Take A Seat..

This Will Be Quite The Post.

I've been feeling really bad as of late, mostly for leaving you all in the dark. I've noticed there is 12 of you following my very dull blog, and I figured I should give you a reason to stick around.

SO! The last few days I've work more mussels then I thought I had.. And well when your first day of work is a lovely 9 and a half hours on your feet, you know your in for a long ride. So Yes This Does Mean I've Got The Job At The Deli. And That I'm Working Crazy Hours. But then it all comes down to the stress. Gotta Love The Little Things. The stress I'm referring to, Is Of Coruse My School Work. That, ever since the Doc gave me anit-depressants, has yet to been moved.. That was 3 and a half weeks ago. Then there is my weight. 116 ish. Then I binged, Then I got my time of the month, then I binged again. I refuse to step on that scale until my blooting goes away from this horrid girly blessing. Oh And A Note For The Wise. If Your On A Bugget But Just Have To Binge. The Bulk Candy Isle Is Gods Blessing. Then again maybe not.. Considering I ate 3000 cals Worth of M&m's In a day. Mmmm... M&m's Are My Current Crack. So yes, In bigning this dose mean I've fallen off the vegan wagon yet again. I talked to yannic about it, and he thinks I should stick to being vegan, That If I'm This Upset Over A Few Eggs Then Its Apparent I Want To Keep At It. And well he was right in saying it could curb my binging.. until I start vegan baking, like a chocolate cake.. Oh Woah Is Me. I've yet to talk to yannic about getting a binder.. I want one.. so damn badly.. but I just dont think he'd take kindly to it.. I mean hearing this information he’d start to wonder. I mean.. wouldn’t he? When his girl friend would rather be neutral gendered then a girl, rather, his girl friend feels neutral gendered.. hell.. I don’t know what i feel i am.. I’m confused to what i see, and as to what i see myself as. I want to be that chic little indie girl, with the retro soft toned dress and the cute little button hat. And the next minute i am ashamed i want such things, such attention. And i wish myself invisible, I wish that i was neither boy nor girl. So that things would be easier. Then again.. when has anything been easy. My last post, when i said nothing was going well, wasn’t a lie neither was it all true. A few hours later Yannic showed up, and well.. damn i missed him. Everything feels so much more together with him there. I feel myself brimming with happiness. And a tearing sadness at my edges. Cause i know he must go soon. He has things to do, we both lead such busy life's. He asks me how my days apart have gone. I want to tell him that they were great, but they weren’t. I don’t want him to know how much i’m struggling. How the blue days have engulfed me. How I crave to cut again. How i miss that pain. And how i think it will be the only stable thing. I need his help, but i’m scared to ask. Only cause i’m not sure what i’m asking for. I know i need my life to be more stable. I may look together. But i’m a wreck right now. I feel so damn disconnected from it all. My life is flying passed. I’m going no where. I want to ask for help. But i don’t want him to hold my hand and guide me through it all. I just need a hug. Right now thats all I want.