Fair Is Fair

And An Update Is Long Over Due.

I'm not too sure whats been up with me as of late. I want to jump the gun with blaming the medication. But to be honest, I'm not sure what I'm medicating any more. This week has been more then eventful, with Mechelle's death, schooling, job interview and damn public transit, I'm very flustered. 

Being by my self often, I've had a lot of time to think, self reflection if you will. And well, I've realized my eating, was indeed emotional. And the purging was as well. Let me explain. I've never really been taught how to deal with emotions, I was told to keep it to my self. Being an only child with a single parent, I was often in my own head and left to take care of myself, I never wanted to bother another with silly feelings or thoughts. Seemed everyone was too busy, I didn't want to be the handful, so I kept it all neutral. In the end that lead to eating when I was sad, nervous, angry, frustrated, and anything in between. It was to push all those void feelings down, cover em up. Over time that turned into wanting it all out. It all became too much. Over whelmed and confused, it turned into purging. I'd devourer everything in sight, when it became too much, down it went, feelings and all. Sure I was left numbed, but to me, it was better then all the confusing emotions. I've never been good at talking about whats on my mind to others, never more then "I'm fine." I think I told others that so much I started to fool myself. When things went down hill with mum, no one knew, and to me, thats how it should have been. Others were going through more horrid things then myself, and again, I didn't want to be a bother. A long while back, when one thing led to another, I had broke down at a friends sleepover/birthday thing, everything came out about mum. That got the ball rolling. I'm not sure where I'd be if I didn't say anything. I don't really want to think about it. Seems I've babbled and lost my train of though.. I'm probably boring you all with this. 

Or another note, got a package from Sarah today, it contained a copy of "Wreck This Journal." by Keri Smith. I own another book by her, Its called, "This Is Not A Book." I did however own a copy of the journal before Sarah sent one to me, but I think I'll really go to town on this one, I mean really, I've gotta make her proud. I'm going to finish it and send it back :) I'm sure she'll get a kick outta that! Besides that, I've got Asia and Cloe's letters to write as well. I'm working on my English again, I mean, its not much, but its better then nothing. I've got another phone call with ACAD lady today, to fill out my application. I'm really stoked! Its the same thing as AI, but well, affordable (Y) I've got a project going with Matt I should start working on as well, boredom really often results in bad ideas, heh. Either way, its a snow ball mailing company, and I've got the job of making a poster! (Shall post when complete) I'm also going to find online copies of the spoken poems I had to review for class. A few really stuck with me, and I wish to share them with you. 

I'd like to take this time to address a comment left for me on a post a while back now. (You know who you are.) I have to admit, I saw it the day you posted it.. I just, well, I was being a coward for waiting this long to answer you, hell answering you this way is still being a coward, but its all I can muster right now. I know you wish to help more, Yannic feels just as helpless, but really.. Its all something I've got to stand up and fight. I know your standing on the sidelines, cheering me on, wanting to be more there for me, I just don't know how to let you in. It took a while to let yannic in, and even now I can't bring myself to tell him everything. Its not as easy as just blurting it all out, Its such a hard mind setting to explain. Hell, I don't understand it some times.. I don't even know if things are better or not anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.. I just wanted you to know that well, I know your there for me if/when I need you. And knowing that helps a lot more then you'd think. It's hard being stuck in your own head with all these thoughts swimming around and thinking there is no one there, but I've got you, yannic, asia, cloe, and many friends I've made from PT. And well, thats a lot more then some ever have. I just wanted you to know your help isn't ever taken for granted. So thank you. And you know if you ever need me, I'll be there with cup cakes and hugs, maybe not as fast, but on my bike and with a smile <3

I know this update was long overdue. But there ya go!