Two little make-up bags..

.. And the person I am inside.

I'm trying to suppress him. I went out and bought a little bit of cheap contorting make-up for the male days, something to sharpen my nose and jaw line. Broaden my brows. I've been panicking, keeping my eyes off the mens clothing, shoes, anything.. everything. I'm growing out my hair. Only female clothes, only female pronouns. From here out.

I felt sick though. Trying to look away. Trying to keep myself in check. Trying to keep on my biological side of the spectrum.

I know I'm not transgender. Not completely. And being both isn't an option. Being both doesn't make sense. I really thought it did, I really thought I was okay. It's hard and confusing. And .. I can't. I won't.

Sexuality is one thing, but gender.. How can.. How can I possibly be both?! Just.. need to stop kidding myself. Stop asking others to give in to my delusions.

Perhaps that now that side has a name.. It's gone to far.

I'm sorry Toby. no one will get a chance to say your name.