Dreaded To Do List

There is alot running though my head right now.. But maybe I should start here..

"Hello PT, did you miss me?"

I've been gone a while, and then I returned again (in hope of recovery) but I fled, terrified that being amongst these old forums would trigger the old habits I was trying to run away from. Turns out, I didn't need the forums to be triggered. I hit my lowest weight of 108.4.. and that made me want more.. gah.. that sounds silly saying things like that again.. but sadly that's where my mind has slipped back into..

I went away for a vacation, and did what everyone does, we snacked. And after almost a month of not eating more then 500 ish calories a day, all day snacking and the willynilly consumption of gluten left me bloated and feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. 

But I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't have done.. I got back from the hotel, and weighted myself, 115.0

Instant switch flipping, I was triggered. I panicked.

Sitting through the last family meal before going on the bus home, was painful.  Heart pounding, anxiety spiking painful. I started to count. What was on Nanas plate, Aunties plate, Papas plate, Nayas, and then mine. How much have I eaten today, I couldn't recall. But it was more then I should of had. I couldn't possibly eat more. But I had to. And I almost cried at the table. But no one knew.

I forgot how easy these false walls could be built.

Even though these walls were my home for such a long time.. I really am scared of this. I honsetly don't want to slip back in to these habits that I've been fighting so hard to pull myself from. And I thought maybe this time was finally when I'd give in, what's the use fighting over and over if fighting for myself clearly wasn't enough..

But what about my drive for other people? My drive to help and push myself harder then I've ever pushed, if it was to help someone else that truly needed me.. I was talking with my friend about a blood donation that was going on at his school, and how I couldn't donate as I'm anaemic.. Nothing thinking much more about it I got to work and I noticed there was a blood donation truck that was to come 'round closer to the end of the year.. I thought, perhaps this could be my chance.. This could be my goal. 

Recovery to give back like I've never been able to, because there is someone out there that needs my strength.

I want to get well enough to donate blood.

Adverbs and spring break,

Four hour Skype calls, leaving our cheeks sore from smiling.. but now we know, that its more then defiantly, very, pretty-darn sure that its a maybe.

Misunderstandings gone wrong end up feeling like a punch to the heart. Leave you speechless, panicked, unable to breath. This has happened before between us, and I think it's the fact these feelings are so scary that all we can do is think the worst. But like my note book said, if the fear is too much, my arms are always open. 

It will feel like forever till march.. But you my dear, are worth the wait. All we need is those few moments in each others arms, a shy smile, and we'll know. There is a lot riding on this visit.. And I just, hope I'm everything you think I am.. Then again, simply getting the chance to be there, next to you, will be worth it.. Even if I cant call you mine by the end.

Thats a big if.. And with that if I start to worry, but then I remember your smile and how you said those silly three words to me.. That are just words, but you felt them.. No, you feel them.. Youre scared but you said it, and im sure you saw me simply light up.. 

I understand you dont trust yourself.. I dont trust myself much either.. But this is worth the loneliness, the fear and the wait.

You said those words to me.. And I said them right back.. From the bottom of my heart

I love you.

Plushie promises and..

Sushi dates. 

And those few big glasses of wine..

Alice is a very lonely person that craves closeness. Alice is a scared little girl that fears the consequences of saying "no". Alice feels like a whore.

Im in no way proud of what happened. But I cannot sit here and say that it didn't in fact happen.. Im a little fuzzy on the details mind you.. But at some point the night turned from playing at the park to cuddles.. Then closed bedroom doors. 

He is most definitely a Dom, in the way he doesn't ask, he requests. Straight forward, to the point. As a small meek person, I'm no good with directness.. So a direct request from a large intimidating person, ends up coming off as a demand. Ive been in demanding relationships.. You don't say no. 

Saying no is something I've gotta work on.. And I gotta work on it fast, cause.. 

He wants me to be his Sub. 

This simply terrifies me.

Part of me is worried that Little Alice the push over has let this go on too far.. That its too late to cut ties. But I'm scared what he would do if I spoke up.. Sure Subs have a say in the rules of the game, but the Dom is the Dom, they choose how the game within those rules is played.

So going to lunch, turns into a date.

Im doomed.

Drinking games, hang overs..

And things that shouldn't've happened.

Drinking and cuddles.. I think we are just lonely people.

But it happen. And I'll shrug it off.

I feel I should write more..

Maybe another time

Mistah Jay,

And Buttons Mom.

I got a hug. A big warm thoughtful hug. He said I looked cold, and to be honest I was shivering.. So I got held while we waited for my skytrain. Even made me take his Vinyl Scratch scarf for my bike ride. I've got to admit, it was very sweet. And I stayed warm all the way home. 

I'm a little unsure about this new friend though.. But we are going to hangout on Wednesday, so we shall see where this goes. 

Sleepless nights, and love poems.

Heart pain is the worst.
This pain.. is so unnecessary..

I know how you feel, how strongly you care for me.
And I hope you understand that those feelings were never one sided.
As I care for you and about you to no end.

I could never begin to express how much your presence ment to me with all that's been happening as of late..

And regardless of events.. You brought me back to art, writing, true friendship, and smiling.
Most importantly, to love.

And yet, I push you away.. waiting for something that might never happen.
Yet wanting to ask you.. to wait for me.

I'm a very selfish person.. I realize this.

 And I'm terrified that I'll loose your friendship though this.
 That's something.. I truly couldn't bare to loose.

I'm sorry my dear.. I'm nothing but trouble.

Sleepless nights, scary dreams.

I'm not sure where I stand.

Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been in this position.
And like I said.. I'd gladly wait, for as long as I had to.

But a part of me thinks, I'll get those ears and just be.. his little cat girl.
 Or as the pages of my sketch book would suggest.. his little anthro fox.

Maybe that's all there is to it. A furry rp romp.
 And thats fine, cause I know he is very much my wet dream.

Who am I to ask for more?

I've got his kindness, compassion and friendship.. what more could I need?
And again..

Who am I, to ask for more?

My Friends

I was going through life, thinking I was so alone. 

Thinking I had no "irl" friends.

I was wrong. I do have real friends. 

They are the ones that lift my spirits and give me hope. 

That make me smile and laugh when I've been in the deepest of blues.

No, many of these amazing people I've never met in person. 

But you know what, that doesn't change a single thing.

 They are my best friends, and they mean the world to me. 

And I really don't know what I'd do with out them.

Take my hand, let's explore.

With you.. I wouldn't want anyone else.

Give me love like her,
'Cause lately I've been waking up alone,
Pain splattered teardrops on my shirt,
Told you I'd let them go,

Maybe I've been lying to myself this whole time.. Maybe.. as corny as it is, I just had to find my "one" that person that simply got me.. Maybe these feelings are just because I can't have you. But even though it's just like I do have you.. I know I don't.

And that I'll fight my corner,
Maybe tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood turns into alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.

Maybe this is cause I've never been in the friend zone before.. and your attention is what I crave.. and I know I can hold it. We both know better.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,

But.. I want you, and I care about you, I love you, please, just.. Just give me a chance. With you, I wouldn't stray, with you, I'd give up chasing girls. With you.. I'd be yours.. Solely yours.

Give me love like never before,
'Cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,

And as scary as it is to admit.. I've never felt that way before.
Maybe your my one? .. Maybe it's cause I can't have you.. But, I'd be willing to test the waters..

Even if nothing happens.. even not for a long while, I'd still be here..
Cause to me.. To me, your worth the wait..

[She.]

Covered in pink ribbon scars.

Shallow cheeks, white porcelain
Protruding ribs, tile floor
The empty stomach dance begins.

Mia, don't whisper softly in my ears
Hold me up as I faint.

Courage, courage, come
You're only as strong
As your will to fight.

Numbers, numbers, numbers
There is safety in numbers.
Grams, ounces, calories
Record them, memorize them
Recite them by heart.

Fingers, are cold.
Hands, will shake.
"It's not easy to fight
Just, give in."

Numbers, numbers, numbers
There is safety in numbers.

Say Something..

This is where I'd write what I'm feeling.. This is where I'd write whats running through my head..

But everything feels a little numb..
and I can't put words into sentences or even start to tell my fingers what to type.


I'm not sure I'm doing okay.

I just hope.. I just hope that he is.

Courier, and other forgotten drafts.

I'm not sure what I'm doing. 
I'm starring at a blank page, shaking, wanting to

cry?scream?breakdown?

I'm not sure, I just want something to happen.. something to be set in motion.


I've started wearing my sports bra again.
Because the slightly pressure around my ribs makes me feel like I'm being held.

I've forgotten what a hug feels like.


I'm very alone.

Thoughts Jotted Down

Scribbled in my note book,
Ink on my arms.

I've come to realize, that I'm a part of many people's lives,
but these relationships.. they form fast, but strong, deep and true.

I'm only in these peoples lives because I need them, they need me.

In most cases these bonds don't last very long.
Many times they will last a few years at most.

But one factor is true across the board, I stay until I'm no longer needed

"I'm no longer needed" - and that happens, in all cases.

I'm in these peoples lives to show them a true compassionate friendship, a deep meaningful love.

To show them they are needed, they are cared for, and valued.
And in return are able to care and love others as well.

I have a deep heart, and wish to bring these people happiness..

But, that's one thing that makes it so much harder letting go

Because at some point, I have to go. I have to show them loss.
Show them life really is okay and love goes as quickly as it comes.

I have to be there, but only until I'm no longer needed.

I'm that person.

There is nothing out there but loss for me. and that's okay, because I get to share love.

Because loss, I can live through, over and over again.

Because every new time, the love is so much stronger, and so much more meaning full.

Then again, at the end, I'm still so very alone.

Long Nights, Soft Sighs

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours

I'm not sure what level I'm on.

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now.

Let me be your 'leccy meter and I'll never run out
And let me be the portable heater that you'll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion (I wanna be)
Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean
I wanna be yours

I Swear This Time I Mean It

If luck is on my side tonight
My clumsy tongue will make it right
And wrists that touch
It isn't much, but it's enough
To form imaginary lines
Forget your scars, we'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh God, please make this last

My room is almost all set up.. I can now lay on my bed, look up at the walls and smile. This, this is my space. This is what I've been waiting for, what I've been craving for so long. 

'Cause I'm outdated, overrated
Morning seems so far way

I got to unpack my art supplies.. The paints and clay that have been living in boxes for 9 months or more.. I almost cried realizing how much I missed my art, and how finally, I can just live. I can finally just be. Don't get me wrong.. I've done a lot of growing, and learned a lot about myself whilst living with others.. However, I honestly believe this is what I've needed.

You could crush me
Please don't crush me
'Cause baby I'm a dreamer for sure
And I won't let you down
I swear this time I mean it

"I honestly believe this is what I've needed." Not sure why that line makes me laugh a little.. It's only been a few days into the year, and it's started with so much change. But, when I leave the house, after the sky grows dark, I can look up, and finally.. I can see stars. And they, are so damn beautiful. 

Letters In The Mail...

And Sappy country songs on the radio..

I haven't written in ages, and now I cant seem to write fast enough.

"It's no lost to me.."

I know you didn't mean it like I took it..
But those words keep ringing in my ears..

The move went alright, a few bouts of bickering.. but it's done. And I'm all moved in with an old friend from Abbotsford. Its sad, but simply just hanging out with him these last few days, has been the most human contact I've had in a while.. We are just sitting around and bullshiting, but I can tell that this is the most either of us has laughed in a while. And it feels so good to laugh. 

We had a cupboard full of soup and a freezer full of juice,
and we are adults now.

And I'm loving every moment of it. 

[Obligatory New Years Day Post.]

I realized this morning.. This is the first post of my fifth year writing this blog. 

I've been here, and pouring my soul out to this blog, for four whole years. And I've just gotta say, so much has happened.. So many people that I've met that have truly helped me through so many things. I'm honestly not sure I'd be here today, still writing, if it wasn't for the amazing friends I've made. 

Through this blog, I've hit rock bottom, and experienced complete happiness. I've fought and overcome so very much through my time here.. I've dropped out of school, and then worked very hard to still graduate. I've traveled to a few new places, and seen amazing sights. I've grown as a person, and I think I'm finally starting to find out who I really am.

As cliche as it really is, This Is Just The Beginning.

I'm scared and so very excited. 

Life is starting, and I'm ready to see where I can go.