Petunia Almost Died.

Petunia almost died today, I left her all night with the heater off.. I got home and she was barely breathing.. I cried so so hard as I scrambled to warm her.. Stupid hedgehog and my complete love for you.. Took a little while, but after a bit she started making sounds again, started to move and furrow her brow. I never realized how much I loved her till this careless mistake took her away. Couldn't sleep much last night, kept waking up to listen for her sounds, just to make sure she's still breathing. bleh, Christmas was emotionally taxing this year.

Life goes, Alittle Something Like So,

I'm not sure anymore what this post was about..

at 114.0

still hate myself..

dyed mah hur red..

Still Hate My Self.

Still "with" yannic..

 I feel sick..

Hey Jerk Off

Go Piss On Someone Else Parade!

(Regarding my last posts' comment)

I just can't phathom why people intend to be so cruel sometimes. Or why others hide and won't reach out from behind their protective screens and even attempt to understand anothers position. 

You need help, and I'm not the one that can help you.

So don't bring me down when shit starts turning around for me. 

So go fuck yourself.

 I hope you the best, but don't even think about any of your comments sticking around. 

What am I doing..?

I really can't say, as I'm not quite certain myself you see.

I'm torn right now, as what I feel for him, that crazy head over work boots feeling, I'm scared that it's all just to tear me away from where I am. But is it feelings that tear me away, or wanting a-new, that these feelings have formed.


Okay, I'm talking myself into a corner..What I know to be true is, I know how I feel for him, I know that I'm in love with him, And If I Love Him, I Can't Possibly Love The Other.. Right? Right.

And I really have lost that spark with yannic. Its gone, and we aren't apart, but even sitting across from the table with him we feel like different people.

[Post Title.]

Lets Divide The Twilight Between Us.


My new room is lonely. My new bed is too big.

This Time Tomorrow -

I'll be on a plane. Leaving from bellingham - WA, to Hawaii.
I'll be there all weekend.
I'll be there with yannic.

Now, this can go two ways. On one hand, we can have a great time, something resparks.. OR we fight, the whole time. Just like I think we will. I told him I really didn't want to go anymore. I told him, I would really, really, rather not. But it's too late, and I'll just have to try and enjoy the trip.


I've been in my new place for five days, four nights. And I really do love it. It's a tad cold, as are most old character homes, but with Jasons' space heater, Petunia and I will be snug. I really enjoy going home, to my own space, to my own room, in my own basement suite. I really do feel like I'm starting to grow up, as sad as that sound, but I like it.

Oh, for some good new! Remember, way back, when I posted my scale photo, 114.4, I'm maintaining, around there (117 after a day of eating and the gym.) So I'm super excited! I think Jason was right, things are starting to turn around.

That is, Until Things Relationship Wise, end.

Little Invisible She...

Is finally growing up.

I want to make this a clear post, addressing some of the people dearest to me, that I have been worrying  as of late, with my last few posts.

Even though the urge to end this all is strong, and at times so over whelming, I have to stay on pushing. I promised. I talk of plans and thoughts that run though my mind.. And these things are just pills put aside, and thoughts in the back of my mind. Again, I promised. I really don't mean to worry any one with my posts, my blog is a place I come to vent out these crazy thoughts, and thoughts are all they are. I'm not sure what else I can say that will reassure you of anything.

But I do hope this helps.

To Be Honest..

I don't even like Guinness,

But It's My Preferred Beer, Cause I Miss You, More Often Then You Think.

It's better to die and sleep Then never wake and sleep

Then linger on and dare to live
When the soul's life is gone

I've been away, I know I said I'd post more.. But So Much Has Been Going On.. Constantly fighting with yannic.. seems every little thing sets it off. I've got four-ish days to finish packing and get out of here.. Oh wait, I haven't found a place yet. I had a mental break down the other day at the gym.. Sat in the shower and cried for a good hour or so. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I don't know why I even pretend anymore, people look at me, like I've got shit figured out, like I'm the one that is strong enough to hold everything, but like nothing could ever be wrong with me, I'm too happy. I've been sleeping alone the last few night, yannic out drinking late, found him pasted out sitting up on the couch as I left for work the other day. What am I doing to him..? How can I even smile anymore.. In his arms I find that happiness, but I don't deserve it. I'm so glad I've helped him find these feelings, and that I am able to help take some of the weight off his shoulders, I just care, I just want him to know he is worth this love, these feelings, but I warned him. 

I said, don't fall for me big boy, I'm no good.

But I won't be around much longer. I've saved enough pills to take down a large drunk, so even half will do me in. I'm shaking just thinking about it. When ever I drive home from work, in the middle of traffic, I think, just how easy it could be to swerve, just a little to the left, just a little jerk of my handle bars, just close my eyes, just hold my breath. It could end that easily. I could just give in, and that plan looks better and better every day. 

I haven't cut yet, but I've been purging, I've been skipping meals, I've been over working out. I've been skipping my meds. I've been lying through my teeth. If I console him, If I Make Sure He Is Okay, I can disappear and it won't hurt that bad. I should disappear, I Wish I Could Disappear.

You've been running around for so long

You've been hurting yourself too much

You keep messing around with darkness

You're the one who's losing

You've been running around for so long

You've been hurting yourself too much

You keep messing around with darkness

You're the one who's losing

Peas and carrots

Just Like So.

Rolled my first joint, did it up right, yo!
Vodka and cans of veggies.

I gained weight. I hate myself. I don't deserve his love. I don't deserve life.

HARD cranberry lemonade

And its awful bitter aftertaste.
It makes me shutter, like so.

What am I doing.

What The Hell, Am I Doing?

Just.. So confused. I thought I needed the mushroom weekend, am I was so right. But it mixed even more in to the pot of confusing overwhelming emotions.. Woohoo, Sure Am Good At That, Eh? It will go from this, love and happiness filled setting, where even the hugs felt like nothing before. To this knot in my tummy thinking about being at home, falling asleep next to him. I wish it was so much easier. But that's not how life works. But I'm glad I met him. So, so glad I met him.. I can feel the difference in the hugs, and the holding, the smiles, the feels. Oh, the feels.

But. I'll find another place. My things are for the most part packed.

  And well. Feels like a huge elephant in the room. One covered in ring worm. 

114.4

Yeah, you read that right.

I've lost 41.1 pounds. 

16.8 to go...

Fan-fuckn-tastic.

binged. took four diet pills. tried to contact the school. failed. fought with yannic. blacked out running. purged  stomach acid. almost blacked out on the drive home. want to cut. want drugs. going to the liquor store soon.

I hate myself.

115.2

I'm freaking out. 

I shouldn't of had pizza. I shouldn't have let him convince me it was okay. I should have purged the second I got home, right after the fight. I've binged on the chocolates I bought yesterday.. I want to purge so badly.. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be okay that I've had a hand full of chocolates?.. Why can't I be okay that even though I had rice and pizza yesterday, I still lost weight.. I can't get my head around it. I need to be empty, I need to be empty..

Show us your story...

Manga, and Pizza

Best evenings, shared with best friends.

I need a new place.. I'm too stressed right now to even put my thoughts in order to write a good blog post.. I'm sorry.. I need drugs.. and vodka.. and a good nights rest. There is too much on my shoulders right now.. I know I can share the load with my friend, but still.. sometimes the load needs to be bared by that person, and they need to feel the pain of its weight. 

On the bright side, I'm at 115.4, fingers crossed I'm under 115 tomorrow. Lowest weight in almost a year. 

Not good enough. But then again.. Nothing I do ever is.

Poems

Ones that are about you, ones I write to sort out my thoughts,
Cause thoughts of you, are just, just too much.


He told me about his dream last night, they were like my day dreams, only not very PG 13.
We aren't very good at staying behind the grey line.

Does that mean something..?

Scoot-Scoot-SCOOTER

We fought.



I need to find another place. Now.



I've been coke free for three days, if it matters. It doesn't, but there it is.

Found this last night

"Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before."

I'm so confused.

To be honest,

I can't handle this right now..

If my blades weren't covered in coke I'd be.. well, regretful.. but that's not the point.

I'm moving out.

I snapped over text and just let yannic know how annoyed I am with him, that I need to move out, that I can't stay here. I realized, I'm not in love with him anymore. I can't be here. Not to just make him happy, my happiness matters to.. doesn't it?

Bag of chips in...

Bag of chips out. Easy as pie. mmm pie.

I'm not dead yet.

But then again, it is bound to happen, sooner or later.

I worked a twelve and a half hour shift yesterday, yeah, I love chevron just that much. I fainted/blacked out on the treadmill, I couldn't finish my run. I feel like I'm worthless.

While on my shift, muffin came to visit, made a few comments about my coworkers body after he left, I dunno, but I was really jealous. I started thinking more about it, and I realized I felt this way when Liz came to visit Chris. She took all his attention, I just formed a friendship type bond, and bam, spending my days alone. Just wasn't fair. And I dunno, I,  after he brought up this dating site thing, I've been worried that I'd lose my friend. I mean, don't get me wrong, of course I want him to find someone, be it a fling or whatever he needs to be happy. I just don't want to lose my friend. I'm not sure if that's selfish or not..

I didn't want to talk about it -

- And I Still Would Rather Not..

Things were said back and forth today, he was trying to tell me the way I'm going about weight loss is all wrong; I won't loose fat with eating little and workout like crazy, starvation mode, etc etc. I flipped shit.

Its like a slap to the face.

It's like being told that the one thing that consumes your thoughts, and becomes a life obsession, you know nothing about. I know what I'm doing to my body, I know the side effects of purging, and constant use of diet pills and Durex will do. I'm educated on what is killing, on how I'm killing myself.

I can educate circles around you on nutrition and phycology.

Just because my actions appear idiotic, doesn't mean anything.. I wasn't sure if I was angry, frustrated or upset. But I was on the change room floor shaking, about to burst into tears. I didn't know what else to say to him. I still don't. I know he isn't aware of what I know and what is going on, or that he completely understands it. But I mean really.. Give me a break, our first conversation was about nutrion, I even rattled off the info of the juice I was making.. My brain doesn't stop...

Things that go though my mind...

And Up My Nose.


PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS:
Varies with dose and the tolerance of the user. Increases alertness, wakefulness, elevates the mood, mild to high degree of euphoria, increases athletic performance, decreases fatigue, clearer thinking, increases concentration, increases energy, increased irritability, insomnia, restlessness. With high doses may exhibit a pattern of psychosis with confused and disorganized behavior, irritability, fear, paranoia, hallucinations, may become extremely antisocial and aggressive.

PHYSICAL EFFECTS:
Inceases heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and sweating. Increases speed of respiration, dilates the pupils, decreased sleep and appetite. Can decrease seizure threshold and is associated with seizures, strokes, and heart attacks in susceptible individuals.


Quote from Jackson Browne:

"When you do a line of coke, you feel like a new stallion. The only problem is the new stallion wants one, too."

After A Two Day Binge

Being Sober At Work, Was Terrible.

[Will finish post later..]

Truth:

"Whats In Your Purse Right Now?"

*dumps contents on floor..*
 Vodka, mushrooms, coke, note book, lipstick, pens, diet pills, laxatives,  cards, and coins... eyup.

To be honest, again.

B.S. Words are just words.

"Destiny", and "fate" were tossed about, along with lies you told so effortlessly, " I promise" and "love". But that's not really the point, is it?

Your the beast to my fairy tales, the dark that haunts my day dreams.
You'll be the end of me.

You've taken my heart, and left it in days of summer past.
Why do you scare me so?

Simply Put.

Outta the blue, You Crossed My Mind..
And, The thought of you terrifies me.

I was searching my blog, for posts about you, but none of them could put into words the fear that your name has dug into me. I know I've handled the burden of you before, but if I had to face another round, I'd die.

And not metaphorically.



Why does your memory haunt me.

The weight your memory has on me, it's crushing.

Sure this is just the start of my life, and everything changes.
But your one thing I just can't shake.


Then again, our good byes were never really good byes, Just See You Later.


Then again, Our Good Byes, they never 
really
ended.


but one of us has to go first, why not me. 
I'm worthless anyways, you said so yourself.

Truth Or Dare...

I've got more then a few messages from readers, asking questions, asking a many things.
So I've turned it in to a game of truth or dare. I've capped it at ten, for now at least.

Round One.

Truth Or Dare: Truth.
"You said you've stopped with the drugs and liquor . But your resent post say other wise.. Have you done anything today...? When was the last time you were sober..?"

Yeah.. I know I've said that I was done.. I've been high most of the day, and well.. Most of this week. I don't want to think about sober. I don't want to think about it.

Last Train Home.

For some I figured it would the best idea to go, in the middle night, in the pouring rain, to down town. 

I think it was the drugs. Or the vodka. Or the arguing. 

Missed the last train by a few minutes, and walked most of the way back.. bleh.

I promised muffin I'd take a moment to talk with yannic.. The moment when we got home and a hug commenced..  right for the neck, right to asking when I'd be coming to bed. I asked "for cuddles" .. his reply "Naked cuddles" Eyup. bleh. silly muffin.. If I didn't care tons about him I wouldn't even bother, but I wouldn't think of breaking a promise, so I'll talk to yannic tomorrow.. It's just too much right now, I'll all tweaking out, my thoughts won't slow down, I'm too caught up with where this relationship is heading.. The dumps..

Breath, deeply and completely

In, then out. Feel the breath, accept the then, and now.

Drink, Drank, New Scooter?

Now then, I'm sure I've brought up that I'm tappering off of the effoxor, and well, I was down to the lowest dose, once a day. I was ment to start an "every other day"  sorta thing.. But.. The doctor gave me six pills, you read right, six pills, for the next four weeks. One on tuesday, friday, tuesday, friday, tuesday, tuesday. Yeah. Then I'm done. done.

I flipped out.

I called yannic 26 times without and answer, I called jason, crying hysterically in front on the shoppers, barely making fully formed setesces.. I was a mess. I calmed down, but even after that crying, and after a little meditation, I was still heavy with worry.

As I was getting outta yannic truck, he gave me a set of keys. A set of keys belonging to my new scooter. Happy early christmas he says. I'm covered in hot tears, stilling sniffling. Not the best time. NOT THE BEST TIME! ugh.. 

But, today really wasn't that bad. Sure I had a few mean customers, but I was busy studying, and had a friend to talk to if it all became too much. 

I even got to ride the scooter! It got all sunny out, and I got it up to 55 :-D yeah, I'm stoked! I gave it a wash, and well, It's mine come paper signing monday. Ah, it's awesome. 

Oh, and I opened the drugs I found a while back. I'm high. I missed it. I'm a terrible person. I know. Let me enjoy it while I can.

BUMBLEsweet.

JUSTlike: so.

OKAY, things talked out, and it's all PG 13 now. 

I've fallen into the blue again, I can't even lift myself off the floor. Only motivation is more to drink.  It makes me sad knowing when left alone, this is what becomes of me. Is it the medication? Or am I too far gone for the saving..? I cut last night. There, I said it.. Felt so good.. I wanted more. I still do. I want to hide, and never leave this blue hole.

Beer. Beer. BEER.

Beer.

Ideas that come with free thought from beer.

Beer.. More beer. Need beer to think these thoughts with out guilt.




You make me think guilty thoughts.
They make me blush.

Mmm bop

What are we doing... ?




Are you leading me on? Or am I the one leading...
Is this meaningless flirting?
Friends with benifits..
Is it just time to kill until you move?



Not even sure what I see it as..


I don't want to loose our friendship...


Not sure I want to look into it.. Don't want to ruin anything with silly questions.. I don't want to think about it, but I might not be the only girl you've fooled around with like this.. But your not that kind of guy, you really arent. That's why every touch worries me, why the butterflies make me scared. I'll miss you when your gone..

Tightly wrapped around your finger, you havent any idea.. Then again, neither do I.

Sleepless nights for the early risers.

You have no idea, no idea how wrapped around your finger Iam.

You told me what your penny fountain wish was, would you like to know mine?

I wished that every person I loved, every person I cared deeply about, would find happiness. It's a simple wish, but it's a wish from the heart. I want my friends to be happy, I want you to be happy.


Do anything to just see that smile.

As The Story Goes

History Often Repeats Its' Self.

And this time, feels no different..


I couldn't look you in the eyes as you cried, nor when we left the docks, and even when I told you to let me finish the trek home, alone. I can't bare the weight of causing you pain, of making you cry. I'm not that sick. I'm stronger then I appear to be. Honest. If knowing me this well, if being this close, causing you such heart ache.. Maybe it's best for me to go. Maybe it's best.

This time 'round, feels completely backwards. I'm the person that helps everyone, the one that puts all my issues aside to do anything for my friends. I've never had it reversed before. It scares me.

I'm not worth your tears, or heart ache.
I'm not worth your trouble, I can't be fixed.

I'm not worth being fixed.

Let The Record Show...

September 22nd, 124.6 lbs, BMI 22.8
    October 22nd, 115.9 lbs, BMI 21.2

Total loss: Sanity.

Payment Method?

Just going to come out and say it. 
I purged. 





...

No,I am not proud. But it felt so good. I really can't say what brought this on, but I can say for sure that last night was one long night. I craved my blade more then ever last night, and I tossed and turned for hours because of it. I simply itched to slide it across my hip bone like so many times before. Just enough to see the blood bead up and dip. Just enough to feel that release. Just enough so I can hide it, and as with all my others, let it heal so no one would know. I still want it. I am digging my nails in to my palms to clam myself down, but my heart is racing. I'm not sure this is the Alice that Jason signed up for. I'm not sure he'd like me this way, when my medication makes me crazy, when my hips are cut to shreds, my throat raw and acid is the only thing in my stomach. This is the Alice that haunted me for the past few years. This is the Alice I'm trying to run from. She's come to say hello it seems, come to scare away my new friend. 

Just when I thought I could feel happy and safe in some ones arms, She will make him turn around and run from me.

Reading the old, rethinking the past.

Blog posts from years ago, are nothing but simply pathetic..

After Jason said he read my whole blog, I figured a good once over would be refreshing, sadly it was just a downer. I was so strung up on love, and pleasing everyone. Thinking "I've come so far" was really a far fetched idea.. Every post was about love lost, and love misunderstood, but really I was just an angsty teenager with a little too much freedom. I never sat down to really type out what was going out at the start, just little tid bits here and there that never really drew the picture of life back then, not a very pretty picture mind you, but one that I wanted to get out, hence the blog.

Way back when this blog started, I was living with my step sister/brother Khrys, she really ment the world to me, and swore we would make it through, together. When she came home from a concert one night after being gone a weekend, I was caught mid binge/purge session and had to push her away, I couldn't explain what was happening. We went our separate ways. She has a baby and a husband now. We don't talk any more. I constantly blame myself for our parting, she was really my only family.

As for all the talk of the doctors, I spilled my guts to three different ones out there in revvy, and well, one in abby as well. All of them shut me down and turned me away. I couldn't be sick as I claimed, I wasn't thin, I wasn't falling apart, they told me, I wasn't in need of help, they told me I was lying to them. I haven't sought any help since. Lauren brought me to a ministry of health lady, after one visit, I never went back.

Lloyd had me believe he killed himself, then to only return to my life and tear me down again and again. Steven had returned to my life once more as well, he can suck my mediforical balls however. Every time he asks for my forgiveness and then leaves again. I will never forgive him, the things he said to me were harsh and his truth that he held back from some time, it was venom.

-AS FOR THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE-

I haven't cut for about a month, I haven't drank for about just as long. I really see my life leaps and bounds from where I started, even though hardly anything has changed. As for high school, well the resent posts cover that. I haven't purged yet this week, but I'm using diet pills still, daily. I don't binge anymore, well not like I use to.

I don't hate myself, I dislike the person I am at times, but I've come along way. 

[Hey smile! No, really smile..]

Cause your smile is simply dashing.

After a few hours of walking around Stanley park, he says it;

"I read your blog."

To be honest, my heart raced, couldn't breath for a moment, maybe more.

"You did..? All of it?"

I asked, but didn't really want an answer.

"Ya, all of it."

*Deep Breath* "What did you think..?"

"Honestly."

*Holds Breath* "Ya, honestly.."

"It made me cry. Just knowing you on this personal level, and then reading this, other side of you. It hit me pretty hard. You have this great way of writing.."

Of all the things he could have said, of all the out comes to this situation, I really didn't expect this one.

I was so tempted to stop writing, to be honest, to stop my entries in this blog. You've all seen the large time gaps of my absence. But I've realized, as mush as I'd like to get pass this stage in my life, I'm not quite done here. I really have much more to learn, and even more to learn about myself. When the time comes, I'll know it. But that's far from now. Until then, I have my writing and art, my aspirations and dreams, and always my adventures with friends, great friends.

Free Drugs, Free Hugs.

Not sure whats going on, but I want to move out, on my own. Have my space. Have some space. Be more then an arms reach away. Be alone once and a while. 

I have this strained feeling with my relationship  I have for a while now. I'd like to say we argue often, but we don't because I'd snap at him, and he would say sorry and that would be the end of it. Oddly enough, that makes me more frustrated. Why can't I stir anything in him, I'd rather he snapped back, I'd rather he raised his voice and let something out. Something besides an apology.

Sure, we don't fight per say. But we don't make love often any more or at all. I dunno, it's like routine foreplay, and I've gotta fake it. If I don't it keeps going.. I just want it to stop, or not happen at all. Is it wrong for me to feel tied down like this, for me to feel roped in to him and no choice but to stay here.

I'm far too young to act mature, I was forced to grow up early and now I want to play. I know how that makes me sound.. But don't get me wrong! I'm not going to be doing anything stupid  I've got bills to pay, and a job to go to, even a gym membership. I'm an adult and I act like it when it's nessary. But, I crave laying in the park, getting grass stains, and being up all night with a friend.

He isn't on the same level, I'm not sure the same ball park. He says he'll "play" with me, but he won't, he doesn't, he is too old for me, there isn't the connect anymore.. 

It feels one sided..

I just want love. Why isn't it that easy?

It's been too long, but then again, it always ends up like this, doesn't it?

This time 'round it's a little different at least, I've made a friend! Sure he "stalked" me at work, hehe, but we haven't know each other very long and it feels like we were friends for such a long time. It really is grand knowing I won't be locked in my head always. 

We've really opened up to one another, sharing things no one else really knows. I shared my note book with him, I felt raw and open then silly, because there really isn't anything in there, that I logically should be scared to share with anyone. I then realized I needed to share my blog. 

These are the things I hid from my note book. These are the things I've never shown anyone, except those who've stumbled upon it by them selves. This is where I should feel raw and ashamed, this is what he should see. 

The real Alice is here, behind these photos, behind these words. 

And I'm not sure he'll like what he sees.

Except for ponies, everyone likes ponies.

Subtitled Movies And Beer.

I'm going to miss Tyler, and well, that's the truth.

Besides being here when I get home from work, he is a comic relief from life over all. And I'd like to say a friend. One of my few friends, and I know it's for only for three months.. but it'll feel like a while.

I can only hope he'll come back.

Four lines in.

Feeling great. Gosh, I've missed coke.

Waited around like a dork from 4:10 till 5:30 and then FINALLY >< Ah blah.. I've got it, and man its great.

On another note.. I'm feeling better.. Hmm wonder if it's got anything to do with.. Hmm.. Nah..

Work wasn't too bad today, no crazy customers, food intake was alright, a tad too much, but all good. Gym when alright, always could stay longer, but man I needed my fix. 

I miss naya. There I said it.. She's my bestest friend, and well I miss her like mad.. I wish I could talk to her more often, or be there.. She really means alot to me, and it blows I can't be there more..

Off to do another line. Wish I could be skinny. Wish I could be more then this sad person I've turned into..

Bacon&Bacon&Ponies

Bacon Strips Makes Everything 20 Percent Better.

Went down to the States today, and well, a photograph speaks a thousand words. I'm a brony and damn well proud. My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, has made the darkest days so much more bearable.. And really is an inspirational show. Besides bringing me back to drawing, its brought me closer to my best friend, and made me really slow down and think hard about myself, and just what makes me special. 

Did a line or two of MDMA last night after a horrid trip to the "lake" .. Ho Hum.. Fought with Yannic, more like bickering mind you, but either way, we've never gotten that mad.. rather.. I've never freaked like that before. I know my medication isn't helping like it should, but I know it was the other drugs playing with me.. I couldn't get ahold of my coke yesterday, or today, and I really want some. Yannic's asked me to slow down on drinking, and I told him it's not the drinking.. and well.. he had more questions.. None I Was Willing To Answer Mind You.

A line and a bit of MDMA. I hate myself.

The urge to die was so overwhelming this morning and last night. Just as much as it will be tonight and well till it all end. 

Drink, Drank, High

Six, Five, Seven Lines? I've Lost Count. I'm Drunk. I hate Myself.


So... well.. I've spilled the beans to Yannic, and well, he took it pretty well. Either way. I'm high, and took all my Coke. No coke. Just beer. Need coke. No coke. I am alone. So alone. Help drunk Alice..


She's fall'n, knows better, but fell so long ago, and doesn't know much better.

Either way, there is pain killers and beer tomorrow. maybe drugs. always drugs.

nee drugs.

"Smile Smile Smile"

"Oh bother, seems I've come down with the worse case of 'long weekend fever' seems I'll have to take tomorrow off."

The bike is all done! I've painted it equestrian brown, and watermelon pink! Yeah, a basket, speedometer, a new seat, and to top it all off, pink tassells. It's a tad more then awesome :3

After a tad of a stressful evening, I went ahead and cut.. just a few scrapes mind you, but they sting and I more then deserve them.

I wish I had friends.

Two lines. More to come.

Derp-Derp-Derpy Hooves

I haven't been sober in a week or so. It's not enough. But then again, nothing ever is.

Since my last post, *deep inhale..* I've finished all my school work, got two new tattoo's, moved in to a house, destroyed two bikes, bought a new one, destroyed that with paint.. *whew* Yeah, I know I should be updating more.. but I really have been all over the place, never in a good way.. 

I've done four lines today.

Three yesterday. 

And two on Wednesday.

I can't handle all this. I'm not sure if drugs will make it better, but it can't be worse then how it is now. 

I know I'm all over the place because of my medication. But I'm snapping like crazy at Yannic, when he is being noting but helpful and calm with me. 

I don't know how to handle any of this. 

I don't want this medication. I don't even remember what it feels like with out it. 

Why am I going crazy? 

My life isn't so bad, it's going really well as of late in fact. 

Why can't I be happy?

Cutie Marks And Note Books

Tomorrow I'ma Drink Till I'm Sober.

My note book is gone, as in "I've torn apart my room, and it's no where to be found" gone.
No really.. I tore apart my room, ripped everything from it's place, and it's still missing.

I'm not quite sure you understand fully just how important this note book is to me..
I've had it for around ten years, give or take a season or two, and it holds everything dear to me.

Photographs, notes, poems, letters, drawings. Everything that could make me smile when I found it hard to leave my bed. (Before the medication that is.)

I know for a fact drunk Sara never touches it, and that I never take it out, with out putting it away.

And besides, it's a huge hunk of a note book.

At one point, It Looked Like This. 

Then I had to cut open the spine, and add a three inch cardboard chunk to make it fit more.
I dunno, I balled my eyes out looking for it, and well, Yannic came home early from work, the sweet guy, and helped me rip the room apart even more to look further.

I know I really freaked out when my blogger was hacked and I got locked out, but this is like a ten year old blog with more personal stuff.

On A Happier Note.. I'm Getting This Tattooed Tomorrow!

Center of my upper back, right between my shoulder blades, I do hope it will look great. I'm second guessing it 'bout now, but 'eh, what ever.

Mexico and Purging

Not too long ago, Yannic and I went to Mexico for a week. Purged almost every meal. 

Very Drunk. I Love Vodka.

We look happy though. And we are doing a lot better. I've cut off everything connection with Lloyd. And Giving My All To Yannic. I should have such a long time ago. I've been going to the gym, every day, every week, since I've joined. Okay, more like six days a week, and not when I went Mexico.

I've lost boob.. ness. I dunno, they went from a B to an A.. I'm not sure if thats a good thing? but I dunno.. It may have gone hand in hand with skipping my "time of the month" Last Month. It Was Terrifying. So Scary.

Still at 119.. 118 ish. Its BS. Completely BS!

I want to cut so bad.. Want to sleep, just sleep and be rested.

Bags, Under My Eyes.

Beer, Vodka, Memories, And Gym Shorts.

Its been too long. Far, far too long since my last post. I don't know what tore me away, and I haven't anymore a clue as to what draws me back. Maybe It's The Beer, Maybe It's The Med's. Maybe finally I'm cracking and I need to document my final days. I really can't say for certain, as I know just as much as you. I'm writing this out of thin air right now, sleep is calling, beer I'm sipping, med's are numbing.

One of each. Whats normality?

So many things need to be written down, and even more need to be completed. I'm only one girl, with the world behind me, my doctor drugging me, and my boyfriend supporting me. I'm more lost now then when I thought I knew everything. Where was I when the last post was written? When was I in better state of mind, I'm a hazard to myself. You'd understand if you could listen to the thoughts that pledge me. My dreams are no better. And my sleep is restless. I'll edit this when I'm sober. Or more drunk. I need vodka. I need a hug.

I need my prince. 

I've killed you. My heart is absent. (Similar to an out of body experience.)

What have you ever done but love me? And why does that deserve punishment?

Because I've Died Inside Far Long Ago, doesn't mean I should drag you down with me.

I need my prince.. Prince.. My love.

Is It Wrong,

To Wish For A Space Of My Own?

I've (like always) a long list of things to do, to get done. And I'm (as always) feeling overwhelmed.

For a quick update: Effexor is now twice the dose. I'm now living with Yannic at the club house. Working at another cheveron, on east hastings this time, woo. I'm sitting around 117 ish still, and feel like shit about it. Yannic snagged me an iPhone and fixed the broken screen. I Think I Need Friends. Had a nice valentines day at build a bear, made a fox. Just got over a cold. Smoking quite a bit as of late. Thinking more into the field of nutrition, then graphic design. but who knows eh. The clubhouse got a kitten, Mewnin. Oozes cuteness, btw.

Really looking into getting another place to call home. Somewhere cheap yeah, but somewhere other then here. Its a great place sure, but its no home. I'd like somewhere that I don't have to sleep with ear plugs in to get some rest. But ho hum, can't complain I guess.

Haven't been blogging much, really mean to, I guess.

Haven't been on PT much, really mean to.

Haven't worked out at all. Really should. Really really should.

Super Boob

Some line from American Dad.

I want to wear whats "hip" whats "pretty" and be beautiful. I want. I need. I can, never, be.

The Eating Attitudes Test (EAT-26)

You Can Take The Test Here.
This is what I scored..  Then again, no matter what I score, Doctors never even attempt to believe you.
At least the four I talked to didn't.

I asked for it

As I Always Tend To Do.

Went to the movies tonight with yannic, we saw beauty and the beast in 3D. The second I was alone I binged. I don`t know why I even thought for a second this was a good idea. And of all people, yannic to bring with me?!

To Be Honest, I miss him, and this is our movie. 

And I hate myself, I deserve the punishment and pain.

Taking Things In To My Own Hands.

One Diet At A Time.

Seems waiting around for other people to hold my hand isn't the way to go about things. I'm really not too sure people understand how important a meal plan is. Which is very, very important. *le sigh.*

So here I go, My meal plan - The Strawberry Diet
 Yeah I know.. Wrong way about it. I can't be bothered anymore.

118.2 Yesterday,

But I Can't Step On That Damn Scale Today.

The other night I went out to Abbotsford, Stayed with Mum. We Drank Smoked And Watched A Movie. I hate how disconnected I've become.Started my new job today, easy as pie. Feeling Like I've Just Ate A Whole Pie Though. I'm sure my intake is balanced out by the 9.5 hours of walking/standing/cleaning I've done today. But you know me, that's never quite enough is it? Nope. 

I've got a few days off till my 3-11's start up again, and I'll be on the search for a running path, I need to move. I need to stay active. More active then that damn kinect can do for me right now it seems. 

Ever since I was eight or nine

I've been standing on the shoreline

Always waiting 

For something lasting

Loose your hunger, you loose your way

Get confused and you fade away

Oh this town

Kills you when you are young

Oh this town

Kills you when you are young