Little Invisible Mx: 11/01/2010

11/30/10

Socktipus.

I Should Know Better.

And I Should Really Start To Listen To The Good Advice I Give My Self.

Food For Thought.

"What Comes Around, Will Come Around."

This Applies To Both Good And Bad.

There Is Alot Going On As Of Late, but it seems, I'd rather push away the then over think any of it. I know that I've got schooling to think about, And Its Getting Done, slow but sure. And I'm Not Stressing Over It Anymore. Then there is job hunting, I mean, sure I've got a job, Of Which I Hate, and end up battered and bruised. I want to find one out in Burnaby. I know I said I'd move in with naya, but I'm not sure about that anymore.. I want to help her get out of her house and all, but I was asked a few times to move in with yannic, well, its more so, "There Is Always Room At My Place, Your Welcome To Stay." .. so I'm not sure what that means.. I just don't think there would be room is all.. and I don't wanna live outta my duffel bag.. But aside from that, I think i'm doing okay. Things will get back on track, I've just gotta let them.

11/28/10

Day 20 :

- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Yannic, He Is My Best Friend, My Love, And Means The World To Me. He has helped me through many hard times I've had to face, and I've tried my best to do the same for him. There was a few times, in the past, when things looked dark for us, but now, we are stronger then ever. For a while, we had dated long distance, I was nine hours away, and could only see him once every month or two. It was hard being away for that long, and became even harder to say good by each time he had to return to school. Its been just under 16 months, and I never though I could feel this way about anyone, but, truth be told, I love him more and more every day. And the best part? I know he feels the same for me. As for what the future holds? I'm not too sure yet. But I Know That I'll Be Taking It On, His Hand In Mine.

Day 16 -

Another picture of yourself.

Yeah, I'm Cool Sh*t. I Know.

This Was Just A Quick Snap From A Few Months Ago, Perhaps 2? 3? Either Way.. I Miss My Lip Ring.. And My Bangs. My hair is growing out, as I'd like it to, just want my bangs back, it was a cute little indie fringe going on, and it suited me well.

Day 15 -

- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.

Hands Open - Snow Patrol

On Melancholy Hill - Gorillaz

L.G.F.U.A.D - Motion City Soundtrack

Spaceman - The Killers

99 Red Balloons - Gold Finger

Your Call - Secondhand Serenade

Code Monkey - Jonathan Coulton

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

Everything Is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack

Pinch Me - Barenaked Ladies

11/26/10

"Just So You Know..

This is what I keep telling my self..

There Are Other Options Out There.. There Are Other Ways To Go About This.. You Don't Have To Crave The Tater Tots In The Fridge. You Don't Have To Self Loath For Not Going For A Run, Or Have An Over Whelming Anxiety To Purge, Or Grocery Shop, Or Eat Muffins."

Marina And The Diamonds

- OBSESSIONS

We’ve got obsessions

I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week

We’ve got obsessions

You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.

This song was sent to me, a while back, from a friend. She said the one chorus about the supermarket, had reminded her of me. And its true. I'm terrified of crowed areas, so I do my best to avoid supermarkets and busy places like that. I get anxious and my heart races. I want to get what I came for and run. But, The Reason I'm Posting This Song Now, is it had come on my Itunes and I realised this fits my life when I was on my own as well. When my ED was at its peak, shopping for food was a horrid experience. Not only was my anxiety screaming at me, but being in the center of all that food was making my head spin. It felt like everyone just stopped to stare at me. Of course as I was thinking this it made me try and shop faster, So As I Frantically Checked Every Label On Every Can Of Soup, everyone did start to stare.. I was escorted out one occasion for they thought I was under the influence of some drug T_T ...

Brightened my day,

To Find The Sweetest Comment On My Pt Profile:

"Just wanted to say how i notice all your comments they are all so helpful to other people and just wanted to say your an amazing sweet person never loose that. Anyway hope you're well much love and take care" L x

11/25/10

Day 12 -

: A picture of someone you miss.

Big Brother, Little Sister.

I'll always miss Khrys, even when I get to see her, the moment I pass the 'Now Leaving Revelstoke' sign, I tear up. She's my big brother, my family. I love her to death. We are raw, no holding back, truthful. We know everything about the other, and can open up with out fear of judgment. We've been through so much, and will always have each other. I miss her, My Big Brother. We'll always have our plans for the best stay-cation.

Maxie

This Is Max. I Love Him, With My Heart And Soul. He is not only my cat, he is my friend, my guardian angel. And I miss him more then words can describe. It pains me to think how long I've been away from him. And That I've Left Him At My Fathers. Oh Hell.. Its taken me over twenty minutes to write this.. I have to stop to control tears every now and again.. I just..could never explain how much I miss him.. There is a hole In my heart.. A max shaped hole. And I just wish I knew he was okay.. that he was alive.. That he'll okay where he is.. Its selfish for me to want him here with me.. He must be happier there.. He is an out door cat there.. Free to scamper and explore.. Taking him away from that would be taking so much from him.. and I don't think I could do that.. No matter how much I miss him..I Just.. I Just Wish I Knew He Was Okay..

11/24/10

Day 11 -

- A picture of you and your family.

As sad as it may seem. I rifled through two totes worth of photos, spanning from my birth till about two years ago. And not one photo could I find that had my mother, father, and I. There were plenty that captured moments, during Christmas and my birthday, of me in the arms of people I've met perhaps only once, as a toddler. After searching for a few hours, and getting my mother on board, we came across the one photo I knew we had. And two others that came as a surprise to me. The first photo, Is That Of My Father, Mother And I. The classic 'new born happy family' photo shoot. The next, is of Darell and I, I was around two at the time. My mother sat me down today, told me the whole story. The white picket fence, and big brother that almost was.

11/23/10

Ep 1, Part 1.

Starved.

an FX Network television situation comedy that aired for one season of seven episodes in 2005. The series was about four friends who each suffer from eating disorders, who met at a "shame-based" support group called Belt Tighteners. Its characters included those with bulimia, anorexia, andbinge eating disorder. Eric Schaeffer created the show as well as writing, starring in and directing it, based upon his own struggle with eating disorders. In addition to his own life experiences, Schaeffer also drew upon the experiences of the other members of the principal cast, each of whom coincidentally had struggled with food issues of their own.

Starved was the lead-in of FX's hour-long "Other Side of Comedy" block with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.^[1] FX executives wanted to use the two series to begin building comedy programming and broaden the network's demographic. The series debuted on August 4, 2005 to poor critical reviews and was cancelled in October 2005, when FX picked Sunny over Starved for renewal.

Day 09

- Something you're proud of in the past few days.

I'm never really proud of what I do, rather, I never am able to acknowledge what I've done that is worth praise. Lately, I've been running around like a chicken with it's head removed. From work, to Revvy, then at yannic's, finally home, and then work again. All the while my mind is racing with numbers and anxiety of what the scale will scream at me tomorrow. But if I had to pick something, Something That Really Stood Out To Me, It'd Have To Be, Letting Go. To Just Breath, And Let It All Happen As It Is Happening. I know it wasn't really anything much, but it really was a step forward, When Yannic And I Went To Tim Horton's, I wanted the bagel, the one with berries, And A Hot Cocoa To Warm Me From The Cold. And I let my self, I let myself enjoy the chocolaty warmth, and the berry goodness. Even got strawberry cream cheese. I stopped when I was full, And Saved The Rest For Later. A month or so ago, I wasn't able to do that. I wasn't able to pick what I wanted and really enjoy what I was eating. But I Did. And That, That Little Moment, I Am Proud Of.

11/18/10

Day 07 :

- A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

This Post Took Me Awhile To Write. And I'm Sure I'll Add To Or Change The Whole Thing In Time. Cause Honestly I'm Not Sure What Has Had The Biggest Impact On Me.

I started thinking of all the people in my life, and how they have changed me, for the better and the worst. And I wanted to post a past boyfriend, and explain how he completely destroyed me. But I thought about it, and thats not whats the biggest impact has been. It was something that made me just work harder on what really impacted me.

I've always lived in the Shadow of those around me. I'm an only child so I've had no compation. But thats never stopped my family from comparing me to the success of my cousins. Lesley, The Perfect Dental Assist. "Why can't Sara just be smart like my daughter? Lesley never has any problems, Maybe Sara Just Isn't Smart?" Then there would be my disappointment cousins. Everyone has a few of these. The Drug Do'ers, The Nerdowell's. It was always "Well, At Least She's Not Hit Bottom Yet." I was always seen to be a future failure. Always just barely passing, just barely getting by. I was never fast enough, never tall enough, never smart or witty, or pretty enough. I was Sara. The Runt Of The Family. And would never amount to anything.

I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to shine. I wanted them to know I'm trying, I was always trying. "I know that I'm not perfect, but I keep trying." I was the one that was forgotten, No one called on birthdays, no one sent me a get well card. No one came to vist. I wasn't worth the trip. I wanted to simply be worth something to them. And For The Longest Time, I Simply Wanted To Be Worth Something To Someone. I know now that a handfull of people really care for me, and will always be there. That our friendship is strong and true. But Even Then, It Will Never Be The Feeling When I Finally Sucied At Something. When I'm finally worth something in my families eyes.

Day 07 - A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you. :

The Drive For Perfection. The Fire Of Worth.

11/17/10

Day 08 :

- Short term goals for this month and why.

Get More Homework Finished. A Few A Week Perhaps.

Get Time To See Yannic, More Often Me Going Out There.

Attend Yoga More Offten, Maybe A Cycleing Class Aswell.

Take and Edit More Photos, I Sure Miss My Rebel XS..

Do On Resiep A Week, Only If Homework Is Being Done.

Run? Or Bike Twice a Week. Gotta Keep Moving!

Hit 115 Again. I Hate Seeing 119 Staring Back At Me..

I've become very behind in my schooling after a 5 week break.. And really need to crack down and catch up. Work is really cutting back on my time with my schooling, and my time with yannic. I've seen him out here a few times a week, but I'd rather head out there to stay over more often, less of a trip for him, and I'm sure he'd perfer his bed to my futon. Yoga class was a twice a week thing, But my work shifts were switched to closing shifts, and that really put yoga on the back burner.. I've got a bike now so at least I'll get some excerise in. As for photos, I took my camera on an outting the other day, and realised how much I missed it, And the editing is always something I could just lose myself in. The baking was taking up time I should have been doing school work, and its making me break out.. so I'll cut back to onces a week, only if homework is done. The 115 is a wish right now. Cause I'm maintaining 119 right now. And I'd be more confident at 115.. Just saying.. I've been good at not binging untill last night, but I've been really working my hardest at retraining from purging. I've been good so far, even after a whole pizza.. But cross your fingers I can stick it out longer.

Time And Time Again

I'm All Too Unsure Of Myself. I always let the fear of new things daunt me. I've Just Gotta Try My Best. And, in the end, thats all I can do. There Will Always Be The Harder Days. But If I Learn From Them, I will only face the problem with a clear mind next time.

11/16/10

Have You

Ever Been Simply Overwhelmed With The Sensation You Could Burst And Break Down In Tears At Any Given Moment?

I Have. And No, Its Not As Fun As It Sounds.

It's been one of those nights, When Its Just One Thing After Another. And I'm not coming out on top. Half a pizza, A solo closing shift, Drunk mother, Fat sara. Schooling will never be done, Art school and Pastiry apprentiship will never happen. This Weekend I'll Drink Alittle Too Much, And It'll All Come Pouring Down My Fat Cheeks. I know it will. Always does. I know I'm letting it get too me alittle too much, but its hard to take. I've always got too many things to do and no time to do them. Then I Get Stressed. Then I Break Down. Then I try again, And It Ends Up The Same. I Just Want A Hug. Is That Too Much To Ask?

Long Road Home,

But Truth Be Told, All I Want To Do Is Dance. Put On 'Crocodile Rock' And Let Me Dance With Adam

11/15/10

Titty Bitty Second Tid Bitty

From Another Friends Blog I Follow. I've Copy Pasted A Part Of Her Blog, Where She Is Explaining Binge Eating/Secret Eating, Of Which I Still Currently Struggle With.

Basically it's like this: I didn't want to bother anyone. I didn't want my family to know I was hurting and needing and wanting. I didn't want to seem weak and needy. To this day I do not want to ask anyone for help, even when I so desperately need it. So I eat in secret. I hide food and eat alone so no one knows I'm hungry. And hungry became lonely and hurting and needing, but somewhere along the way, lonely and hurting and needing became hunger, and now when I feel these things, I need food to comfort myself because I can't tell anyone how bad I am aching. Does that make any sense to anyone else?

I Don't Even Like Aspartame

I Have To Be Honest, It Ruins The Taste.

But What Else Am I To Get At The Corner Store? Its Safe Food To Me. Its Zero. Its Nothing To Add. Nothing To Worry Over.

Never Too Much Of Zero.

11/14/10

118.5

"Be Good To Your Self."

Well, Thats What The Fortune Cookie Told Me. Rather, It Said "Be Good To Your Self. Dessert Three Times Per Week Is OK." I found it funny, like the little cookie was trying mock me. This weekend turned out pretty darn good though, Yannic stayed over after an evening of driving east to see what there was to see. We stopped in Hope for dinner on the way back. And well, It Was The Fanciest Place I've Ever Been To. A man in the corner playing piano, And Mints In The Bathroom. (Had The Best Berry Chicken Salad To!) We stayed in bed today, just being together. It was the best, I must day. I don't think I laugh or smile like that when he is away. Another reason I miss him so. I Just Got A Reply From Khrys! I simply Can't Wait To See Her! I was extremely worried she wouldn't message back and I'd not be able to see her at all.. But Now, I'm Stoked! Its going to be a long week of closing shifts, but it'll be worth it to see khrys <3

Day 06:

- Favorite super hero and why.

Duck Dogers
Of The 24 And 1/2 Century

Now, I know he isn't the smartest, and no one ever believed in him, But That Has Never Stopped Him. A super hero dosen't need powers, or even to know how to work those high tech gagets. He only needs to do his best and stick to his dreams. And Thats Just What Duck Dogers Did, He kept going, kept fighting the bad guy. And to me, thats a real super hero.

Popeye The Sailor Man

Once Again, Popeye Isn't Really A Super Hero. But he always saved the girl, did the right thing, and worked his hardest. With strenght (by eating his veggies!) and determation, he worked aganst the harsh words of Olives familey, and became the hero in the end. I really admire Popeye, cause he is always him self and wants to do the best for everyone. To me, He Is The Perfect Super Hero.

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Charlie Chaplin

Above All, Will Always Sit, Sir Charles Spencer 'Charlie Chaplin'. I've Seen All The Movies, Over And Over. Timeless classics. He is a hero to not only the years of the silent film, but to years and years after. He is renowned as one of the most creative and influential personalities, and for bringing laughter and relief to a war torn world. He brought smiles to counter act something so huge. That Is Something Not Just Anyone Could Do, Let-alone Ever Recreate. He Was Only A Man, With Dreams And Ambitions. So Suck It Superman, You Could Never Be A Hero Like Mr. Spencer.

11/13/10

120.2

And To Be Honest. It Scares Me.

I Can Remember A Time, Only A Few Months Back Now, That 120 Was Something I Simply Craved After. Now It Makes Me Anxious And Fill With Fear. Alot of things at the moment are making me take a step back from it all, Making Me Re-Think Where I Want To Go, And What I Want To Do. I've taken back the hopes for art school. I mean, If I Really Wanted Graphic Design As My Dream Career, I'd Be Pumped For Web Design, Or Poster Making. And Truth Be Told, I'd Rather Be In The Kitchen Making People Smile Then At My Desk. Another thing would be from what my last post brought out in me. How I've yet to really go anywhere. And this really brings me down a tad.. I'm not even sure where I want to go. And I Know People With Lists A Few Pages Long Of Where They'd Kill To Get To. Maybe I just wanna explore my backyard. See what other in far off countries crave to see.

11/12/10

Day 05

- A picture of somewhere you've been to.

[Insert Photo Here.]

There Really Isn't Too Many Places I've Been. Never been outside of Canada for goodness sake.. And I've Only Left B.C. Once, And that was to see Lloyd. And even then, we stayed there playing brawl and watching 80's cartoons. I've Been To Neat Places Around Vancouver, And A Few Places Up Around Revelstoke Were Pretty, but nothing to really wright home about. A Place I Want To Go Is Even Harder To Answer. I know there is so much out there, so much to see and do, and well its all over whelming. It was a half thought out plan to head to Hawaii over the winter break, rather, I would get to tag along with yannic and his mother. But I'm Not Sure What Happened To That Idea. Then there is the plan to road trip down to California soon. But even then, I'm not sure that will happen either. Honestly, I'd love to go anywhere, see something breathtaking. But I'm sure one day. For now, "Oh The Places You'll Go" Will Be My Travel Boucher.

Hey Extra Foods?

You Can Suck My Balls <3

Found A Much Better Job Paying 16$ An Hour! Okay.. Its Still In The Deli, But Its At Safeway.. So.. Meh. 16$/Hr Makes Me Rethink Hating My Job. And, while we are on the brighter side of things, My Doctors Appointment Today Went Very Well. I'm back on Dexedrine, but this time at a higher dose. Lets see how well it goes this time. Tomorrow I'll be working on my homework after about 4/5 weeks of nothing.. While I was out this afternoon I picked up a few things. Amongst the Highlight Kit, and Coin Rollers. I've gotten another cookie tin, and acne things. The cookie tin is so I can bring all my baked goods to the lovely ladies at coles, rather.. The acne kit is the reason I'm giving away the baked goods to start with.. Yeah.. I've also picked up a book I've seen around a few times, 'The Hunger Games' - Suzanne Collins. I really suggest giving it a read. Not only twisted in many ways, but thought provoking and simply jarring. And at only 8 dollars, I thought I'd snag up the last one. Along with the best book mark ever (for free in trade for baked goods) ((See Photo Above)) Mine is pink, and the lady said it was to keep my place in my cookbook, so I know what cookies I've Made And Brought In For Them.

Day 04

- A habit that you wish you didn't have.

Now.. There are alot of habits I wish I didn't have. The biggest one would be anxious worrying. I worry myself ragged.. Over even the smallest of things. I work myself up, and become very emotional when things turn out the way I didn't plan. I don't have the ability to simply, go with the flow. Another Thing I Really Could Live With Out Would Be My Habit Of Leaving Things Unfinished. i start things all the time, Make Plans, Wright Lists, Then Simply Place The List Down.. And Walk Away. Even at times, I find unfinished lists! This I've noticed has really effected my accomplishment's in life. And one habit I strongly wish to break. Of Course The One Habit That Kinda Goes With Out Saying Is My Eating Tendencies. And Well I'll Leave That There.

11/11/10

"I'm angry at bulimia hangovers"

I second this statement.

If I were binge free I strongly believe I wouldn't be living this kinda of life. I mean.. I'd be a happy easy going teenager, and normal. And well.. right now.. I'm not all too sure what 'normal' is.. It took me 15-25 minutes to make a choice at Ihop this morning.. I was having a mini panick attack at the table.. Heart pounding, Room spinning, Breath short kinda thing.. boy friend at the other side of the table hadn't a clue.. I just wanted the strawberry pancakes.. and ordered the simply fit crepe.. ugh..

Day 03

- A picture of you and your friends.

I Wont Be Inclueding Full Names, Cause I'd Be Rude Of Me, But From Top Left, Going Clock Wise; Me, Alicya Shandel, Lauren, Megan, Colleen. This photo was taken a few years back at lauren's birthday party. This is when I was closest to all of them, sadly I've drifted apart from a few. But I Know They'd Still Have My Back If I Ever Called For Help <3

Here Is My Big Brother, Khrys. She and I are very close, we have gone a hell of alot together, and she will always be my true family. We lived together for quite some time, but even over that short time, we grew very close. I haven't had a chance to see her in a while, but next weekend I'll be traveling up to stay with her for just under a week. To be honest, I simply can't wait. I miss her with all my heart. But It Hurts Less, Knowing She's Been Missing Me To.

If Photos Could Talk, Oh The Story This One Could Tell. There will never be a christmas eve like last years chirstmas eve. You Can't Tell, But We Are All Very Much Ripped.. Ahah. There was dress up and ballroom dancing right after this was taken. And yes.. It is sideways.. the couch was my tripod.. And we can't really tell, but behind Del, cubbord is held together with sotch tape.. Oh the basemet suite, How I Miss You. Anyways.. In this photo, you may reconize Khrys and I. The One In The Back Is Del. Him and Khrys dated a long while back, but now he is like the older brother for me and Khrys. To Him, I'll Always Be Little Zilla.

This Was Taken A Week Or So Before I Left For Revvy. On the left there is Marcus, Or Market As I've Always Called Him. And in the middle is Kim. Now I could go on and on for pages about the past events that the three of us share, but the more important things, Rather, the sader side of things.. after I moved back it seems the three of us have drifted farther apart.. We rarely speak and I havent seen either of them in quite some time.

11/9/10

Day 02:

- The meaning behind your Facebook status.

" Hey! .. Hey You! .. Smile, Your Simply Beautiful! Never Forget It, They All Can Suck Eggs Cause I Love You, And I Know What True Beauty Is ♥ "

This Status was for a good friend of mine. She's been having a hard time as of late and I just wanted to make her smile, and most importantly; remind her that she is simply beautiful and completely kicks ass :D

11/8/10

Day 01:

- A picture of you and 15 facts about yourself.

1. I Sing My Loudest, And With Most Confidence, Late At Night Walking Home Alone.

2. I've Wanted To Be A Fashion Designer, A Graphic Designer, An Architect, And Photographer In The Last Year, (But I've Never Wanted Anything Like - )

3. I've Wanted To Be A Ballerina. Its Been A Dream Ever Since I Can Remember.

4. I Find Most Joy In Preparing Food For Others. During Which, I'm Never Anxious Or Counting. I'm Truly At Peace With My Self.

5. Most Of Life, From What I Can Recall, (Mostly In My Teen Years - ) I Was Sitting In-Between Genders, (Rather, I Was Bi-gender.)

6. Last Week I Escaped From That, And Am Now At Home In My Skin As A Girl.

7. In 21 Days It Will Mark Two And A Half Years That I've Been Suffering From Bulimia. (And My One Year Membership On Pt.)

8. I've Wore A Single Pair Of Converse To The Ground. They Lasted Me Just Under 4 Years.

9. I Know The Basics Of The Guitar, Piano, And Violin. (I'm Re-Starting Violin Lessons Soon.)

10. I've Seen Every M*A*S*H Episode. And Plan On Watching It All Again, And Again.

11. I Own Every Sailor Moon Episode, Yet To Watch Them All, But It Will Always Been My Favorite Anime. (Right Under Orion High School Host Club.. Of Which I've Watched 8 Times.. And Of Which A Second Season Is Coming Out In '11)

12. I've Read 'Alice's Adventurers In Wonderland', More Times Then I Can Count. I See Myself Very Strongly Reflected In Little Alice.

13. On The 13th, It Will Mark 15 Months I've Been With Yannic. He Is My Best Friend, And My Love.

14. I've Been Off Again On Again Polo-Vegetarian For Over A Year Now, Went Vegan For A Month.. Didn't Work So Well.. Plan On Trying Again Soon.

15. I Am Currently Completing The Remaining Few Months Of My High School Career In The Form Of Online Resources. Once Complete I Wish To Attend Culinary School And Become A Pastry Chef. (One Day I Wish To Own And Operate My Very Own Vegan Friendly Cafe And Bake Shop.)

Your Better Then This..

Just Sit There, Do As I Say, And Keep Right On Sitting.
Don't Run To The Bathroom.
Sit, Breath, Calm Yourself.
Don't Run To The Bathroom.
Your Much Better Then This. It Was Just A Muffin.
Don't Run To The Bathroom.
Your Only At 726 For The Day, Stop Panicking.
Don't Run To The Bathroom.
Don't Let This Happen.

Don't Run To The Bathroom.

Don't Ruin How Far You've Come.