Little Alice and Caroline

A friendship long awaited.

A very very long time ago, perhaps a few short weeks after I started this blog, I had stumbled upon a non-profit personal project that was in its starting stages.

After going along on my own, struggling in the depths of my mind and trying to make it through some of the darkest days of my eating disorder, I decided to contact the people in charge of this project, I was trying to reach out for help.

I was put on a list, along with many other girls and boys. There wasn't enough people helping with the project to meet the high need for the finished product sadly, so there was quite a wait.

A few years had past, I forgot all about the list and the project. I struggled quite a bit, getting better then getting worse. In the past year or so I've kept my head above water however and I've been working to get myself in a better mind set.

Then, on a dark day after a stress filled week, right after a day of emotional eating and I was fighting old thoughts.. out of the blue, I got an email.

It was from one of the volunteers, asking if I still lived at my address in Revelstoke. 

I just stared at the screen. I couldn't believe it.. After all this time, after all this fighting when I thought everyone forgot about this battle.. There was this group of people that still believed in me, and more importantly, my recovery. 

I wrote her back, we exchanged a few emails, I thanked her endless in each message.. And, a week or so later, I got a package.

Inside the large manila envelope was something that brought tears to my eyes. Something hand made, with love, just for me. 

Her name is Caroline, she is my recovery buddy. 

(not sure you can read the message she came with)

"Hello, my name is Caroline and I love butterflies.
Butterflies represent transformation.
They start out as a caterpillar, go into a cacoon,
 and then they transform into something beautiful.
 Let's go catch some butterflies."

I just wanted to share her with you all. Something I've waited for so long for, made with love by people that are doing something so very beautiful and not asking for anything in return. These people are amazing, and truely wonderful. When ever I get scared, I hug her tight, and I think of all the friends that are counting on me, everyone that believes in me, and those people at the Recovery Buddy Project.

Everyone knows I can get better, that I can stay better. That everything is going to be okay. 

You can find the blog that I followed and contacted here.

First night alone..

I'm not sure how well I will fair.


Thank berry for the tubers?

Conventions, summer days..

And the softest of first kisses.

We've just said our goodbyes, I tried my honest hardest to hold back those tears.. But when you ran off the bus for one last embrace, I couldn't help myself. Then I got to watch your bus pull away. 

We had a week together though, and that's far more then other online couples get some times. It just feels like this morning I walked into the hotel lobby to be greeted with your warm hug for the first time. And now you're gone. 

I know it's not a final goodbye, it's a "see you later" but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm far too far away. Not only on the opposite coast, but in another country. I'm young, and ambitious, thoughts of how a move of that scale could work run though my head. Would I dare leave this beautiful land I've always called home for a love? 

Honestly? I get a knot in my stomach thinking about the possibilities and the outcomes of what a choice like that would be. 

Maybe I'm too young and love is simply confusing. All I know is the butterflies that  would fill me when our eyes would meet and you'd smile. 

I'm so happy I can make you smile <3

Midterms And Moving

Black Mold and Conventions. 

Its been just over a month since my last post. In that time I've written three post, which ended unfinished as drafts.. So much happens daily that I'm unsure where to even begin, so nothing gets written. 

Lets just start with the title then shall we? (Which is the only time over the course of this blog that I've ever been that direct.. it feels weird) 

Midterms.. I'm finishing my second month of schooling, and things are starting to pile up. Lots and lots of homework! But I'm really loving it. After wanting this for so long.. I'm finally here. I did have a few points at the start when I truly doubted myself. Thinking that this was no where near my field or capabilities.. Which ended with me crying at a bus stop and ready to drop out of my program. I'm glad I made it past that point. I do however still think this isn't my field, but this is education that is mandatory to further my career in print. 

Moving.. Yes, again. Seems that is my talent~ This time I hope is the last time till I'm done schooling though. The mold that was in my room mates room is found in the hallway as well. And I'm having intense chest pains.. On top of that, I'm ready to get away from my room mate. He is a nice guy, but not room mate type of person.. So like my style, I decided to move. With a week left in a month to pack, clean, and find a place. And just like my talent, I found a place with great people, that is clean and a bit more then I pay now, but still affordable. Sure its a tad far away, but I'm fine with it. more so cause I get a loft bed :-3 Gonna make so many forts!

Conventions.. EverFree Nothwest is coming up.. In a months time. Sure it seems like there is time, but with the growing list of things to, I'm doubting that it will go smoothly.. There is the tickets to buy, the train to book, the hotel to find, and my cosplay to finish. Seems like a short list sure.. But I doubt my ability to get everything done.. On top of my budget.. With this move I'll be in the hole, plus the convention and cosplay costs.. Then right after that the week I need to take off to go to this, and the convention in August right after this. I'm getting a little overwhelmed.. But I simply can't do what I normally do in these situations.. Back out. That's not an option. Not that I truely wish to, don't get me wrong. Thats just what I resort to doing.. And what I've been doing to every invitation as of late. No bowling, no fireworks, no movies, no mtg.. The friends I thought I was making, I'm loosing.. I hate social anxiety.. 

I miss naya. 

We talk more now, and its really great. But I know she is having some issues with Kayla, and is feeling lonely/with out friends. I wish I had regular schooling, With set days off in a row so I could go visit her.. I was going to see her on my break, but I'm not sure that will happen now.. I know she will be disappointed.. Even more so cause the next time I get to see her is at our con, which I'll be in school most of the time for any ways. I really don't want to disappoint her.. That's one of my deepest fears. It all goes back to her mothers death, I wasn't there, and I couldn't offer her anything. I disappointed her, even if she doesn't think of it like that, I know that's how it is.. I wasn't the friend she needed me to be. So I want nothing more then to be everything she needs now. And I can't do that. I miss her so much.. 

"True Love"

By archivealicorn

Some day you’ll have some wrinkles, you might have them today

Leave them or get a face lift, I’m fine with them either way

Your skin is yours alone, tattoo or pierce it if you want

I’ll show you off regardless, you I’ll always flaunt

Some day your weight will change, curves might leave or stay

And only for your health, might I care for what you weigh

Chubby, thin, or average, your body I’ll never shame

I’ll hold you tight, kiss you, and love you just the same

Some day your hair will fade, you can dye or leave it be

You can dye your hair right now, that’s ok with me

You can cut or trim your hair, in the manner you desire

Legs or head or genitals, it’s nothing I require

Some day you might change, the things you choose to eat

No more milk or eggs, I’m fine if we eat no meat

Vegan, vegetarian, organic, whole, or raw

I’ll respect your choices, for what you wish to gnaw

You may feel that your sex and gender don’t agree

That’s ok, my darling, you can be who you are with me

I will call you what you want, “they” or “he” or “she”

Holding hands through hate, hormones or surgery

Maybe you’ve got another lover, and feelings just as strong

As long as they’re respectful, I’m sure we’ll get along

Maybe I’ll love them too, and maybe they’ll love me

Together we can love another and happy we will be

Maybe you’ve got mental issues, depression, anxiety

Eating disorders, self-harm, by your side I’ll be

Regardless if they’re just acute, or something all your days

I’ll hold your hand, fight with you, and care for you all the ways

You might vary your desires, for affection, sex, or touch

Whether every day and night, or you don’t want it much

I’ll cuddle when you need it, snuggle, hug, and kiss

And if we do it, I’ll try hard to give orgasmic bliss

My love has one condition, for which there has to be:

“I won’t quit you, provided, you don’t quit on me.”

Love is hard to define, true love is hard to grow

So, my dear, I’ll love you, in every way I know.

I've opened up to one, and I've been accepted. To be honest, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Like a weights been lifted off of me. I'm still not completely fond of how I am, and still slightly worried about the future. But I've got the most loving and caring people by my side, and really, that's all I need. Sure things will be hard from time to time, and as with most things in life, get bumpy. But if those who I care so deeply about, care just as deeply about me (just the way I am) then why stress to change? I've never accepted this part of me, the part that has torn up so much of my past loves.. But I really think this is a good start. 

One love.

And feeling lonely..

There is something so terribly lonely, about loving someone so very far away.

Some times, I wish I was average. Simple, uncomplicated, plain.

There is something so terribly lonely,  about being able to love more then one person. 

I feel broken, or rather.. Over upgraded. Its bad enough I am attracted to all genders.. but this.. this isnt fun. Where it feels this is frowned upon by social norms, where Im ment to have a one.

To not feel deep intense and true love for more then one person.

I feel ashamed. 

You have no idea how badly I crave, to have a one.. 

But no. I have to choose. I cant have both. With choosing.. Comes pain. Crushing those I hold so dear to my heart.. 

Maybe, I should just be alone. Be away from ever falling in love again.

I cant stand this pain..

And even, after everything.. Im still falling asleep, alone. 

Another new year,

And the very best of birthday wishes.

My Sweet Bumble

Bumble, my sweet bumble

How do you do, 

I was just thinking about you

About how you came here so long ago

And changed the whole place from head to toe

How you've made so many friends 

From all around the world, you social girl

Every time you walk in, they flock to you

Like a big towering lighthouse of glee

That makes all of them chuckle and squee

You give them all hugs and cuddles too

Followed by adorable artwork, all from you

As months went by, you only made more friends

Many of which you thought would never have

But its all for the better, my sweet bumblesweet...

As without such friends in your life, 

you would never be so complete.

My birthday comes and goes every year, and more often then not, it's just another day.. As I don't have many friends to share that day with. However, this year hasn't been a regular one, and I've acquired more then a handful of deep meaningful friendships and loves. With whom, I got to celebrate my day with. And this year, it was by far the very best birthday I've ever had. From a shout out on a review show, to an amazing commission by one of my favortie pony artists, and even a thoughtful poem, I know I've been on my friends minds, in their thoughts and they have given me something from the heart. Not just gifts, but friendship as well. That alone is more then I could ever ask for. I feel so very lucky, and I know that I've just begun. Its such an amazing feeling knowing you are loved, I hope it never passes.

Little Helpless Alice

Nothings worse then knowing someone you care very deeply about is in lonely and in pain.

Except for knowing they are lonely and in pain, and knowing you can't do a single thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to believe I'm a very helpful person, that is always and ear to listen and tries her best to help a friend out of any situation. 

But the few situations i cant help with.. Are the ones I'm struggling with currently. Because i haven't found my way out of those boxes, and I've only just started trying. I feel useless because now, when I'm needed, I've got no advice, nothing to say.

They might think i don't even care..

But they are so very wrong.

I care so much that I'm up hours after I've said goodnight, just for that slight chance they message, needing me. Im trying to force myself to get through loneliness to help them.. To just even become a stronger person to lean on. 

But its not working. Im crumbling under the pressure I'm putting on myself.. I know because my joint pain is back with a vengeance, accompanying the bottle of wine and a half I'm  finishing almost every night.

I want to help you.. But I'm lonely too.

Little Alice, is so very lonely and helpless.

But she keeps trying.. Because she loves you, so very deeply.

Who Am I?

Ill be 22 in a few days.

Im finally starting to school, figuring myself out, and discovering much more to life then I ever thought possible over these few years.

But I'm scared. Im hitting a wall. Im not sure im ready to break through it just yet though.

Have you ever wanted to be just sure, like completly sure, of who you are. Of the person youve become, and where you stand with in this world.

But then, it comes back to the question ive always had trouble answering. Who am I?

I'm a facebook admin, for three pages.
I'm a photographer, and I'm learning to be better.
I'm a painter, a sketcher, a doodler, an artist some say.
I'm a poet, and writer.
I'm a friend, a best friend to some.
I'm a girl lost.
I'm a girl found.
I'm a human making its way through life.

I'm a little lost, a little confused, and more then a little bit confused. But I'm Little Alice, And I'm More Alive Then Ever. I'm about to start schooling, and that can open so many doors. The more I'm drawing, the more I'm improving. The more I chat, the better at being a friend I'm becoming. Every day I make it through, the more I learn. The more I learn about life, and about myself.

I'm excited, and over joyed about the journey I'm on, and the path I'm taking. I really can't wait to see just where it leads. Even more so, the person I'll be when I get there.

even though I'm more alive and aware then ever, I'm scared, and feel alone. 

Then again, thats what life is ment to feel life. Isnt it?

Just a glass of wine

Then perhaps, just one more.

Oh. Little Bumble, are you feeling alone..?

I've come to realize, I've got a problem with drinking. Then again, a lot of people do.

There is the type that spends every last penny, the type that has to drink every night, even the type that when they start, they simply can't stop. However, I don't fall into those categories..

Little Alice, gets black out drunk.

Again, it's something that happens to a lot of people. The thing that worries me most, is almost every time I drink, I hit that point. It sneaks up on me. The line between a little bit drunk to completely forgotten the next morning is so seamless.. it scares me.

It won't happen right away, and every time it's a bit after the alcohol has run out. But I can recall everything, function just fine (as well as any stumbling fool) and then it cuts off. I wake up unsure how I got there, when I went to bed or when I did before that.

A few times, large chunks go missing.. I recall leaving the house, questing all the way to the bus stop, kissing her neck, then blank. Nothing. Not how we got back, the couch snuggles, getting pjs on, or taking them off.

Just flashes of tumbling about.

That scares me.

Lengths Of String

And That Long Awaited Mush Filled Letter.

After almost a full month of waiting, which felt like forever.. Your letter arrived. Slightly damp, and full of holes.. But finally, it was here. I'll admit.. I was nervous. And the few nights of having to wait even longer, just made me more nervous. Then the time came, and I read aloud the words and rhymes, filled with longing and love. It really was, just what I needed to hear. 

I know you struggle with displaying emotions and over all mush.. But the fact you took the time and put so much effort in to trying, just for me.. that speaks volumes. I know I'm not able to be there for spring break.. And perhaps not for some time.. But I feel that's okay. Because everyday that I get to wake up and message you, and see you're smile.. That makes the distance not feel so far. Even though.. There is no place else I'd rather be, then falling asleep in your arms.

And now, to write you back < 3

Vodka, Destructive Behaviours..

And all the reasons why I promised to never drink it again.

This morning, water and suds.. running down my legs, soft stinging.. slight irritation. More so the slight twists, and every step.. as my boot rubs my sock.. my skin.. raw skin. Just a constant reminder, this is how I learn to be a good girl. This is how I learn my lessons.

Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.

This is how I once, long ago, use to learn my lessons.
Perhaps this is why this stinging feels like home.
If it makes any difference, I feel ashamed.
Just new marks to hide.

Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew..

"Just new marks to hide." Which seems silly. But no one wants to see fresh marks. Only pink ribbons left on soft skin. Because by then, they feel they don't have to intervene. As the damage is done, and clearly, they've moved passed it, right? I'm not saying I need someone to intervene. I know better. But vodka, vodka makes me forget that. That's why I swore to never drink it again. But I got nervous, I got scared. I panicked.

And no, I don't wish that I never made them. You've gotta fall to get back up again. Moments of weakness happen. I am, after all, only human. 

"Someone Like Me"

Note book pages, and post-it doodles
your name surrounded with hearts..

I said I'd wait, but I think now, you're waiting for me.

Poems, and late night calls, your letter in the mail. Soft sighs and day dreams. What happened to me? Where did I go? I was so sure.. I know, however, that one thing I'm still sure of is that, I love you. Just as much, if not more.. But I'm worried now, that I'm not quite enough. 

The moments when you breath deep, and finally think everything out. You get to have a word with yourself, and you see where you need to be, where you need to be going. 

I'm not going to say good by to the IRC, to my new friends. But when school starts, I won't be around as often. Schooling, homework, my studies, they will take top priority. I think I need to take that time to really figure myself out as well. I can't fully give myself to another person, love and care for them, until I'm all together myself. Then again.. Maybe this is just a copout answer.

But I know I need some time to be lonely.

Not belong to anyone, and just be with myself. Because loneliness, is one thing I'm terrified of. And I need to be okay with who I am, before I can let someone love that person. 

"Yes.."

"But I'm starting to think that isn't enough anymore."

I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm not sure anymore myself, and that scares me. I wanna know, and be all in like I was not so long ago. But, my heart is confused.

Then you look at me and simply.. smile, and I forget. 

I'm worried that even though there are feelings, true feelings. That you're a person that needs closeness, and I'm a little too far away. I hate thinking that. But I'm sure it's crossed your mind aswell. And, myself.. I need more affection..

But, that said.. I'm still waiting for your letter..

Then again.. I'm right on the edge of saying goodbye to the IRC. And those people I've come to let into my heart. Take some time to myself. Take some time, to meditate, to ground myself. To figure out who Alice is. 

It's gonna hurt.

But I strongly believe come the start of schooling, is something that I'll need to do. 

Wating On The Post

And Three Letter Words. 

Some days, I'm not too sure who I am anymore. I get cold, and see my old scars show up.. Slowly trace over then, and sigh. I was in a dark place then, but yet, here I am covering up new marks. 

I'm feeling more confident, day after day, with my new clothes and I've really noticed a change in myself.

But is new clothes enough?

who I am, now? 

More open about my likes, and even a drunk bumble told her room mate she might be a lesbian.

But, is that true?

If it is, then what are these feelings towards guys?

I was advised by a dear friend, that I should wait. Not jump into another relationship any time soon. Sort my self out first. And in east Vancouver, there really is no better place to truly discover yourself. 

Maybe, I'm just scared what I'll find there.

The best good morning texts..

And random acts off kindness.

These last few days, I've been out and about. To the mall, hung out with a new friend, even sitting and writing in a cafe, and grocery shopping. Normal everyday things, that I have a great issue doing. But, not so much these last few days.

As of late I've been comfortable and confident in my own skin. Which is a great feat in itself, as I never feel comfortable or confident.

The reason for this, I bought new clothes.

A few straight cut plain t-shirts, new sports bras, and most importantly a pair of jeans. Guy jeans.

I know its simply just fabric and jean material cut and sewn in a different fit. Then marketed and sold as male gendered style. But to me, it's more then just a pair of pants.

And that meaning has shone through in the form of my smile and lack of anxiety attacks. And if that doesn't speak volumes, I'm not sure how else to explain it.

Stringing Along?

But that's really not what it is. 

Really my dear, I can feel it, and I know you can as well.

With the late night calls, and shy smiles, it's so much more.

Regardless, we will know, in a months time.

Perhaps the maybe wasn't enough, but you're still worth this wait.

I just wish I knew.. just what to say, so you could feel safe. 

My arms are open, inviting, waiting for you. 

Here if you're scared. We can take it slow. 

I just.. I miss you so.

Long awaited trips to afar

Less then five weeks.. I'm worried.

Maybe this is cold feet.
Maybe this is some sort of sign.
Maybe this is my heart not really knowing what it wants.

I want to come see you.. and honestly, I know I'll hate myself if I don't.
If I let this maybe pass me by.

Maybe it was a good thing it was a maybe though.
I mean, we haven't known each other very long after all.
But here I am willing to give my heart away.

The maybe is still a maybe. And your still worth waiting for.
But maybe.. maybe it's too soon. Maybe I shouldn't come out..

Then again. I'm just scared. Terrified really.
Im not sure I'm the girl your falling for..

I don't want to hurt anyone.
But my heart isn't sure who to pick.. and.. as much as I don't want to.. I have to pick.

My heart hurts.

Words Writen Down

The Words That Are Written Away From Peering Eyes.

There ain't no-one else to blame

For all those sunny days

When all you see is rain

All you got are memories

But that just ain't the same

Some things I've come to realize, I am even unable to post here. Here, my blog. My one place that I can tell all. And that's a little more then a little bit saddening. At times I regret sharing my blog, I wish I could take back sharing this part of me. Or perhaps, I should start another one.. Just to get these thoughts out of my head. But I know I can't.

Even though this is indeed my space, there is somethings I simply cannot say out loud. Perhaps these things I simply do not wish to acknowledge happened, or thoughts that I'd rather not admit to having. Either way, it's more so the fact of I know who reads these posted words, and there is somethings I'd even rather not tell them.

Maybe that's what my little paper bound note books are for. Even then, it's not quite the same.

Then again, everything gets posted here sooner or later. Even the words that I know I shouldn't. Those posts are just the most vague.

Dreaded To Do List

There is alot running though my head right now.. But maybe I should start here..

"Hello PT, did you miss me?"

I've been gone a while, and then I returned again (in hope of recovery) but I fled, terrified that being amongst these old forums would trigger the old habits I was trying to run away from. Turns out, I didn't need the forums to be triggered. I hit my lowest weight of 108.4.. and that made me want more.. gah.. that sounds silly saying things like that again.. but sadly that's where my mind has slipped back into..

I went away for a vacation, and did what everyone does, we snacked. And after almost a month of not eating more then 500 ish calories a day, all day snacking and the willynilly consumption of gluten left me bloated and feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. 

But I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't have done.. I got back from the hotel, and weighted myself, 115.0

Instant switch flipping, I was triggered. I panicked.

Sitting through the last family meal before going on the bus home, was painful.  Heart pounding, anxiety spiking painful. I started to count. What was on Nanas plate, Aunties plate, Papas plate, Nayas, and then mine. How much have I eaten today, I couldn't recall. But it was more then I should of had. I couldn't possibly eat more. But I had to. And I almost cried at the table. But no one knew.

I forgot how easy these false walls could be built.

Even though these walls were my home for such a long time.. I really am scared of this. I honsetly don't want to slip back in to these habits that I've been fighting so hard to pull myself from. And I thought maybe this time was finally when I'd give in, what's the use fighting over and over if fighting for myself clearly wasn't enough..

But what about my drive for other people? My drive to help and push myself harder then I've ever pushed, if it was to help someone else that truly needed me.. I was talking with my friend about a blood donation that was going on at his school, and how I couldn't donate as I'm anaemic.. Nothing thinking much more about it I got to work and I noticed there was a blood donation truck that was to come 'round closer to the end of the year.. I thought, perhaps this could be my chance.. This could be my goal. 

Recovery to give back like I've never been able to, because there is someone out there that needs my strength.

I want to get well enough to donate blood.

Adverbs and spring break,

Four hour Skype calls, leaving our cheeks sore from smiling.. but now we know, that its more then defiantly, very, pretty-darn sure that its a maybe.

Misunderstandings gone wrong end up feeling like a punch to the heart. Leave you speechless, panicked, unable to breath. This has happened before between us, and I think it's the fact these feelings are so scary that all we can do is think the worst. But like my note book said, if the fear is too much, my arms are always open. 

It will feel like forever till march.. But you my dear, are worth the wait. All we need is those few moments in each others arms, a shy smile, and we'll know. There is a lot riding on this visit.. And I just, hope I'm everything you think I am.. Then again, simply getting the chance to be there, next to you, will be worth it.. Even if I cant call you mine by the end.

Thats a big if.. And with that if I start to worry, but then I remember your smile and how you said those silly three words to me.. That are just words, but you felt them.. No, you feel them.. Youre scared but you said it, and im sure you saw me simply light up.. 

I understand you dont trust yourself.. I dont trust myself much either.. But this is worth the loneliness, the fear and the wait.

You said those words to me.. And I said them right back.. From the bottom of my heart

I love you.

Plushie promises and..

Sushi dates. 

And those few big glasses of wine..

Alice is a very lonely person that craves closeness. Alice is a scared little girl that fears the consequences of saying "no". Alice feels like a whore.

Im in no way proud of what happened. But I cannot sit here and say that it didn't in fact happen.. Im a little fuzzy on the details mind you.. But at some point the night turned from playing at the park to cuddles.. Then closed bedroom doors. 

He is most definitely a Dom, in the way he doesn't ask, he requests. Straight forward, to the point. As a small meek person, I'm no good with directness.. So a direct request from a large intimidating person, ends up coming off as a demand. Ive been in demanding relationships.. You don't say no. 

Saying no is something I've gotta work on.. And I gotta work on it fast, cause.. 

He wants me to be his Sub. 

This simply terrifies me.

Part of me is worried that Little Alice the push over has let this go on too far.. That its too late to cut ties. But I'm scared what he would do if I spoke up.. Sure Subs have a say in the rules of the game, but the Dom is the Dom, they choose how the game within those rules is played.

So going to lunch, turns into a date.

Im doomed.

Drinking games, hang overs..

And things that shouldn't've happened.

Drinking and cuddles.. I think we are just lonely people.

But it happen. And I'll shrug it off.

I feel I should write more..

Maybe another time

Mistah Jay,

And Buttons Mom.

I got a hug. A big warm thoughtful hug. He said I looked cold, and to be honest I was shivering.. So I got held while we waited for my skytrain. Even made me take his Vinyl Scratch scarf for my bike ride. I've got to admit, it was very sweet. And I stayed warm all the way home. 

I'm a little unsure about this new friend though.. But we are going to hangout on Wednesday, so we shall see where this goes. 

Sleepless nights, and love poems.

Heart pain is the worst.
This pain.. is so unnecessary..

I know how you feel, how strongly you care for me.
And I hope you understand that those feelings were never one sided.
As I care for you and about you to no end.

I could never begin to express how much your presence ment to me with all that's been happening as of late..

And regardless of events.. You brought me back to art, writing, true friendship, and smiling.
Most importantly, to love.

And yet, I push you away.. waiting for something that might never happen.
Yet wanting to ask you.. to wait for me.

I'm a very selfish person.. I realize this.

 And I'm terrified that I'll loose your friendship though this.
 That's something.. I truly couldn't bare to loose.

I'm sorry my dear.. I'm nothing but trouble.

Sleepless nights, scary dreams.

I'm not sure where I stand.

Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been in this position.
And like I said.. I'd gladly wait, for as long as I had to.

But a part of me thinks, I'll get those ears and just be.. his little cat girl.
 Or as the pages of my sketch book would suggest.. his little anthro fox.

Maybe that's all there is to it. A furry rp romp.
 And thats fine, cause I know he is very much my wet dream.

Who am I to ask for more?

I've got his kindness, compassion and friendship.. what more could I need?
And again..

Who am I, to ask for more?

My Friends

I was going through life, thinking I was so alone. 

Thinking I had no "irl" friends.

I was wrong. I do have real friends. 

They are the ones that lift my spirits and give me hope. 

That make me smile and laugh when I've been in the deepest of blues.

No, many of these amazing people I've never met in person. 

But you know what, that doesn't change a single thing.

 They are my best friends, and they mean the world to me. 

And I really don't know what I'd do with out them.

Take my hand, let's explore.

With you.. I wouldn't want anyone else.

Give me love like her,
'Cause lately I've been waking up alone,
Pain splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I'd let them go,

Maybe I've been lying to myself this whole time.. Maybe.. as corny as it is, I just had to find my "one" that person that simply got me.. Maybe these feelings are just because I can't have you. But even though it's just like I do have you.. I know I don't.

And that I'll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.

Maybe this is cause I've never been in the friend zone before.. and your attention is what I crave.. and I know I can hold it. We both know better.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,

But.. I want you, and I care about you, I love you, please, just.. Just give me a chance. With you, I wouldn't stray, with you, I'd give up chasing girls. With you.. I'd be yours.. Solely yours.

Give me love like never before,
'Cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,

And as scary as it is to admit.. I've never felt that way before.
Maybe your my one? .. Maybe it's cause I can't have you.. But, I'd be willing to test the waters..

Even if nothing happens.. even not for a long while, I'd still be here..
Cause to me.. To me, your worth the wait..

[She.]

Covered in pink ribbon scars.

Shallow cheeks, white porcelain
Protruding ribs, tile floor
The empty stomach dance begins.

Mia, don't whisper softly in my ears
Hold me up as I faint.

Courage, courage, come
You're only as strong
As your will to fight.

Numbers, numbers, numbers
There is safety in numbers.
Grams, ounces, calories
Record them, memorize them
Recite them by heart.

Fingers, are cold.
Hands, will shake.
"It's not easy to fight
Just, give in."

Numbers, numbers, numbers
There is safety in numbers.

Say Something..

This is where I'd write what I'm feeling.. This is where I'd write whats running through my head..

But everything feels a little numb..
and I can't put words into sentences or even start to tell my fingers what to type.


I'm not sure I'm doing okay.

I just hope.. I just hope that he is.

Courier, and other forgotten drafts.

I'm not sure what I'm doing. 
I'm starring at a blank page, shaking, wanting to

cry?scream?breakdown?

I'm not sure, I just want something to happen.. something to be set in motion.


I've started wearing my sports bra again.
Because the slightly pressure around my ribs makes me feel like I'm being held.

I've forgotten what a hug feels like.


I'm very alone.

Thoughts Jotted Down

Scribbled in my note book,
Ink on my arms.

I've come to realize, that I'm a part of many people's lives,
but these relationships.. they form fast, but strong, deep and true.

I'm only in these peoples lives because I need them, they need me.

In most cases these bonds don't last very long.
Many times they will last a few years at most.

But one factor is true across the board, I stay until I'm no longer needed

"I'm no longer needed" - and that happens, in all cases.

I'm in these peoples lives to show them a true compassionate friendship, a deep meaningful love.

To show them they are needed, they are cared for, and valued.
And in return are able to care and love others as well.

I have a deep heart, and wish to bring these people happiness..

But, that's one thing that makes it so much harder letting go

Because at some point, I have to go. I have to show them loss.
Show them life really is okay and love goes as quickly as it comes.

I have to be there, but only until I'm no longer needed.

I'm that person.

There is nothing out there but loss for me. and that's okay, because I get to share love.

Because loss, I can live through, over and over again.

Because every new time, the love is so much stronger, and so much more meaning full.

Then again, at the end, I'm still so very alone.

Long Nights, Soft Sighs

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours

I'm not sure what level I'm on.

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now.

Let me be your 'leccy meter and I'll never run out
And let me be the portable heater that you'll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion (I wanna be)
Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean
I wanna be yours

I Swear This Time I Mean It

If luck is on my side tonight
My clumsy tongue will make it right
And wrists that touch
It isn't much, but it's enough
To form imaginary lines
Forget your scars, we'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh God, please make this last

My room is almost all set up.. I can now lay on my bed, look up at the walls and smile. This, this is my space. This is what I've been waiting for, what I've been craving for so long. 

'Cause I'm outdated, overrated
Morning seems so far way

I got to unpack my art supplies.. The paints and clay that have been living in boxes for 9 months or more.. I almost cried realizing how much I missed my art, and how finally, I can just live. I can finally just be. Don't get me wrong.. I've done a lot of growing, and learned a lot about myself whilst living with others.. However, I honestly believe this is what I've needed.

You could crush me
Please don't crush me
'Cause baby I'm a dreamer for sure
And I won't let you down
I swear this time I mean it

"I honestly believe this is what I've needed." Not sure why that line makes me laugh a little.. It's only been a few days into the year, and it's started with so much change. But, when I leave the house, after the sky grows dark, I can look up, and finally.. I can see stars. And they, are so damn beautiful. 

Letters In The Mail...

And Sappy country songs on the radio..

I haven't written in ages, and now I cant seem to write fast enough.

"It's no lost to me.."

I know you didn't mean it like I took it..
But those words keep ringing in my ears..

The move went alright, a few bouts of bickering.. but it's done. And I'm all moved in with an old friend from Abbotsford. Its sad, but simply just hanging out with him these last few days, has been the most human contact I've had in a while.. We are just sitting around and bullshiting, but I can tell that this is the most either of us has laughed in a while. And it feels so good to laugh. 

We had a cupboard full of soup and a freezer full of juice,
and we are adults now.

And I'm loving every moment of it. 

[Obligatory New Years Day Post.]

I realized this morning.. This is the first post of my fifth year writing this blog. 

I've been here, and pouring my soul out to this blog, for four whole years. And I've just gotta say, so much has happened.. So many people that I've met that have truly helped me through so many things. I'm honestly not sure I'd be here today, still writing, if it wasn't for the amazing friends I've made. 

Through this blog, I've hit rock bottom, and experienced complete happiness. I've fought and overcome so very much through my time here.. I've dropped out of school, and then worked very hard to still graduate. I've traveled to a few new places, and seen amazing sights. I've grown as a person, and I think I'm finally starting to find out who I really am.

As cliche as it really is, This Is Just The Beginning.

I'm scared and so very excited. 

Life is starting, and I'm ready to see where I can go.