Never Forget Me..Please..
6/30/10
Dreams
He was there, smile; soft but loving, he had someone is his arms.
She was laying close and covered with a thin sheet.
He sighed and pulled her closer.
Wispered "My Only, My One."
She asked if this was true,
His thoughts trailed to another, mere memories of shards of glass.
"Yes my love, your the only for me."
She was laying close and covered with a thin sheet.
He sighed and pulled her closer.
Wispered "My Only, My One."
She asked if this was true,
His thoughts trailed to another, mere memories of shards of glass.
"Yes my love, your the only for me."
My dreams are plaged of him with this other.. She is perfect for him in everyway, and makes him happier then I ever could. My heart dropps and I feel ill every time my thoughts trail there. I know I walked away.. I know it could have been me in his arms, I know I'll love him even when she is in that sara sized spot.. Dosent mean it wont hurt. He is off, plans of parties. I know he'll end up with some one.. And I just cant stand it.. Wish it was me.. Wish he was wispering those things to me.. Wish he never got on that damn bus..
Wish he'd believe these words..
But I doubt he will.
But I doubt he will.
Wearing New York New York,:
Mum and I had a little bonding time that came outta no where last night.
It was nice to be honest, I missed when we got along.
I was cooking and she was off looking for something, and I Brought up her old jewelry case, and how I simply adored going through it.
We sat there for two hours, and I asked her everything that popped into my head. It was like I was eight again, and everything she did was a wonderful adventure to me.
She gave me a heart pendant that was given to her by grandma on her eighteenth. And was meant for me then to. I have her old engagement ring from peter to.
My mind keeps wondering back to what life would have been if mother never had that abortion, I'd have a brother, Mark. He'd be 20 something, give for take a year. She'd be married to peter, I'd have a real father. I'd have a real family. I'd have been completely different. And no matter how much that scares me, I wish for it so badly.
As I twirl her new york jewelry on my wrist, and think of my life that could have been, I know I'd rather it the way it is now. Its less scary this way.
It was nice to be honest, I missed when we got along.
I was cooking and she was off looking for something, and I Brought up her old jewelry case, and how I simply adored going through it.
We sat there for two hours, and I asked her everything that popped into my head. It was like I was eight again, and everything she did was a wonderful adventure to me.
She gave me a heart pendant that was given to her by grandma on her eighteenth. And was meant for me then to. I have her old engagement ring from peter to.
My mind keeps wondering back to what life would have been if mother never had that abortion, I'd have a brother, Mark. He'd be 20 something, give for take a year. She'd be married to peter, I'd have a real father. I'd have a real family. I'd have been completely different. And no matter how much that scares me, I wish for it so badly.
As I twirl her new york jewelry on my wrist, and think of my life that could have been, I know I'd rather it the way it is now. Its less scary this way.
6/29/10
To Be Honset,
..I Miss Him.
Been Wearing His Shirt To Bed On The Nights I Sleep Alone.
Still smells of him, and I wish itd stay that way, but I know the seant will fade. Along with his thoughts of me.
I bet he had already forgotten me.
Bet He Has Another Laying Next To Him.
Holding Back Tears In The Libray Typing This Out, But I Donno.. Its All Been Building Up In My Head..
Waking up alone and scared, upset from images in my dreams I wish I never thought up.
But I guess I'll be okay..
Cant wear his pendant right now.. Cant bare looking at it..
Everything starts to become too over whelming and my heart sinks..
Been Wearing His Shirt To Bed On The Nights I Sleep Alone.
Still smells of him, and I wish itd stay that way, but I know the seant will fade. Along with his thoughts of me.
I bet he had already forgotten me.
Bet He Has Another Laying Next To Him.
Holding Back Tears In The Libray Typing This Out, But I Donno.. Its All Been Building Up In My Head..
Waking up alone and scared, upset from images in my dreams I wish I never thought up.
But I guess I'll be okay..
Cant wear his pendant right now.. Cant bare looking at it..
Everything starts to become too over whelming and my heart sinks..
I'm feeling the stress.
Seems like no matter where I head to its like the stress, the constant pounding, is always there.
Its like I know I've fucked up, and it just repeats its self over and over.
I wish I could talk it all out.
Wish I could make some sence of it all.
But The Only One That'd Listen,
The Only One That Would Remotely Understand,
Walked Away..
Its like I know I've fucked up, and it just repeats its self over and over.
I wish I could talk it all out.
Wish I could make some sence of it all.
But The Only One That'd Listen,
The Only One That Would Remotely Understand,
Walked Away..
6/25/10
I Wont Forget You, Your Pendant I Wear.
The midnight's sky the blanket of stars
your gazing eyes, jewels from afar.
The howling wind, its eerie cry.
whispering softly, it'll all be fine
A beat of the heart, the flutter of leaves
so surreal could it truly be, more than a dream
that keeps calling to me.
I surrender my love
to the Goddess that be. undying loyalty, a warrior for the.
a protector, a saviour, a bringer of peace,
a quieted rage finally Deceased
for shes released the best in me
to fight for the better,
to be rid of the burdens that hindered the way.
a life in debt for the ease of pain
a vow to her. and nothing more
For as long as you love me i'm forever yours.
your gazing eyes, jewels from afar.
The howling wind, its eerie cry.
whispering softly, it'll all be fine
A beat of the heart, the flutter of leaves
so surreal could it truly be, more than a dream
that keeps calling to me.
I surrender my love
to the Goddess that be. undying loyalty, a warrior for the.
a protector, a saviour, a bringer of peace,
a quieted rage finally Deceased
for shes released the best in me
to fight for the better,
to be rid of the burdens that hindered the way.
a life in debt for the ease of pain
a vow to her. and nothing more
For as long as you love me i'm forever yours.
Walk As Far As You Can,
Be As Angry As You Wish. It Wont Change A Thing.
I love him far too much to walk away from him. He is my everything. And I'd give anything to take back the time I lost with him.
I love him far too much to walk away from him. He is my everything. And I'd give anything to take back the time I lost with him.
6/23/10
Hello Alice,
"I'm not all to sure where you went, but all I know is everything is better now." "Who I was then, before, isn't who I am now." "I haven't seen this girl in a long time. I started to miss her. Missed the spark of adventure that was absent from the eyes, even the endless craving of knowledge at the base of every string of questions, the laugh, always full of life and joy, even her smug look of satisfaction when she makes you smile in the middle of an argument. But of course, even her face when scrunched up in frustration, you ask if she needs help, the answer always a very prompt 'no!' determined to succeed her stubborn side shows through. That's the girl I missed. That's The Girl I Fell In Love With. That is who you are now." "Welcome back me?" "Most Defiantly, welcome back you. Where were you anyways..?" "Shores of Costa Rica, Lovely Place In The Winter You Know."6/22/10
Its all finally looking up.
Took me too long, far far too long. But I'm here now, and I dont plan on ever going back.
Life Isnt So Bad.
Life Isnt So Bad.
6/20/10
Note To Self:
Man The Fuck Up!
I've noticed every single post I've re-edited feeling self conscious and afraid to be judged. Which I think is completely absurd! This is my blog. In which I'm ment to release all that is pledging my thoughts and keeping me awake at night. And I cant even do that now. Well that all stops. Now. No more holding back cause another reads this. If I cant even man up and be truthful with myself, what is the point in it all?
I've noticed every single post I've re-edited feeling self conscious and afraid to be judged. Which I think is completely absurd! This is my blog. In which I'm ment to release all that is pledging my thoughts and keeping me awake at night. And I cant even do that now. Well that all stops. Now. No more holding back cause another reads this. If I cant even man up and be truthful with myself, what is the point in it all?
My Fourm Post:
I wasnt too sure where to post this all, or to post it at all. But i figure, whats there to lose right? worse case i get some advice. cant be all bad.
i find myself in a perdiciment.. in four days i'm spoce to move out of BC to edmonton alberta. a place i've been only once for two days. with a friends i've had for seven years, that i had met for the frist time that day aswell. now none of that is really imporant i guess.. the real problem is i'm not sure if i should go.
right now i'm living on my own. have been for nine ish months now. cause the minestry has deemed it unsuitable for me to live any longer with either of my rents.
(mother lives on the coast and it took 16 years to get away from her abuse. and my father lives in the town i am now, and he truned abusicve to. oh and i had only met him for the first time ever upon the day i moved in with him to O.o .. if that mattters..)
since its not really an option to move back in with my father its open to be with my mother cause she is well .. less crazy now. ( less dragon bitch more just simply a btich O.o )
since those options are out i ended up on my own. and all has been fine and dandy.. sorta.. but i feel i need the stablity of a make shift family, of living some where were i cant be as destrive to myself. in short since i've move on my own i've started cutting agian my ED has gotten very very worse im depressed and i've dropped out of high school with a month reamaning.
so with all that drama. to top it all off my funding from the minstry is being cut. which means i have no rent money unless i get a full time job. but i wanna finish my schooling to.
so i'll be homeless at the end of the month.
but there is a few option for places i can go. one being edmonton. one being with my mother. and the other being with my ex. now i'm sure many of you can understand when i say i never feel desvering. of anything. and well my ex, yannic. he is amazing. my best friend. everything i've always wanted in a guy. and i found him. i found the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. but here is the snag. notice i said ex. wooo go me..
i had walked away from him. i did cause i didnt feel i was good enough for him. a better way to explain is.. there is a set of caligraphy pens in pharmasave. 40 ish dollers. now i never really get my self anything fancey and worth 40 buck. sure ive got the money and i end up spending twice that amount on little things that i never need all the time (like food binges!) but these pens, i've always wanted em. always always. but i'm hesitant to get em cause well i dont think i desever a treat. i dont think i'll be good enough of an artist to use them to the full potieantal kinda thing. and eyah, i end up never getting them
i knwo i just compared my love life to a set of pens.. but yeah..
the thing is though, i'm in love with the friend from edmonton to. and when he was out here, helpin me pack to go out there with him, we started dating.. and yeah.. we have been friends for seven years and had crushes on each other, but now we are together. (we met on nex forever a go)
but i'm not sure about it all.. cause right now he just spends his days smoking alot of pot.. and seems more concerned about drinks.. not that its a big deal.. i donno.. it bothers me i guess. not that i'd ask him to change cause i like him the way he is. just not sure its the right place for me to be. cause he distruive and a little off.. but he is a great guy. and an amazing friend. (amazing lover to ;) ) .. but i'm scared to tell him that i terrified of movign to edmonton. scared to tell him i'm not ready for all that. cause well i donno.. when i gave him bad news last time he broke his nuckels.. well he didnt set out to.. there was anger and the nuckles was a resalt.. i'm scared what he'll do this time. cause i mean alot to him. he keeps reminding me he has never had
anything good in his life till me .. and well he is my friend. i wanna be there to help he all i can. cause he means alot to me..
i think i covered everything..
i'm just really lost at what to do right now.
lost as to where to go and what to do.
i know i've gotta pick one.
everyone keeps saying : do what makes you happy
but after my entier life doing everything i can to make others happy i really dont knwo what makes me happy..
help PT.. i need some adivce..
i find myself in a perdiciment.. in four days i'm spoce to move out of BC to edmonton alberta. a place i've been only once for two days. with a friends i've had for seven years, that i had met for the frist time that day aswell. now none of that is really imporant i guess.. the real problem is i'm not sure if i should go.
right now i'm living on my own. have been for nine ish months now. cause the minestry has deemed it unsuitable for me to live any longer with either of my rents.
(mother lives on the coast and it took 16 years to get away from her abuse. and my father lives in the town i am now, and he truned abusicve to. oh and i had only met him for the first time ever upon the day i moved in with him to O.o .. if that mattters..)
since its not really an option to move back in with my father its open to be with my mother cause she is well .. less crazy now. ( less dragon bitch more just simply a btich O.o )
since those options are out i ended up on my own. and all has been fine and dandy.. sorta.. but i feel i need the stablity of a make shift family, of living some where were i cant be as destrive to myself. in short since i've move on my own i've started cutting agian my ED has gotten very very worse im depressed and i've dropped out of high school with a month reamaning.
so with all that drama. to top it all off my funding from the minstry is being cut. which means i have no rent money unless i get a full time job. but i wanna finish my schooling to.
so i'll be homeless at the end of the month.
but there is a few option for places i can go. one being edmonton. one being with my mother. and the other being with my ex. now i'm sure many of you can understand when i say i never feel desvering. of anything. and well my ex, yannic. he is amazing. my best friend. everything i've always wanted in a guy. and i found him. i found the one i want to be with for the rest of my life. but here is the snag. notice i said ex. wooo go me..
i had walked away from him. i did cause i didnt feel i was good enough for him. a better way to explain is.. there is a set of caligraphy pens in pharmasave. 40 ish dollers. now i never really get my self anything fancey and worth 40 buck. sure ive got the money and i end up spending twice that amount on little things that i never need all the time (like food binges!) but these pens, i've always wanted em. always always. but i'm hesitant to get em cause well i dont think i desever a treat. i dont think i'll be good enough of an artist to use them to the full potieantal kinda thing. and eyah, i end up never getting them
i knwo i just compared my love life to a set of pens.. but yeah..
the thing is though, i'm in love with the friend from edmonton to. and when he was out here, helpin me pack to go out there with him, we started dating.. and yeah.. we have been friends for seven years and had crushes on each other, but now we are together. (we met on nex forever a go)
but i'm not sure about it all.. cause right now he just spends his days smoking alot of pot.. and seems more concerned about drinks.. not that its a big deal.. i donno.. it bothers me i guess. not that i'd ask him to change cause i like him the way he is. just not sure its the right place for me to be. cause he distruive and a little off.. but he is a great guy. and an amazing friend. (amazing lover to ;) ) .. but i'm scared to tell him that i terrified of movign to edmonton. scared to tell him i'm not ready for all that. cause well i donno.. when i gave him bad news last time he broke his nuckels.. well he didnt set out to.. there was anger and the nuckles was a resalt.. i'm scared what he'll do this time. cause i mean alot to him. he keeps reminding me he has never had
anything good in his life till me .. and well he is my friend. i wanna be there to help he all i can. cause he means alot to me..
i think i covered everything..
i'm just really lost at what to do right now.
lost as to where to go and what to do.
i know i've gotta pick one.
everyone keeps saying : do what makes you happy
but after my entier life doing everything i can to make others happy i really dont knwo what makes me happy..
help PT.. i need some adivce..
6/19/10
Awake?
Fourth time i've woken in a mild sweat this week.
From a nightmare. I havnt had nightmare in years.
Why now? Its just intensifying the loneliness.
From a nightmare. I havnt had nightmare in years.
Why now? Its just intensifying the loneliness.
6/18/10
Happiness
Happiness, The Laughter And Joy, Its Gone. Just A Simple Snap, And Its All Drained.
Damn Blue Moods.
Its Not Blue.
Its Dark Navy.
And Its,
Heavy,
Cold.
Am I Really This Broken, That I Can No Longer Stand On My Own?
Damn Blue Moods.
Its Not Blue.
Its Dark Navy.
And Its,
Heavy,
Cold.
Am I Really This Broken, That I Can No Longer Stand On My Own?
A Little Bit
Screams That I'm Lost. And Tells Me I'm Just An Empty Shell.
If I'm So Damn Amazing,
Why I'm I Alone?
Why Do I Only Cause Pain?
I'm only trying to stand, only trying to breath. Even thats not going so well.
If I'm So Damn Amazing,
Why I'm I Alone?
Why Do I Only Cause Pain?
I'm only trying to stand, only trying to breath. Even thats not going so well.
6/15/10
I'm sorry..
I'm not sure what I've done but I wish more then anything to be able to make it better again.
Just tell me what I can do..
Just tell me what I can do..
6/14/10
This Pain.. Its Seeps
Out from my chest, in to the deepness of my jaw. Everything is pounding. I just want it all to stop.
In The Face Of Change
She Turned To Me And Said:
Of course here comes the heartless lonely feelings all over again.. just wish i couldn't feel and it was all over with. I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing anymore. There is everything I know I have to do, and things that I'm just avoiding. I wanna talk it out more. I wanna be reassured. He knows I'm terrified, But I don't think he really gets it.. I'm not sure at all. I know he has his own fears, but i cant help thinking, nagging in the back of my head, that there is things left unsaid. and that part worries me more. I'm not too sure if running in there head first is really what needs to be done. but I'm damn sick of sitting here waiting for something to happen.
"I'm Not Sure Anymore."
Of course here comes the heartless lonely feelings all over again.. just wish i couldn't feel and it was all over with. I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing anymore. There is everything I know I have to do, and things that I'm just avoiding. I wanna talk it out more. I wanna be reassured. He knows I'm terrified, But I don't think he really gets it.. I'm not sure at all. I know he has his own fears, but i cant help thinking, nagging in the back of my head, that there is things left unsaid. and that part worries me more. I'm not too sure if running in there head first is really what needs to be done. but I'm damn sick of sitting here waiting for something to happen.6/13/10
And I Said GoodBye
Forget Everything. That Was My Goal. Now I Just Feel Hungover..
I'm not sure if i fell on to the right side of the fence this time. but i cant string him along. i'm just heartless and he deserves so much better. I hate myself right now more then you could think. I'm trying to ignore all pain, become just that much more numb. I just wish i knew he was okay. Wish he never met me.
6/12/10
6/10/10
..< 3
Yannic says:
So I don't have to long to talk. Work and stuff
But
[Ṩtory Ѳf Ѧ Ǥirl…] says:
its alright
whats on your mind?
Yannic says:
With all the moving and new plans and me missing you a lot ,
I wanted to ask you something
[Ṩtory Ѳf Ѧ Ǥirl…] says:
hmm?
Yannic says:
I know there's still a chance you won't move down.
But I'm willing to risk it.
[Ṩtory Ѳf Ѧ Ǥirl…] says:
..?
you asking what i think your asking..
Yannic says:
Wanted to call you to ask you. But do you ya know
kinda wanna go out with me or somethin
So I don't have to long to talk. Work and stuff
But
[Ṩtory Ѳf Ѧ Ǥirl…] says:
its alright
whats on your mind?
Yannic says:
With all the moving and new plans and me missing you a lot ,
I wanted to ask you something
[Ṩtory Ѳf Ѧ Ǥirl…] says:
hmm?
Yannic says:
I know there's still a chance you won't move down.
But I'm willing to risk it.
[Ṩtory Ѳf Ѧ Ǥirl…] says:
..?
you asking what i think your asking..
Yannic says:
Wanted to call you to ask you. But do you ya know
kinda wanna go out with me or somethin
6/7/10
6/5/10
A Wave Of Everything
Rushing Back.
A Single Moment And Everything's Forgotten.
Why Can't We Just Walk Away..?
A Single Moment And Everything's Forgotten.
Why Can't We Just Walk Away..?
dum dum tish
Mother Dearest.
You'll be here for 19 hours.
I don't think I can handle 19 hours of you.
You'll be here for 19 hours.
I don't think I can handle 19 hours of you.
Wish me luck she won't tare my soul out before the weekends out.
6/4/10
Leave Me Here
Everything Hurts. I Cant Bring Myself To Move Off The Floor. Your Messages, Your Words. They Are Tearing At Open Wounds. Cant You Leave Me Be. Cant You See Why It Has To Be This Way. Just Let Me Be. Please.
6/3/10
How She Sees Me
There is a story of a girl whose life wasn't like a box of chocolates, but more a reality sitcom that at every turn took an unexpected bound off a cliff, though parachutes, boulders, and jumbo trampolines were abundant. Though small and pretty her fierce nature made her seem ten times her size and though her exhaustion weighted heavy on her shoulders there was always a spark of determination in those emerald green pools.
6/2/10
A Letter To Her..
My Dearest Mia,
I cant say I missed you all that much. I only request we try and work together this time around. We have the same goals, and ambitions. But everytime, your hurtful words, and demands leave me empty, cold, and more alone. I'll let you have your way, just leave him out of this.
You Longest Friend
Alice
Ps: Your claws are sharp as ever.
6/1/10
Promise Me:
You'll Hold My Hand, Help Me Get Through This.
I Need Your Help With This.
I Need To Recover.
Its Getting Worse.
I'd Never Admit It.
But I'm Drowning.
I Need Your Help With This.
I Need To Recover.
Its Getting Worse.
I'd Never Admit It.
But I'm Drowning.
Beast-my-Prince
One Day,
One Day He'll See All That I See In Him.
Just Like Me, he is unable to see all that he is. The truly amazing person I see. From harmful words, and a hard past, he has come to look down on him self. Cant see past what others that don't know the truth see. For there is spark in his eyes, that ignites every time he is faced with a challenge. That determination, drives him to better him self. The heart, that puts the ones he cares about always before himself. The gentle touch, of a steady hand shows kindness. Above all, always pushing. Pushing for tomorrow, a better day. For happiness. All of which he deserves for all he's gone through, and for all he's done for others. For with out him, with out his hand there to guide me along when I needed it most, I'm not sure where I'd be. One day he'll get his happiness, his cheering crowd. One day he'll see all that I see.
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