The coast is not yet clear

We need you here, we need you here.

Cocaine and diet pills, light as a feather graceful like a ballerina.

Days are blurring together, 110.4, but I'll do better one day, 110.4, sooner or later I'll hit bottom, right?

I know I should be busy doing something, something that will get me further along with my life, with my goals. But all I can think about, 110.4, is something that is taking over my life, 110.4, but I'll hit bottom sooner or later, right?

I really have to take control.
I have things I need to man up and get done.
I am the only one that can do them, no one else.

For now, I'll listen to match box twenty and stare at my feet, finish my cigarette and try to sleep.

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will I shake this off, will I be okay?

Breath in, exhale.
Repeat.

Taking pills, for the pills I'm taking.

I "forgot" my welburtin today. But took four of those fancy diet pills. They are driving me mad. I'm in pain. I haven't a clue what I'm doing anymore.

I miss coke, not cause of the high, but my lives predictability with it, and with me on it.

I promised though.

But what's my word worth any more?

In a box, watching traffic.

I hate what this "disorder" does to me, and my social interactions. Leaves me cold and alone at this bus stop. Leaves me unable to just say, "oh this tummy ache? No reason to worry, self inflicted, diet pills. That's all." leaves me at 112 and so alone. Sure I can talk to him about everything, but it's never the same talking about things that are currently going on, then it's a fresh wound, not like old ones I've already dissected and figured out myself.

Dear maria, count me in. There's a story at the bottom of this bottle, and I'm the pen.

Let's see how far I can fall this time. Let's see how far I can stretch and bend to feed this. How many lies will it take this time. I'm scared to count, but too curious to stop.

Hard to explain this drive. It's been too long since I've felt it this strong. Too long, and that scares me as well.

That photo? It's an old navy size two.

I'm a size one at urban planet.
I'm a size zero at old navy.
I'm a size zero?

Let's push it further.
Let's play with fire shall we?

At the Rocky Horror Picture Show..

We'll all do the time warp!

Had the best date yesterday with Jason. The Rio was playing 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' and Jason had never seen the movie, so if you've never seen it, a live performance is the way to go!

We met up for broadway sushi, I brought him a single red rose, and a heart shaped box of heresy kisses, and to be honest.. It was the best dinner out ive had in a while. (well excluding going out with naya) we laughed and talked and well, enjoyed ourselves.

I think this is a great start to something amazing...

Mountains and rivers, even the lakes.

111.4 lbs

Yeah.


I'm planning my cosplay, watching thor, sipping beer. I missed beer. I hate what it does to me. I missed coke. I hate that. I hate it, and my stirring desire to use it. 

Wanted to play video games, realized that Yannic has my other controller. 
Well, gotta go buy another one. 

I hate that he unfriended me.

How adult is that? It isn't. 

I hate myself. 

111.4

111.4

Took a durirex..

Took a laxitve..

I hate myself.

111.4

111.4

Can't purge, promised I wouldn't.

But.. I hate myself.

Help me?

Cause I don't know what to do right now. 

"I'm a Dapper Dan man!"

Not much has changed since my last post. But maybe that's a good thing.

Jason and I are planning a trip to go play in the snow, snow boarding and snow shoeing, maybe even a few sunsets in each others arms..*blush*

It's such a nice change of pace being with him, even just planning this trip, it's tons diffrent the. Ever I've been through before. I've got input, I'm a part of planning, of progress, and that makes my anexity pretty much non-excistant, which is a new thing for me. Planning of any sort always gets my knickers in a knot.. But he understands this, he listens to me.

Jason even is helping me look into my bcit schooling, and with my eating. Speaking of my eating, hit 112.8 this morning. Yup.

Xoxo little Alice

These Phases of The Moon

Goes just like so..


Alot has happened since my last few posts, and I would have updated forever ago, but being as busy as I've been, and well.. lacking internet connection really isn't a motivation booster, as typing out these long posts can be such a chore on my iPod. But I promised an update, so here it goes.

The last you heard from me, I was up in the air over quite a few things. I'm happy to say most of these sorted them selves out. One of thoes things being Yannic and i, now when I say this, I mean I finally grew the balls and we had a "talk". It's over. It ended dramatically with the classic, "if I leave out this door, I'm not coming back. What do you want me to do." and I said simply " I think you should go." and he left.

I think I feel worse because I don't feel that bad. I'm sure sooner or later it'll hit me full force with a "he is really gone, it's really over." but that's not now, ive already started to move on a long while ago, so it's not fresh for me anymore. But I don't fine any pleasure in hurting others, hence why it dragged on this long. But Jason was right, I was hurting him more but letting it drag on, by giving him that false hope.

Speaking of Jason, we've become closer, better friends and closer lovers (as corny as that sounds..) but really, being open and close with someone on this many levels reflects in the bedroom, as adventurousness and passion.

Even though it was a day and a half, in the sweetest (very middle school) way, he asked me to be his..  We are now "dating". Which is sorta silly cause it feels like we've been  in a realasionship for some time now, even though nothing was "official" but now it is, we even had champain to celebrate, very adult like ;-)

Tomorrow is another day at work, and work is another post all together.. But that's for another day..


PS hit 113.4 lbs. get enough blow in me and I'll see 109 sooner then later.
Xoxo think thin..
Alice