Comming down to timing

I just hope its not all too late.
Everything has fallen through.
And i need you now more then ever.

Everyone had begun to walk away.
I need a familiar smiling face.

I need your hand in mine right now to make me strong.

But i'm terrified its all too late.

She ? is lost.

I'm back to binding. Back to hideing my breasts.
I already wear the baggy guy clothes,
 so now its just that much harder to tell.
I'm not sure why i hide.
Maybe to be more invisable?
Maybe to prevent more harm?
Maybe i'm just that much more lost.
Just wish i knew.

I'll Try

Only For You, I'll Push Onward.

Attempt The Impossible.

Go Down Kicking.

Make You Proud.

In Truth

I Know Your Concerned, But What Can I Tell You?

Clearly Not The Truth. You Could Never Handle The Truth.

I've Begun To Push You Away Again.

I'm Not Sure If I Mean To Or Not. But Its Happening.

You've Noticed To.

Always Act Like A Wounded Puppy, Blame Your Self.

Its Only Cause You Dont Understand.

Its Only Cause I Keep You In The Dark.

I Know I Miss You.

I Know There Is A Rose Tinted Montage,

Of Last Summer Always Playing When I Think Of You.

I Know Its Not Right To String You Along

Hopes For That Time To Return.

I Know It Wont.

I'm Just Unsure..

Terrified I'm Walking Away Of Something I'll Regret

Terrified I'm Letting My Self Down

Terrified He Is Right

I'm Just Simply Scared.

Right Now I'm Alone, Surrounded, Crowded, And So Very Alone.

I Need To Talk It All Out With Someone

Figure Out Where I'm Going Wrong

But No One Knows Everything..

I Wish Someone Did

I Wish I Could Be Brave Enough To Let Someone In

To Let Someone Know

To Let Someone Help

I Need To Be Held

Told It Will All Be Okay

I Need To Stop Crying Myself To Sleep

I Need To Know When Things Have Gone Too Far

I Need To Be Able To Hand Over Control

Cause No Matter How Many Time I Say It

I'm Not Fine

I Dont Have Everything Under Control

I Wont Be Okay..

I'm Surrendering. I Need Your Help. Its All Too Much. Too Much For Me To Face Alone. And I'm Alone. And Its Terrifying. I've Never Wanted To Be Close To Anyone. Cause Everyones Just Hurt Me. Told Me I Was A Lost Cause. Time After Time. And I'm Starting To Think They Are All Right. Save Me From Myself. Please..

This Will Be What You Make Of It.

To my Prince.

I said all that I could. I tried to tell him he was better off with out me. I only cause pain. I only cause problems. Wish he would have listen sooner.. I never ment for this all to happen. But it has. I tried to change. He wont believe me. But i tried so hard to change. for him. and I only hurt him. I'm not worth love. Or worth to be cared for. Cant he see this? everyone who falls for me, i tell them. I'm no good. Run now. They never do. They say I'm amazing. I'm deeply flawed. Just wish he could see how better off he will be.

Take My Hand

It'll Be Okay.
Hold Me Close.
Take My Breath Away.
Completly My Ikuto..
Forever Your Amu..

This Time I Know

And He Said:

Eisenherz says:

 you flunk and your going to regret it. god i cant beleive abotu too say this,  your goign to end up liek your mom one day. you demonstarte the very essence of a coward. and thats all you are.  is a coward. instead of faceign life you would ratehr grovel in a corner. make up lame excuses. sayyou dont care. let your self die so you can justify your own stupid mistakes. ahaha sara i always knew you were weak

i always knew i couldnt trust you. i knew you wouldflip on me. i stayed aroudn for my personal gains. ill admit there was love but i figured afetr thnking about breakign up with you about 4 months in there is still soem benefits here. i stuck around but i grew to care i geuss. what can say  i was a monster i just wish i could watch you bleed.. haha i mean there is merdurous intent. your truly an amazing human being. haha you make life interesting to see the true peak of human imperfection is stunning and in all people it wasyou. i dotn care there is no reason other then it beign usless. i dotn care HAHAAH

 you keep tellign yoruself that yoru still asshurt that yannic left your fuckin ass. i feel abd for the goof putting up with the lieks of you haha. your a coward, a quitter, a waste fo flesh, a disloyal bitch

 you are yoru mother a compulsive liar, lazy. obviously not very intelligent. and the newest one a ho. the one thign you always said you werent. you have become. im not playign into your mind game sara. that you dotn care about anything. thats a croc of shit and you knwo it your just tryign to protect your sorry ass so you dont have to think about anythign or be guilty. i did love you i now realize thatwas acollosal mistake. but the benefits were nice. haha you cant kid me sara im not stupid im not your gayss little friends why dont you grow up get the cock out of your ass and just live and stop being a retard yeah? i mean your not fooling me. your an idot im not going to care because its not worht it. truly the words of someone with no grasp of logic what so ever. its not worth it because you wont do anythign worth while ever. too busy being butt hurt and fucking all the time too knowother wise. must have takin one too many hits to the head because of the head board XD but atleast your good for somethign even if it is a sex doll hahahaha your lucky you arent anywhere near me i dotn know whetehr id laugh till i cried or make you cry when i fuckin belt you one XD i think all that acid, hash and whatever else you had has fryed you haha. ill always have yoru back one way or another sara .ill talk to you later. haha i talk to you because i enjoy it your smart and fun to talk to goodnight and sweet dreams haha

Walking Away

from myself, from dreams, from all hope.

I just dont want to care anymore. I'll be dropping violin lessons today to. Im a failure at that to. Just kidding myself. I need the money for saving anyways. I'll move back with my mother, that abusive hag, and work at 7-11. I wont be able to amount to much more then that anyways.

His Words..

I'm going to drop out. I wont be able to graduate anyways.
Tomorrows my last day. Handing in my text book. Saying Goodbye.
Steven Was Right. I'm Not Good Enough For Bigger And Better Things.

Time After Time

Self Harming Habits Break Through 

Left Cold, Tear Stained, And Blood Pooling.

That One Moment

Every thing was perfect. Laying Close, Arms Around Me. Talking about nothing, and still not wanting to miss a single moment. Then I Was Empty. He said something I thought he'd never say. I wanted to hide. To disappear. To Be Destructive. The Next Moment I Could Recall I Was Locking The Bathroom Door And Fixing My Self. I Was Empty And Still Disgusting. I wanted to move out there and ask him to help me stop being so destructive. And there i was on the bathroom floor. I just wanted to be perfect for someone.. for him.. and i'm still left next to the cold porcelain.

But He Never Knew.

Art School..?

I've Discided To Decline The Art School Offer. I Wouldnt Do Well Anyways. I Dont Have The Talent To Excel. I Promised Him I'd Come Back. Anyways. I Cant Let Him Down. I've Gotta Return. I Just Want Him To Be Happy. And To Me, 

My Happiness Dosent Matter.

Every.Thing.Is.Numb.

I cant breath. I cant move. I cant feel.

Everything Was Perfect.

Iwashappy..sodamnhappy.

In his arms finally..

OnlyToBe

RIPPED AWAY SO SOON

I'm terrified..

So Alone..

From different worlds:

But I Need You More Then I'd Ever Let On.

And You Should Know.

MENGERY!

get yours here!

I'm gone..

Stop yourself. For my sanity. Just Please..
Refrain From Shoving Those Words Down My Throat.

Gonna Go Something Like This..

Saturday, After All This Time, 

I'll Be Able To Give You 

That Hug I've Promised You 

Oh So Long Ago.

Miserable At Best

"And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet"

43 Days

I'm Nervous.

Simply Terrified.

...

The Down Low:

I talked with Rhonda today, she told me that the school funding will be covered till I'm 24. So I could take two years off if I so fancied. Cause as it turns out, after talking with Fransisco, I can only take five months of my program online. The rest has to be on campus. But it'll work out. I could always spend a while in Edmonton, a year perhaps, maybe a year and a bit, start my course there, move down to the Burnaby campus to continue. By the time I'm done my year one, he'd be done his schooling. And well.. I hope he'd want to join me down in Vancouver. I dont think anything has fit together so well like this. The only bump being.. trying to explain it to Yannic.. But its got to be done. I talked with Cloe today, she even said I needed to do something to make myself happy. And I know this is the right thing to do.

just need to find boxes now O.o

Despondent?

Everything Seems Far Away.

Slow Dance..?

Today Is A New Day.
I Cant Sit Around Forever
And Hope It All Changes For Me.
Gotta Get Up And Fight Back.
Gotta Prove I Can
Gotta Prove I Will
Gotta Catch Em All..!

I'm Starting New.
I'm Sara.
I'm Crazy.
I Ride A Caster Board.
I Own, And Use A Walkman.
I Will Mater Playing The Violin.
I'm A Zombie Movie Fanatic.
I Could List 20 Tv Shows From The 80s'/90's Youve Never Herd Of.
I'm Not Book Smart,
But Can Create A Whole Other World With A Blank Canvas.
I Make Jewelery.
I'd Rather Video Games Over Flowers.
I'd Rather Border Shorts To A Dress.
I Dance Like No Ones Watching And
Sing To My Walkman Like No Ones Listening..
In Public.
One Day I'll Be A Graphic Designer.
One Day I'll Be A Green Peace Rally Leader.
One Day I'll Make Something Of My Self.
But Until Then, I'm Sara.
And I Love Just Who I Am.

My Pt Family..

KindlyTyrant

11:50 PM on May 15, 2010 

 

Don't know if you'll see this but I wanted to leave something here in case you came back.

I hope you find what you seek. Not nearly enough was passed between us but from what I read, you clearly have earned your right to feel happy and healthy; free of all this chaos. I'm willing to bet that you can do anything that you become determined to accomplish. This is no different and it can be done. My hat goes off to you for deciding this on your own and so young. Reading your posts in the last couple of days has made me begin to reconsider my own life and force myself to be honest with myself. Your courage is an inspiration and you will beat this.

Just offering some love, support, and good juju your way... Go kick some ass!

I Cant Hold On To You

We cant carry on like we were.

It's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry..

I feel so empty with you..
But I cant stay around like before,
I cant help you the way you need.
It only hurts you more..
I cant stand knowing I cause you that pain.
I just wish you could see that..

I'm not gone, but I'm not all here.

This Might Clear It Up..

Just Because I'm Still Around Doesn't Mean I'm Here.

Current Status.

Internet Is Down. Cell Phone Account Is Paused.
I've Got No Contact, To Anyone.
The Realisation Of Everything Starts To Sink In.
Didnt Attend School Today, I Wont Go Tomorrow Either.
I'm Fine All Alone.
Wasnt Useful To Anyone
So Its Not Like My Presence Will Be Missed.

good bye.

You'll never truly understand how much you mean to me.
My love was, and always will be, here for you.
But it seems I can no longer help you, and am
too far to away to do anything when you need me most.
I'm sorry I've failed you.
I do wish, more then anything, I could make you happy.

I promise to never forget you.
Even if i tried, I'd be rushing my heart.

Only If I Was Ready

I’ve seen the most beautiful tears in the world

And the saddest laughter

I’ve felt the worst love known to man

And the best rejection

I’ve had the hardest success anyone would know

And the most incredible failure

I’ve had the longest life one should have

And dying early doesn’t scare me

my day dream..

fingers intertwined in his

i pull him close 

with a single movement

look in to his eyes.

a slight smile

and tug him closer

to my level

he cant tell

but my heart

is racing.

my thoughts are flying.

i lean in and my lips

brush his cheek

i pull back,

scan his expression,

try and decipher

what he's thinking

he returns my smile,

brushes a loose hair

back behind my ear

his hand rests

and timidly pulls

me forward again

our lips meet

shy and unsure at first

then an explosion

of passion

im pulled,

pressed against him

every kiss wanting more

after all this time,

looking for something

that we've already got

that we've always had

each other.

We Are Just Two People

And I'm just a Girl
Who's in love with a Guy
Not in front of me
Now you're so far away
And I need you right here in my arms..<3

"Run"

We're just two people

Riding in circle

That's spinning around

Just everyday people

Searching for something

We've Already Found

And I'm just a guy

Who's in love with a girl

Not in front of me

Now you're so far away

And I need you right here in my arms

Baby just run

Take a bus,Take a Plane

Take a train

Baby just run

Run as fast as you can

Girl you'll find your way back

'Cause no matter wherever you are

There's no place on this earth thats to far,

Run

We're just two people

Wishing that we were together tonight

Just everyday people

Trying to make sense of this puzzle called life

And I'm just a guy

Who's in love with a girl

Not in front of me

Now you're so far away

And I need you right here in my arms

So baby just run

Take a bus,Take a plane

Take a train

Baby just run

Run as fast as you can

Girl you'll find your way back

'Cause no matter wherever you are

There's no place on this earth thats to far,

Run

Sooner or later it's over

Passing you by and it's gone

There's Not enough time left to wonder

If your where you belong

Take a bus,Take a plane,Take a train

So Baby just Run

Take a bus,Take A plane,Take a train

Baby Just Run

Run as fast as you can

Girl you'll find your way back

'Cause no matter wherever you are

There's no place on this earth thats to far,

Run

And Its True..

""Because of you, I am in pain,
because of you, I know what love is.
Because of you, the world spins,
because of you, it rains.

Because of you, I am so deeply, madly in love.""

This Time Around,

Its Getting Harder And Harder To Hold On.

never like before..

Simple Thoughts Of Him,

Of The Slightest Touch, 

And Every Thing Races.

Failure.

I Caved. Gave In.


I should have never tried.
What was I thinking.

71 Days Left

Another Mild Black Out.
Light Headed And Faint.

Save me from my self.

my mind..

clouded, fogged, full of rushing thoughts.

I now know vodka shots on an empty stumic hits you faster, harder then one would expect. High on a buzz i stumble home. strip down and lay in bed, hiding under covers. how pathetic i must be, its only two in the after noon and i'm naked and halfway drunk. my mind starts to wonder, my thoughts fall on him. how i wish so badly he was laying next to me. my cheeks begin to warm as my mind and heart being to race. if only he was here.. then it would all be better. my mind falls back to my dream from the night before, and my thoughts darken. "I bet he'd be disgusted if he saw me like this." I start to panic. 'what if's filling my mind. laying in bed, hiding undercovers, naked, cold, alone, filled with vodka.

yeah, i think that counts as pathetic.

No Sleep For The Empty.

Or The Cold Hearted.

Sleeping a total of 2 hours last night, tossing and turning from pain i awoke from another of the heart wrenching dreams. it was so real when i sat up my wrists were burning and my heart racing.

I finally got to visit him, after all this time, i was finally there in his arms. everything was just as my day dreams thought it would be like, but things turned, we began to argue, i was too gone for even him it seemed. flash to a few days later, after the worst of a fight, he stormed away and i slumped to the floor, like time had fast forwarded everything a blur everything clears a few hours later as i lay on the floor blood pooling around me i see the outline of him standing over me, screaming my name in attempts to wake me. flash to a hospital bed. i wake and turn to see him sitting next to me, a look of utter terror on his face as he tries to explain the events that happened that night, how i slit my wrists after swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills. i layed there, confused, every memory as foggy as the last, muted. the doctor enters and informs that my stumic was pumped and wrists stitched, that i barely made it cause i was to malnourished. the rest of the dream was just as bad, them trying to send me away and me muted, 

not being able to scream for help..

Hard Times Ahead

And it begins. One Week In And It Beings. I dont understand it. But its happening. I collapsed in the hallway, a mild blackout. it was terrifying. Now the pains have begun. I cant take tums for the hunger pains. Always the chance i'll take one too many like before. And i wont take a chance on that happening. I just cant wrap my head around why its starting so soon. i've only been restricting to 500 calories a day. sure its 1700 under what i should be in taking. and 1000 under what my body needs to function properly. but so soon? i've gone a week with out any form of food and the pains didnt arise. maybe this time its different. but what ever it is. it hurts. i wish i could just curl up and sleep. wake up when everything is better. when everything makes more sense. when all this useless BS harm i'm doing will stop. i dont want to be like this, but i am. and i just dont know how to make it stop. well i know, but its so damn hard  by myself. i'm all alone in this. and its down right terrifying. I dont know why i bother with this blog. why i bother trying to understand whats happening. i should just revert in to my old ways. it didnt work out then either but at least it was numbing. maybe if i stop writing here and just keep it all in, it'll make things easier. i wont bother yannic or lloyd again with my silly problems. i'll paste on my old smile and continue on like everything is fine. i've learned before to keep my mouth shut. i can easily do it again.

The Chart.

Starts:
May 3rd












Ends:
July 19th

73 days remain.

The other blog is gone. I just couldnt do it. I couldnt lay it all out for everyone to listen to. It tore me inside. knowing anyone at any time could know. i just couldnt take it. plans are still there. solid as ever. I'll just keep it all in the best i can. even my best friend dosent understand.. i just wish he would. every time i see the numbers drop i remember all the comments he told me, the ones that would make everything rush. at my lowest, he had called me beautiful. back then he never knew all that was going on. but the words echoed. more than anything i want to get back there. back down to my lowest. when i was beautiful. beautiful to him. sure yannics my drive for perfection, cause i'm terrified i'll never live up to him. but he, he is my drive to live. to be all that i can be. to stick with it. to do it for me. i just wish i had his ability to push. how he works hard everyday, nothing will get in his way. i'm taking small steps cause working that hard like he does, like i have before, sets me up for such a fall. such a tear down when it all falls through. i hope he knows i look up to him. but even if he read this, it might come off the wrong way. but its all just useless babble anyways. i cant talk with him about it.

Its just me. 

little invisible she.

This Time

I will win, This Time I Will reach my goals.

And i promised. that is that.

May 3rd, Day 1/77

I've Got The Pills. And I know Just How To Use Them.

Truth is,

I Love You. With Everything I've Got.

But,
If you really gave a fuck,
you wouldnt alienate the people you had left.

Just A Thought,
Mull It Over.
When Your Ready To Be A Grown Up About Shit,
Come Find Me.

J. Englishman

Fade. 

Oooooo yeah
Was I more than you bargained for
Was I too much to take
Did I push it all much to far
Did I waste all the rage
Walkin' under ladders
Steppin' on sidewalk cracks
Runnin' down dark alleys
Trippin' over black cats

Was I less than you needed
Was I not to your taste
Could I not stop the bleeding
Do you remember the days

I was all that you wanted
I was everything you craved
And now you complain
That you don't like the taste
Well I can recast the scene
But it still plays the same
Cause I'm too strong to love
And I'm too weak to change

Well I, I gotta get out of this place that I'm in
Cause I'm running this race I can't win
But I'll make you forgive me and then
I can drag you down with me again
I will drag you down with me again
Let me drag you down with me again

I'm so empty and ugly
Dirty and ashamed
But I'll never say I'm sorry
Never take the blame
I will teach you to hate me
And push you away
And in the end you'll be happy
To just let me fade