Mal's Mix "Tape",

 [and some other things.]

Disk one,

/play

I'm going to write a proper reply. You deserve so much more than these petty blog call outs. I'm going to rewrite you a proper reply, I'm sorry if it will take some time, but it's on it's way. I promise.

Snail mail, proper letter. I need to sit down and put my thoughts into words. A long talk does need to happen, but for now, please wait for my reply. Alot is happening right now which has delayed everything I've needed to get to, from sewing projects, to this.

Don't think I've brushed you completely off. Even though your number was blocked back then and still prevents messages coming through, I did hear the voice mail.

I understand it's been months, but thank you for waiting. I appreciate it.

Schrodinger's Gift Box

Life and death and love and peace and.

Happiness on the planet Earth.

My heart sank. I was expecting my Kickstarter dice set, but the box was much larger. Markings of my sister. However, your writing, your name, they got stuck in my throat like dusty summer air. I coughed.

Took off my glasses and tried to see something else on that label. 

There you were. 

I gawked. Slack jawed. It was truly from you, addressed to me. Time jump started and possiblities rushed to me. Was it a prank? Spring loaded with glitter? Bees? Naw, I'd enjoy those. "Fragile" and slightly heavy. What went through your mind on the way to the post office? Do you have snow out there?

How long has it really been?

What's in the box?

I'd be lying if I said I was surprised. Some how I knew snail mail would be our first contact after the distance. Only thing that seemed fitting. All that time apart, which felt like ages, blurred.

What's in the box. 

I thought about not opening it. I put it under the bed when I got home, tried not to think about it. If I didn't open it, everything might stay the same. If I do open it, everything might change. 

Both options had positive and negative sides. 

Am I ready?

Focus,

Toby breathe, this is important.

Deep breath, comes a thought.

Clary Sage and Peppermint

And going a full half hour with out speaking.

The underwater levels are the worst.

You've reached out, asking to speak again after not very long. To be honest, I'm not sure what I should do. Yes I miss your companionship, but it seems like the bad out way the good. We are both toxic to one another. Perhaps in passing we will see each other again, at cons or on the tube. But I'm not good for you and you aren't the best for me. Maybe we just need to grow, and reassess what we need. Then touch back again? 

With you gone, I realize how I've alienated everyone that I could have called a friend. I've pushed myself away from my lovers, away from old lovers hoping to stay friends, from tubers, from everyone that reached out and extended a friendship offering.

At what point does being an introvert
 become harmful to my life
and mental stability?

On The Next...

Season Three, Episode Four

I am fine.

You asked for space, and I realised I needed some too.

My mind is all over the place.
My heart is all over the place.

My life is starting to ..

Please, know I'm here. But I need to be away.

To Your Kindred Soul, And It's Journey, Blessed Be.

I strongly feel I'm straying far from my path. I've only jumped from one commitment to the next, never thinking I need time for me. 

Each time only seeing the reasons to stay. 

I crave to be in the forest. My toes in the grass, my head in the clouds. Earths song singing to my soul. 

I am a Druid. 

This concret city is no good for me. It's disconnected people, it's harsh cold personality. 

Each new commitment keeps me here. Not unwillingly of course. I do enjoy the diversity and the endless possibities that a large city such as this can offer me. But I know I need to set my priorities. 

I need the forest. I need my path. I need my art, my craft. 

If this is unacceptable for my partners, then I need to part ways. This is my life, I need my path. There is far too much in my life I crave to stay in this cage. 

I'm sorry loves, this only hurts for now. 

If you love me, truly, deeply, and truly so, you'll support me. 

Please understand. 

This is for my soul, my life. 

Where and when I'll truly be happy, complete.

Reshaking an eight ball, need another answer.

I'm coming around to finally giving in. 

Giving in to the fact my sex drive is non-excitant.

I'm not broken (though it could be the meds)

I'm okay really (never liked sex)

I'm sure things are okay (Mike doesn't ask for anything anyways)

Haven't I always felt this way?

Honestly, I can't recall. I know as far as I can think back, I've never instigated sex. Kissing, yes. Mutual masterbation? Quite a few times. Mostly just cuddles, and playing with their hair. Soft kisses. Being held. I've enjoyed sex, though it mostly becomes enjoyable half way through and I'll get turned on. The other times, I'm just waiting for it all to be overed. So I can cuddle. 

Not that I don't enjoy the closeness, the sweaty bodies in motion, coming together, feeling one. 

But I can have that without sex. I truly prefer it without sex.

Though it's not worrisome on my behalf, I'm content like this. 

However it seems, EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET, likes sex. A lot. 

I'm happy to pretend though, I know it would only hurt others more if I didn't. 

Sexual attraction seems very important. 

But what do I know about courtship?

Wrote in mornings first light, Reread in mornings soft dusk.

I'm not sure in this moment I'm able to explain how I feel.

Warmth, and comfort. Sturdy and safe. 

Home. 


I know.. I need your energy and your smile in my life,
regardless of who we are to each other.. For the rest of our companionship.

I just need you.

You are more then just another person in my life, so much more than simply, friend.

You are to me, Mal.



A three letter word that means late nights, heavy laughter, and little smiles.

I've learnt so much in the short time we've been friends about myself.
Most importantly, I can be cared for, no matter how unloved my true self feels at times.

But more then anyone, you are listening.
and that speaks so further then little breaths held in.

I know that messages sent, are read, are heard and felt.

I am felt, all who I really am.
Finally felt.

Regardless how scared I feel, when raw truth is said out loud. 

I know in my heart, open arms are there.

And in return, I am here,
Please let me be here.

Number one, engage.

Cider and chatting. 

Rocky but working. 

Rocking from waves of voice under action. Or lacking.

Voice is being heard.

Seems like the first time in years.

I'm finding.. Making. Myself a home. 

Home Sweet Home. 

TNG, cider, and lighthearted chatter. 

But here I am. 

Blade in drawer.

And here I am.

Lunch purged out. 

So.. Here I am. 

Confused, medicatied, and so very scared. 

I am here.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. 

I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety.  

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. 

I am creative. I am smart. 

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.

I am not my mental illnesses. I am not my failures. 

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. 

I am gentle. I am caring. 

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.

I am not over weight. I am not slow. 

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. 

I am fiesty. I am strong. 

Breathing in, I know I am here. 

I've earned self respect. 

Breathing out, I know I am here. 

I've earned my self love. 

You are here.

I'm finding it hard to breathe as of late. 

Perpetually tired, though that could be the depression. 

About two weeks ago my meds were upped to 20mg, two full white little pills, each morning. 

The first few days I was filled will hope, I felt happier, I felt.. Okay. 

However, these past few nights have been rough. I'm not sure if it's just extra shifts I've been working, or not feeling enough. But I've been having pretty intense anxiety attacks.

Softly cried last night as I went to bed at four pm. My chest pounding, the urge to cut open my arms was so overwhelming I started to shake. 

Slept for 14 hours. 

It's hard having a creative mind. I see all these endless possibilities for my space, to create and for my life. But I'm unable to make any of them happen. Currently the appartment is still covered in boxes. Things laying about everywhere. I'm trying the best I can to sort and reagrage so we have a living space. But it seems I'm the only one pushing for this. I do understand that he has never lived on his own, and that he doesn't have a connection with living spaces, or how they are set up. It's starting to feel like this is my apartment, and he is free loading. Don't get me wrong, he does his chores (now that I've made the chore chat) and he will clean up, if I ask. But I've always got to ask. There was a pile of towels and cleaning rags that sat in the hallways for three weeks.. I picked them up and put them away yesterday. Simple things like that.. Or dishes to be brought in.. Or the door to be locked. If I don't get up and do things, it will never be done. "Anything I can do to help?" Endless questions when I start doing any of the chores needed to be tended to, (after I get home from work) I don't mean to get short with him.. But I know he's only sat on the couch and watched Netflixs all day. It's frustrating. End rant. 

I didn't harm. But I thought very hard about it. About how useless and worthless my life is. About how I get up, spend all day at work on imgur, or my phone, come home, watch tv, sleep. I miss adventures, I miss going outside, I miss doing anything. I miss art, and crafting, and sewing, and cooking, and smiling. I miss waking up and not taking pills. 

I woke up and contemplated taking all of them. 

Little white pills that filled my palm. 

Just two.

Only two.

I lied, I never flushed my stash. 

I tossed some out when I moved out of the apartment a year back, but, I still have most of them.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. 

I'm useless. 

A glass of wine.. Or two?

And I'm all ready to mingle. 

I think I've been keeping up with the scoial demands that Mikes' family is placing up upon me, Give me a glass or two of wine, and I'll happily sit and make little chit chat with whom ever. 

Not saying it'll be okay. Not saying it'll be nice.

But I'll happen. 

That plus a year, and food. You'll have an alright Ember with enough to say and do enough that is expected.

I even came downstairs willingly this time. Started conversations before wine, and stayed to chat after the wine was out. I've earned extra stars! 

Outside of this progress, I've been working towards secret keeping and whispering to only myself and bear. 

Landing me at 120.3 lbs down from 128. 

Say what you what, it's from will and determantation. 

Though cafine pills sure do help keep my hands busy on days off..

I'm not doing so well. 

Only you and Tio know this. 

And the girl at the check out. They one that saw my pills and desperation. 

With in notes..

To blog?

Things written and perhaps posted..

Things have been going down stream. Purging when I'm a little scared.

But I've made it to 120. (Though, 120 on his mum's scale is a few pounds more then mine.) But I'll take it! It is far less then I've been in a long while though. My only goal right now was to fit my corset anyways. 

It scares me though, can't over fill these messurments. 

Skipping meals to drink. Wine and gin are better than food. Always. 

One thing has led to another...

And I've been purging. (Only twice, I'm okay now)

And I've acquired diet pills. (Vegan things that control hunger? Sorta?)

And I'm okay will this. Cause I feel that this needed to happen. 

I've got a plan to fit more so into my cosplay come May.. But more so I'd really like to prove guppy wrong. He thinks this "unhealthy eating" isn't bad? Oh I'll show him. 

Workout daily, restricted eating. I won't fall back on purging and pills like before, it's not like it was before. I'm in control this time. And honestly, it's the only thing letting me get through all this transphobia. 

I'll hit my goals. I'll show him. He needs to start eating and isn't aware how bad it will get. 

In other news; depression is fun. I'm talking again with phasor too, which is really nice. I've missed his companionship. Like I do, I worry. I do he is capable of so so much, that big brain of his. I still feel as if I've let him down walking away when it got hard. I just knew I couldn't help him in ways that he needed me. I was going through things, and honestly couldn't give him the attention and love he needed. No matter how much I wish I could. Makes me regret what happened on my visit even more so.. I was hit with such a huge wave of blue and wasn't in any state to care for another. And it was wrong of me to put it on his shoulders. I think it would have been easier staying in bed, like we promised the last time we were together. 

Lack of communication.. Just the thing I'm good at. And always fails me. 

I've been getting better though. These pills have helped and I'm seeing so much improvement. Just got to keep working. And well, that's the plan. So fingers crossed! 

How do you measure a year?

I think I will choose to measure it in love. 

So much has happened over the past few months, that it's truly hard to believe I'm only now 24. 

I know that doesn't sound like a huge milestone, but to me, this soul has traveled many more miles then that. I do believe in the concept of reincarnation, that the soul travels through many live times and continues to learn and grow until it has reached inlightenment and can finally transend. 

Not that in any way saying, however, that my soul is ready for that stage. It's just nice to think that I've made it over many humps, jourenys and battles to only now begin to discover self love and happiness within that. 

I am fully aware there is so much further to go within that quest alone, but I feel the hardest parts are past me as I walk now with sturdier footing and a stronger stride. Of which I should feel proud. 

The coming year will bring many new trials, with which many more opportunities to learn and grown. Hopefully coming out on the other side in better shape. Not every attempt will be a successfull one on it's first go, I know, but a little optuimisum never truly hurt anyone. 

Today was bright and clear, t-shirt weather as I went downtown to pick up more fabric for my Gala Lyra cosplay. Work went by faster then normal, though I felt like poop till noon. I know I should sleep more, but with in this depression I feel I never quite get enough. Earlier to bed, less coffee, etc etc. Things I know but never take action for.

Spend the day looking up cosplay ideas for August. Things I know I can make but would like to take time off to do other things. Not truly I guess, I do love a project, even more so when sewing and crafting is part of it. So perhaps I was just looking for new ideas. That and I know my gala dress won't go over too well at just a regal anime convention so I'd like to push for something else. Even though something cheap will be around two hundred ish.. This is in no way a cheap hobby!

And Rent. I've been drawn so deeply into this musical. Curse you Mal! 

Via la vie Boheme!~

2016 and the adventure of possibilities

It's be quite a while, so long infact that I'm getting nervous sitting here thinking what to write.

Many times I thought I was through with this blog, that I was at a point in my journey that no longer required this space. I think perhaps I'm not quite there just yet.

I've tried to pick up journalling, good 'ol paper and pen. Though despite my well meaning attempts my hands cramp too fast, there is no spell check, and I always worry to carry it with me, as to who's eyes might find it. I know posting this online means many more eyes would ever see this then a notebook, but somehow it seems safer. Being anonymous at it's finest.

It's the new year, 2016 is bright shining and new. With so many possibilities at my finger tips. I tried to reflect on my 2015 experience without much luck. I've got a terrible memory and only have facebook posts and huge events to go off of. Even though I couldn't give you a month or date of these events off hand, even which order they go in.. And it got me sad. There is so much I missed in 2015, so much I lived through, and forgot. I don't want this year to be the same.

After spending the afternoon looking through password protected journal apps, I found one and figured it best that it will do for my on the go. Where I can jot down happenings and update here once a week or something. Breath some life into this dusty old blog. I don't want to forget this year, or let it just pass me by.

Along with a new year comes resolutions. While I sort of shake my head and smile at these, it's always fun to think up a few ways that I could work on myself. To me, self improvement should come when you realize you need it, not just once a year cause everyone else is joining a gym. However, it's nice to jot down a few goals, and start a plan.

2016 Goals/Dreams/Scheme:   (scheme is a freak'n weird word)

• Be healthy enough to donate blood (This is always on my list. And one day I'll get there)
• Figure out my food allergies and intolerances (Something in my tummy doesn't like apples.)
• Stop drinking beer (As much as I adore beer, my tummy doesn't)
• Complete X paintings (grater than 5ish? *shrugs*)
• Go back to school for costume design 
• Pay off student loans (before attending a new school)
• Say no, when needed. But also to say yes, when anxiety tries to tell me not to.
• GET A KITTEH. 
• Move in with SO~ <3 li="">