To Be Honest

I hate myself. 

I'm a worthless friendless stupid fat failure.

I don't deserve that groups kindness. 

but i deserve the zillion pounds I'm going to put on over night from everything I ate. 

I miss my 600 and under for a week.. what happened?! I'm lucky to stay under 1200! ><

I want to take all the sleeping pills I have and forget about it all. I want to never wake up and feel the guilt of dumping my BS on others. 

I can't deal.. 

I can't deal with mirrors or jeans or tshirts or the feeling my of stomach stretching and the sweat beading up from the anxiety cause i cant purge and the fat all of it, rolls and curves and numbers

 and how its too much.

 I just want to sleep.sleep and never wake up. 

is that too much to ask..

Oh, she wants war.

And war is just what she'll get.
          I hit 118.5 today. That makes my BMI 21.0 (That makes The 30 Day loss, 14 lbs)

 I want more.

I'm sorry.

I Can't Save Me From My Self.

ipurged.

GrumbleGrumble.

Last Pill. They Are Gone.

The week went okay, under 600 each day. Till yesterday and Sunday. 1200 + 1000.. Gah. I fail. I'm huge. Wine wine wine.. Blah.. okay. Back on track today, I hope. Birthday is in a week, and I'm not sure I want to be 19.. Its a scary though. Where did my year 18 go? It was gone so fast.. I got a new phone yesterday, its a HUGE step down from my BB, but hey, it works. And I'll be able to update blogger via hotmail from my phone so its a plus. The PT mobile site however.. doesn't work.. which BLOWS! I got a parcel in the mail yesterday, I've yet to pick it up, but i know just what it is :) Its the bracelets I've been waiting for :D

So.. Friday. The BIG day. I'm going to weigh myself, for the frist time in a little over a month. At the doctors office one month ago, (with shoes clothes a sweater belt and breakfast in me) I was 130. (LIES!) so i was most likely 125 ish, maybe a little less. So anything small then that is dandy. I'm hoping 115. But we've all got dreams (98!) and i'll go from there. I am using a tape measure though. from last week i've lost half an inch on my waist and thighs. Now only if it was an all over thing.. I'm still feeling huge :( gah.. I think the smaller I get, the bigger I feel. Which is messed up..

I'll be heading in to the doctors in the next week or sooner, more pills. rather get ones that work. But i like these ones. I hate them with all I've got though.. I had the worse urge to purge last night.. I had that over full feeling and It all got too me.. and the fact they will be in my system for a week + after I stop taking em worries me more! I just want them out! but I know I should keep taking them.. I mean really, I've never been 41 Days Purge Free. Thats a huge thing.

yeah..

so.. funeral.. right. gah..

 I found naya after the service and it was like we were from different worlds. She was fine, not a cover up of being upset fine, she was really doing okay. I felt useless. we sat with her other two friends for the tea, and I felt replaced. the three were talking about the sleep over they had, and the plans for later that night. I was replaced and useless. I didn't know anyone else there and just stood around nodding to their conversation until we awkwardly hugged and I walked home. I realized that sure I've got people there for me. but its the kind of "there" that is a text message conversation. not the kinda "there" that comes over. I haven't seen a "Friend" in about two months. and even then it was a quick hi when i was at work.. 

gosh.. I feel pathetic..

Who Says:

Five. Five Round, White, Little Day Changers. Five, Little Lonely Pills. 

Thats all thats left in the bottle. And To Be Honest, It Terrifies Me. I'm not sure I want to take them any more. I've forgotten what its like with out them. But I know once they are gone, I can purge again. And that thought worries me more. A lots been happening in this week alone. My phone is dieing, I'm secret eating again, I'm keeping up with homework, and am back with the girls on PT. But I guess the fact its a hectic week is cause.. The funeral is today. We all never thought this day would come. And I still don't know how to deal with all these feelings. Its building up and I normally try to drowned them with food, or purge them out of me. But I can't do either. I'm restless and simply tired. I want the little pills to take me over, to let me feel nothing, no sadness or frustration, no fear or hunger. But even then, That Won't Happen Either. 

Just have to breath, and take it one pill at a time.

To Be Honest

I'm so happy you've moved past this all, that your okay now. But I miss being able to confide in you.. I want to tell you whats on my mind and know that you understand completely. I makes me sad thinking it was the only thing that held us together.. We don't talk anymore and I just wish I crossed your mind.

You can't walk away. I know this. You know this. We are running around again and again with the same ending of exploding fights. Just tell me why this keeps happening? Its avoidable. And tears us both to ruin every time. When you walk away, just stop looking back. It's best.

I idolize you. Your tiny, smart, charming, cute, and punk. I wanted to be just like you, you were, and still are, so much more then me. I wish we were closer, the best of best friends. We have so much in common and are so alike, but are just so shy around each other that we arn't as close as we could be.. Just wish I could change that..

I'm not your equal. And feel I'll never be any time soon. Your so far ahead of me and I'm sprinting, attempting to catch up.. hearing about your parties and drunk'n adventures only makes me feel worse.. they make me worry and jealous.. I want to be able to be fun like you'd prefer, and have something to say worth conversation..

You know, if I could let you in, I would in a heart beat. I want to confide in you, let you know how I'm doing, and be able to ask for help when I need it. I'm not sure how I can do that.. I know it will have to be a huge emotional conversation if you ever did want to hear about my brains inner workings.. I'd tell you, not face to face.. But if you ever wanted to know.. I'd tell you. I'd never expect you to understand, but I'd do my best to explain.. I just don't want to dump it all on you if you'd rather I didn't..

Fair Is Fair

And An Update Is Long Over Due.

I'm not too sure whats been up with me as of late. I want to jump the gun with blaming the medication. But to be honest, I'm not sure what I'm medicating any more. This week has been more then eventful, with Mechelle's death, schooling, job interview and damn public transit, I'm very flustered. 

Being by my self often, I've had a lot of time to think, self reflection if you will. And well, I've realized my eating, was indeed emotional. And the purging was as well. Let me explain. I've never really been taught how to deal with emotions, I was told to keep it to my self. Being an only child with a single parent, I was often in my own head and left to take care of myself, I never wanted to bother another with silly feelings or thoughts. Seemed everyone was too busy, I didn't want to be the handful, so I kept it all neutral. In the end that lead to eating when I was sad, nervous, angry, frustrated, and anything in between. It was to push all those void feelings down, cover em up. Over time that turned into wanting it all out. It all became too much. Over whelmed and confused, it turned into purging. I'd devourer everything in sight, when it became too much, down it went, feelings and all. Sure I was left numbed, but to me, it was better then all the confusing emotions. I've never been good at talking about whats on my mind to others, never more then "I'm fine." I think I told others that so much I started to fool myself. When things went down hill with mum, no one knew, and to me, thats how it should have been. Others were going through more horrid things then myself, and again, I didn't want to be a bother. A long while back, when one thing led to another, I had broke down at a friends sleepover/birthday thing, everything came out about mum. That got the ball rolling. I'm not sure where I'd be if I didn't say anything. I don't really want to think about it. Seems I've babbled and lost my train of though.. I'm probably boring you all with this. 

Or another note, got a package from Sarah today, it contained a copy of "Wreck This Journal." by Keri Smith. I own another book by her, Its called, "This Is Not A Book." I did however own a copy of the journal before Sarah sent one to me, but I think I'll really go to town on this one, I mean really, I've gotta make her proud. I'm going to finish it and send it back :) I'm sure she'll get a kick outta that! Besides that, I've got Asia and Cloe's letters to write as well. I'm working on my English again, I mean, its not much, but its better then nothing. I've got another phone call with ACAD lady today, to fill out my application. I'm really stoked! Its the same thing as AI, but well, affordable (Y) I've got a project going with Matt I should start working on as well, boredom really often results in bad ideas, heh. Either way, its a snow ball mailing company, and I've got the job of making a poster! (Shall post when complete) I'm also going to find online copies of the spoken poems I had to review for class. A few really stuck with me, and I wish to share them with you. 

I'd like to take this time to address a comment left for me on a post a while back now. (You know who you are.) I have to admit, I saw it the day you posted it.. I just, well, I was being a coward for waiting this long to answer you, hell answering you this way is still being a coward, but its all I can muster right now. I know you wish to help more, Yannic feels just as helpless, but really.. Its all something I've got to stand up and fight. I know your standing on the sidelines, cheering me on, wanting to be more there for me, I just don't know how to let you in. It took a while to let yannic in, and even now I can't bring myself to tell him everything. Its not as easy as just blurting it all out, Its such a hard mind setting to explain. Hell, I don't understand it some times.. I don't even know if things are better or not anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.. I just wanted you to know that well, I know your there for me if/when I need you. And knowing that helps a lot more then you'd think. It's hard being stuck in your own head with all these thoughts swimming around and thinking there is no one there, but I've got you, yannic, asia, cloe, and many friends I've made from PT. And well, thats a lot more then some ever have. I just wanted you to know your help isn't ever taken for granted. So thank you. And you know if you ever need me, I'll be there with cup cakes and hugs, maybe not as fast, but on my bike and with a smile <3

I know this update was long overdue. But there ya go!

Another Let Down.

I Don't Even Wanna Talk About It.
(So i'll point form it.)

-Passport back by Mar. 24th.
-Art school interview was complete win. Applications tomorrow.
-Job interview was a complete let down.
-Funeral, on Thursday.

-Day three of binge mode.. 

-Day three of the incredibly overwhelming urge to purge
-Back to laxative use. Not abuse. Yet.
-Forgotten what it was like before the meds.
-Forgotten what hunger feels like. Its all numb right now..

I'm fine, really.

I really not  too sure.

Words Passed On From Tainted Thrills:

Now is new

Now is here, and now is not like any other time that has ever been. For right now, it doesn't matter who is to blame or what has held you back.

This is when you can take positive action. This is when you can step away from the problem and into the solution.

You are now free of past assumptions and connected to limitless possibilities. You are newly arrived in this moment, ready to live with more richness and fulfillment than ever before.

If you could choose to experience some specific positive change in your life right now, what would it be? How would it look, what would it feel like and how would it sound?

If there were one small, easily accessible step that you could take right now to begin making that change happen, what would it be? And what would be a step you could take after that?

Imagine, more vividly than ever before, living true to your most treasured dreams and highest values. Now is new, now is here, and now is when you can.

-- Ralph Marston

Long Time No Blog?

Internet was down for the longest time, I guess thats what you get when you rely on stolen wifi. heh.

I'm not sure to even start, alot has happened since the last update, and my thoughts are still swimming. I'll start with todays events. From which I'm still shaken. at 4 this afternoon, my best friends mother went in to cardiac arrest, and was not able to be resuscitated. She passed, and everything is shaken. I know I was never fond of her, as I was the butt of her jokes, and often picked on. But she was my mothers best friend, and she took the news rather hard. I had found out during my shift, and the last three hours I was on auto pilot, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help. Naya is more then shaken, well it was her mother, and I want nothing more then to rewind to this morning when we were complaining about baby sitting, when everything was okay. Feels like there is a gap in normality right now.. I just hope I can help.

Along with the weight of that, I've an art school interview Wednesday, and a job interview Thursday. I do hope both go well, I can't wait to get out of here. As for moving, yannic moves in to the club house come april 1st. Yeah, I'm worried. I mean its a house of senanigans, when they generate and bloom. I know there will be drinking and parties. I just, I hope it all will be okay.

I'm going for my knowledge test soon, and will have my passport things done this weekend. And well, I'll be nine teen at the end of the month. I'm still in one spot. That worries me.

The other day there was a little thing that really got at me, it was all harmless I know, but it still sticks with me. I had asked yannic a math question, and he scoffs and asks me like I should know, (okay, I should know..) And well I don't, I tell him this, and he asks again. I never had anyone sit with me to teach me maths, I never had someone to sit with me and teach me spelling. I don't feel on par with his smarts.. And I know what he said is true, I'm smart where he isn't as he is where I'm not. But I still crave to feel at least on par. I'm years behind, in smarts, in life. I feel like I'm a drag for him. I don't wanna be the couple that eats in silence at restronts. I'd like to be able to talk about things he likes, and enjoys. And I havn't a clue where to start..