Friend Zone and Wine Racks..

And the loneliness between each glass of wine.

I need a cigarette. 

I'm not sure what I'm doing. Just have another glass of wine. I thought I was making friends, I thought I was making close meaningful friendships. But here I am loosing them. This is why I can't make friends. They all leave. And I'm alone again. Loneliness is the worst feeling. Just have another glass of wine. Saying goodbye shouldn't be this tough. Just have another glass of wine. What does it matter anymore, if the people I think care most, can just up and leave.. "For me, it'll be no loss." I don't think I can eat today. But really.. What does it matter. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I bought caffeine pills.

I'm at a loss. 

Don't Worry About Me. I'm Always Okay In The End. 

I'm Not Sure What I've Done.

But I ran back to PT.
And it was gone.

Turns out the site creator was on Dr.Phil? Dr.OZ? I dunno.. but the site was called out for being the worlds largest eating disorder website and shamed. Which is terrible.. As I know so many people, myself included, that was saved from that site.

I had to find out more.
And I found the mods from the old PT.. made a new one.

On the old PT, I lived on that site.. I was almost even a mod for the forums. And I had a family there. When I needed my support for anything, I knew I could go there. From someone to chat with about fainting and fitness to all my recovery attempts. I have my Unity Bracelet still and wear it with pride. As we truly were united. But long story short..

I reopened my account.

I want to recover.
I haven't eaten today.
I need to recover.
I'm not sure I plan to eat today.
I crave recovery..
I feel faint.

I'm sorry..

To Be Honset

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I'm scared to be home.

I'm close to hitting underweight, a few more days of being in this apartment.. if we start to fight.. I know it'll push me too far. It's brought me back to my trigger songs. And I think that scares me most.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Little tiny bumble pony..

I'm sorry.. I was really trying..

111.2

Four days of stress free eating and.. and I still fail you..

111.2

Please.. don't hate me..
I'm sorry..

There Are Moments Like These

That Make Your Heart Smile. Moments That You Realize, Life Isn't So Darn Bad.

I was walking home, slightly tipsy, when this song came on my iPod.. I stopped and smiled..

I realized that even though life down right blows, I have so many friends, and so many things to be happy about.. That sure, life really isn't fun right now, but that's okay, because I have love and support and most of all, friendship.

I Stood There And I Realized For The First Time In My Life.. I Couldn't Kill My Self. I have too many people in this world that mean so much to me, their happiness means so much to me.. I couldn't bare knowing that I hurt these people by carelessly ending my life.. That I have to keep pushing, for these people, but most of all, myself. I have to keep pushing forward for the future, for my future and my dreams. Cause I'm going to make it somewhere.

So no matter how bad things get, it'll be okay, everything will be okay.

And I continued walking home, smiling bright and singing along to this song.

Etiquette and Magic Duels

And the social anxiety that is stuck in between.

I'd hate to admit it.. but its happening again..

112.7

I haven't been loosing anymore weight.. But I can't seem to gain any either. The last time this happened I skipped my monthly, and as I was overjoyed at the time.. that was my goal the last time this happened. (The loss of the monthly period is when a large amount of weight is lost in a short amount of time, the person becomes underweight from lack nutrition or from over whelming stress)

But I'm really trying this time.. I'm terrified that I'm becoming malnourished again.. I know what it feels like, the dizziness, sickness, lack of energy.. I just.. I don't know what to do.

The last thing I wanted was to fall down this path again.

I was ready for recovery.. and now I'm on the brink of being underweight if this keeps up..
Gah.. I wish I had that bracelet..

*104.5 is the number to stay away from.

Finding Friends, and Blankets Of Snow.

And The Cold Medications That Let Me Sleep At Night.

I realized last night what a selfish person I really am. I had promised a friend that I'd keep up with the post on a progress blog of sorts and give feed back on this personal journey they have started.. And after many promises that "I'll read it later" I had gotten go caught up with my own BS and drama that I had forgotten.. 

While they are up late night after night helping me sort out my life, not asking for anything in return.

How can I be even allowed to have such caring friends?

I know it might seem like I'm beating myself up a little too harshly over this.. But in my eyes I'm not. They trusted me and shared this journey with me, asking a simple request, to read and respond. And I've failed them.

I've got to put my trivial issues aside, and start putting my friends first. 

Or I'll loose these ones as well. 

And between you and me, these ones are the best ones I've found.. 

I couldn't bare the thought of loosing them.

Nyquil and little smirks.

And everything in between.

I think I'm getting a stress induced cold/flu.. and that just makes my hurting teeth hurt more. I was talking to Jason last night about my teeth pains.. we think it might be from the years of purging and they are finally just failing me now. Stomach acid will do that.

Not that's what I'll tell the dentist.

On a side note.. I can't get that smirk outta my head..
It makes my knees weak.. in the best possible way..

I've sent a total of 47 emails to potential rooms for rent. And only three replies. I went and saw a place yesterday, 460$ ish max a month, but the room is tiny and even though I'm not in a place to be picky, I'd like to look at a few other at least before I commit.

Jason and I finally sat down and had a chance to talk. Yeah I know.. it was about as much fun as it sounds. But it had to happen and I'm very glad that it did. He is still holding on to the romantic aspect and what not, but I can't blame him. I do feel like the biggest shit in the world about hurting him like this.. but we are just so much more compatible as friends. Infact, after our talks we had some beer and pizza and watched King of the Hill. It was really just what we needed.

I get to spend Christmas over at Nayas' and I'm simply ecstatic about that news! I might be a broke joke.. but I tried to buy everyone at least something. Cause everyone deserves something thoughtful from a loved one.

I asked my new friend from the irc about making me a recovery bracelet, a simple chain with a few coloured stones to represent my self harm, depression, anxiety, and eating disorder. And then one or two stones hanging from it. The stones hanging down will be white, the colour of recovery.

I've seen a few other disorder bracelets as of late and identified myself to these people, but pointed to my PT unity bracelet instead.. and as much as I love my PT unity bracelet, I feel a new chapter has started.. and I'm ready for my recovery beads.

But again.. I'm a broke joke.. but Dellys' jewelry is so wonderful.. it would simply mean thre world to me if a new friend like that could make this deeply meaningful and symbolic thing for me.. but Gah.. it's so expensive..

I guess my recovery chapter will have to wait a little longer.

Deep breath..

And repeat. Once more.. And.. Flush.

There they go.. Down The toilet.. Down the drain.. Little swirls of colour.. Little safety net of pills..



I was asked to flush my stash of pills, the ones I was saving for years.. The ones I needed.. Just in case.

Is friendship enough to replace my plan b?

I've never been without them looming in the back of my head..
I'm shaking.. I'm scared..

What have I done..?

"I will hold on to you, to make sure you don't fall."

"Everything will be okay"

please, try to say it with me...

We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

Its been a while, and so many things have happened. I'm not even sure I want to write any of it down.. As you might has noticed, I'm back to writing poetry. As that is an amazing leap forward, I find myself again, drowning my sadness with alcohol. Tonight when I said I was leaving for food, I ended up on an hour long walk.. that turned into a jog.. I found myself running to the liquor store. Six pack of beer and some sort of mickey.. I wanted vodka. I only know vodka. But vodka makes me craves the blade.. craves the blood and the pain. I know that too well. I got whiskey.

I'm moving out. Things have ended with Jason, and I'm moving out. I'm finding a place. I'm not doing so well holding myself together. I don't want to cause him pain, but hearing his sobs in the shower the other morning.. might have pushed me over the edge. I don't know what to do.. but i know being here hurts him. I have no friends in the city.. there isn't any where for me to go.. what should I do? Why can't I just please everyone.. keep everyone happy.. make them all smile and feel loved.. That's all I wish I could do. 

My heart just has so much love. But all the love I give, ends up hurting people. 

why can't I just love, and be happy..?

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one

3am Twilight Zone

Laying next to you makes me feel even more lonely, then if I were sleeping alone.

But then again, what am I doing?

This is really long distance, 86 hours by train. But.. He is.. *sigh* he writes poetry, cosplays, plays video games and is so caring so sweet.. 

Is that enough, to have all the same common interests? 

Either way, I'm moving out. I can't be in this apartment anymore. School is starting soon.. And I have naya to worry about. 

No.. I have my own sanity to worry about. When I got back from nayas I was 120.9 no more then a week later.. 112.6 I know, and I'm so sorry.. I havent been this low since doing coke everyday for a month. I'm only eating a bowl of rice a day at most.. Some times more.. Mostly less. But one thing is consent, I've been up late drinking. It always comes back to drinking. I wont touch the vodka, the vodka makes me cut. I'm sipping wine, skittle wine, because thats what I use to drink when I would paint, when I would pour my soul into a creation. What ever happened to that?

Your guess is as good as mine.

I'm lonely, so lonely it hurts..

86 hours away by train..

112.6 pounds..

I'm not doing so well..

Then again,

Your guess is as good as mine.

The Poem Never Read

Who I am now, is someone I never intended to be.
For I got lost in the back of my head.
I've told you, it was a maze,
I've told you what I have said
But here we go

In circles we travel,
unwanted this attention,
unneeded this trouble.

Just stand there alone,
gaze up in the spotlight.
People will pass,
children will point.. but
remain where you stand,
a symbol of hope.

My heat was burning,
it did once light our way
out of the center of
this very maze.

If I stop talking
I'm sure you'll be lost,
deeper and deeper into thought..

A walking zombie,
just like I found you..
Tattered, battered,
and possibly decaying..

But that doesn't matter,
its not how thing will end..

I can't see the future,
our time remaining.. but I'll
stand with you so,
I don't fall be hind.

Hold my hand tight,
never let me go..
Be there with me when
the bullet wound shows;

Right through where
my heart use to be
now is a shot.. I bleed.

My life is ending,
you can't save me now..
All this, is some silly,

words written down.
Nothing in ink,
or recorded in a book..

Just pencil and paper,
take another look!

It can be erased,
like magic
it disappears..

With slightly effort,
its gone..
Simply no proof of existent.

Like a Cliff hanger,
this ending..
Two words
can stop it all.

It's nothing to ever,
depend on at all.

My dear,
this..
this is..

The end.