Truth Be Told

I'm Nothing But Scared.

121.1

"Huzzah!" *Gaily Flails Arms*

"Dum da da dum, dum da da da da dum."

 Member hearing about plateaus? Its Like Nessy! They Are Real! And, like Nessy, can be blow outta the water. Alice 1 / Nessy (Now The Name Of My Scale, For Lawl Reasons) 0. And to top it all off, I found I was 5'3 yesterday *More Flailing Arms* (For those that didn't read my post a few days back, I was terrified, not knowing my height, that my BMI would be closer to the "Over Weight" zone. Keep in mind.. For some reason I thought I was 5 foot nothing.. BUT I'M NOT! WOoooo.. ! My Plan Right Now You Ask? Keep On This Track, For I'm Riding The Binge Free Train, And There Are "No Purging" Signs Everywhere. 

Now its not all peaches and cream my dears, I'm all over the place as of late, and still very unsure what to do with myself. I've asked for set days at work. I know this will dramatically drop my hours. But so? I was planning on quiting! Pft. This way, I'll have time for my homework (which by now needs dusting..) And time to spend with yannic.

 And I know it may sound dramatic and all that.. but how everything is Turing out, I'm only truly myself, and happy when he is around. I'm not sure where I'd be with out him. Well thats not completely true. I'd be in Edmonton, and well, with no drive to better my self. I'm sure I would have giv'n up long ago. I know I would have had support out there.. But its not the same. I still felt I need to better myself in every way. I mean really. Hitting 114 was in the end, to spite him anyways. "Anything Under 120 Is Repulsive." "What Your Doing Is Disgusting, Your Killing Your Self." Over and over those comments rang through me. It was all to spite him. I was at my worst the week he visited. I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't handle the weight of everything he left with me. It was too much. 

Anyways! Enough about emo alice. LA DEE DA. Past is the past. Can't Change It Now. Off To Kill Me Some Zombie N00bs. (If anyone has xbox live and a lovely copy of Left For Dead do let me know! Always can use more back up! )

11430)

Boys don’t cure eating disorders, friends don’t cure eating disorders, acceptance, attention, approval - they don’t cure eating disorders either. The only person who can cure your eating disorder is yourself but you’ll never want to and that’s the downfall. But damn, it’s possible.  

This Is Really Now

Time Keeps Moving, She Keeps Sitting, Wishing For Nothing But Tomorrow. She Didn't Know, Tomorrow Was Yesterday. 

This Is What It All Feels Like. I'm Really Getting No Where. Still Sitting, Just Where I Was, Yesterday And The Day Before. I'm Working Towards Nothing. And Its Really Nagging At Me. I Just Want To Up And Quit My Job. I Hate It There. But I Know It Isn't The Brightest Thing  To Do. I've Gotta Wait. Wait For Another Job. Wait For Something Bigger. Keep Working Towards Nothing. Some Of The Girls Have Been There For 3 Years. I Just Can't Understand That. I Keep Applying. For Everything That Pops Up On Craigslist. One Call Back And That Fell Through. I Know I Can't Stay Here Any Longer. Its Driving Me Mad. Mum's Driving Me Mad. 

In the end, I know moving won't change a thing. I know I'll be stressed from schooling and food and unhappiness. Its just scares me staying where I am. I'm getting all the dark thoughts back. I know where the pill bottle is. The one I kept from a year ago. I know what I'd do. I know what the pills are capable of. I lay there, All The Pro's And Con's Running Though My Head. I always settle for one day more. It's gotta be better tomorrow, Right? Its all gotta be worth something tomorrow. Wake Me Up When Tomorrow Comes. 

Itty Bitty.. Another Tid Bitty.

If food has ruined your life...: Totally sane one minute, binging the next: "I am never able to discuss this in full because I feel so ashamed admitting to this behaviour, even touching on it with my wonderful therapi..."

From The Insightful Blogger Lilah.

122.6

Pretend some one stepped on your sandcastle, you had just finished after hours of dedication. You put all that hard work into it, and well, you know how it'll look when you finish it. But now you've gotta slave over it for another hour to erase that one foot print.. 

Its like I baked the most glorious pie, and even thought the crust is alittle off, I still loved it and was proud to present it, but then I dropped in on the floor, and everyone still told me is pretty.

i thought i was okay.. i really did.. i thought i could handle being 121.9.. but i donno.. it changes everything when I'm two inches shorter.. i know it sounds like I'm wining.. i know it does.. but when its always been about numbers, always about the fuck'n numbers, seeing that huge change hurts.. alot.. I'm not okay right now.. I'm really not

I'm still not even sure where I'm going.. I'm on the fence about it all.. cause i know recovery wont do a lick of good, if i don't want it 110%..  and yeah, I'm aware of whats ahead, and sure I know a shit ton more this time round. but.. I'm tired. I'm sore. I had work so fuck'n hard. push beyond my limits only to get thrown back beyond the starting line. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through it all again. I don't have the drive to run in flailing my arms hoping to fight it off.

that's what scares me. it'll all happen again, but ten times worse cause i wont fight it

understand why I'm in tears now?

I'm fighting it right now cause i know i may be wrong.. but hearing it from the doc i don't know if i can handle that.. and  it would drive me mad not knowing to.. and I'd end up just going with my answer i know i would.. 

its just too much time to time.. cause i know being this way ends only one of two ways. and I don't think I'm strong enough to recover.. no.. i know its not true.. i think i could.. I'm just .. i donno.. I'm just scared I'd let you all down .. that's why I've kept the resent purging episodes from my blog.. I didn't want anyone to know I've been slipping..

...

"Your Amazing To Me,

"Your Amazing To Me, Mountain Man Beard And All."

Up And Down, And As Of Late, Backwards. But There You Are, Making Me Smile, Never Letting Me Forget I'm Loved And Cared For.I Don't Think I Could Ever Thank You Enough, For How Much You've Helped Me Get As Far As I Have. I Love You, With All I've Got. And Even On The Blue Days, You Can Make Me Smile. I Don't Want You Worrying Over The Amount Of Blue Days, As Of Late, That Have Been Popping Up, I've Got People That Love Me, And Friends That Will Always Have My Back. And I've Just Gotta Slow Down, Take It One Day At A Time. I'll Be Okay.

Victoria's Secret Angels

 Firework by Katy Perry

Day 28 :

 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

13/11/10

22/11/09

This Is As Close As I Could Find Two Photos. October Of '09 And Same, Of '10. Last Year This Time, I Was Either High, Or Drunk. In That Photo, I Had Tried Mushrooms After A Night Of E.  We proceeded to burn the couch with her cig, and decided we should tone it down for a while. 

In The Other Photo, I was with yannic on a road trip to see where we could go.As for "how I have changed" 

Well, I'm not partying anymore, Only Cause I'm Not In Revvy, And I Wouldn't Trust Anything I'd Get Down Here. I'm 2 pounds lighter then in last years photo. And my ear are stretched a tad larger. hmm. I've given up my lip ring. And I'm closer and more in love with yannic then ever. I'm still doing the same in schooling however. Only thing time round with a job not drugs to keep me busy. Other then that, I'd have to say nothing else is too far from where it was.. Now I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not..

you know what sucks?

when you cant even bring yourself to type what you want to say.

And She Whispers..

I feel weak, that everything would be in my grasp, only if I just pushed just that much harder. I think I'm scared to, scared that I'll just give up again. I gave up recovering, twice. Only cause it wasn't what I thought it would be. And the only reason I attempted the first time, was cause I was failing at being thin. har har, right?

Day 21 :

- A picture of something that makes you happy.

For the longest time, I'd spend my time painting. I was never all that good. And worked only with things I could get the at the dollar store. But I enjoyed it. Always made something beautiful, and that I could share. I never kept any of my paintings, Only The One Posted. I always made them as gifts for friends birthdays. And they never turned out as I planned them to. I'd have an idea in my head, but one stroke too long, or one colour a little off, I'd change everything, and it would turn out better then ever. When I finally get everything sorted out, I'll start it up again. But until then, Its nice to just doodle. 

Day 13 :

- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently. 

Dearest Mia,

   Its always been a Love Hate with you, hasn't it? You Love To Hate Me, And In Turn Taught Me To Hate Myself. Which is odd if you were to put much thought into it all, Cause You Are Truly Me. Just the side of me that has pushed and pushed until your sight is deranged and your knuckles bleed.

   I refer to you by another name now, only cause you've gone so far in the past, I don't see you in any way myself anymore. You've lied to me, Took me out of school, Away from friends, And Punished Me. You've entangled yourself into my personality, only cause for the longest time, I knew no other way then yours. 

   But I'm fighting you now, and on the good days, we get along, when you agree with me, and know that its best to eat and be normal. But some days, you throw tantrums. Some times small. A chocolate bar here, a cracker there. Letting me know your still stronger then I'd like you to be. Other times, your at the wheel. I black out inside myself, and your controlling my movements. These times you've taken me out for dinner, or the corner store. Only to batter and bruise me later. 

   Remember a time when we were happy? When we didn't have numbers ruling over us? I know going to talk about it all scares you. And I know you'll try your hardest to make me feel like shit and cancel. But I can't take your abuse any longer. I've grown tried and weary of your actions. To be honest, You Need To Grow Up And Learn To Deal With Things In A Different Manner. 

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

-Alice.

It Always Seems

Things Start To Pile Up, Just When I'd Rather They Didn't.

I'm back at my BC weight (Before Clinic) Who would figure, a gain? at a weight loss clinic?! Its baffling. Either way, I'm back to BC, and very happy about that. I've started counting again, and meal planning with in reason. numbers will stay around 1000 in the plans, so it gives wiggle room. I went in for the advertising interview yesterday, I'm not sure if it went really well, or it went so well its a bad thing.. I just hope I get a call back soon. I'd prefer work out there, rather.. I'd prefer getting a call back for any of the jobs I have applied for from out there. I just hope this "get van work" drive isn't worrying yannic he's jumped in too far, cause I'm still not sure if when he says he'd love it i I stayed with him, that he means I'll help you pack. And to be honest.. I'm scared to ask. I try and beat around it when the subject comes up, or I try and beat around to make the subject come up. But I'm still sitting in that grey unsure area. I've just never reached a stage like this with anyone, well taken in to account I'm just 18 and the last BF that I was contemplating "moving in with" or starting our "forever" with was a jerk and admitted to only pretending to love me the span of our two year relationship etc etc drama dramaaa ...Nevertheless. I've never had a serious relationship come to anything big, and because of such. I'm unsure how these things play out.. In the movies, the guy/girl ask the counterpart to move in, there is a montage of happy upbeat packing music, dramatic waving goodbye to their old places, and then.. bam. they are living together.

 Going from this. I'm just waiting for the upbeat music to ominously start playing.

Power Quencher

I've pulled outta the Uloss program.Okay, More Like Ran Out In Tears.
I wasn't ready, And The Stress Of The Money, or lack there of, left me dealing with things the old way.

I'm still going to do some of the meals, I mean, I've got the food and things left over, So I Might As Well.

I'm not sure where I still on the recovery fence.
And sitting at 123.7 I'm not one bit happy.

Who'd have figured a weight LOSS clinic, would make me gain.

Post-It Notes

I Don't Think I'm Ready. I'm Not Happy With How This Is Playing Out.

Where Is The Eject Button?

Om nom nom..

To My Love, May There Be Many More Smiles, And Post-it Notes Ahead.

Towel. Thrown In Or Out?

 [Tied Around Her 125lb Waist.]


I was making my lunch, and it was all running through my thoughts.

 Am I done with it all? No. My ribs are disappearing, My Hip Bones Are Gone, oh, and that gap? Pft. Riiight. It terrifies me. I don't want this. They said 110, they swore! 110. I'm raging. Fuming. I Haven't Wanted To SI In Since Summer Ended. But All I See Is My Thighs, Overlapping, Fighting Each other With Every step. He'll toss me aside. But I'm back to that tub-o-lard state. So He'll Need To Heave-Ho. I'm not counting days, I'm Counting Meals Remaining. 30 till Her Party. 21 till the winter event. 42 till Christmas. I can't do that. I'm debating counting calories again. I've strayed from the meal plans again, and 1300 isn't where I'm at daily. I need to know. Its why I'm gaining. I shouldn't be gaining. I can't be. I've debated skipping the meals. But that would be money down the drain. Money I Can't Waste. I've debated dropping out. But They Know Of My ED, so I can't. I just want it all back. I want the dizzy spells, the hunger pains, the lower numbers, the challenge. I want it to over take me like it did last year. I was high on lack of sleep and the adrenaline from working out 3 hours a day. From hitting 113 and knowing I did it to spite him. 

I can't take it. And I'm only a week in. What Hope is there for me?

Its Felt Like Too Long,

Far Too Long Since A Little Posting One On One.

On Monday, I started as planned, my meal program. The meals where different from my norm, and included ingredients I never had allowed my self in the past for either being, too high calorie wise, or the fat content. But I made and enjoyed eat meal. I did however have a tad of a slip up last night.. I realise I had completely (unintentionally) set myself up for it all. But long story short, my old habits left me in the staff washroom. Thank god I've always been quiet. But I admited my mistakes, and am doing much better today. If not for my team enivision friends, [@ Dorika, Clickforsound, Taintedthrills, Tdsp,and Livingwithdemon] and yannic, I'd have continued my behavior once I got home and been a teary fat failure. That however I am not. Iam starting to lose my hipbones, and my legs gap. Which saddens me a tad.. But I know my body is just getting use to the amount I'm eating and will start to adjust soon. I'm at my 120 mark again. I know this is also from the amount I'm eating. But instead of the sugary mess I had my body running on, its getting the 30 30 40 of carbs fat and protein that it needs. I'm learning to listen to what it needs, and to respond in a positive and timely manner. I'm doing really well. I've even got an appointment at the mental heath clinic on Dec 31st in the afternoon. Its going to be a sit down, from which she'll help me find the help I need thats best suited for me and where I am in my recovery. 

Out side of food related things, I'm still behind in schooling (ho hum) But I'm still finding time to push out a paper or two. thats when I'm not drown in work.. I've been up'd to 30 hour weeks, and it looks like I'll be working even more soon.. Ah well, need the money thats for sure. Done my Xmas shopping, thank goodness. Still feel I need to get my mum some more things.. I just don't have the money.. Its either being spent on my program, or food for my program.. Its silly. But like I said in a post a while back, I've wasted tons and tons on binging and purging in the past, so all this money is being used for the better. I've started to talk to an old friend again, but after the first impacting shock, I'm trying my best to steer clear of it all. I know it will be more triggering then help in the end. No matter how much support he can offer me right now, truth is, he'll only do damage. alot more then I'm able to handle. I'm still doing my plan with @Danae, and to be honest I missed talking books with someone! I'm up to chapter 3, only cause of yesterdays slip, but chapter four will be done tonight, (can't wait till your on to talk about the ceremony! we should bet on who will survive! hehe) 

I've come to a good place in my life right now. Its filled with hectic long hours at work, and stressful shopping. But Every Day I'm Getting Up, I'm Facing My Fears, And I'm Smiling, Cause Life Is So Much More Then I Ever Thought It Was. And I'm proud to say I've got Yannic next to me to share it all with. I know I may not have much, Hell, I've Got Nothing. But that doesn't change a thing. What ever I do have, I share with my close friends and yannic, all of which I consider my family. I'm not sure where I'd be without you all. You've helped more then you realize. Thank you.

Recovering:

From an ED is harder then any AA meetings or quiting smoking, I mean really.. food.is.everywhere. Its easy to get, cheep to buy, And I Don't Get ID'd. Its not like I can lock the fridge like a liquor cabinet. I have to recover but still eat to live. I've got to stop drinking but drink to live. Tell Me How Easy That Is. 

Day 23

: Something you crave for a lot.

Adventure. 

Just Getting In The Truck And Driving, Where Ever The Road May Take Us. Or simply being out and enjoying everything that today has to offer me. I crave seeing all there is to see. I crave getting a little lost on the way. And not asking for directions. 

Tomorrow:

I've Always Said, Tomorrow Is A New Day. There Always Will Be A Tomorrow. And Tomorrow Will Be A Tomorrow To End All Monday's Of Tomorrowsisum.

I've made my lunch for work, and 6oz of salmon is an awful lot of fish. I've got everything set for breakfast as well. After work, I've got plans to meet up with Lauren when she gets off school and back into town. She had offered a while ago to come with me to the Fraser Health clinic, And I Plan To Take Her Up On That Offer. I'm just worried it'll be too much in one day. But I know that Yannic, Lauren, and Richard have my back, and are all wishing me the best. Just have to man up and get through it. Gosh I Hate Mondays...

Day 22 -

 What makes you different from everyone else?

I'd have to say that I'm not all that different from everyone else. Sure I've gone through alot in my past, but hasn't everyone? I'm indecisive like alot of others, so I'm all over the place when it comes to making a choice, be it what game to play to what to study at school. I'm not the brightest, but I have a knack for making jewelry, and know my way around graphic design. I happen to know more about cartoons that aired in the 80's then whats on now. (And I happen to LOVE all of them) I'm not that trendy, but I've always had my way about making clothes my own, and have been great at finding the deals. Can never shop for others however, just escapes me what they'd like. Always been one to make mixed tapes and paintings for gifts, and they always were a hit. I know a few who still enjoy the tapes! For some reason I get filled with axzitiy not knowing whats ahead of me. be it the night out, or where each discion will take me. But, Like I Said, I'm Just Me, And I Guess When It All Comes Down To It, I Wouldn't Change A Thing. Cause Being Me, Makes Me Different In The Way Everyone Is Different, So Everyone Is The Same, Just Cause We Are All Different. 

In The End

Its Always Been Up To Me.

I wanted nothing more then success, and the feeling of worth. Thats all. 

And now, I know I can find that feeling, at the end of my recovery.

It'll be worth every penny. 

I've been adding it all up, and over the past years I've wasted away

-- hundreds upon hundreds of dollars worth of food.

So this is no where close to what I've wasted on killing myself.

Its my Christmas gift to my self.

And I'm ready.

I've been asked what I'd do with all the ED related things I've collected from over the two year span that it was at its peak. I can assure you all book marked sites, blogs, and all documented plans have been deleted and destroyed. I'm still following less then a handful of you, those who I'd like to see updates from, just to be reassured your okay. Soon, I'll be destroying my intake journal, for it has too many bad memories attached to it. As for PT, I won't be an active member on the forums, but I'm keeping my account. If at any time PT becomes triggering, I'll say my good byes. The unity bracelet however, won't leave my wrist for the ED therapist visits, or my clinic drop ins. As I had explained to another who had asked, PT truly means the world to me. Its not some site that can be replaced in a blink of an eye. No, Its So Much More. Its a community, of support and understanding. To me, I had found family when no one else could understand what I was going through. They are there through every success, be it a fast complete, a purge rested, or a high mark on a test. Through every set back as well, from your late night binging, to a breakup or a bad day. Every victory is the communities victory, every set back, is the groups as well. Its a sense of belonging to such a large amount of individuals, of which are from all corners of earth, its knowing your not alone, no matter what, you have family. And the unity bracelet is a reminder that my community, my family, is there with me, supporting me. Wishing me the best in my steps to recovery.

I Need A Hug..

I'm Scared. I don't think I'm ready.. I broke down at the front desk, in-between sobs saying I Don't Think I'm Ready Yet. But I've purchased the first half.. I've got the vitamins.. The journal, pedometer, and the first meal plans.. I'm scared.. I don't want to waste this money. But I Don't Want To Waste This Life. I deleted all my book marked Ed's sites, and fitness trackers, I've deleted all my diet and plans in my documents. I'm contemplating burning my calorie journal. of which I've used an tracked for almost a year now.. I've even left a note on my PT account, and I'm sitting here shaking. No.. I didn't tell them I was suffering from Bulimia.. And I know I'll have to tell the one lady once I start. But I really want to do this.. 

I'm just damn sure I'm going about this in all the wrong ways.

But I know that they can show me how to eat properly, I know they can show me how to love myself. 

I know normality is possible. 

And They Even Said, I Don't Have To Start Right Away.. 

When ever I'm ready she said. When ever you feel you can do this. I'm here.

Someone.. please tell me it'll be okay.. 

..I'm just scared it'll be a waste of time..

Health And Wellness.

That's What The Clinic Offers. 

I've got an appointment at noon tomorrow. I was trying to convince myself I wasn't nervous. But judging from the amount of cookies left in the package.. I'd Say I'm Very Nervous. No, I'm not going in about ED's. And No, I Don't, At This Present Time, Plan To. I'm going in to talk to her. To Hash It Out, And See What A Balanced Eating And Exercise Plan Looks Like. See where it leaves me. I guess I'm trying to scare myself. Okay, I'll Admit It, I'm Already Scared. But Its A Step Down From How Terrified I Was Four Months Ago Seeing Blood, Now I'm Shaking In the Dark It Doesn't Come To That Again.