Cause Frankly I'm Too Frazzled To Think One Up Right Now..
I'm Not Sure If You'll See This Or Not, Rather, If Either Of You Will See This. But, Thank You. It means alot to me that you both care enough to pass on a number of an ED therapist, Rather, That You Care Enough About Me To Even Bring It Up.. Now I know that makes it sound as if I doubted you both cared about me, I know you two cared, Its just so touching to know that friends whom I haven't seen/been in touch with In Forever, would step up and express such love and concern.
To Be Honest, I'm Not Sure I'm Ready To Take That Step. I'm not sure if I can go to this lady and really open myself like I have to other Doc's in the past. I swore to my self I wouldn't, only cause it made matters worse for me. But this isn't like times before. I know I wouldn't be heading in to recovery by myself, I know you all would be there for me. But, well.. I want to try it on my own for a while longer. I'm making steps in the right direction, Given They Are Small Steps, but steps forwards are better then steps back.
I know you both don't fully understand whats going on, nor you simply couldn't, only cause there is much more then what I'd be able to tell you, more then I'd be able to describe. Some things are simply with out words or description, unless you've lived through them. I could never be able to pick the right tone of anxiety I feel, if I don't know the calorie content, Or The Fear That Floods Through Every Vain When I See The Scale Reading Even .1 Higher Then The Night Before. I'd Never Find The Perfect Verb To Truthfully Tell You The Amount Of Self Hate I Inflict Upon Myself If I Slip Even 100 Over My Limit. Some things, like the high from staying under 500 for a week, is with out description. I Know I've Got A Problem.
I'm working on it to the best of my abilities at the moment.. Its Like Smoking, You Can't Quit Completely Right Away, No Matter How Badly I Wish I Could. Every morsel I count. Ever moment of every day, numbers are going through my head. adding, dividing, subtracting and multiplying, over and over.
I Only Want To Love Who I Am. No matter how simple that sounds, You'd Never Understand How Much One Person Can Struggle Daily With That Task.
I'll call her. But .. I just don't think I'm that far gone.. I'm not sick enough to seek help, There Are So Many Others That Need Her Help Much More Then Me.
Hey goofy friend,
ReplyDeleteI did see this. I do care about you.
I'm glad you're taking baby steps.
I know it's a struggle.
We're both here for you 100%.
We both love you, a lot. <3
Even though we've barely kept in touch.
I do hope you'll go through with calling her.
I know other doctors have been terrible, horrendous bastards who seem to care more about getting a good laugh out of someone's pain then actually trying to help.
Just know that even if you don't think you are that 'far gone', being sick, is sick enough.
There are many others.
She also told us that even though there are a steady number of people, there always manages to be room from people leaving and new people coming.
Colleen and I support you 100%.
Don't be afraid to speak up.
I enjoy seeing the "tid-bits" from your other friends blog.
Love you lots.
Long post was long......
lauren <3 <3 <2 <1 <0