torn right now, as what I feel for him, that crazy head over work boots feeling, I'm scared that it's all just to tear me away from where I am. But is it feelings that tear me away, or wanting a-new, that these feelings have formed.


Okay, I'm talking myself into a corner..What I know to be true is, I know how I feel for him, I know that I'm in love with him, And If I Love Him, I Can't Possibly Love The Other.. Right? Right.

And I really have lost that spark with yannic. Its gone, and we aren't apart, but even sitting across from the table with him we feel like different people.

[Post Title.]

Lets Divide The Twilight Between Us.


My new room is lonely. My new bed is too big.

This Time Tomorrow -

I'll be on a plane. Leaving from bellingham - WA, to Hawaii.
I'll be there all weekend.
I'll be there with yannic.

Now, this can go two ways. On one hand, we can have a great time, something resparks.. OR we fight, the whole time. Just like I think we will. I told him I really didn't want to go anymore. I told him, I would really, really, rather not. But it's too late, and I'll just have to try and enjoy the trip.


I've been in my new place for five days, four nights. And I really do love it. It's a tad cold, as are most old character homes, but with Jasons' space heater, Petunia and I will be snug. I really enjoy going home, to my own space, to my own room, in my own basement suite. I really do feel like I'm starting to grow up, as sad as that sound, but I like it.

Oh, for some good new! Remember, way back, when I posted my scale photo, 114.4, I'm maintaining, around there (117 after a day of eating and the gym.) So I'm super excited! I think Jason was right, things are starting to turn around.

That is, Until Things Relationship Wise, end.

Little Invisible She...

Is finally growing up.

I want to make this a clear post, addressing some of the people dearest to me, that I have been worrying  as of late, with my last few posts.

Even though the urge to end this all is strong, and at times so over whelming, I have to stay on pushing. I promised. I talk of plans and thoughts that run though my mind.. And these things are just pills put aside, and thoughts in the back of my mind. Again, I promised. I really don't mean to worry any one with my posts, my blog is a place I come to vent out these crazy thoughts, and thoughts are all they are. I'm not sure what else I can say that will reassure you of anything.

But I do hope this helps.