Soundtrack, tape one.

Side A.

My monster is restless.

I'm happy your happy.
Rolls for perception.
But in can still feel a wall has gone up.

Have I gone too far? Said too much? Leaned too heavy?

My monster is agitated. Unstable medication processes. Listless. Unstable reasoning.

Why am I found waiting for others. Having plan B. Why not accept this present and move forward. Run.

I found this connection. Having plan B. Enjoying most of this present and working forward. Breathe.

Roll for jinx to pass. 1.
Dizzy spell, vertigo attack.

Where do I end and you begin? How far are your roots into my mental processes. How do I end you and begin me? When can I remember to breathe.

I'm happy your happy.

I'm in no state to scale walls.
HP 2.5 MP 1 LVL 25

Roll for Night Terror

Pause, play. Mute.

Heavy words mouthed, and the marks they leave.

We were intertwined. The first time I was ever asked. Gentle nudges, soft kisses. The first time I've given full consent. One step at a time, savouring the deep energy exchange. Bodies moving as breath quickened. Offering you the passion you lacked was something I craved.

I heard your ring drop to the carpet.

Our energy ignited.

The room melted.

I forgot how out of practice I am.

Pause. Made a fool of myself. Play. Was this a fire for your cold bed? Mute.

Drop the bass

Or a brick.

Or the words I fought to say from my crumpled shaking body. Which you wrote down, but didn't hear.

Or the words I didn't say, held tightly under band aids and close to my weak self.

I lost you.
Or did you loose me?

I found a mirror.
My face blurred, in and out of focus.
My past demons stirring.

I found something sharper than my wit.
My hand stained and shaking.
My past demons stirring.

I found something more destructive than my will to live.
My heart heavy.
My current demons thriving.

I found you.
Or did you find me?
As I was loosing myself.
As you were lost in yourself.

I found room to breathe.

Please,

Do not be concerned.

I am unwell.

Your worry is noted.

I am, unwell.

I am, medicated.

I am.

For now.

For now, let me rest.

For now, let me focus on breathing.

For now, I am unwell.

This feels all too familiar.

Remember the words that the wiseman told you

Treasure the scars that the woodlands gave you

Make them a sign of your might

The cold in the wind and the rain may scald you

But freedom it comes at a price

This might be our moment. Rail line snakes, weaving and growing just before it splits, fractions parting ways to never rejoin. The ball sinks down, resting now comfortably within the orange glow of my second chakra. My gaze drops too, eyes unblinking now fixating on backlit keys. How can we be inflicting so much unnecessary pain. Breath in, ribs expand, hold. Exhale. 

My hands are darker now, too many hours lately in the sun. I've been enjoying it, sans sunburn. When ever I see my hands I think of yours, they are strong, soft, and always warm. You have kind hands. I got a new little plant, I think you'd like him. I made a human friend too! They experienced a past very similar to my own.  They have kind eyes and a soft smile.  We are going to build a fabulous outfit for them to wear to pride, I'm really honored to help. Frejya turned one yesterday, she's growing so fast, bigger than Luna now. We threw a party, nothing too fancy. Catnip bubbles play time followed with top notch wet food dinner and a love filled card to mark the occasion.  It hangs on our banner of important cards. It makes me feel empty. Everyone is so proud of milestones my heart isn't reaching. I've got a diagnoses. As memories are ties to reason, flashes of darkness reach my eyes. I was hurt. Unearthed baggage lost at sea. Another thing I'd never be able to tell you.  I feel you really wanted to be okay with everything. With. Me. And I also feel hurt. Scared. Medicated. Tired.. 

There's beauty in longing and desperation

It means that you've not given up

What would be so wrong about the truth?
Filter free until eyes would read my words. 

So focus the fervor of your frustration

Use it to fly, not to drop 

This is my space, and the poetry shall continue,
truth now covered in glitter. 

Side effects.

 Gabapentin works by affecting the
transmission of nerve signals in the brain.

The usual maximum daily dose is 2,400 mg taken in 3 equal doses of 800 mg each.Gabapentin may be taken with or without food.

Gabapentin may also be prescribed to treat restless legs syndrome (RLS), to relieve numbness and tingling related to diabetes, to prevent hot flashes, and to relieve pain that can accompany shingles (known as postherpetic neuralgia).

It is important that this medication be taken exactly as prescribed by your doctor.Do not take a double dose to make up for a missed one. 

100 mg
Each hard gelatin capsule with white opaque cap and body and white-to-off-white powder fill, imprinted "APO 100", contains 100 mg of gabapentin. Nonmedicinal ingredients: magnesium stearate, sodium croscarmellose, and talc; capsule shell: edible blue ink, gelatin, silicon dioxide, sodium lauryl sulphate, and titanium dioxide.

A side effect is an unwanted response to a medication when it is taken in normal doses.
Side effects can be mild or severe, temporary or permanent.

The following side effects have been reported by at least 1% of people taking this medication.
Many of these side effects can be managed, and some may go away on their own over time.

back pain

constipation

coughing

dizziness

drowsiness

dry mouth

erectile difficulties

fatigue

headache

heartburn

increased appetite

itchy skin

muscle pain

nervousness

runny nose

sore throat

swelling of feet or ankles

tremors (shaking)

twitching

weight gain

Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur:

• abnormal heartbeat or heart palpitations
  abnormal thoughts
• involuntary eye movements,
  double vision, or other vision changes
• poor coordination
• problems with your teeth or gums
• shortness of breath
• speech problems such as slurred speech; abnormal rhythm,
   speed, or tone of speech; limited mouth or tongue movements; or drooling
• signs of depression
  (e.g., poor concentration, changes in weight,
   changes in sleep, decreased interest in activities,
   thoughts of suicide)
• signs of infection
  (symptoms may include fever or chills,
  severe diarrhea, shortness of breath,
   prolonged dizziness, headache,
  stiff neck, weight loss, or listlessness)
• symptoms of liver problems
   (e.g., abdominal pain, persistent vomiting,
   feeling unwell, fever, itching, yellowing
   of the skin and eyes, dark urine)

Stop taking the medication and seek immediate medical attention  if any of the following occur:

• hallucinations
• signs of a serious allergic reaction
   (e.g., swelling of face or throat,
  hives, or difficulty breathing)

You should know that gabapentin may increase the risk for suicide.

Suicidal thoughts or behavior occurs in about one in 500 people taking medications like gabapentin.
This risk may begin within a week of starting treatment.

Some people may experience side effects other than those listed.

Are there any other precautions or warnings for this medication?

Before you begin using a medication, be sure to inform your doctor of any medical conditions or allergies you may have, any medications you are taking, whether you are pregnant or breast-feeding.

Alcohol: Avoid alcohol while taking gabapentin, 

as gabapentin may cause alcohol intolerance that leads t

o an unpleasant reaction after drinking alcohol, such as flushing,

redness of the face after drinking alcohol, nausea, palpitations, or headache.

Q: Why is gabapentin 300mg prescribed for anxiety and depression,
I thought it was for seizures?

A: Neurontin (gabapentin) is an anti-seizure medication, which is also sometimes utilized to relieve "sharp-shooting" nerve pain, associated with the herpes virus or shingles. It is not specifically indicated for anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, but a small number of studies have shown some favorable results in patients who have not received adequate relief from traditional medications. Neurontin (gabapentin) needs further research in use for psychiatric purposes, but it may prove to be a useful alternative. It may also be a good choice if the patient is also experiencing pain, as studies have also shown a link between pain and depression. The main side effect associated with Neurontin (gabapentin) is drowsiness/grogginess, but it has also been reported to cause weakness, tiredness, lack of coordination, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, loss of appetite, diarrhea, constipation, dry mouth, runny or stuffy nose, sore throat, headache, insomnia, unusual dreams, acne, mild skin rash, and blurred vision. After a person has been taking the medication for a period of time, they should not stop therapy abruptly, as the body may respond by having a seizure. To stop the medication, it should be tapered down in dose over a period of time, which your doctor will help you with. Patti Brown, PharmD

Ball in my Chest..

Tastes like a plastic pail. 

Left on the beach all afternoon, warmed by the sand, softened by the sun.

Red. 

Hot tea can not reach far enough to sooth this type of discomfort. 

A wound too deep for surface bruising.

Everything has turned into a manual process. 

I can only focus on breathing. 

In, and out. 

Once more.
In, and, out. 

Oh, so that's part of panic disorder. 

Awesome. 

Look at me go. 

Hag stone in hand,

You are brought into the light.

All focus was on the pair of olive green socks which hung loosely around Dr.T's ankles. He continued to jot notes as I was being interviewed.

Question.

Answer.

Scribble.

Type.

Retain eye contact, not too much eye contact. Legs crossed? Oh hell, my leg hair. Should have worn pants. Should I have? Does that matter? Wait.. what did she ask? Oh hell, awkward cry laugh. Why is this the part that makes me choke up, and what can I possibly do with that information. How much of this is really the truth, more importantly however, how much do they believe. I should have watched more Lie To Me. I'm not here to lie, it's just with these questions, honesty hurts. I think they can see that. Isn't that what they are trained to see?

Session two, socks now under the desk and out of view, at least it's a nice day out. Though I had dressed for warmer weather. Though, I'm always cold. 

Question. 

nod.

Big word, proposed plan of attack.

nod.

Type.

Traits? What do you mean personality traits? 12 months of therapy? New medication? Neglect? What do you mean high rates of suicide? No, of course, it's apparently just passive. How long? Oh, gee. Years. 

Question.

nod.

Scribble.

Type.

Come back in three weeks, we will book you for a group session
after we see how the medication is treating you.
Remember, 300mg three times a day. 

nod. 

Traits? What do you mean personality traits..

Jury is in.

Final results; Add another Monster to the roster.

Hello little one, seems you've been hiding.  Seems you've been on my shoulder, behind my neck, keeping me up at night, for longer than I could have ever guessed. You explain so much of my past while putting my future in a frenzy.

Though I'm glad that we can finally meet, I do hope cbt and dbt will help.. Fingers crossed. 

May 30th

Tuesday, 7:27am

Amongst the slugs and snails of the garden, I was led to believe the right shell would come along, sooner or later.

Make due. Said the garden.

Sooner, or, later. 

It's simple, the birds scoffed, wear a shell, that is not yours.

And until then, sit with restlessness.
Sit with, expectation.

Born a snail, reminded the ants. You must find your place.

And until then, live with heartache.

Make due. Reminded the garden.

Amongst the slugs and snails of the garden, no one told me I was a caterpillar.

That sooner or later, shell be damned;

my napping would be useful.

Amongst the slug and snails of the garden, like the flowers, I would bloom.

Keep your path, scolded the ladybugs.

That sooner, or later, felt between my morning due wings, I could reach the breeze.

And when that comes I will breathe in the spring.
Bathe in the sun, and dance with bees.

Amongst the slugs and snails of the garden, like the seasons, my time would come.

You are not othered, reassured the garden. Your path needed to be cleared by spring storms, it could not be found amongst the garden floor.

You looked up, you found more.

Now you can see with kindness.
Now you carry compassion on your wings.

Now you fly with spirit.

Amongst the slugs and snails of this plot, I needed to feel the rain.

I am proud, smiled the garden, now your dreams like my summer, have found colour.

Now your heart is free.

May 8th

Monday, 1:59am

Wonka, the chocolate river song, and kitchen floor discussions.

The many reasons I couldn't cry, and your
face in the dark.

Titled, relationship.
Subtitle, emotional shift.

The many reasons I'm so fond of running.

May 3rd

Wednesday, 9:26 am

Nothing.

Nothingness.

Empty.

Void.

Funnily enough, I though this would feel colder. More of a lukewarm, puddle on a cloudy day. Thought I knew depression. Thought I had felt the harshness, the rock bottom low, the full force.

Sharked.

Cant sleep. Not tired. Eyes are heavy, red and swollen. As if my late night was spent crying instead of mindless tasks.

I did cry. I burst into tears and went back to work. Like nothing was wrong. Hole in my chest still raw. Like nothing was wrong.

We broke up. Without saying goodbye.

Come to think of it, neither one of us are very good at goodbyes.

How can we even use the title "best friends", we've been so disant since your mum's death. You kept me at a distance. I kept you in the bubble of safe and content, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to be your friend. We've been so distant. Why do we keep bullshitting each other.

I'm too much to handle, I'm too different. I cause you pain.

Nothing I can do now. Nothing I could ever do.

Wrong timing. Bad communication.

I think we'd be so good for each other, if we met each other now. If I knew who I was, if you could just accept it. If I could just know how I hurt you.

I get to walk away with out saying goodbye. And that's going to be even harder than you know.

May 1st

Monday, 10:38 am

Overwhelmed with the void.

Again.

No sting.

Again.

No release.

Again. Again. Again.

I couldn't feel the pain.

Sheets stained.
Shirt stained.
Soul stained.

Long sleepless night.

April 30th

Sunday, 7:30 pm

I didn't want you to leave

Paralyzed laying next to you, my mind screaming to reach out.

Murmur,
help me.
Whisper,
I don't know if I can be alone tomorrow.
Sob,
I don't trust myself.

Paralyzing.
Pretending to sleep.

I don't want you to leave.
I've never been this scared.

Today. Death was a possibility.
I've never been this scared.

Tomorrow, the feelings of this night will be unfathomable.
Fear is now, empty.
Empty is now, nothing.

Two more months.

Memories shift emotions

I could further along in the many subjects that have peaked my interest.

Japanese, sign language, baking, painting, craft, knitting, sewing, guitar, violin, voice acting, singing, dancing, drawing, writing.

I could be in a number of cities and places, in Canada or the states.

Alberta, Revelstoke, Tofino, Abbotsford, Seattle, Chilliwack, San Francisco, Michigan.

I could have graduated, on time, with my first highschool.

Not my fourth.

I could have gone to prom, with friends. Dated, gotten a job, my license, a car, a home.

Lived on track. Any track.

I could have a best friend. A group of them.

That loved me, truly.

I could have stayed.

But I fought back. I pushed and pushed and ended up alone. So many deep connections lost, because I too was lost.

I ran. It's what I'm best at.
Deflect. Ignore. Push.

There are many paths I could have taken. Many paths I now know were wrong. Many roads that led me stray, that helped me run.

In the end, I am here. A few leagues behind where I think I should be, but here none the less.

Finally making time to sit with my feelings, thoughts, memories. My flight response.

I've pushed and pushed and pushed. And it's coming back up. Time to sort through the why's, the darkness.

My past.

"And I won't ever let you go"

"Wait for me to come home."

I'm not home, right now.

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier,
Remember that with every piece of you
Hm, and it's the only thing we take with us when we die

Let's start with some introductions.

Hi, I'm Toby. I'm 24, 25 in March. 

I'm a Non-Binary, Asexual.

Nice to meet you.

It's be a long journey, but here I sit, wiser and far more free than I've ever been. I was pushed. Torn. Hurt. Lost. Alone. Displaced. Uncomfortable to the point of breaking, in my own skin. So far into myself, that the darkness was warmth, the lost was normal. It's been a long journey, but here I sit.

It's been a long journey, but here I sit, smarter and far more calm that I've ever been. I was confused. Stupid. Mislead. Disconnected. Angry to the point of breaking, in my own skin. So far into myself, that the mental illnesses were warmth, the disassociation was normal. It's been a long journey, but here I sit.

It's been a long journey, but here, I sit. Ready to make the next steps towards the person I truly am, the person that needed time to bloom. 

It's been a long journey, but here I sit, today, alive, and fighting. 

It's been a long journey, but here is where I no longer sit, as these are my first steps into my next milestone. 

Hi, I'm Toby. I'm 24, 25 in March. I'm a Non-Binary, Asexual. And I am going to get top surgery, this year or next. These are my first steps. It's nice to meet you. 

Soft murmur, weak, but still beating.

You are heard.

Just when we were panicking,
 hope lost at the last life signs fading.

The planets terraforming just wasn't taking.

Monitors cease alarm mode, panic still set,
 a hush falls as breath catches,
a rhythmic pulse can now be heard.

You are heard.

"You met me at a strange point in my life," the letter begins "and while this was beneficial, (perhaps to both of us) it wasn't a point where I had solid footing. While I still think I'm not in the best place in life, I've had a long time to think of what I truly need, where I should be heading, the person I'd like to be when I get there, and what would help me get further to my goals of being content, mindful, and embracing love." The writer takes a sip of wine and lets out a long breath. "It's going to be quite the journey, but I believe I've got the training to get me started, (equipped a walking stick this time 'round.) And I'd like to have you be apart of that quest, at time we weren't the best for each other, but thq path I chose isn't straight and narrow, it wanders 'round like a drunken fellow, some days it's hard for me to follow, but if you've got my back I'll go on. If you've got my back I'll go on..."