What The Nerve.

The Scale. Yeah, The White One Sitting, Wedged Between My Side Table And The Wall.

I'm terrified of it. Utterly terrified of what It will tell me.

Its been running through my head for the past week or so.. I know what ever that number is, will either crush me, or trigger something. I wake up and tell myself that its clearly not possible to be weight day, oh not today at all! There is so many things that come into play for that number. Water intake/output, have I had too much? not enough? When was my last bowel movement? If I ate late in the night, or too much/not enough movement the day before. Its all too much, too many factors, and I'm terrified.


I wish I could ask for someone to take that battery, that damn power source, take it and hide it from me.




Just until I'm able to grasp at reality a little stronger.

If You Have:

Flip of the coin.

I read your posts, Some talk of fasting, Others of bingding, the ones that strike a cord with me, are the ones about purging. 

I had read a post this morning, from a girl who had said, she only had ate all of what she did, cause she knew she could purge. There is a higher punishment for me if I purge. I'll seizure. I've read many post warning those on this damn drug, to not purge, and well, Its Scary. I'm Scared. What if it all becomes too much and yannic finds me on his bathroom floor, eyes rolled back, lunch remaining unflushed. Romantic.

Humming in the snow

I'm not sure if the blue days are past me yet, I'm not sure if they have been replaced with a blur of grey, or its all in my head. Either way, I'm all medicated and over sleepy.

I started mah new meds yesterday, and along with more energy, and a lack of fear towards talking, my appetite was completely killed! And day one of my meal plan went over more better then I could have thought! I'm still having no luck at the whole "reinvent thy self" thing.. I wanna be done over, this time, happy with my self. I had spent some time each day going to the shops, trying on things, and foning over the things I wish I could have. I found I'm a large t-shirt size at stiches now, and a size seven there as well. Which is sad, but I know my size 4's and 5's still fit fine. And my mediums fit alright as well. I guess its just the fact that store is for teenagers.. then I think, wait, I'm 18!? Why can't I fit these clothes..? Why can't I look good in what I own? (This is where who ever has a good fashion sence stand up and makes them self known, and kindly offers to help send links to things I should get..) 

Other then that, my face has been breaking out from stress over school, and thats no fun either. And as I just found out, its eating disorder awareness week. If your reading my blog and don't have a disorder, but you know someone who does, or notice some ones's eating is off, don't ignore it, they deserve help before they slip deep. many don't know what hole they fell in. I just wish you all the best this week. Things may be blue, But They Will Be Bright Soon.

And.. The New Alice Game Is Out Soon.. Just Say'n. Gonna Be Sick!

One Would Think

If i Truly wanted Anything this Badly i'd Have pushed Until my Knuckles bled.
I didn't. Now i'm Falling. its Scary. everything Is too Tight. i'm Slipping into Dark blue.

I just want to be happy.

or to die. which ever comes first.

Doc Says:

Take Once Daily. Magic Pills FTW?

But Wiki Says..

Not everyone with ADHD will want to take Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is not for people who have a history of anorexia or bulimia, seizures or brain damage...There have been numerous lawsuits filed against the manufacturer by patients and their families who have suffered from seizures after taking Wellbutrin. 

Some of the rare side effects of taking Wellbutrin to treat ADHD include change in hair color, etc.

The more typical side effects of taking Wellbutrin for ADHD include agitation, anxiety, insomnia, weight loss, headache, dry mouth, nausea, constipation, and dizziness. Sometimes, although not often, people taking Wellbutrin for ADHD report sweating, strange body odor, tremor and nervousness. 

*holds breath..* I'ma die if i purge. Well, not die, per say. But seizures are scary too! What a way to attempt another recovery. At least its alot more then the fear of gaining keeping me from binging..

Goals For The Week:

• Search Ballet Classes (only 43$ per month!)
• Get ADD Medication (Starting Monday!)
• Smile  (Slipping In To The Blue Again) 

And The Story Goes

She's Losing Her Way.

And perhaps her mind.. Its All X / X / X / *Mind Explodes*..

Yeah.. I got my report card yesterday.. Fail Fail Incomplete Incomplete. Yeah. So all that over stressing about getting withdrawn, and I was already kicked out! heh. Told Ya So. Either way, I'm allowed to be taken back if I send in my essay, and soon. I spent all day, and most of the day stressing and drinking coffee. Pushed out two unites for writing. And my art is soon to follow by the weekend. I can't let it come down to only pushing out work when they threaten to kick me out. I really can't. I'm going back to the doctors on Thursday, and well, the FMH contacted him so i hope it goes over smoothly regardless..

As for food related things? I haven't had a weight in a week perhaps. I don't want to know. I look slimmer? But I haven't been doing too much. I had a few binging moments. And vday I had a day of chocolate and bubbly. But really? I wake up and look at the scale, and I tell myself I dont want to ruin my day and simply put it back. I will weight in soon though. That time of the month is coming up in a few days, so maybe after that. I have a new workout plan, and maybe a food plan. I drew one up for naya to cause she wants to loose weight as well. But right now, I just want to do my home work, I want to grad, and be done with this BS job and living with mum. I want out.

I'm feeling so horrid lately.. It seems everyone that attempts to help me with my school work I shut down completely, I take my frustration and anger out on everyones attempts. I feel like such a horrid friend..

Marked With Little

X's & O's. 

I'd like to keep a hold of this moment, and run with it. To make the most of everything I have, and have this weekend turn out right. I'm scared of my absent mind, Its Turned In To Blank Gaps. Its always been as follows:

"because if i eat somthing i'll eat everything so i eat nothing."

but even then, the mind setting is all wrong. i'm all wrong. tomorrow seems so far away, but today wont ever last as long as i'd like it to. i'll stab again and again, and make it tomorrow no further then i was yesterday. One Long Monday. Yup.

Now I Need To Be Strong. 

Not Sure What I'm Fighting Anymore, 

Its All A Blur, But I'll Fight. 

Swinging Till The End.

 xoxo

Snow Snow Everywhere

Ruining Every Little Plan.

Seems the word on the weather channel is Snow Snow Snow. Which in the end just means bitter cold. Plan 1 = Ruined. And well, borrowed wifi is topping the stress list as well, I'm Simply Trying To Download Sappy Songs. Will It Let Me? Yeeaahhhh right. Plan 2 = Ruined. After a week long binge/purge disaster, that lace? Uh, no. Plan 3 = Ruined.

I'm done with Thursday. I'ma nap. 

Hey You,

Yes You, Adam. Tonight, Your A Terrible Dancer.

At least all this introspective BS is some good use. Nomming on my soother, I contemplate life. And nuzzled beneath warm comforters, craving that high, that release, I work it all out in my minds eye.

In all truth, I want to be that girl, She Got It All Together, a 9-5 job, or post secondary schooling filling my time. Some where to be during the day, And His Arms At Night. I'm not there yet, But I Wish I Was. I feel a step behind him right now. I know its cause he is older and further in life then I.  But I feel I should be at the point in life now as well. I've skipped huge moments in life, Prom, Grad, Partying, A Home Brew. He's Been There, And  Now Matured. I've never hit that point, My life at certain points, i feel have been suck on "Slow Mo" while others, Like November, was my quota for the party phase all crammed into a month. 

Maybe I'm just over thinking things. I'm not too sure where this post is really going. Maybe cause I'm waiting for the Mdma to wear off, And Typing Feels Neat. 

Either Way, I Need To Step Up, Move To The Next Part In Life. 

What ever that may be.

Yup.

One Long Week Of Mondays. 

Thats how it feels. Nothing Fits. Nothing Fits Right. My Hair Is A Mess, My Face Is Breaking Out. I`m Disgusting. To Top It All Off, I`ve Been Stress Eating. Shoving Everything Last Thing Into My Mouth. Purged Once The Other Day, And My Throat Still Hurts. I`ve Been Holding Back, I Don`t Want That Habit Again. But If I Keep Binging I Might As Well. Not Going To Lose Weight Any Other Way. I Missed Work The Other Day. I Don`t Care. I Don`t Care About Alot Any More. I`m A Fat Stupid Mess, What Do I Have To Care About?

I've Been Nominated:

It Goes A Little Something Like This.

1) I Ride a Caster Board. No, I'm Not That Good, At All. I do my best to avoid hills, cars.. etc. But I Plan On Keeping True, And Learning Tricks This Spring.

2) Over the span of two years, When I Was 8 Or So, give or take, I had slept with my head in a cardboard box, 3 nights a week. I was terrified. My reasoning, If I Couldn't See Them (ghosts, ghouls, etc.) Then Clearly, They Couldn't See Me.

3) I've attempted, and challenged myself to try all the varying types of vegetarianism. Including veganisum, and raw foodie as well.

4) I'm The Proud Owner Of The Retro Nostalgia That This BS Motion Control Generation Can't Appersate. The Nostalgia I Refer To, Is My Sega Genesis, N64, PS1, Gameboy Colour, And Pog Set. Yeah, I'm Cool.

5) Over a few years, I had owned 9 dwarf hamsters. One had a tumor, her baby ate its siblings head, others died expectingly with in a week of perchance. I now own a cactus. Its been 4 months and still going strong. 

6) 80's and 90's cartoons are my all time favorite. Keep your talking sponge, I'll stick to my gummi bears, masked ducks, and flying bears!

7) As a self taught photographer, I figure I've got a good hobby. 

8) I know all the worlds to the ouran high school host club theme song. yes, in Japanese.

9) I'm currently learning the violin. Its been a passion of mine, but only reasontly I've come into possession of a a playable violin. Sadly I've have to put my lessons on hold until further notice.

10) There is a girl in Germany, whom I'm very proud to call my pen pal. We are in many ways very much alike, and one day we plan to meet and go zorbing!

Insert Witty Title Here.

Insert Snappy Follow Up, And Thought Provoking Sentence Here.

I want to tell you all what a great success I've been. I want to spread my happiness through these words, so they touch your hearts and warm them. I'm not quite able to do such things yet.

I'm at 125.0 as of February 1st. This number is one I shall never, ever, see again. I'm still all over the place. Again with plan after plan. Only to give up two days in. With running, with raw food, with working out. None of it more then three days. I want to tell you all, once more, that this will stop as of now. But it wont. I know so. I'm motivated with school work, only to sit and stare at it. I'm making slow, very slow, progress. But I sapoce progress is just that. The job search is endless. And I'm starting to believe that I am in-fact getting call backs, but my mother isn't answering the phone when I'm not home. I'm going bat crazy. I've been here, far far too long. i need my own space. And moving tomorrow would still be too far away. I'm sick of abbotsford. I'm sick of my job, and my mother. I'm sick of being a year behind my friends. I'm sick of being sick.

I'm studying Wednesday with kimmy. For my N test. I figure I have to take it. Now. I'll BS my way through my passport papers to get them done as well. Two small children, one stone kinda deal. This weekend there is the fleamarket to deal with as well, And Hopefully Kick Boxing. I feel distressed, but perhaps thats not the word I'm looking for. Every plan I make, seems to fall through. Be it home work at another's house, or good intentions of going some where, or doing something. And no, I don't think moving on my own will help that at all. I just need to get away. Its all become routine again. I'm hiding in my room to avoid, at all costs, my mother.

Its hard trying to catch up to everyone else. Trying to be that girl dating the smart older guy. They think I'm the ditz. Working at a dead end job for minimum wage, and wining over diet soda..