A glass of wine.. Or two?

And I'm all ready to mingle. 

I think I've been keeping up with the scoial demands that Mikes' family is placing up upon me, Give me a glass or two of wine, and I'll happily sit and make little chit chat with whom ever. 

Not saying it'll be okay. Not saying it'll be nice.

But I'll happen. 

That plus a year, and food. You'll have an alright Ember with enough to say and do enough that is expected.

I even came downstairs willingly this time. Started conversations before wine, and stayed to chat after the wine was out. I've earned extra stars! 

Outside of this progress, I've been working towards secret keeping and whispering to only myself and bear. 

Landing me at 120.3 lbs down from 128. 

Say what you what, it's from will and determantation. 

Though cafine pills sure do help keep my hands busy on days off..

I'm not doing so well. 

Only you and Tio know this. 

And the girl at the check out. They one that saw my pills and desperation. 

With in notes..

To blog?

Things written and perhaps posted..

Things have been going down stream. Purging when I'm a little scared.

But I've made it to 120. (Though, 120 on his mum's scale is a few pounds more then mine.) But I'll take it! It is far less then I've been in a long while though. My only goal right now was to fit my corset anyways. 

It scares me though, can't over fill these messurments. 

Skipping meals to drink. Wine and gin are better than food. Always. 

One thing has led to another...

And I've been purging. (Only twice, I'm okay now)

And I've acquired diet pills. (Vegan things that control hunger? Sorta?)

And I'm okay will this. Cause I feel that this needed to happen. 

I've got a plan to fit more so into my cosplay come May.. But more so I'd really like to prove guppy wrong. He thinks this "unhealthy eating" isn't bad? Oh I'll show him. 

Workout daily, restricted eating. I won't fall back on purging and pills like before, it's not like it was before. I'm in control this time. And honestly, it's the only thing letting me get through all this transphobia. 

I'll hit my goals. I'll show him. He needs to start eating and isn't aware how bad it will get. 

In other news; depression is fun. I'm talking again with phasor too, which is really nice. I've missed his companionship. Like I do, I worry. I do he is capable of so so much, that big brain of his. I still feel as if I've let him down walking away when it got hard. I just knew I couldn't help him in ways that he needed me. I was going through things, and honestly couldn't give him the attention and love he needed. No matter how much I wish I could. Makes me regret what happened on my visit even more so.. I was hit with such a huge wave of blue and wasn't in any state to care for another. And it was wrong of me to put it on his shoulders. I think it would have been easier staying in bed, like we promised the last time we were together. 

Lack of communication.. Just the thing I'm good at. And always fails me. 

I've been getting better though. These pills have helped and I'm seeing so much improvement. Just got to keep working. And well, that's the plan. So fingers crossed!