As Tink Said:

You should make amends with you,
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,

Why not try, and Make yourself?

I’m tugging at my hair:

I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows

Its been a long week.. I'm not sure I can even put all my thoughts in to proper sentences to convey them to you.. I'm feeling out of body as of late, I'm watching from a far as I live. I would use the phrase "off in my own world" but thats not quite it either. The staycation is still nagging at me.. I even googled apartments, and jobs. Even the cost of a van for the day. It tare at me that even that thoughts still there, lingering. I know that I've been in one place for too long. Far Too Long. I've been putting everything off to. Sitting around waiting for tomorrow, adding all the uncompleted tasks of today just down to the next day. I'm trying to keep from bigning as well. But thats a whole 'nother story.. I'm starting to doubt my "Sickness". I'm having conversations with my self before bed each night, going over everything. Trying to pin point. Trying to self diagnose. Maybe I'm looking for flaw in everything, Just To Tell Everyone I'm Better. To stop letting them all down. I can't bring my self to tell Yannic or Lauren I didn't go to see Kelly again. Then again, Lauren might be reading this.In that case.. "Hello Lauren *Waves*.. So, I didn't go see her. I Couldn't Bring My Self To. It was after a B/P day, and I just couldn't. It was the back and forth of 'Am I Sick Enough?' 'I'm Just Wasting Her Time.' 'I'm Letting Everyone Down.' cycle.. And I'm Not Sure I Can Go Back. I'm Not Sure I Can.. I'm Sorry, I've Let Not Just You Down, But Everyone, My Self Included.. I want to go to you one day, look you in the eye, and tell you "I'm okay. I'm better now." You have no idea how much I want that. You have truly no idea, how badly I want peace with myself. How I'm so unbelievably lost right now. And How I Want To Pack Up And Go, just like time and time before when things get hard. You Have No Idea, How Much I Envy You. So smile, your so damn lucky. And I'm so damn lucky, to have you as a caring friend." As you all can tell, I'm not all together as of late. Its not all feeling right. Like time is passing me so fast, yet so slowly. I want to take a leap, a month in time see if anything is different. It wont be. But wouldn't that be neat?

(Cause) I’m feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Project For The Week.

Colour Sample Clock.

I had signed up for the instructibles weekly email a good few months ago, and found each week, something that I would love to make. Not just for me, or the creativity, but for others as well. So I figured, WHY NOT? Jump right on in there, and every week or so, make something outta the news letter. This Week, the Colour Sample Clock, is just what that little project will be!

The link is up there ^ for those intersected, and I shall post my ideas and improvements as I go along. even lots of pic of the finally item!

in·sa·tia·ble

in·sa·tia·ble ( n-s sh -b l, -sh - -). adj.

Impossible to satiate or satisfy: an insatiable appetite.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Theres Always Tomorrow.

And tomorrow is day one of the seven day raw food cleanse. I've still yet to go veggie shopping, but I've wrote up my list, and plan. And day one is a fast anyways. *Note* Even though it is a 24 hour fast. It will start tonight at 6, ending tomorrow at 6 with my first mono fruit meal. (So really, I'm just skipping breakfast and lunch.) I'm really stoked on this all. Saturday I've got a morning kick boxing plans with yannic.. but I'm not too sure how the fasting will go over with that.. Either way I'm glad he will be out here for day one. If he wasn't I'm not sure I'd be able to make it. The sweetest thing he did last night as well.. The program sent me a bunch of information to print off for the week (one booklet with 22 pages!) My printer is outta order right now and yannic offered to print em off (after a few protest from me over the larger booklet ..) he even hole punched, stapled and filed them in a folder! simply the sweetest! He said he put effort in to the booklets, now I've gotta put effort in to the program. And thats just what I plan to do. If it goes over well, I might just stick with it. There is tons of recipes I've found, and I know a handful of people that are raw foodies so I've always got a source for info when I need it. On top of that, I own 5-10 books on healthy eat, health foods, and nutritional FAQ's. (If I spent half as much time highlighting, and working on my homework? I'd be done by now!) My mum keeps bringing up the fact I'm really into this all, all the nutritional aspects of the food world. and well I really am. She keeps saying I should go to school for it. Become a health guru or something. 

But really.. Who would wanted health tips from an EDNOS* ?

*Yes, EDNOS. I Haven't Purged In Over A Week. No Hardcore Binges either. Which I'm sorta upset over.. I mean, don't get me wrong! I LOVE the fact both have almost come to a complete halt. But now I'm not under a label. (Not that I enjoyed the labels to start) I makes me feel lesser, Like I'm Not "Sick" Enough To Be Classified Under A Text Book ED.

Although, On The Other Hand, EDNOS To Me, Would Be One Of The Worser. Means You've Got Everything That Classifies An ED *Not the underweight, or loss of monthlys things in most cases* All Jamed in to one head. And thats very damaging, mentally as well.

I'm just glad I've got my head outta the toilet. Have you ever really thought how many hours, days even, that bulimics are there, purging. Its mind blowing. 

The Raw Divas:

Yes, I Know. Yet Another Plan. Its not for the weight loss. Its all for the structure. Its for the fact I find all ends of the nutrition spectrum simply fascinating. And after exploring the vegan side of things, why not take it a step further? Yes, raw food. I stumbled upon another challenge, and I think right now thats what I need. You can find the info here. And for those that don't want to dig through the FAQ, here is the little booklet they sent me to prepare. I'm really revved for this, and even got my mum interested as well. Sitting at 124, but it doesn't really bother me, I mean I was at 127 on Monday, and my weight has been bouncing around with the same 5 pounds for the last few months, I look more toned however. And with the running program I started, I'm sure my legs will get a good tone by the end. Right now I want to focus more on the day by day aspect, listening to my body, and rebooting from all the shit I've put it through. No, I'm not taking another stab at recovery. [3rd Attempt..] I'm trying to be mature about it all though. I'm not going to sit and whine. I'm not going to put that little voice in the back of my head on speaker phone. Some days are, and will be, bad day. There is no getting around that. But I'm not going to let that one bad day [Monday..] take over the rest of my week. I'm making more time to walk/bike places, and along with my running program,I'm aiming to be more active with Yannic as well [No.. Not What I Ment..] I've invited Yannic to join me for Saturday morning kick-boxing drop-in. I want my excersie to be fun, not to have the out put amount weighting on my mind.

Oh Monday?

Just So You Know.. I'll Get You Back. *Shakes Fist* one of these days.. one of these monday's, it'll be a good monday. just you see! Once again, I've been loosing myself in plans, always planning my tommorrow, and tommorrows yet to come. I've got that damn staycation stuck in my head. Feeling guitly for thinking of it. But either way.. its a lingering thought.Things at home, are things at home. nur. too much shit, way too much shit. and well. Mondays dont help.

Little Things,

Here And There, Remind Me I'm Alive. And its truly things like these that make me stop for a moment, just to take it all in a second longer. I'm trying, as of late, to take a new approach to things. I've been crying over spilled milk for far too long. And I want to make the best of it all. I'm taking another look into the exciting world of graphic design, and perhaps majoring in calligraphy or type. But I know to even get there, I need to finish high school and then take it day by day. I canceled my appointment at the Frazer mental health. I'm not ready to give up on my self. how ever, I want to focus on loving my days, not fearing whats to come. 

Redefined.

Again And Again. Its What I Do Best. I'm Never Done Changing. And Thats Just, How, It, Should Be.

Rule 32

Enjoy The Little Things.

These Days:

Life Has Been Just Passing Me By. Rather. It Always Has Been. But I Can't Let It. Shit Gets Hard. Its Always Gonna Get Hard. But You've Gotta Take It As It Comes. And Never Stop Swinging.

Goal Of The Day: Use the phrase "I Choose To." Rather Than "I Have To."

Totally Outrageous

Drinking Games!

Happily Brought To You From The Uk.. 

And Their Odd Sence Of Humor!

Cal Cal Cal Cals, Cal Cal Cal Cals, Cal Cal CALS! And Many More To Come. From Last Night, I've Just Said Fuck It. Let It Come As It Does. Tonight is a little get together at my place with Kimmbelly and Yannic. Drinking, Video Games, And Cranium. Huzzah! Don't ask how kim wishes to turn cranium in to a drinking game.. she just does.. I know there is alot of stress to come tomorrow. Let it. I want to stop the numbers for just one day. Let me smile. Let me laugh. Let me be good at cranium. (I've never played)

I wish I could say more. 

Wish It Was Easier..

Night-after-Night..

Dream After Dream. 

It tears at me, over and over again. I ran away from my problems. And left him to rot. Left him to die. Left him with out love, or caring. I left him. It hurts more then I ever thought it could. And nothing can change that. 

I awoke from last nights dream, drenched in sweat, my sheets a mess, and my stumic turning. It was the most real life dream I've to date have experienced. I was living at dad's. At first the dream wasn't about that, but that's only the parts I can recall. I wanted to leave. To go home. He wouldn't let me. He started the trailer and informed me we were leaving. I had no choice. I was terrified, And Screaming For Him To Pull Over. To Let Me Out. I was ready to jump out of the truck if he didn't stop. I had grabbed Max from the back of dad's truck as he was driving away. I barely got him. I barely escaped. He was in my arms, I could feel the softness of his fur.  I had a tightness in my chest walking back down the road, Max in my arms, I clung to him. I began to run, and cry. Crying so hard no sound came out. In desperation, I ran to the first house, begging for help before I reached the door. Thats when I woke up.

I'm not sure what it all means, nor do I want to remember it. I know that I miss him, and that it all hurts. So damn much. And I know that right now I'm scared to go back to sleep, afraid I'll dream of him again. I'm afraid to start crying, scared I won't be able to stop. 

120, and .. No:

I Didn't Get Sucked Into A Black Hole. 

Promise.

I did however, lose myself alittle. Getting sucked into all thats going on around me. I've planned to take another stab at journaling. seeing as my last note book will be forever an item of great value to me. As for schooling, its all the same. Work? It still blows funky smelling chunks-o-fail. Home.. To be honest, its all starting to revert into how life use to be here.. and that really worries me. Mum is coming home, later, drunker. And we are bashing heads like in years past. I guess it was only a matter of time.. But I Just Wish It Didn't Have To Be. Work and all that of finding a new job.. Isn't all peaches and cream either. I've applied at all thats being posted, and will start working less hours after this week. The deadline is March it seems. And If I Don't Find Anything Out There, there is always plan B. I've gone to my first FMH meeting.. Met the cheery Kelly, and spilled about everything little thing. Its hard telling some one your story. Cause you can never get all the details in. It'll come out wrong, and she'll think your nuts. Lets Hope It Doesn't Come To That. I've Been Feeling Crafty As Of Late. I'm back to clipping my Thrasher And Transworld's. And really enjoying the smell of glue.. Lawlness. I'm not sure how long it'll last, but I hope to get my calligraphy pens and oil paints out before it passes. 

I'm not sure how much longer this wifi will last, so I'll say my fair wells now. And post when and if wifi is around for my taking. IOU 1 Long Explaining Post Of Win, Kay? Kay. Promise.