I'm not sure what I'm doing. Just have another glass of wine. I thought I was making friends, I thought I was making close meaningful friendships. But here I am loosing them. This is why I can't make friends. They all leave. And I'm alone again. Loneliness is the worst feeling. Just have another glass of wine. Saying goodbye shouldn't be this tough. Just have another glass of wine. What does it matter anymore, if the people I think care most, can just up and leave.. "For me, it'll be no loss." I don't think I can eat today. But really.. What does it matter. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I bought caffeine pills.
Turns out the site creator was on Dr.Phil? Dr.OZ? I dunno.. but the site was called out for being the worlds largest eating disorder website and shamed. Which is terrible.. As I know so many people, myself included, that was saved from that site.
I had to find out more.
And I found the mods from the old PT.. made a new one.
On the old PT, I lived on that site.. I was almost even a mod for the forums. And I had a family there. When I needed my support for anything, I knew I could go there. From someone to chat with about fainting and fitness to all my recovery attempts. I have my Unity Bracelet still and wear it with pride. As we truly were united. But long story short..
I reopened my account.
I want to recover. I haven't eaten today.
I need to recover. I'm not sure I plan to eat today.
I crave recovery.. I feel faint.
Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me I am small and needy Warm me up And breathe me
I'm scared to be home.
I'm close to hitting underweight, a few more days of being in this apartment.. if we start to fight.. I know it'll push me too far. It's brought me back to my trigger songs. And I think that scares me most.
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
That Make Your Heart Smile. Moments That You Realize, Life Isn't So Darn Bad.
I was walking home, slightly tipsy, when this song came on my iPod.. I stopped and smiled..
I realized that even though life down right blows, I have so many friends, and so many things to be happy about.. That sure, life really isn't fun right now, but that's okay, because I have love and support and most of all, friendship.
I Stood There And I Realized For The First Time In My Life.. I Couldn't Kill My Self. I have too many people in this world that mean so much to me, their happiness means so much to me.. I couldn't bare knowing that I hurt these people by carelessly ending my life.. That I have to keep pushing, for these people, but most of all, myself. I have to keep pushing forward for the future, for my future and my dreams. Cause I'm going to make it somewhere.
So no matter how bad things get, it'll be okay, everything will be okay.
And I continued walking home, smiling bright and singing along to this song.
I haven't been loosing anymore weight.. But I can't seem to gain any either. The last time this happened I skipped my monthly, and as I was overjoyed at the time.. that was my goal the last time this happened. (The loss of the monthly period is when a large amount of weight is lost in a short amount of time, the person becomes underweight from lack nutrition or from over whelming stress)
But I'm really trying this time.. I'm terrified that I'm becoming malnourished again.. I know what it feels like, the dizziness, sickness, lack of energy.. I just.. I don't know what to do.
The last thing I wanted was to fall down this path again.
I was ready for recovery.. and now I'm on the brink of being underweight if this keeps up..
Gah.. I wish I had that bracelet..
And The Cold Medications That Let Me Sleep At Night.
I realized last night what a selfish person I really am. I had promised a friend that I'd keep up with the post on a progress blog of sorts and give feed back on this personal journey they have started.. And after many promises that "I'll read it later" I had gotten go caught up with my own BS and drama that I had forgotten..
While they are up late night after night helping me sort out my life, not asking for anything in return.
How can I be even allowed to have such caring friends?
I know it might seem like I'm beating myself up a little too harshly over this.. But in my eyes I'm not. They trusted me and shared this journey with me, asking a simple request, to read and respond. And I've failed them.
I've got to put my trivial issues aside, and start putting my friends first.
Or I'll loose these ones as well.
And between you and me, these ones are the best ones I've found..
I think I'm getting a stress induced cold/flu.. and that just makes my hurting teeth hurt more. I was talking to Jason last night about my teeth pains.. we think it might be from the years of purging and they are finally just failing me now. Stomach acid will do that.
Not that's what I'll tell the dentist.
On a side note.. I can't get that smirk outta my head..
It makes my knees weak.. in the best possible way..
I've sent a total of 47 emails to potential rooms for rent. And only three replies. I went and saw a place yesterday, 460$ ish max a month, but the room is tiny and even though I'm not in a place to be picky, I'd like to look at a few other at least before I commit.
Jason and I finally sat down and had a chance to talk. Yeah I know.. it was about as much fun as it sounds. But it had to happen and I'm very glad that it did. He is still holding on to the romantic aspect and what not, but I can't blame him. I do feel like the biggest shit in the world about hurting him like this.. but we are just so much more compatible as friends. Infact, after our talks we had some beer and pizza and watched King of the Hill. It was really just what we needed.
I get to spend Christmas over at Nayas' and I'm simply ecstatic about that news! I might be a broke joke.. but I tried to buy everyone at least something. Cause everyone deserves something thoughtful from a loved one.
I asked my new friend from the irc about making me a recovery bracelet, a simple chain with a few coloured stones to represent my self harm, depression, anxiety, and eating disorder. And then one or two stones hanging from it. The stones hanging down will be white, the colour of recovery.
I've seen a few other disorder bracelets as of late and identified myself to these people, but pointed to my PT unity bracelet instead.. and as much as I love my PT unity bracelet, I feel a new chapter has started.. and I'm ready for my recovery beads.
But again.. I'm a broke joke.. but Dellys' jewelry is so wonderful.. it would simply mean thre world to me if a new friend like that could make this deeply meaningful and symbolic thing for me.. but Gah.. it's so expensive..
I guess my recovery chapter will have to wait a little longer.
We must blend into the choir Sing as static with the whole We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won We must run, we must run, we must run
Its been a while, and so many things have happened. I'm not even sure I want to write any of it down.. As you might has noticed, I'm back to writing poetry. As that is an amazing leap forward, I find myself again, drowning my sadness with alcohol. Tonight when I said I was leaving for food, I ended up on an hour long walk.. that turned into a jog.. I found myself running to the liquor store. Six pack of beer and some sort of mickey.. I wanted vodka. I only know vodka. But vodka makes me craves the blade.. craves the blood and the pain. I know that too well. I got whiskey.
I'm moving out. Things have ended with Jason, and I'm moving out. I'm finding a place. I'm not doing so well holding myself together. I don't want to cause him pain, but hearing his sobs in the shower the other morning.. might have pushed me over the edge. I don't know what to do.. but i know being here hurts him. I have no friends in the city.. there isn't any where for me to go.. what should I do? Why can't I just please everyone.. keep everyone happy.. make them all smile and feel loved.. That's all I wish I could do.
My heart just has so much love. But all the love I give, ends up hurting people.
why can't I just love, and be happy..?
Oh my morning's coming back The whole world's waking up All the city buses swimming past I'm happy just because I found out I am really no one
Laying next to you makes me feel even more lonely, then if I were sleeping alone.
But then again, what am I doing?
This is really long distance, 86 hours by train. But.. He is.. *sigh* he writes poetry, cosplays, plays video games and is so caring so sweet..
Is that enough, to have all the same common interests?
Either way, I'm moving out. I can't be in this apartment anymore. School is starting soon.. And I have naya to worry about.
No.. I have my own sanity to worry about. When I got back from nayas I was 120.9 no more then a week later.. 112.6 I know, and I'm so sorry.. I havent been this low since doing coke everyday for a month. I'm only eating a bowl of rice a day at most.. Some times more.. Mostly less. But one thing is consent, I've been up late drinking. It always comes back to drinking. I wont touch the vodka, the vodka makes me cut. I'm sipping wine, skittle wine, because thats what I use to drink when I would paint, when I would pour my soul into a creation. What ever happened to that?
Who I am now, is someone I never intended to be. For I got lost in the back of my head. I've told you, it was a maze, I've told you what I have said But here we go
In circles we travel,
unwanted this attention,
unneeded this trouble.
Just stand there alone,
gaze up in the spotlight.
People will pass,
children will point.. but
remain where you stand,
a symbol of hope.
My heat was burning,
it did once light our way
out of the center of
this very maze.
If I stop talking
I'm sure you'll be lost,
deeper and deeper into thought..
A walking zombie,
just like I found you..
Tattered, battered,
and possibly decaying..
But that doesn't matter,
its not how thing will end..
I can't see the future,
our time remaining.. but I'll
stand with you so,
I don't fall be hind.
Hold my hand tight,
never let me go..
Be there with me when
the bullet wound shows;
Right through where
my heart use to be
now is a shot.. I bleed.
My life is ending,
you can't save me now..
All this, is some silly,
words written down.
Nothing in ink,
or recorded in a book..
Just pencil and paper,
take another look!
It can be erased,
like magic
it disappears..
With slightly effort,
its gone..
Simply no proof of existent.
Like a Cliff hanger,
this ending..
Two words
can stop it all.
Loneliness has to be the most painful emotion.. Next to depression.
Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself
Maybe its all tied together, and I'm only making it worse by being selfish and valuing your friendship over everything else.
But selfish or not.. I know I miss you..
If I can't keep myself together I'm not sure anyone can.. Sadly you and your kindness can't fix me.
Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself
I'm nothing more then poison.. It's all happen before, and it'll only hurt so much more this time 'round because your the innocent by stander, I wasn't ment to find your kindness.
New friends, just when I was certain new friends would be nothing but bad news.. I've gone and made a handful more <3
Joining the irc has honestly not only brought me back to drawing, and art.. but has sparked my passion for it, making me push my boundaries and see how much I can improve. Which is a mind frame I never thought I would find again.
Sure I'm the new random person that hasn't been around very long.. But I still feel like I've made friends, and in a way finding myself aswell.
It all might seem silly, but for a few people scattered all over the globe to be able to drag a lonely girl out of depression and back to her art, is really something amazing.
This really wouldn't be possible with out Twitchy.. He was the reason I came back to the irc the first few times, and I can't thank him enough.
I know it's risky, and I'm not even sure why I did it, but I looked on Craigslist. And I found someone. She is married and not looking for commitment, just cuddles and adventures! And is nerdy and cute. It's only been an email back and forth thus far, but it's promising.
I should be at her house.. cuddled close and warm. But I'm here, drinking, sad, and mad.. I dunno.. So I have any reason to be mad? Sure I guess.. But I'm tore, cause I really wanted this, we had a great setup and everything was worked out.. but she doesn't wanna see me. And before its over.
Its been a while, too long in fact, since I've felt your soft skin pressed against mine..
Its been a while, a few months or so since we spoke, the last time being when I was avoiding you.. I feel bad about that now.. but you had a girl friend, I didn't want to be in the way of that. I wanted you to find happiness and love, the latter being something I knew I couldn't give you. But you're away right now, all the way in Montreal, your operation went smoothly and your on your way to recovery.
You sent me a message yesterday, and a few short hours later we became "cuddle buddies"
I'll finally have my first experiences with a girl.. I'm so nervous, yet so excited..
I know we have done it before, but it's different this time round.. it will be your first time aswell.. With a girl, finally completely as a girl.
But I Think These Feeling Are Wrong..
Am I Even Allowed To Have Them..
I was spose to find a girl..
I want a girl.. I want her soft skin against mine..
But your not that.. Its not a bad thing..
But you've brought out the worst in me.
I purged. I'll say it again. I purged after however many months with out it.
I want it, thin-ness, It's what I'm craving..
No, thats a lie. I want the control.. Because thats what I lack right now.
Your so far away, I want you to understand..
I'm broken sure, but I'm healing see?
No its not on the surface.. but its there.. I'm trying hard but its not good enough.
I'm feeling pretty darn good with my self as of late. I've been making friends (online.. but they count!) even started drawing again, and to top it all off, two days ago I applied to BCIT.
I'm making progress, and some yappy deviant art troll will never bring me down!
I've been walking this thin line between recovery, and relapse.
Been feeling very uncomfortable in my skin for a few weeks (most likely from no gym time) and then took a dive.. three days of laxatives and diurex and eating around five hundred calories (give or take) It shook me just enough however. I know I don't want that life, that obsession (Even when it gave me direction and purpose)
I wanna try, and live without those numbers in my head, and sleepless dreams after trying to feel for bones.
There isn't any structure without a nine to five work week, and I'm not sure with realizing this makes me more of an adult, or that I'm just looking for more reasons to complain.
Jason and I have started doing yoga everyday after he gets home, and its helping my blue moods. I know he is right, lack of exercise is driving me bonkers.. It ties in perfectly with the lack of work thing, I don't get up and out of the house so I never leave the house, simple.
Got my first swimming workout in! Oh it felt great to have my heart rate up and no pain in my joints :-) Oh it was simply wonderful! I felt good in my swimming suit and finally felt happy, I haven't felt that happy in a really long while.. And I think it's gonna stick. I'm excited.
Yes, I know I've said that countless times before, But I'm Loosing Myself.
I haven't been to the gym, all month. I haven't missed more then a 3 day span since I've joined there, and I feel bloated, large, awkward. So I've been having the worst thoughts. Its for the best of my joints though, but they are only getting worse. I'm in extreme amounts of pain, all day, and throughout the night.
I bought my training swimsuit however, and borrowed a few books from the library. I'm ready, but I'm stalling. I'm putting off getting my pass, and reading the books, I'm scared I'll screw up. I'm terrified I'll look like a fool, I just got everything figured out at the gym, and now I'm not on dry land anymore.
The Anime Convention was great! We got to spend to together, and be nerdy, although we both spent too much money. (Which will no doubt be a factor of stress soon) I only had one problem, little Emily France. I think now that perhaps I was jealous, that I wanted Naya's attention, and that touchy cuddly way that she was attacking Naya with was perhaps my wish. But I think better now, that all wasn't the case, it was simply this little France came outta no where and pushed me outta the picture away from my best friend, reality is.. only friend. And I got sacred.
Speaking of the Con.. That silly Chinese lady that cut my hair, did a terrible job. I hate it. But I just can't be bothered to care anymore.
I want to cut. Really badly. Really, REALLY badly.
I want to purge. I want to fast. I want my laxatives, and caffeine pills.
I want to hurt myself.
I'm falling in this dark hole,
and I'm not sure I want to be pulled outta it.
I'm not sure why I''m writing this to you, I'm not sure if its cause I miss you, or the touch of another female. I just know I'm going crazy missing the passion we experienced that night, and how I can't get the feeling out of my head.
I'm not sure if its from the alcohol that I'm writing this, or if its just the push I needed to send these words your way.. But I have an overwhelming urge to tell you, show you, who I am.
Its not much, but its raw, unfiltered, me.
this is who I am, and i haven't figured out if its a good thing or not.
I'm not sure what I am right now, what I am doing or who I'm meant to be looking for.. But I feel like I'm covering up and suppressing urges and, to be honest myself. There was such an intense passion, I've never felt before, and it just burst with you.
I need that again..
What am I doing.. I shouldn't be emailing you.. I'm confused and ashamed of these feeling..
What am I supposed to do.. I can't be myself, I always get stuck in relationships that require my attendance. I'm not sure why I need this.. but I feel incomplete..
Coming up fast, I'll be working security at the pride in my city, and I feel that of any time that would be the best to get t
his off my chest. As my blog reader you may already know, but for those that don't I'm bisexual, and this is what I plan to post after or during the festival to my Facebook, letting my family, friends and whom ever know. Then to forward it to Dan Savage, as he has really helped me with the struggle of self-acceptance, as I'm sure he has with many others.
The letter is as follows:
*just an update, Ive decided not to post this to facebook.
This weekend I worked security at Vancouver Pride Parade and festivity, and if you have a moment, there is something I'd like to tell you.
For a long while, I've felt ashamed, confused, and wished to denine this part of me. Because of media, social pressure norms, and peers all tell me the way I feel is wrong.
However, this world has come along way, bringing peoples understanding and acceptance with it.
It has taken me a long while to feel comfortable enough to say this out loud, even still I'm not sure the reactions I'll receive, but this is a part of who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I am Bisexual, which means I find both men and women sexually attractive.
Really it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. And if more people felt they could come forward, like your boss, neighbor or best friend perhaps, then maybe, someday it wouldn't be such a big deal. Finally then acceptance would over power the shame and fear that these people, myself included, feel.
Attraction, stirring feelings, and most importantly love, is just that, regardless of ethnicity, religion or gender.
And to me, love is a very powerful thing. I hope it is to you as well.
Always and forever, because you are my best friend. I could go all sob story, tell you just how much you've made my life bare able and worthwhile, but the memories we share speak loud enough for them selves.
I know today isn't the day I send you a link to my blog, nor tomorrow, or any day soon.. But some day, as I want you to know what I've been through, and how far I've come.
We've been friends for such a long time, and it makes me smile to know we will be for many more years to come. Cause to be honest, no one is quite like you, and no two people get along quite like us.
I hope to move closer to you, to be there when you need me, to be able to help, to really help. The way best friends do.
I'm not sure what stirred this post inside of me.. Maybe it's the Finland vodka, or the Ashcroft trip coming up.. Or the thoughts of your mother passing, and how you called me at work.. how I couldn't help you, how I couldn't be there when you needed me most, and you turned to Makayla. (The fact that memory crushes me every time I think of it..)
Maybe it's no reason at all.. And I just miss you. Cause I really do miss you.
But I'd like to see your doctorate. Please Tell Me How Are You Qualified To Treat People?
I went to the doctors finally for my joint issues, as they have been extremely terrible lately. I sat down, told her what the matter was, and she told me.. My blood work was normal, all my tests were fine. I blankly stared back and asked, well, whats wrong with me.
She Told Me, She Didn't Know.
Sent me away with a months worth of super Aleve and told me to come back if that doesn't help.
And so I thought I’d let you know That these things take forever I especially am slow But I realize that I need you And I wondered if I could come home
Some days, just some, you can't help as much as you really wish you could. And that, that makes you human, that makes you feel weak and helpless, and raw. I'm not sure if it's just me, but that's something I'd take on for love, no matter how heavy.
And I'm pretty sure listening to Bright Eyes is only counter productive.
I think every once and while a good hardy shake is required, only to truly see how far you've come.
Jason is right, I've made leaps and bounds from where I've come and that is something to be proud of. A slip now and then is to be expected.
I've made progress with eating, exercising, social situations, and over all confidence. That's something to be proud of, as no change is over night and takes work.
I really am in a good place, and I'm working every day to better myself and my life. With Jason in my life, I don't think I would have ever made it this far, I owe so much to him. He really is my everything, and no amount of "I love you"s could ever cover it.
I always forget just how much I miss naya, but that first moments of seeing her, it all rushes back. I hope we will be friends forever. As how ever long forever may be, but I will always cherish our time together.
My scooter died, so I've been biking to work the last few days. Sure I've got to wake up a little earlier, but it's nice getting that extra exercise in. I've even inquire about a personal trainer at my gym. It's a doable price, so maybe once a week for an hour.
I've been going back in my shell lately, been avoiding seeing people and been awfully aggravated with close to everyone and everything lately. Even my customers are telling me that I'm a little short on energy, a little dull.
I've been eating pot cookies as of late. It's the only thing that has helped my joint pain. I'm scared to go in to to the doctors.. Scared to hear she can't help me, that she can't find anything wrong.
I'd stand up, stare her right in the eye, and calmly tell her western medicine can no longer help me.
I think the trans girl really likes me.. And I don't want to hurt her.. But I don't like her back.
It's sweet and all, I've never had attention like that from a girl, but I don't feel it back.
Does that mean I only feel lust for girls?
We watched 'but I'm a cheer leader' and I felt a tightening in my chest, a longing for that feeling and connection that the main characters felt. That freedom of self, that complete content within.
I'm not sure what I'm doing, I know I'm taking the lead, but I feel as if I'm on auto pilot. Too busy all the time, but when I'm not busy, I'm making excuses to avoid people.
Got a job offer, if all goes well I won't be at chevron any more. And it looks like I was right, I won't be going to school. That really makes me sad, ill be disappointing a lot of people that are rooting for me..
As for the open relationship, it's closed again. But I can stop thinking about girls.. and how I so badly want to fool around with them, but I know I shouldn't. I was the one that closed it again I can't open it again like this, I don't wanna toy with this situation , it wouldn't be right. So tempted to just dress up and go to the club and just flirt, I just want some female attention, want to be hit on from hot girls that I'd never ever have to nerve to chase.
For the whole month of math I went once or twice to the gym.. I know sad.
But so far I've been a good little girl, purging on command and running my little legs off.
I've started zanthrax 3 and a fruit based diet with protein whey powder to supplement. I haven't stuck with it very well, cause I missed my period last month so I let myself gain.. Bad move. I hit 121 again and couldn't stand it. Let my period disappear I much prefer it that way! 116 now, in a week.
I am much stronger now though, and much leaner, so I know most will be muscle. Ill find out my numbers and post later, but the scale is going down and so is my waist.
On a sad note.. My I've weight male coworker got into his head that fasting is the only way to save himself. He won't eat for 24hours at a time (twice a week he says.. But I saw it three times in a row..) I'm scared cause I can see his desperation, I can see his pain. And I want to help him with my well of knowledge, but at the same time I wanna see him suffer, just till he breaks. Th. pick up the shards and ask "oh fasting didn't work? I wonder why. Now will you let me help you?"
I went on my first date, with a girl. We went on another.. And went a little further then planned. Sure it was vodka fuelled, but it was hot and rough, just like I like it.
In the middle of the night we awoke, half hung over, and did it again. Then in he morning, sober and cuddling, we did it again.
I was covered in hickeys and bruises for a week after. I won't ever forget my first time with a girl. Not ever.
Regardless of venom filled words that were spat at each other at every parting.. I miss him.
And that always brings me back..
There will forever be a large part of my heart that will be his, and will never forget the times we shared. Nor do I want to forget, as we shared something special. I still wear his t-shirt, and hold his note from time to time. Maybe some day things will work out like we planned long ago. But until then, we have our lives to explore and ourselves to discover.
I'm still tapering down and off of my meds, and I can slowly see my old habits and ways of acting coming back. I don't like how I use to be. I don't like it one bit, and I really don't want to go through that all again. But here it is, and Jason is being subject to it, "it" as in, crazy little me.
Maybe I'm better off on meds..?
Maybe I'm better off dead.
I'm doing better sure, but better is just coasting along. I'm still avoiding calling up BCIT and I'm still with out my graduation. I'm wasting my life. It's not.. I'm not.. worth taking up space.
I'd like to take this time, to write a little something, to Muffin.
My dearest, Muffin.
As I sat outside my suite, listening to the rain and meditating, I realized something, I'm in an alright place right now in life.
I've got a place that is mine, a sweet little pet, a few very close friends, a job that gets me by, and someone that truly gets me. That's you.
And you've really helped me get to this mind state, you gave me that little push and the guidance that I needed.
Not just with my apartment, but with my self discovery as well. I'm happy, for real, I'm smiling and I'm happy. I'm getting off my medication, making moves for schooling, and (I'm sure your tired of hearing about my eating issues) but you've helped me with them as well.
Not that you've gone outta your way to really do any of this, but just by being you, and in that, understanding my struggles on a level that I've really needed for a while. Your able to give me space when needed or to push my comfort zone just enough, with doing so I'm discovering who I am, and really, who I'm capable of becoming.
But again, you do these thing, because we are so alike, you know just how far to push, and when space is really required.
I've known you for just a short time period, but in that span, you've done more for me then I ever thought possible.
Your helping little Alice find her true self. And along the way, has found love as well.
So thank you, again and again, thank you.
Much love, and forever yours,
Little cupcake
Xoxo
I'm doing a lot better today, I realize now my last post was careless and has scared a few people.. I'm really sorry about that.
With the tappering off of my meds I'm really all over the place. I'm über hungry and lonely feeling as well.. (111.4..) but ill make it. My goal right now is 103.5 as then ill be classified under weight. Maybe I'll be happy then.
Asia has been super great lately, I always knew she was amazing, but as of late we have gotten super close and its really what I need. Together we are super awesome and have hit our goals thus far! We are back to being pen pals as well! Hehe it's nice having another friend, some one that's there and really gets it.
I'm heading to see a show tonight with Jason, going to see Emilie autumn, it's gonna be another Rio date night.. It's gonna be so great!
Cocaine and diet pills, light as a feather graceful like a ballerina.
Days are blurring together, 110.4, but I'll do better one day, 110.4, sooner or later I'll hit bottom, right?
I know I should be busy doing something, something that will get me further along with my life, with my goals. But all I can think about, 110.4, is something that is taking over my life, 110.4, but I'll hit bottom sooner or later, right?
I really have to take control.
I have things I need to man up and get done.
I am the only one that can do them, no one else.
For now, I'll listen to match box twenty and stare at my feet, finish my cigarette and try to sleep.
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will I shake this off, will I be okay?
I hate what this "disorder" does to me, and my social interactions. Leaves me cold and alone at this bus stop. Leaves me unable to just say, "oh this tummy ache? No reason to worry, self inflicted, diet pills. That's all." leaves me at 112 and so alone. Sure I can talk to him about everything, but it's never the same talking about things that are currently going on, then it's a fresh wound, not like old ones I've already dissected and figured out myself.
Dear maria, count me in. There's a story at the bottom of this bottle, and I'm the pen.
Let's see how far I can fall this time. Let's see how far I can stretch and bend to feed this. How many lies will it take this time. I'm scared to count, but too curious to stop.
Hard to explain this drive. It's been too long since I've felt it this strong. Too long, and that scares me as well.
That photo? It's an old navy size two.
I'm a size one at urban planet.
I'm a size zero at old navy.
I'm a size zero?
Let's push it further.
Let's play with fire shall we?
