Reading the old, rethinking the past.

Blog posts from years ago, are nothing but simply pathetic..

After Jason said he read my whole blog, I figured a good once over would be refreshing, sadly it was just a downer. I was so strung up on love, and pleasing everyone. Thinking "I've come so far" was really a far fetched idea.. Every post was about love lost, and love misunderstood, but really I was just an angsty teenager with a little too much freedom. I never sat down to really type out what was going out at the start, just little tid bits here and there that never really drew the picture of life back then, not a very pretty picture mind you, but one that I wanted to get out, hence the blog.

Way back when this blog started, I was living with my step sister/brother Khrys, she really ment the world to me, and swore we would make it through, together. When she came home from a concert one night after being gone a weekend, I was caught mid binge/purge session and had to push her away, I couldn't explain what was happening. We went our separate ways. She has a baby and a husband now. We don't talk any more. I constantly blame myself for our parting, she was really my only family.

As for all the talk of the doctors, I spilled my guts to three different ones out there in revvy, and well, one in abby as well. All of them shut me down and turned me away. I couldn't be sick as I claimed, I wasn't thin, I wasn't falling apart, they told me, I wasn't in need of help, they told me I was lying to them. I haven't sought any help since. Lauren brought me to a ministry of health lady, after one visit, I never went back.

Lloyd had me believe he killed himself, then to only return to my life and tear me down again and again. Steven had returned to my life once more as well, he can suck my mediforical balls however. Every time he asks for my forgiveness and then leaves again. I will never forgive him, the things he said to me were harsh and his truth that he held back from some time, it was venom.

-AS FOR THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE-

I haven't cut for about a month, I haven't drank for about just as long. I really see my life leaps and bounds from where I started, even though hardly anything has changed. As for high school, well the resent posts cover that. I haven't purged yet this week, but I'm using diet pills still, daily. I don't binge anymore, well not like I use to.

I don't hate myself, I dislike the person I am at times, but I've come along way.