After A Two Day Binge

Being Sober At Work, Was Terrible.

[Will finish post later..]

Truth:

"Whats In Your Purse Right Now?"

*dumps contents on floor..*
 Vodka, mushrooms, coke, note book, lipstick, pens, diet pills, laxatives,  cards, and coins... eyup.

To be honest, again.

B.S. Words are just words.

"Destiny", and "fate" were tossed about, along with lies you told so effortlessly, " I promise" and "love". But that's not really the point, is it?

Your the beast to my fairy tales, the dark that haunts my day dreams.
You'll be the end of me.

You've taken my heart, and left it in days of summer past.
Why do you scare me so?

Simply Put.

Outta the blue, You Crossed My Mind..
And, The thought of you terrifies me.

I was searching my blog, for posts about you, but none of them could put into words the fear that your name has dug into me. I know I've handled the burden of you before, but if I had to face another round, I'd die.

And not metaphorically.



Why does your memory haunt me.

The weight your memory has on me, it's crushing.

Sure this is just the start of my life, and everything changes.
But your one thing I just can't shake.


Then again, our good byes were never really good byes, Just See You Later.


Then again, Our Good Byes, they never 
really
ended.


but one of us has to go first, why not me. 
I'm worthless anyways, you said so yourself.

Truth Or Dare...

I've got more then a few messages from readers, asking questions, asking a many things.
So I've turned it in to a game of truth or dare. I've capped it at ten, for now at least.

Round One.

Truth Or Dare: Truth.
"You said you've stopped with the drugs and liquor . But your resent post say other wise.. Have you done anything today...? When was the last time you were sober..?"

Yeah.. I know I've said that I was done.. I've been high most of the day, and well.. Most of this week. I don't want to think about sober. I don't want to think about it.

Last Train Home.

For some I figured it would the best idea to go, in the middle night, in the pouring rain, to down town. 

I think it was the drugs. Or the vodka. Or the arguing. 

Missed the last train by a few minutes, and walked most of the way back.. bleh.

I promised muffin I'd take a moment to talk with yannic.. The moment when we got home and a hug commenced..  right for the neck, right to asking when I'd be coming to bed. I asked "for cuddles" .. his reply "Naked cuddles" Eyup. bleh. silly muffin.. If I didn't care tons about him I wouldn't even bother, but I wouldn't think of breaking a promise, so I'll talk to yannic tomorrow.. It's just too much right now, I'll all tweaking out, my thoughts won't slow down, I'm too caught up with where this relationship is heading.. The dumps..

Breath, deeply and completely

In, then out. Feel the breath, accept the then, and now.

Drink, Drank, New Scooter?

Now then, I'm sure I've brought up that I'm tappering off of the effoxor, and well, I was down to the lowest dose, once a day. I was ment to start an "every other day"  sorta thing.. But.. The doctor gave me six pills, you read right, six pills, for the next four weeks. One on tuesday, friday, tuesday, friday, tuesday, tuesday. Yeah. Then I'm done. done.

I flipped out.

I called yannic 26 times without and answer, I called jason, crying hysterically in front on the shoppers, barely making fully formed setesces.. I was a mess. I calmed down, but even after that crying, and after a little meditation, I was still heavy with worry.

As I was getting outta yannic truck, he gave me a set of keys. A set of keys belonging to my new scooter. Happy early christmas he says. I'm covered in hot tears, stilling sniffling. Not the best time. NOT THE BEST TIME! ugh.. 

But, today really wasn't that bad. Sure I had a few mean customers, but I was busy studying, and had a friend to talk to if it all became too much. 

I even got to ride the scooter! It got all sunny out, and I got it up to 55 :-D yeah, I'm stoked! I gave it a wash, and well, It's mine come paper signing monday. Ah, it's awesome. 

Oh, and I opened the drugs I found a while back. I'm high. I missed it. I'm a terrible person. I know. Let me enjoy it while I can.

BUMBLEsweet.

JUSTlike: so.

OKAY, things talked out, and it's all PG 13 now. 

I've fallen into the blue again, I can't even lift myself off the floor. Only motivation is more to drink.  It makes me sad knowing when left alone, this is what becomes of me. Is it the medication? Or am I too far gone for the saving..? I cut last night. There, I said it.. Felt so good.. I wanted more. I still do. I want to hide, and never leave this blue hole.

Beer. Beer. BEER.

Beer.

Ideas that come with free thought from beer.

Beer.. More beer. Need beer to think these thoughts with out guilt.




You make me think guilty thoughts.
They make me blush.

Mmm bop

What are we doing... ?




Are you leading me on? Or am I the one leading...
Is this meaningless flirting?
Friends with benifits..
Is it just time to kill until you move?



Not even sure what I see it as..


I don't want to loose our friendship...


Not sure I want to look into it.. Don't want to ruin anything with silly questions.. I don't want to think about it, but I might not be the only girl you've fooled around with like this.. But your not that kind of guy, you really arent. That's why every touch worries me, why the butterflies make me scared. I'll miss you when your gone..

Tightly wrapped around your finger, you havent any idea.. Then again, neither do I.

Sleepless nights for the early risers.

You have no idea, no idea how wrapped around your finger Iam.

You told me what your penny fountain wish was, would you like to know mine?

I wished that every person I loved, every person I cared deeply about, would find happiness. It's a simple wish, but it's a wish from the heart. I want my friends to be happy, I want you to be happy.


Do anything to just see that smile.

As The Story Goes

History Often Repeats Its' Self.

And this time, feels no different..


I couldn't look you in the eyes as you cried, nor when we left the docks, and even when I told you to let me finish the trek home, alone. I can't bare the weight of causing you pain, of making you cry. I'm not that sick. I'm stronger then I appear to be. Honest. If knowing me this well, if being this close, causing you such heart ache.. Maybe it's best for me to go. Maybe it's best.

This time 'round, feels completely backwards. I'm the person that helps everyone, the one that puts all my issues aside to do anything for my friends. I've never had it reversed before. It scares me.

I'm not worth your tears, or heart ache.
I'm not worth your trouble, I can't be fixed.

I'm not worth being fixed.

Let The Record Show...

September 22nd, 124.6 lbs, BMI 22.8
    October 22nd, 115.9 lbs, BMI 21.2

Total loss: Sanity.

Payment Method?

Just going to come out and say it. 
I purged. 





...

No,I am not proud. But it felt so good. I really can't say what brought this on, but I can say for sure that last night was one long night. I craved my blade more then ever last night, and I tossed and turned for hours because of it. I simply itched to slide it across my hip bone like so many times before. Just enough to see the blood bead up and dip. Just enough to feel that release. Just enough so I can hide it, and as with all my others, let it heal so no one would know. I still want it. I am digging my nails in to my palms to clam myself down, but my heart is racing. I'm not sure this is the Alice that Jason signed up for. I'm not sure he'd like me this way, when my medication makes me crazy, when my hips are cut to shreds, my throat raw and acid is the only thing in my stomach. This is the Alice that haunted me for the past few years. This is the Alice I'm trying to run from. She's come to say hello it seems, come to scare away my new friend. 

Just when I thought I could feel happy and safe in some ones arms, She will make him turn around and run from me.

Reading the old, rethinking the past.

Blog posts from years ago, are nothing but simply pathetic..

After Jason said he read my whole blog, I figured a good once over would be refreshing, sadly it was just a downer. I was so strung up on love, and pleasing everyone. Thinking "I've come so far" was really a far fetched idea.. Every post was about love lost, and love misunderstood, but really I was just an angsty teenager with a little too much freedom. I never sat down to really type out what was going out at the start, just little tid bits here and there that never really drew the picture of life back then, not a very pretty picture mind you, but one that I wanted to get out, hence the blog.

Way back when this blog started, I was living with my step sister/brother Khrys, she really ment the world to me, and swore we would make it through, together. When she came home from a concert one night after being gone a weekend, I was caught mid binge/purge session and had to push her away, I couldn't explain what was happening. We went our separate ways. She has a baby and a husband now. We don't talk any more. I constantly blame myself for our parting, she was really my only family.

As for all the talk of the doctors, I spilled my guts to three different ones out there in revvy, and well, one in abby as well. All of them shut me down and turned me away. I couldn't be sick as I claimed, I wasn't thin, I wasn't falling apart, they told me, I wasn't in need of help, they told me I was lying to them. I haven't sought any help since. Lauren brought me to a ministry of health lady, after one visit, I never went back.

Lloyd had me believe he killed himself, then to only return to my life and tear me down again and again. Steven had returned to my life once more as well, he can suck my mediforical balls however. Every time he asks for my forgiveness and then leaves again. I will never forgive him, the things he said to me were harsh and his truth that he held back from some time, it was venom.

-AS FOR THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE-

I haven't cut for about a month, I haven't drank for about just as long. I really see my life leaps and bounds from where I started, even though hardly anything has changed. As for high school, well the resent posts cover that. I haven't purged yet this week, but I'm using diet pills still, daily. I don't binge anymore, well not like I use to.

I don't hate myself, I dislike the person I am at times, but I've come along way. 

[Hey smile! No, really smile..]

Cause your smile is simply dashing.

After a few hours of walking around Stanley park, he says it;

"I read your blog."

To be honest, my heart raced, couldn't breath for a moment, maybe more.

"You did..? All of it?"

I asked, but didn't really want an answer.

"Ya, all of it."

*Deep Breath* "What did you think..?"

"Honestly."

*Holds Breath* "Ya, honestly.."

"It made me cry. Just knowing you on this personal level, and then reading this, other side of you. It hit me pretty hard. You have this great way of writing.."

Of all the things he could have said, of all the out comes to this situation, I really didn't expect this one.

I was so tempted to stop writing, to be honest, to stop my entries in this blog. You've all seen the large time gaps of my absence. But I've realized, as mush as I'd like to get pass this stage in my life, I'm not quite done here. I really have much more to learn, and even more to learn about myself. When the time comes, I'll know it. But that's far from now. Until then, I have my writing and art, my aspirations and dreams, and always my adventures with friends, great friends.

Free Drugs, Free Hugs.

Not sure whats going on, but I want to move out, on my own. Have my space. Have some space. Be more then an arms reach away. Be alone once and a while. 

I have this strained feeling with my relationship  I have for a while now. I'd like to say we argue often, but we don't because I'd snap at him, and he would say sorry and that would be the end of it. Oddly enough, that makes me more frustrated. Why can't I stir anything in him, I'd rather he snapped back, I'd rather he raised his voice and let something out. Something besides an apology.

Sure, we don't fight per say. But we don't make love often any more or at all. I dunno, it's like routine foreplay, and I've gotta fake it. If I don't it keeps going.. I just want it to stop, or not happen at all. Is it wrong for me to feel tied down like this, for me to feel roped in to him and no choice but to stay here.

I'm far too young to act mature, I was forced to grow up early and now I want to play. I know how that makes me sound.. But don't get me wrong! I'm not going to be doing anything stupid  I've got bills to pay, and a job to go to, even a gym membership. I'm an adult and I act like it when it's nessary. But, I crave laying in the park, getting grass stains, and being up all night with a friend.

He isn't on the same level, I'm not sure the same ball park. He says he'll "play" with me, but he won't, he doesn't, he is too old for me, there isn't the connect anymore.. 

It feels one sided..

I just want love. Why isn't it that easy?

It's been too long, but then again, it always ends up like this, doesn't it?

This time 'round it's a little different at least, I've made a friend! Sure he "stalked" me at work, hehe, but we haven't know each other very long and it feels like we were friends for such a long time. It really is grand knowing I won't be locked in my head always. 

We've really opened up to one another, sharing things no one else really knows. I shared my note book with him, I felt raw and open then silly, because there really isn't anything in there, that I logically should be scared to share with anyone. I then realized I needed to share my blog. 

These are the things I hid from my note book. These are the things I've never shown anyone, except those who've stumbled upon it by them selves. This is where I should feel raw and ashamed, this is what he should see. 

The real Alice is here, behind these photos, behind these words. 

And I'm not sure he'll like what he sees.

Except for ponies, everyone likes ponies.