Hello March.

How Have You Been? I've Missed You So.

It seems a group of ABC'ers are at it agian.
Well they are right.. march is another month.
And i've got alot of work towards.. a huge goal and a fast coming endline.

i'll head off and hfind my current stats.
i need this so so badly.

good luck? cause man i'll need it..

You Try And Try,

The Only Difference Is, I Cant Move.

These Last Few Weeks Have Been Hell.
over 3000 cals per day.. for the last 3 weeks.
i dont like how things are going. and i cant stop.
ive forgotten what its like to be happy.
ive begun to spiral down and down.

and i'm not liking the looks of this at all.
i say "tomorrow, there is always tomorrow."
but i've never stopped to think of how all the yesterdays seem to add up.
and well..man have they added up.

i can say i'm starting now.
i could just as easily have said this is day 6 of a fast.
its all lies.

and i really dont think i can deal with this.

sure they'll put me on antidepressants.

and they'll make me talk
and talk
and talk

but when the door closes,
the cupboards will be bare.

end it all now. please.

Well. La Dee Da.

You act so damn high and mighty.
But your stone cold sober.

I just want a healthy, slender body.
Is that too much to ask?

I've gone in for help.
Do they always treat a girl with an ED like she knows nothing?

Bigger is never beautiful.
But tiny is too hard to reach.

Life Would be simple.
If i could only forget you.

Oh the things you dont know.
My friend, they could fill a book.

Well, What If?

What If I Showed You This Site? And My Blog?

Maybe my PT account.
Perhaps my Ana notebook.

Maybe the place i hide my laxatives.
Or my bindings.

What if you stumbled upon my scars.
Or the safety pins that cause them.

What would you still think so damn highly of me?

Your Almost Here.

I've Missed You Like Mad.
You've Been Gone, For Far Far Too Long.

But Now, Now Your Finally Coming Home To The Arms That Should Be Holding You Safe.

My Dearest. I Love You Like No Other.
Your Perect For Me In Every Way.

I Think Your The One.

But I Cant Love You Completely Till I Let Him Go.
I'll Never Be Able To Let Him Go.

My Love,

Its Not Too Late, Its Never Too Late.

I want nothing more then to scream
"Turn your car around. Its not to late."
I Tell Him
"I'm not worth the trip."
He does as i instruct
"I'm nothing compared to you. Stop wasting you time."

But I Whisper.
"I love you."
He knows..
"Your my everything."
He wont hear from the other side of the phone
"I push push push you away, I'm not perfect, i'm nothing for you."

3 Hours Away.

And I Start To Worry.
I Not good Enought. I Should Tell Him This.

Scream and tell him to turn the car around.
"Dont come a mile closer." I should say
"There is nothing here for you."

Why?

Cause I love him like mad. He is my everything.
Amazing and simply perfect for me in every way.

I Still Love You.

And The Worst Part Is,.
To You, I'm Dead.

But I'm Still Holding on.
still holding on to your memory.
your smile..
your kiss..


I cant ever truly, or fully be with him.
Not until i let you go.

Oh Oh Oh,

If You Only Knew, You Wouldnt Love Me.

It Only Hurts - Default

Can hold my breath

only for a little while

'til reality starts sinking in

This Song Is My Life,

Every Word Fitting Just So

Say No?

Its Only Two Letters.. Cants Possibly Be That Hard..

But the demons just keep calling me back..

My Heart Beats Faster

As The Day Grows Shorter..

He'll be here soon.. 3 days..

I Miss His Hands.
smile
kiss
sent
touch
warmth
laugh

Fun Facts Of The Day:

Having The Will Power To Say Sorry, Is Ten Million Times Easier Then Saying No To Food..

So I Went To Her. Told Her Everything I Held Back.
Now I Just Have To Wait.

I Fucken Hate Waiting.

You You You..

Make My Heart Race..

And I Only Want To Be Perfect For You..
To make your heart race.. maybe even take your break away from time to time.


I merly want to see your jaw drop.
is it too much to ask that my eating habbits are left be then.

I Only Want A Twinky..

And Oat Meal.. And Some Cookies.. Maybe Another Slice Of Cake..


Nur.. It just keeps happening..
I went in to the doctors..
i dont think he understood how bad it is..
i dont think i want him to know..

Drama Drama

Ever Girls With ED Bitch.

ugh . . grow up! that is all.

14th Is Just A Day.

But I Was Hoping To Spend It With You..

It the frist V-day i've ever had someone to care about..
To show that i love them
And that there is someone that cares deeply about them..

But there he sits.. Nine hours away missing me like mad..
but its the thought that counts. and besides, its only a day on a calender.
and well when he dose get here,. here he'll be.
with me and thats just where he should be.

<3

Your My Love,

My Friend, My Everything.

I Starve For You.

Yellow Beads And I'm All A Futter.

Yellow Means Recovery. But I'm Not Done Yet.

I've hit the 122 mark, well not a mark, but its a hell of alot closer then 140 >_<
and well i'm so happy. i was soo worried about the week of bigning.. and how that would add up in the end.
but its okay.
if i stay strong this week and work out like last night every night i'll be okay.
i can do this.
really.
i can.

Days-Weeks-Years

Some Days Are Better Then Others.

Today i know i'll push through.
Yesterday i tore down.
Months ago i was in the dark.

Tommorrow i'll know what i didnt today.
And soon, i'll be where i want to be.

I wont be easy.
But that wont ever stop me.

See My Eyes?

Cause They See Yours.

I feel as if i'm hiding. Hiding in my own skin.
I feel you dont tell me everything. That your keeping the worse away.
Maybe its what i'm doing to you. I love you.. With all my heart.
And its as if you dont understand that.

Youve met me at a very hard time in my life.
I've started to live on my own. - for my rents disowned me
I've got huge dreams of Art School. -i'm failing high school.
I found my love. - but i wont let you love me back.
I'm not perfect. -mia and ana told me so.

Now if you saw my note book. what would you say?

You Call To Me..

Telling Me Things I Want To Hear..

Its happened again.. twice.. and i just cant stop myself.. the binges get smaller. but its not the point.. the point is its still happening..

i need you now more then ever. to tell me no. to tell me to stop. to tear me away..

Tear me apart.

And Stop This Fighting Heart.

Days Like These I Feel So Helpless.. Feel So Far Far Away..

I Need You To Know.

I'm up through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk to the light.

I need you to know we'll be okay.
Together we'll make it thorough another day.

Oh the points..

they do add up..

"we met because i thought that crayons and zombies went together in a strange but humorous manner"

Words..

They Mean Nothing. So Do Promises To Your Self...

I'm simply sick of doing this.. night after night.. it terrifies me..
i do so damn well during the day.. last night i almost made it.. almost..

i can only promise to do better.. only promise.. it'll never happen.
but at least i try?

I'm not only letting down myself.. I'm letting down my Ana friends, and
well..
my health.

I was so close to getting help..
so
damn
close..