And I've acquired diet pills. (Vegan things that control hunger? Sorta?)
And I'm okay will this. Cause I feel that this needed to happen.
I've got a plan to fit more so into my cosplay come May.. But more so I'd really like to prove guppy wrong. He thinks this "unhealthy eating" isn't bad? Oh I'll show him.
Workout daily, restricted eating. I won't fall back on purging and pills like before, it's not like it was before. I'm in control this time. And honestly, it's the only thing letting me get through all this transphobia.
I'll hit my goals. I'll show him. He needs to start eating and isn't aware how bad it will get.
In other news; depression is fun. I'm talking again with phasor too, which is really nice. I've missed his companionship. Like I do, I worry. I do he is capable of so so much, that big brain of his. I still feel as if I've let him down walking away when it got hard. I just knew I couldn't help him in ways that he needed me. I was going through things, and honestly couldn't give him the attention and love he needed. No matter how much I wish I could. Makes me regret what happened on my visit even more so.. I was hit with such a huge wave of blue and wasn't in any state to care for another. And it was wrong of me to put it on his shoulders. I think it would have been easier staying in bed, like we promised the last time we were together.
Lack of communication.. Just the thing I'm good at. And always fails me.
I've been getting better though. These pills have helped and I'm seeing so much improvement. Just got to keep working. And well, that's the plan. So fingers crossed!
I'm glad we're talking again, too. I have missed you.
ReplyDeleteBut I want you to know, I'm not upset about how things ended. Yes, I do wish the visit had gone a little differently, but as you said, we both needed the love and affection, and neither of us were in a position to give it to the other. You needed help in ways I was unable to give, and I needed help in ways you were unable to give.
And I still have yet to mail you that jar of honey. It's coming, I promise. Eventually.
I'm glad we're talking again, too. I have missed you.
ReplyDeleteBut I want you to know, I'm not upset about how things ended. Yes, I do wish the visit had gone a little differently, but as you said, we both needed the love and affection, and neither of us were in a position to give it to the other. You needed help in ways I was unable to give, and I needed help in ways you were unable to give.
And I still have yet to mail you that jar of honey. It's coming, I promise. Eventually.