In Days Past.,,

Memories Made, From Days Past. 

Ones I Wish Couldve Lasted.

Man Thing.

I Wont Be Able To Update Until MondayMorning/SundayNight..

The manthing will be visiting. he was spoce to be coming up for prom. but the ministry fucked me over and the he couldnt get a tux in time and it was all a mess. long story short, he is still coming up.

I'm just worried what he'll think when he sees me..
I'm braced for a look of utter disgust. But it will still crush me.

Any who..
Shall Post MondayMorning/SundayNight..

 Until then, Yours Truly,
Alice.

"Honor the victims"

International No Diet Day.

May 6th

Eat Cake

Rejoice

I Tried. Guess I'm Not Ready To Get Better.

Good.

End Of Story.

I'm Going To Go Finish My Pie Now.

If It Kills Me,

"If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again"

It Might Kill Me.

Unwell - Matchbox Twenty

"All night, Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep, Because tomorrow might be good for somethin."

Matchbox 20 - Unwell (music video)

its just me,paul | MySpace Video

When I'm Gone?

"
I'd Rather Not Leave You,
Not When Your Like This.
it worries me what your

truly capable of.
"

Change Of Pace,

"War In Your Bedroom."

It All Begins To Echo

I Dont Think You Understand The Weight, And Power, Your Words Have Over Me. Just Please.. If you care at all, dont tell me you still love me.


It would just tear me to shreds.

I Wanna Know.

How Am I Defined?

My hair? My eyes?
By the books I've read? Havent read?
By the marks on my hand, or perhaps the pills under my bed?

Am I defined my the thoughts in my head?
Or the tendencies that over take me behind closed doors?

Maybe It Comes Down To How I See Myself,
And If Thats Really It.


I Shouldnt Be Loved.

Dear Beast,

If you saw me, the way I view myself, would you still love me?

My Jello..

Ever. Single. Word.

Rips My Heart Out.

Over. And, Over. Again.

It Hurts More Then I Remember It Ever Before.

And I Dont Think It'll Ever Stop Hurting.

Please.

[I just need to rest my weary eyes, one moment more, please, let me sleep.]

[Trying To Hold, Just A Second Longer.]

"Give In, Let Go." She screams                  "In A Moment." I Reply.

And Now.

I've Got Nothing To Say. Nothing To Do.
And I'm Left Feeling Helpless once more.

I Dont Want Your Help. I'd ruin it anyways.

I'm not meant to accept aid.
I'm meant to get in to trouble, and drown.

I Should Just Accept I'm Not Meant To Have A Good Youth.
The Faster I Accept This,
The Faster I'll Be Able To Fuck Up My Adult Life.

He Is

And Forever Will Be, The One.
And he's begun to love another.
He asked for advice. A Gift For Her.

I Began To Cry.
He'll never know he means the world to me.
He'll never know when i wished him luck-

-I Wished Him Love.

Its All In The Faith

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

Quote Taken From Here

He Said,

"Always And Forever."

My Friend, My Closest Friend. You've Helped Me More Then You'll Ever know. And one day, I hope to be able to give you the hug I've promised you countless times. Even Though I'd Never Say, I'm Terrified To Meet You Finally. Then You'd See Why Everyone Walks Away. Why no one knows anything. I know you know me better then all the others. No matter how silly it is. it still scares me.

These Arms

Are Empty. Rain Falls. To Deserted Streets.

I Walk. Onward. No Direction In Mind.

For now i pretend..

I Said I'd Try Harder.
Promised To Push My Limits.
Swore To Never Give In Again.

I'm Not Worthy Of Your Love.

I'll Never Be Worthy.
When You Realise This,
It'll Hurt More Than Anything.

I've Had It.

I can see myself going down hill.

it more then terrifies me. 

and i wont allow it to contiue. i know fighting with my ED will take more time. that i dont think i'll be able to be saved from for a long time. but i cant be like this. i just cant. i see what its doing to thoes around me. and it pains me so much more. i cant have it. i wont. i've got to make a stand to turn this all around. cause if i dont, no one can. i'm sorry to thoes that have tried so hard to help me, and seen no resalt. i tell you now, seeing how you all cared, worried, and expressed you love really did bring me to realise how bad it had become. i know this wont be easy for i let it go on too long. but i need to take the frist steps. and i will. i'm too yonge to trow my life away like i have. ive got to try to make the best of it. and thats what i plan to do. i will wake up and take on what the day trows at me. i will find reasons to be happy for life in the moment. i'll be back to me soon. but it'll be hard. and i'll still need your help on the days when its even more hard. but with the support of my friends, i know i can do this.

This is step one.

These Days,

Lighthouse, Broken

She Returns.

My mouth has the need, the want, the disire.

It screams "Now! More! Faster!"

Mia Takes Over. Says It'll Only Take A Moment.

I Cant Even Taste Any Of It.

My stumic is full to the brim, it hurts.

Screams "No! Please.. Stop!"

The Pleads Are Muffled.

Everything in sight needs to be destroyed or its next victum.

Mia coos softly

I lay on the floor wimpering as her words surround me once more.

She Askes If It Was Worth It.

I Begin To Cry From Her Piceing Eyes Being To Jugde Me.

She Hauls Me Off The Floor Whispering,

"It'll Be Over Soon."

Mia Places Me In The Same Spot,

Just As She's Done Countless Times Before

She Stands Back And Lets Me Finish Her Shameful Task.

I crumble to the cold floor

Once agian empty, pure, dazed and comfused.

Mia Sits Next To Me, Brushes Sweat Soaked Hair From My Face.

She Comments On My Job Well Done

Says I Take Orders Well.

Then, Like Nothings Happened

She Steps Over Me, Walks Away

Lets Me Cry Once More.

All Alone.

"Not Now"

Blink 182
 

"Please stay untill I'm gone


I'm here hold on to me

I'm right here waiting"

..So much of me to go around

I am Losing.

Me and Mia were strugling.
Shes winning.

Ana saw that she had taken over and wanted a peice to.
 Mia made me weak but i am trying so hard to fight.

Shes in my brain.
In my dreams.
Inside.

 Waiting for me to fail.
to hurt me.
to take me.

and i'm affraid that it is another battle i'm going to lose.
 i dont wanna lose.
please dont let me lose.

Reconnections?

With The Wrong Person.

Always Here For You..

"And even if your only ever just my best friend in the entire world your that one thing i will always fight for


some will think me a fool to put everything i have for one person but its my peace of mind.. and what keeps this heart beating

always here for you."

You'll never really know how much you mean to me, Youve helped me so much in the past just as i've helped you. And i promise you, i'll never be far when you need me most . . <3

Cue Exit

"Tear Open Old Wounds With A Smile, Lie To Me With Every Improper Punctuation, Just Please, Say Whats On Your Mind."

i've given up. let them do what they want. i want nothing more then to stop breathing. let me choke on the ironic BS they are trying to force feed me. I'm tapping out. Good night.

Matt Erno -

"Who's one person you'll never forget your whole life? Why?"

I can think of alot of people I'd like to write down, but I can only think of about three I'll never forget for my entire life, Tyson, because he's been my best friend for many years, Sara, because she's a beautiful person capable of making anyones living hell of a life seem ten times brighter with her positivity, and Janine, because I tried really really hard with her and now I've wondered every day since she left what the fuck shes been up to.

I Am =

Unknown.

I use to think I was that shy little indie girl, the one with the retro clothing and a cute smile.

I dont know what to think anymore.

Motion City Sound Track -

"Every Thing Is Alright."

"I used to rely on self-medication,

I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future,
"Someday you'll be fine.."
Yes, I'll be just fine"

[Goodbye Agian.]

What Ever Happends, Happends. I Cant Change Your Mind. Thats Just How You Are.

I'm Like A Muted Pawn. Used To Hurt The Aposing Member.

Sick Puppies -

"All The Same"

 

I dont mind where you come from

As long as you come to me

Edit Self.

Little Scars. Blackning Bruses. Self Harm.

My knees are both brused. They have been for two months.

Cloe noticed. Made a comment how i'm a goof and get my self hurt in the oddest ways. She saw they were worse today. not better. and had asked what i did. i told her i'm a street walker its how i pay my rent.

Laughed it off.

She dosnt know its from kneeling in front of a toilet bowl

two - four times a day, every day for the past 3 months.

Numbers,

Counting, Recounting. Over, And Over.

Its just lunch, Normel every day samwhich. But my heart starts racing.

I'm counting. Adding everything up.
Its over. I cant be over. If I'm over I Painc.
I'm starting to panic.
I cant calm myself unless i know.
unless every number is added.

I try to math it all out,
 how many crunches, push ups, miles i'll have to run.

even before it touches my lips.


this is how i live.
every moment of the day.

no more tears

Say What You Will - Justin Hines

Say What You Will Before Its Too Late

The Time I Spent With You

Is Like A Dream Come True

The Words To Every Song.

Listening to these lryics, over and over. Finding Meaning.
Matching Feelings.

Wishing I Could Explain Like That.

All Of It. He Knows.
Im not sure I can face him right now.
Im terrifiyed. Minds racing. Heart pounding.
I wish he'd laugh.
Think its all a joke.
I wish i could take it all back.

Sleep into forever.

Numbness

Setting In. I never ment for this all to happen.

I promised my self i'd never cut myself agian.
Another promise broken. I Never Seem To Fail To Disapoint.

I Just Want Happiness.
I Wish Everything Would Work Out, come together,
Like everyone keeps saying it will.

I know my art school dreams will nver happen.
I know things with yannic will end like every time before.
I know i'll be left alone and numb like i swore i'd never let happen agian.

I want it all to stop. To take a second to breath. Take it al in. Figure out what i should be doing. where i should be going from here. i cant ask another. i got my self into this. i let it get this deeply fucked up. i can fix. i've just got to find out how. i wont let it happen like times before. i cant let that happen. i need to figure out what makes me happy. but thats the hardest when i cant feel anything but a pain in my chest and a trob in my wrist.

second serenade/.;

Your Call

Cause I was born to tell you I love you

and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine

Stay with me tonight

Panic Attack.

Its all too real. All Too Real All Too Fast.

i Want it To stop.

The Things I Tell You

You dont trust me. Well you shouldnt
But thats okay. I'm a mess anyways.


i want you to love me. but if you knew me you'd turn away in discust.


i'm not living. i'm rotting. i'm dead. i have no feeling.
i'm the walking dead.

zombified. you love the dead.

you only think i'm alive for i smile and laugh like a normal human does.

Starved. Its A Good Thing

 All Seven Episodes Brought Me Closer. Showed Me More.

thatthisteenagedramaisrealerthenithought.

i got scared

i felt alone

i ran away

and now sit at sqaure one.

Agian.

Ep 1, Prt 1

Complete Episode List.

This Is How It Spirals.

I Am, How I Am, For I Know No Other Way.

2000 Calories In. 2000 Calories Out. 20 Mintues Flat.

This Should Be Classifiyed As An Olymipic Sport.

I Dont Want This. My Heart Speeds Up, Three Times Normal Pace. My Head Begins To Spin. Palms Begin To Sweat. Finger Covered In Bile.

This Is How I Spend My Afternoon At Home.

Its Not All Bad.

but i cant think of one damn good thing about it eiher.

tell me the truth

is this right?

The rush, how everything rushes. how i smile and feel light.
how everything fits, how everything feels right.

how we never talk. how i'm more a side note. how i just dont care.

Not Even The Damned

No One At All, Should Go Through That Much Pain Alone.
Nor Should They Walk Around Town Loopy And Half Frozen Alone.
No One Should Be Alone.
I'm So Alone.

It hit me, hard, when the nurse has asked me if i had anyone to call to get me home safely, i had said "no, no one." I later realised these where the frist words i had spoken all day. No counting pointing at my eye to asmue the doctor when he had asked what had brought me in today.

Its really sad. Really truly heart crushing. I have no one. In a world full of someones. I Cry A Night, no one there.

I unlike some people

.. know what is causing my weight not to dangoursly plummit like i wish it would.


i stumboled across this "wannarexic"'s blog the other day while looking up days of ABC and she was wondering why her weight kept coming back. hmm lets see YOU KEEP EATING YOU WANNAREXIC WHORE UGH they make me sooo mad! "Iwannaloseweightformyblahblahblah" NO OKAY! ENOUGH! sure we of the ED have reasons to lose said large amounts of weight and fast, but its all a mental problem not so much a weight thing. okay that dosent help. read "purge" you tool and be done with your rentless coplaining! you wanna end up like helen! DO YOU! neithr do i, but i have the same mind setting as her. and wheihter i like it or not will end up close to that and well death or not, something bad will happen.

okay...rant over.. its safe to come out now.

i think though, like janie in the book, finding something to take my anger out on would make life easier to bare.

CUE HEART FAILUR

Well fuck..

Now I Know I'm A Better Mia Hands Down.. Uh.. Fingers Down That Is.. Then An Ana Anyday.

Which Is Really Sad.. I Was So Hopeing It Could Be Passed. Traded in for something much better and easier on the plumbing. ho hum.

Cant win them all.

RuNnINg

Run-run-runing, Legs Gotta Keep Pumping. Gotta Keep Moving.
Gotta Reach That Burn, Gotta Feel That Burn. Gotta Hit My Goals.

Yannic expects slim toned fit sara. Bathing suit worthy sara.

Oh and his jaw will indeed drop.

I want to impress him. To make his wildest dreams come true.
To Be His Everything.

No more talk of food with yannic. Only running and the gym.
I want him to think i'm getting better.
Him to believe i'm only aiming healthy.


 well 99 isnt underweight per say.
and 95 is just sexy!

He cant say no to my ways when his down stairs brain takes over!
This can work.

If i can get through tonight and tomorrow mornings run i can do anything. Be amazing. Be thin. Be everything i've always wanted to be.

PLANS

Made on paper and in the heart.

I cant let this shit contiue on.
I cant let yannic down.
I cant.
And I wont.

.,"

Of Everything. He is my thinsporation. My drive. My biggest Judge.

And The One I Cant Fail.

Pehaps. Only Perhaps.

I'm so confused. At a loss at what to do.

I wanna curl in a ball. Die perhaps.

Everything Hurts.
And It feels Deep Blue Is On The Verge Of Taking Over Once Again.


I want that book. The one in the book store. The one about the bluimic.
I want to know how it ends.

I want to have the guts to talk to asia about her post. Her writing.
Her lies.
Her very believeable lies.

Has the pushing away started agian?
I feel it. I dont want it.

My dreams screamed that i was a failure to him.
They said i'd never live up to everything he asks of me.
Everything that he expects.

I believe that. I can barly live up to my damn expectations.
How will i ever live up to those of another.

Take MyHand,

And lets run away, run run far away.

I'll never tell you. but i want you.
You and me, it would work so damn well.
Your amazing. And you cant even see it.
You cant even see me.
You dont know how badly i wish you could see me.

Take Two>?

Stop. Do You Really Think The Change Will Last?


Everything always comes back, everything ends up the same.

Always bites me in the ass.

Maybe it will take longer this time. But i think it'll happen all the same.