Run, Run, Run Away?

To Japan? Oh I WISH! ... Its So Tempting Thats For Sure..
http://www.sakura-house.com/

Black & Blue - Chris Garneau

As of late, There Has Been A Recurrence, the good ole wave of blue.

Something I can say, I truly didn't miss, one bit. 

But here is it, Stage Right, Etc.

Double Kidney Washes. Yum.

Although the stress of high school work is passing, the constant pressure of work is still lingering, and well its unpleasant. The factor of money, or well, lack there of, is drilling me down. To top it off, the bindging is returning, so is the feeling of utter hatred within, and of, my own skin.  Gotta love the thought process of an ED mind set, eh?

Oh Little Kamikaze..

Oh little Kamikaze Kitty, I'ma get you toys and treats ♥
Your gonna be fat and round and too lazy/fat to run away from mah luvn

 

I've finally got a little kitty to give all my kitty loving to! Its sure been a long while, and I know he will never EVER replace Max, its just nice to have a little fur ball curled up with me when I'm  feeling ill. His name is Buddy right now, but as of resent events, I've dubbed him Kamikaze kitty, or plain ol' Kamikaze for short. He is the familys kitty right now, and well was lacking love of one full owner, I'm not sure if I'll be taking him with me when I leave for Van and BCIT this spring, but I'll be looking for a place that allows kitties regardless.

Other then that ^...
I gave my two weeks notice! I finally snapped and couldn't take it anymore, that job just isn't worth the stress that its been causing me and well every one else that works there. Now I know that I should have gotten another job all lined up before I gave notice and all that, but I just couldn't hold out for that. I've been appling to places since that night, and things are look'n good for a place or two. I'm not all that worried. since I've finished ALL MY SCHOOL WORK.. FINALLY.. I'll have time for a full time job,  or what ever is offered to me. I really need to add something to my empty bank account.. ho hum..

As for the diet pills? Well, I'm still taking them, I'm still 121 ish, and well I'll be glad to just get to 115 and maintain, leaving my BMI at just 20.4 ish. I'm really not sure anymore if I'd like to get lower.. Thats just the number me and Asia always fought to. I'll see what its like there and re-evalulate when/IF I get there.

Other then that..
I'ma buy a portal cake.

Real  Cake In Store Bakery NOW

Portal Cake.. See The Similarities?!

The Asylum Emporium - "The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls" by Emilie Autumn (2nd Edition with Autographed Bookplate)

The Asylum Emporium - "The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls" by Emilie Autumn (2nd Edition with Autographed Bookplate)

Drool... WANT!

I will be so tiny.: posted this on PT a while ago.

I will be so tiny.: posted this on PT a while ago.: Just a poem I wrote. oh alice, you foolish little girl. you could have had it all in either world. as a child you were scared you were in...

Purge?

YesPlease.

Shoulda Double Thought It

But I Really Couldn't Care Either Way.

I've lost 3.8 lbs, I started Sunday. 

I think I'm back at square one.

 Good. I deserve it.

Hey-o PT

Hey pt, I'm back, I guess.

 I'm really not too sure.

Life with an Eating Disorder

Life with an Eating Disorder

People think its simple. To not eat. Something we each do every single day of our lives to stay alive.
Most think its an easy habit to cut out of your life - that its the "easy way out" to starve yourself.

Anyone with an ED will beg to differ.

When this obsession controls your life and you find yourself trapped - its far from easy. Its the hardest life to live - as an Ana/Mia.
Your mind controls you - every day is a battle between instinct and willpower.

I look in the mirror and see someone that disgusts me. Starving myself makes me feel alive, makes me appreciate beauty and love myself. Love myself up until that point where I cave in and open my mouth for a bite. Just one bite - a bite that throws my self worth and self respect completely off the table.

The world in general likes to look down on people with Eating Disorders - and feel sympathy for the obese. How is that ok???

Us that walk around nearly passing out from weakness in an attempt to find beauty for ourselves - not the world - for our own happiness - and people judge us. The fat person gulping down meds has to be sympathized for "shame honey, don't call her fat". That's not fair.
Its their choice to become so obese, and its ours to limit our food.

This is a constant battle for me, every single day, and its not something a healthy diet will cure or some counseling will fix - this I my reality.
My best friend...Ana.
My worst enemy...Ana.
My life.
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The Curse - Josh Ritter

As I was going about (attempting) my homework, I often use this site to listen to new music, from this, I had found Josh Ritter. I do hope you enjoy it as I have.

The Snake (2008)

The funniest movie about dating a bulimic... possibly ever.

or so IMDB tell me so. 

I've been attempting to get IceFilms to run the damn movie for a little while now, and its yet to get any further. Giving up temporarily, I found an old ep (1989) of Degrassi Junior High, untitled, "Food For Thought" (yeah, I'm drawn to shows with ED eps.. sooorryy.) It was alright, but I've gotta admit, it was quite triggering as well. The part when Kathleen takes off to purge, a thought flashed through my mind "hey, I remember how easy that was, I should start that up again." honestly, that's what inner monologue Sara said. sad eh?

Besides that, when I had gone home to pick up a few things, find a tent etc, while my mum was away, guess what I found under the table? My food journal. The very one I tossed in the trash bag, and told mum to toss away. She when through it. Found my journal. And kept it. SHOOT ME? knowing her however, she's too dense to really know what it is.. and well that's a good thing for me. I dunno though, I felt violated, and weak. Imagine a year of writing, wait, not just that, a year of writing that's not filtered cause you know you'll never share or show the contence of your book. imagine that, found, read, and kept. when you thought it was in the dump by now and will never see the light of day, again.

yeah, burns alittle don't it?

long story short, its sitting, all snug under the matres, Mocking me. (a tad too loudly 

for my comfort.) and I just don't know for the life of me what to do with it. 

help? 

All these thoughts

SickFatLazyStupidHorridFriendlessFaliure

Things going well?

Meh.

But for two hours on Saturday they will be going much better. I've booked a couples masseuse and pedicures, for me and yannics two year anniversary. So I do hope he likes it!

I've reached 122 and a bit, and well thats fine with me. I've been losing slowing, while making healthy choices. I'm still battling all these damn thoughts but well as hard as it is, I've got alot other things to stress over.

all the normal things of course.. again and again.

I've started watching Wilfred, Its the right kind of comedy for me. A twist on something grand that's for sure.

I'm sending my love over seas, and hope it reaches Germany. Its been quite awhile since I've heard from Sarah, and well I know its summer over there and all, but I just hope she's well.

We aren't all perfect

I certainly am no where near.

I broke down crying, in the cereal isle of all places
Too many thoughts running through my head, and everything screaming to get one when I really wanted the other. I'm so glad yannic was there, he helped me talk it out, and I got what one I really wanted. (And damn, it was good.) After saying how bad I felt, a bunch of times, for yannic having to see that, we had a great dicusion on the drive back about things, and inter working of the brain. He told me he is glad I can be so open with him, and to be honest, so am I. It sucks saying I'm close with Naya, when she has no idea whats going on with me.


The real question, is this my road to recovery?

dum dee da

tra la la <3

I really love living here.
just saying.

Little Invisible, Lady?

I'm one assignment from forever being DONE with silly highschool home work.
Oh, and if I havnt said it before, I'll say it again.

I, Love, Yannic.  (a lot in fact)
On sunday we explored, hand in hand, the fair. It was lots of fun indeed! After exploring all the petting animals, and very interesting birds.. We heading down to the fair rides and picked one to ride, Yannic choose the Zipper. Yeah.. I screamed. A lot. There were quite a few "I hate you"s and many horror screams. But I'm glad I got dragged on, I mean sure I was scared, but I admire the fact Yannic nudges me a tad to try new things, and push my boundaries. After I regained my footing, we trotted over to the games area, were a very skilled balloon popper won me a medium sized stuffed Domo! (Ah, he really knows the way to my heart.) We stayed for perhaps a half hour of the rodeo show and went home. It was a cute little date, and I enjoyed every minute.

tomorrow I get my bottom braces on, fun right? no, not at all.. Ah well, I'm meeting up with my mum for some lunch and then my appointment. I figure no pain no gain. And my teeth will be flawless!

Its been about a week without tracking my intake or output. It dosen't really scare me, at least not as much as I thought it would. I still know the amounts in what I'm eating, I just don't tally it up or over think it too much. I've been keeping up with my running, and my vitamins, and really can't wait to have a day off to take it all in. I'm try to slowly change my habbits in to better choices, and damn, Mia's got quite the set of pipes on her, she's hard to keep quite, let alone think over at times. I'm getting alittle better, one day/meal at a time.

I know that I'll be struggling with this my whole life, but at least I'm not at rock bottom anymore.