To Be Honest

I hate myself. 

I'm a worthless friendless stupid fat failure.

I don't deserve that groups kindness. 

but i deserve the zillion pounds I'm going to put on over night from everything I ate. 

I miss my 600 and under for a week.. what happened?! I'm lucky to stay under 1200! ><

I want to take all the sleeping pills I have and forget about it all. I want to never wake up and feel the guilt of dumping my BS on others. 

I can't deal.. 

I can't deal with mirrors or jeans or tshirts or the feeling my of stomach stretching and the sweat beading up from the anxiety cause i cant purge and the fat all of it, rolls and curves and numbers

 and how its too much.

 I just want to sleep.sleep and never wake up. 

is that too much to ask..