I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
Its been a long week.. I'm not sure I can even put all my thoughts in to proper sentences to convey them to you.. I'm feeling out of body as of late, I'm watching from a far as I live. I would use the phrase "off in my own world" but thats not quite it either. The staycation is still nagging at me.. I even googled apartments, and jobs. Even the cost of a van for the day. It tare at me that even that thoughts still there, lingering. I know that I've been in one place for too long. Far Too Long. I've been putting everything off to. Sitting around waiting for tomorrow, adding all the uncompleted tasks of today just down to the next day. I'm trying to keep from bigning as well. But thats a whole 'nother story.. I'm starting to doubt my "Sickness". I'm having conversations with my self before bed each night, going over everything. Trying to pin point. Trying to self diagnose. Maybe I'm looking for flaw in everything, Just To Tell Everyone I'm Better. To stop letting them all down. I can't bring my self to tell Yannic or Lauren I didn't go to see Kelly again. Then again, Lauren might be reading this.In that case.. "Hello Lauren *Waves*.. So, I didn't go see her. I Couldn't Bring My Self To. It was after a B/P day, and I just couldn't. It was the back and forth of 'Am I Sick Enough?' 'I'm Just Wasting Her Time.' 'I'm Letting Everyone Down.' cycle.. And I'm Not Sure I Can Go Back. I'm Not Sure I Can.. I'm Sorry, I've Let Not Just You Down, But Everyone, My Self Included.. I want to go to you one day, look you in the eye, and tell you "I'm okay. I'm better now." You have no idea how much I want that. You have truly no idea, how badly I want peace with myself. How I'm so unbelievably lost right now. And How I Want To Pack Up And Go, just like time and time before when things get hard. You Have No Idea, How Much I Envy You. So smile, your so damn lucky. And I'm so damn lucky, to have you as a caring friend." As you all can tell, I'm not all together as of late. Its not all feeling right. Like time is passing me so fast, yet so slowly. I want to take a leap, a month in time see if anything is different. It wont be. But wouldn't that be neat?
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
No comments:
Post a Comment