Little Helpless Alice

Nothings worse then knowing someone you care very deeply about is in lonely and in pain.

Except for knowing they are lonely and in pain, and knowing you can't do a single thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to believe I'm a very helpful person, that is always and ear to listen and tries her best to help a friend out of any situation. 

But the few situations i cant help with.. Are the ones I'm struggling with currently. Because i haven't found my way out of those boxes, and I've only just started trying. I feel useless because now, when I'm needed, I've got no advice, nothing to say.

They might think i don't even care..

But they are so very wrong.

I care so much that I'm up hours after I've said goodnight, just for that slight chance they message, needing me. Im trying to force myself to get through loneliness to help them.. To just even become a stronger person to lean on. 

But its not working. Im crumbling under the pressure I'm putting on myself.. I know because my joint pain is back with a vengeance, accompanying the bottle of wine and a half I'm  finishing almost every night.

I want to help you.. But I'm lonely too.

Little Alice, is so very lonely and helpless.

But she keeps trying.. Because she loves you, so very deeply.

Who Am I?

Ill be 22 in a few days.

Im finally starting to school, figuring myself out, and discovering much more to life then I ever thought possible over these few years.

But I'm scared. Im hitting a wall. Im not sure im ready to break through it just yet though.

Have you ever wanted to be just sure, like completly sure, of who you are. Of the person youve become, and where you stand with in this world.

But then, it comes back to the question ive always had trouble answering. Who am I?

I'm a facebook admin, for three pages.
I'm a photographer, and I'm learning to be better.
I'm a painter, a sketcher, a doodler, an artist some say.
I'm a poet, and writer.
I'm a friend, a best friend to some.
I'm a girl lost.
I'm a girl found.
I'm a human making its way through life.

I'm a little lost, a little confused, and more then a little bit confused. But I'm Little Alice, And I'm More Alive Then Ever. I'm about to start schooling, and that can open so many doors. The more I'm drawing, the more I'm improving. The more I chat, the better at being a friend I'm becoming. Every day I make it through, the more I learn. The more I learn about life, and about myself.

I'm excited, and over joyed about the journey I'm on, and the path I'm taking. I really can't wait to see just where it leads. Even more so, the person I'll be when I get there.

even though I'm more alive and aware then ever, I'm scared, and feel alone. 

Then again, thats what life is ment to feel life. Isnt it?

Just a glass of wine

Then perhaps, just one more.

Oh. Little Bumble, are you feeling alone..?

I've come to realize, I've got a problem with drinking. Then again, a lot of people do.

There is the type that spends every last penny, the type that has to drink every night, even the type that when they start, they simply can't stop. However, I don't fall into those categories..

Little Alice, gets black out drunk.

Again, it's something that happens to a lot of people. The thing that worries me most, is almost every time I drink, I hit that point. It sneaks up on me. The line between a little bit drunk to completely forgotten the next morning is so seamless.. it scares me.

It won't happen right away, and every time it's a bit after the alcohol has run out. But I can recall everything, function just fine (as well as any stumbling fool) and then it cuts off. I wake up unsure how I got there, when I went to bed or when I did before that.

A few times, large chunks go missing.. I recall leaving the house, questing all the way to the bus stop, kissing her neck, then blank. Nothing. Not how we got back, the couch snuggles, getting pjs on, or taking them off.

Just flashes of tumbling about.

That scares me.

Lengths Of String

And That Long Awaited Mush Filled Letter.

After almost a full month of waiting, which felt like forever.. Your letter arrived. Slightly damp, and full of holes.. But finally, it was here. I'll admit.. I was nervous. And the few nights of having to wait even longer, just made me more nervous. Then the time came, and I read aloud the words and rhymes, filled with longing and love. It really was, just what I needed to hear. 

I know you struggle with displaying emotions and over all mush.. But the fact you took the time and put so much effort in to trying, just for me.. that speaks volumes. I know I'm not able to be there for spring break.. And perhaps not for some time.. But I feel that's okay. Because everyday that I get to wake up and message you, and see you're smile.. That makes the distance not feel so far. Even though.. There is no place else I'd rather be, then falling asleep in your arms.

And now, to write you back < 3

Vodka, Destructive Behaviours..

And all the reasons why I promised to never drink it again.

This morning, water and suds.. running down my legs, soft stinging.. slight irritation. More so the slight twists, and every step.. as my boot rubs my sock.. my skin.. raw skin. Just a constant reminder, this is how I learn to be a good girl. This is how I learn my lessons.

Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.

This is how I once, long ago, use to learn my lessons.
Perhaps this is why this stinging feels like home.
If it makes any difference, I feel ashamed.
Just new marks to hide.

Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew..

"Just new marks to hide." Which seems silly. But no one wants to see fresh marks. Only pink ribbons left on soft skin. Because by then, they feel they don't have to intervene. As the damage is done, and clearly, they've moved passed it, right? I'm not saying I need someone to intervene. I know better. But vodka, vodka makes me forget that. That's why I swore to never drink it again. But I got nervous, I got scared. I panicked.

And no, I don't wish that I never made them. You've gotta fall to get back up again. Moments of weakness happen. I am, after all, only human.