Hard Times Ahead

And it begins. One Week In And It Beings. I dont understand it. But its happening. I collapsed in the hallway, a mild blackout. it was terrifying. Now the pains have begun. I cant take tums for the hunger pains. Always the chance i'll take one too many like before. And i wont take a chance on that happening. I just cant wrap my head around why its starting so soon. i've only been restricting to 500 calories a day. sure its 1700 under what i should be in taking. and 1000 under what my body needs to function properly. but so soon? i've gone a week with out any form of food and the pains didnt arise. maybe this time its different. but what ever it is. it hurts. i wish i could just curl up and sleep. wake up when everything is better. when everything makes more sense. when all this useless BS harm i'm doing will stop. i dont want to be like this, but i am. and i just dont know how to make it stop. well i know, but its so damn hard  by myself. i'm all alone in this. and its down right terrifying. I dont know why i bother with this blog. why i bother trying to understand whats happening. i should just revert in to my old ways. it didnt work out then either but at least it was numbing. maybe if i stop writing here and just keep it all in, it'll make things easier. i wont bother yannic or lloyd again with my silly problems. i'll paste on my old smile and continue on like everything is fine. i've learned before to keep my mouth shut. i can easily do it again.