I Know Your There.

I Know You Read These Words... 

But I Crave The Feed Back. I was terrified to reopen my blog, only cause I knew you'd see the words that pour out of me. Words that I carelessly trow out in to cyber-space for complete strangers to view. It just gets so damn hard some days. I want so much to be everything to you. I want to show you, to prove to you that I'm not stupid, I'm not wasting my life. I crave to be out there, to attend art school, make something of my self. I crave to see a look of approval. To earn a hardy well-done. I know its time for me to grow up. Its been a while since I've taken responsibility for my actions. For my faults. Just Wish So Badly When I Tell You I Love You, You'd Listen. Its more then just a repeated phrase. It means I'm yours. It means that I trust you with everything, even though I know I don't deserve it in return. It means, I'm So Damn Sorry, And That I Always Will Be. It means, For All The Times, All The Little Things, I Lie, Its So You Think I'm Okay. I'm really not. But that's for another post.

Contains Aspertain.

I'm Going To Make My Video Blog, In To A Tidbit Blog, Chopped Full Of Little Useful Things That Will Enlighten You To Switch Out Your Food Choices For Much Healthier Ones.

Would You Be Impressed?

Smile,

Its The End Of The World.

" A tournament,
tournament, a tournament of lies.  Offer me  solutions,
offer me alternatives and I decline."

This Is..

A Story Of A Girl.

It Goes, Just So:

Leg Gap?

YourDoingItRight

It all just hit the floor, all that happiness sucked from me with just a comment. I was leaving the mall, shopping bag full of low cal veggies and a coke zero in my hand, I was practically bouncing as I walked. Big mistake. These two girls, maybe my age, maybe a year older. One with a child, and both in ridiculously skin tight dresses and heels. Looked me up and down, eyes pricing, just looking for a fight. I lower my head, and walk slower past. Praying they just leave me be. "Pft, She'll Need More The A Diet Soda To Lose All That Weight. Why Dose She Even Bother." The other scoffs and replies "I'm Just Surprised They Make Pants That Big."... I swore I was about to be sick. I wanted nothing more then to scream back at them, "I've Only Had 200 Calories Today! And For The Past Month I've Never Ventured Above 600! I'm At My Lowest Weight! I Bet The Neither Of You Have Ever Seen The Scale Read 119! You Don't Know What Your Talking About!" I wanted to swear.. To curse their names.. To Punch That Damn Baby..

"Its So Cute

How Rambunctious You Are."

 

A Little Bit Of

This, & That.

It was another sleepless night. As cliche as  that sounds, its true. Up thinking of all the words he screamed at me, via type, it screams the loudest. I kept repeating that one line, till the end of time it will always get at me. "No one is going to wait for you Sara, no ones going to put there life on hold so you can keep up." And, With Out A Doubt, He Is Right. (Never thought I'd say that..) I've got to simply stop complaining, My life isn't ever as bad as I'd like to think it is. I've dropped all hopes of EVER going/getting in to Vancouver Film School, but its beyond wrong for me to just trow away every hope for me to go to The Art Institutes. I mean really.. I've already been accepted, I just need to suck up the fact the Ministry is a bunch of lying sacks of dirt and apply for loans. Yannic Is Right As Well, Its Four Months Max Of Schooling. That much is do able. Just Gotta Sit There And Get Er' Done. On the other hand, I think Kim and me are slipping, rather.. Me and EVERYONE is slipping away.  No matter how many times I try and tell myself I dont even like people, Its never all that true. I miss phone calls to come and play, miss sleep overs, and junk food, and being careless, laughing and hugging, being close, and telling them just whats on my mind. Now That I Think About It. It Was Never That Way. This is the turning point, when Ana and Mia became my closest friends, and I need to figure out weather to keep pushing everything and everyone away, or keep Ana and Mia close and only mine. It all comes done to how hard I'm willing to try. And trying has never been something I've been good at. Not when I Know So Much Hurt Is Involved.

She Wants Revenge.

Tear You Apart <3

He Sings:

"

How you turn my world You precious thing. You starve and near exhaust me. Everything I've done, I've done for you. I move the stars for no one.

"

To Me Your The Lonely Goblin King.

 You Hold No Power Over Me.

Graphic Design:

Its In My Bones. 

Little Zilla?

RawrSqared

Scale Reads : 119.3

Beast:
Now You Are Free To Loath Me To Your Hearts Content.

Scream.

Tilt Your Head Back My Dear And Let Your Demons Out. Let Them.
You Can Only Dance With Her For So Long.

Care To Tango?

I'm telling you, its okay. Please. Just listen. I want this. More then anything.
And I've Come To Understand What I Must Do.

Ana, my hand is duck taped to yours. Let Us Tango Until Dawn.

Buh-Bump Buh-Bump

Heart is pounding.. Racing.. Mind and thoughts are going just as fast.
I can't sit still.. I can't stop pacing the bathroom..

"What Have I Done! What A Failure!" 

"Need To Act.. Need To Do It.. Before Its Too Late.."

Hurtful words pour from her lips.. I recoil with out reply.
Frozen In Place.


I'm Injured. Scared. Alone. In Tears.
All I can hear is screams from them both.


But I Stand My Ground.
I wont let them win.

Thought You Said ..

It'll Be Everything.
Pain Felt. Thought Formed. Lies. And Blood.
Honest And Heart Filled Truth.


All With Invisible Ink..

And The Resalts Are In..

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Heads, Or Tails?

Contains Concern.

I've spent a long while here.
Too Long?
I can't tell.
I'm beginning to worry however.
Will He Get Sick Of Me?
I feel like utter shit leaching off him.
As horrid as it sounds,
That Just What It Is.
I really honestly don't want to.
I want to pitch in.
I crave to be able to pay the tab.

it kills me knowing i'm a bother.

That I'm Just A Bill Hanging Over Him.

I Want His Companionship.
Not His Wallet.

My Dear PT

One Step At A Time.

Dear body,

Dear body,
I hate you and have always hated you. I'm ashamed to own you and no matter what I do, you'll never look good. You're fat and I hate it.
Dear body,
I'm sorry that I hurt you all the time. I'm sorry that I allow you to become sick all the time because I don't want to feed you. I'm sorry that I haven't taken you out to exercise or run or play in six years because I'm ashamed of you. I'm sorry that I don't take care of you and I feel the need to escape you or shrink you down to nothing. I'm sorry that I starve and dehydrate you and every time that I attempt to nourish you, I squeeze your stomach and pinch your thighs until I throw it up. You haven't given up on me, yet I keep punishing you for keeping me alive. I'm sorry.
-Me

On My Mind?

How I miss just getting up when I'm feeling peckish. How I could grab what ever in the cubured and Nom away guilt free.

Oh how times have changed.

Seep For 2-5 Mintues, Enjoy.

123. 1-2-3.
over and over. and its driving me mad.
I was D-D-droping. each day .5-.8
now i'm stuck. nothing over nothing under.
just 123lbs.
i'm freaking this is all i'll ever be.

but i cant stop now

not going to happen

[X]130
[X]125
[X]120
[_]110
[_]98
[_]95

Dear Hacker.

May Your Soul Rest In The Deepest Pit Of Hell. 
Etc.

To whom ever you may be, I hope you realize my world came crashing down the moment Google sent me the notice of email change message. I hope your lucky Google never really deletes anything and that I was able to recover my blog. And that even though I poured my heart and soul in to the writing you so carelessly abused and discarded, it dose not make it any more okay I wish the utmost painful death upon you. Feel My Heart Ache As Guilt Falls Down Heavy On You. May you never find happiness, and when you do, may that as well fall as a heavy burden on your shoulders.

Oh And One Last Thing,
Fuck You.

One Two Three :

And She's All Grown Up.

Seems I've finally hit nineteen, yes I know I'm still eighteen but I feel everything's coming together. Its all in my control. Making friends slowly, sure they are outta my continent.. but friends nonetheless. My schooling will come together soon, and the ministry will be fallow suit. For now, I sit and smile, sit and enjoy. Sure the thoughts plague me when I'm alone. But its just best to push past them. Nothing will ever be the same and I'm confident that I never want it to be. No matter what my dreams say.

She's All That,

And A Diet Coke...

Back On Track, Back In Control.

This Is Just How It Should Be

Pounds Are Dropping, And Lifes Getting Brighter.

The One Year Mark Is Less Then A Week Away.
I'm Hoping Play Land Passes And 102 Reasons Will Do.

Might Even Have A Hook Up For E Soon.

Just One Night Of A Good Trip Is All I'm Asking.
Maybe I'll Find Some ADD Meds While I'm At It.
Then Nothing Can Stop Me.

"Once In A Life Time."

"Everybody's Looking For What We've Found."