Pretend some one stepped on your sandcastle, you had just finished after hours of dedication. You put all that hard work into it, and well, you know how it'll look when you finish it. But now you've gotta slave over it for another hour to erase that one foot print..
Its like I baked the most glorious pie, and even thought the crust is alittle off, I still loved it and was proud to present it, but then I dropped in on the floor, and everyone still told me is pretty.
i thought i was okay.. i really did.. i thought i could handle being 121.9.. but i donno.. it changes everything when I'm two inches shorter.. i know it sounds like I'm wining.. i know it does.. but when its always been about numbers, always about the fuck'n numbers, seeing that huge change hurts.. alot.. I'm not okay right now.. I'm really not
I'm still not even sure where I'm going.. I'm on the fence about it all.. cause i know recovery wont do a lick of good, if i don't want it 110%.. and yeah, I'm aware of whats ahead, and sure I know a shit ton more this time round. but.. I'm tired. I'm sore. I had work so fuck'n hard. push beyond my limits only to get thrown back beyond the starting line. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through it all again. I don't have the drive to run in flailing my arms hoping to fight it off.
that's what scares me. it'll all happen again, but ten times worse cause i wont fight it
understand why I'm in tears now?
I'm fighting it right now cause i know i may be wrong.. but hearing it from the doc i don't know if i can handle that.. and it would drive me mad not knowing to.. and I'd end up just going with my answer i know i would..
its just too much time to time.. cause i know being this way ends only one of two ways. and I don't think I'm strong enough to recover.. no.. i know its not true.. i think i could.. I'm just .. i donno.. I'm just scared I'd let you all down .. that's why I've kept the resent purging episodes from my blog.. I didn't want anyone to know I've been slipping..
...
No comments:
Post a Comment