Dreaded To Do List

There is alot running though my head right now.. But maybe I should start here..

"Hello PT, did you miss me?"

I've been gone a while, and then I returned again (in hope of recovery) but I fled, terrified that being amongst these old forums would trigger the old habits I was trying to run away from. Turns out, I didn't need the forums to be triggered. I hit my lowest weight of 108.4.. and that made me want more.. gah.. that sounds silly saying things like that again.. but sadly that's where my mind has slipped back into..

I went away for a vacation, and did what everyone does, we snacked. And after almost a month of not eating more then 500 ish calories a day, all day snacking and the willynilly consumption of gluten left me bloated and feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. 

But I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't have done.. I got back from the hotel, and weighted myself, 115.0

Instant switch flipping, I was triggered. I panicked.

Sitting through the last family meal before going on the bus home, was painful.  Heart pounding, anxiety spiking painful. I started to count. What was on Nanas plate, Aunties plate, Papas plate, Nayas, and then mine. How much have I eaten today, I couldn't recall. But it was more then I should of had. I couldn't possibly eat more. But I had to. And I almost cried at the table. But no one knew.

I forgot how easy these false walls could be built.

Even though these walls were my home for such a long time.. I really am scared of this. I honsetly don't want to slip back in to these habits that I've been fighting so hard to pull myself from. And I thought maybe this time was finally when I'd give in, what's the use fighting over and over if fighting for myself clearly wasn't enough..

But what about my drive for other people? My drive to help and push myself harder then I've ever pushed, if it was to help someone else that truly needed me.. I was talking with my friend about a blood donation that was going on at his school, and how I couldn't donate as I'm anaemic.. Nothing thinking much more about it I got to work and I noticed there was a blood donation truck that was to come 'round closer to the end of the year.. I thought, perhaps this could be my chance.. This could be my goal. 

Recovery to give back like I've never been able to, because there is someone out there that needs my strength.

I want to get well enough to donate blood.