It's better to die and sleep Then never wake and sleep

Then linger on and dare to live
When the soul's life is gone

I've been away, I know I said I'd post more.. But So Much Has Been Going On.. Constantly fighting with yannic.. seems every little thing sets it off. I've got four-ish days to finish packing and get out of here.. Oh wait, I haven't found a place yet. I had a mental break down the other day at the gym.. Sat in the shower and cried for a good hour or so. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I don't know why I even pretend anymore, people look at me, like I've got shit figured out, like I'm the one that is strong enough to hold everything, but like nothing could ever be wrong with me, I'm too happy. I've been sleeping alone the last few night, yannic out drinking late, found him pasted out sitting up on the couch as I left for work the other day. What am I doing to him..? How can I even smile anymore.. In his arms I find that happiness, but I don't deserve it. I'm so glad I've helped him find these feelings, and that I am able to help take some of the weight off his shoulders, I just care, I just want him to know he is worth this love, these feelings, but I warned him. 

I said, don't fall for me big boy, I'm no good.

But I won't be around much longer. I've saved enough pills to take down a large drunk, so even half will do me in. I'm shaking just thinking about it. When ever I drive home from work, in the middle of traffic, I think, just how easy it could be to swerve, just a little to the left, just a little jerk of my handle bars, just close my eyes, just hold my breath. It could end that easily. I could just give in, and that plan looks better and better every day. 

I haven't cut yet, but I've been purging, I've been skipping meals, I've been over working out. I've been skipping my meds. I've been lying through my teeth. If I console him, If I Make Sure He Is Okay, I can disappear and it won't hurt that bad. I should disappear, I Wish I Could Disappear.

You've been running around for so long

You've been hurting yourself too much

You keep messing around with darkness

You're the one who's losing

You've been running around for so long

You've been hurting yourself too much

You keep messing around with darkness

You're the one who's losing