My Fourm Post:

I wasnt too sure where to post this all, or to post it at all. But i figure, whats there to lose right? worse case i get some advice. cant be all bad.

i find myself in a perdiciment.. in four days i'm spoce to move out of BC to edmonton alberta. a place i've been only once for two days. with a friends i've had for seven years, that i had met for the frist time that day aswell. now none of that is really imporant i guess.. the real problem is i'm not sure if i should go.

right now i'm living on my own. have been for nine ish months now. cause the minestry has deemed it unsuitable for me to live any longer with either of my rents.

(mother lives on the coast and it took 16 years to get away from her abuse. and my father lives in the town i am now, and he truned abusicve to. oh and i had only met him for the first time ever upon the day i moved in with him to O.o .. if that mattters..)

since its not really an option to move back in with my father its open to be with my mother cause she is well .. less crazy now. ( less dragon bitch more just simply a btich O.o )
since those options are out i ended up on my own. and all has been fine and dandy.. sorta.. but i feel i need the stablity of a make shift family, of living some where were i cant be as destrive to myself. in short since i've move on my own i've started cutting agian my ED has gotten very very worse im depressed and i've dropped out of high school with a month reamaning.

so with all that drama. to top it all off my funding from the minstry is being cut. which means i have no rent money unless i get a full time job. but i wanna finish my schooling to.

so i'll be homeless at the end of the month.

but there is a few option for places i can go. one being edmonton. one being with my mother. and the other being with my ex. now i'm sure many of you can understand when i say i never feel desvering. of anything. and well my ex, yannic. he is amazing. my best friend. everything i've always wanted in a guy. and i found him. i found the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. but here is the snag. notice i said ex. wooo go me..

i had walked away from him. i did cause i didnt feel i was good enough for him. a better way to explain is.. there is a set of caligraphy pens in pharmasave. 40 ish dollers. now i never really get my self anything fancey and worth 40 buck. sure ive got the money and i end up spending twice that amount on little things that i never need all the time (like food binges!) but these pens, i've  always wanted em. always always. but i'm hesitant to get em cause well i dont think i desever a treat. i dont think i'll be good enough of an artist to use them to the full potieantal kinda thing. and eyah, i end up never getting them

 i knwo i just compared my love life to a set of pens.. but yeah..

the thing is though, i'm in love with the friend from edmonton to. and when he was out here, helpin me pack to go out there with him, we started dating.. and yeah.. we have been friends for seven years and had crushes on each other, but now we are together. (we met on nex forever a go)

but i'm not sure about it all.. cause right now he just spends his days smoking alot of pot.. and seems more concerned about drinks..  not that its a big deal.. i donno.. it bothers me i guess. not that i'd ask him to change cause i like him the way he is. just not sure its the right place for me to be. cause he distruive and a little off.. but he is a great guy. and an amazing friend. (amazing lover to ;) ) ..  but i'm scared to tell him that i terrified of movign to edmonton. scared to tell him i'm not ready for all that. cause well i donno.. when i gave him bad news last time he broke his nuckels.. well he didnt set out to.. there was anger and the nuckles was a resalt.. i'm scared what he'll do this time. cause i mean alot to him. he keeps reminding me he has never had
anything good in his life till me .. and well he is my friend. i wanna be there to help he all i can. cause he means alot to me..

i think i covered everything..

i'm just really lost at what to do right now.
lost as to where to go and what to do.

i know i've gotta pick one.
everyone keeps saying : do what makes you happy
but after my entier life doing everything i can to make others happy i really dont knwo what makes me happy..

help PT.. i need some adivce..