To Be Honest..

I don't even like Guinness,

But It's My Preferred Beer, Cause I Miss You, More Often Then You Think.

It's better to die and sleep Then never wake and sleep

Then linger on and dare to live
When the soul's life is gone

I've been away, I know I said I'd post more.. But So Much Has Been Going On.. Constantly fighting with yannic.. seems every little thing sets it off. I've got four-ish days to finish packing and get out of here.. Oh wait, I haven't found a place yet. I had a mental break down the other day at the gym.. Sat in the shower and cried for a good hour or so. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I don't know why I even pretend anymore, people look at me, like I've got shit figured out, like I'm the one that is strong enough to hold everything, but like nothing could ever be wrong with me, I'm too happy. I've been sleeping alone the last few night, yannic out drinking late, found him pasted out sitting up on the couch as I left for work the other day. What am I doing to him..? How can I even smile anymore.. In his arms I find that happiness, but I don't deserve it. I'm so glad I've helped him find these feelings, and that I am able to help take some of the weight off his shoulders, I just care, I just want him to know he is worth this love, these feelings, but I warned him. 

I said, don't fall for me big boy, I'm no good.

But I won't be around much longer. I've saved enough pills to take down a large drunk, so even half will do me in. I'm shaking just thinking about it. When ever I drive home from work, in the middle of traffic, I think, just how easy it could be to swerve, just a little to the left, just a little jerk of my handle bars, just close my eyes, just hold my breath. It could end that easily. I could just give in, and that plan looks better and better every day. 

I haven't cut yet, but I've been purging, I've been skipping meals, I've been over working out. I've been skipping my meds. I've been lying through my teeth. If I console him, If I Make Sure He Is Okay, I can disappear and it won't hurt that bad. I should disappear, I Wish I Could Disappear.

You've been running around for so long

You've been hurting yourself too much

You keep messing around with darkness

You're the one who's losing

You've been running around for so long

You've been hurting yourself too much

You keep messing around with darkness

You're the one who's losing

Peas and carrots

Just Like So.

Rolled my first joint, did it up right, yo!
Vodka and cans of veggies.

I gained weight. I hate myself. I don't deserve his love. I don't deserve life.

HARD cranberry lemonade

And its awful bitter aftertaste.
It makes me shutter, like so.

What am I doing.

What The Hell, Am I Doing?

Just.. So confused. I thought I needed the mushroom weekend, am I was so right. But it mixed even more in to the pot of confusing overwhelming emotions.. Woohoo, Sure Am Good At That, Eh? It will go from this, love and happiness filled setting, where even the hugs felt like nothing before. To this knot in my tummy thinking about being at home, falling asleep next to him. I wish it was so much easier. But that's not how life works. But I'm glad I met him. So, so glad I met him.. I can feel the difference in the hugs, and the holding, the smiles, the feels. Oh, the feels.

But. I'll find another place. My things are for the most part packed.

  And well. Feels like a huge elephant in the room. One covered in ring worm. 

114.4

Yeah, you read that right.

I've lost 41.1 pounds. 

16.8 to go...

Fan-fuckn-tastic.

binged. took four diet pills. tried to contact the school. failed. fought with yannic. blacked out running. purged  stomach acid. almost blacked out on the drive home. want to cut. want drugs. going to the liquor store soon.

I hate myself.

115.2

I'm freaking out. 

I shouldn't of had pizza. I shouldn't have let him convince me it was okay. I should have purged the second I got home, right after the fight. I've binged on the chocolates I bought yesterday.. I want to purge so badly.. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be okay that I've had a hand full of chocolates?.. Why can't I be okay that even though I had rice and pizza yesterday, I still lost weight.. I can't get my head around it. I need to be empty, I need to be empty..

Show us your story...

Manga, and Pizza

Best evenings, shared with best friends.

I need a new place.. I'm too stressed right now to even put my thoughts in order to write a good blog post.. I'm sorry.. I need drugs.. and vodka.. and a good nights rest. There is too much on my shoulders right now.. I know I can share the load with my friend, but still.. sometimes the load needs to be bared by that person, and they need to feel the pain of its weight. 

On the bright side, I'm at 115.4, fingers crossed I'm under 115 tomorrow. Lowest weight in almost a year. 

Not good enough. But then again.. Nothing I do ever is.

Poems

Ones that are about you, ones I write to sort out my thoughts,
Cause thoughts of you, are just, just too much.


He told me about his dream last night, they were like my day dreams, only not very PG 13.
We aren't very good at staying behind the grey line.

Does that mean something..?

Scoot-Scoot-SCOOTER

We fought.



I need to find another place. Now.



I've been coke free for three days, if it matters. It doesn't, but there it is.

Found this last night

"Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before."

I'm so confused.

To be honest,

I can't handle this right now..

If my blades weren't covered in coke I'd be.. well, regretful.. but that's not the point.

I'm moving out.

I snapped over text and just let yannic know how annoyed I am with him, that I need to move out, that I can't stay here. I realized, I'm not in love with him anymore. I can't be here. Not to just make him happy, my happiness matters to.. doesn't it?

Bag of chips in...

Bag of chips out. Easy as pie. mmm pie.

I'm not dead yet.

But then again, it is bound to happen, sooner or later.

I worked a twelve and a half hour shift yesterday, yeah, I love chevron just that much. I fainted/blacked out on the treadmill, I couldn't finish my run. I feel like I'm worthless.

While on my shift, muffin came to visit, made a few comments about my coworkers body after he left, I dunno, but I was really jealous. I started thinking more about it, and I realized I felt this way when Liz came to visit Chris. She took all his attention, I just formed a friendship type bond, and bam, spending my days alone. Just wasn't fair. And I dunno, I,  after he brought up this dating site thing, I've been worried that I'd lose my friend. I mean, don't get me wrong, of course I want him to find someone, be it a fling or whatever he needs to be happy. I just don't want to lose my friend. I'm not sure if that's selfish or not..

I didn't want to talk about it -

- And I Still Would Rather Not..

Things were said back and forth today, he was trying to tell me the way I'm going about weight loss is all wrong; I won't loose fat with eating little and workout like crazy, starvation mode, etc etc. I flipped shit.

Its like a slap to the face.

It's like being told that the one thing that consumes your thoughts, and becomes a life obsession, you know nothing about. I know what I'm doing to my body, I know the side effects of purging, and constant use of diet pills and Durex will do. I'm educated on what is killing, on how I'm killing myself.

I can educate circles around you on nutrition and phycology.

Just because my actions appear idiotic, doesn't mean anything.. I wasn't sure if I was angry, frustrated or upset. But I was on the change room floor shaking, about to burst into tears. I didn't know what else to say to him. I still don't. I know he isn't aware of what I know and what is going on, or that he completely understands it. But I mean really.. Give me a break, our first conversation was about nutrion, I even rattled off the info of the juice I was making.. My brain doesn't stop...

Things that go though my mind...

And Up My Nose.


PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS:
Varies with dose and the tolerance of the user. Increases alertness, wakefulness, elevates the mood, mild to high degree of euphoria, increases athletic performance, decreases fatigue, clearer thinking, increases concentration, increases energy, increased irritability, insomnia, restlessness. With high doses may exhibit a pattern of psychosis with confused and disorganized behavior, irritability, fear, paranoia, hallucinations, may become extremely antisocial and aggressive.

PHYSICAL EFFECTS:
Inceases heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and sweating. Increases speed of respiration, dilates the pupils, decreased sleep and appetite. Can decrease seizure threshold and is associated with seizures, strokes, and heart attacks in susceptible individuals.


Quote from Jackson Browne:

"When you do a line of coke, you feel like a new stallion. The only problem is the new stallion wants one, too."