Soundtrack, tape one.

Side A.

My monster is restless.

I'm happy your happy.
Rolls for perception.
But in can still feel a wall has gone up.

Have I gone too far? Said too much? Leaned too heavy?

My monster is agitated. Unstable medication processes. Listless. Unstable reasoning.

Why am I found waiting for others. Having plan B. Why not accept this present and move forward. Run.

I found this connection. Having plan B. Enjoying most of this present and working forward. Breathe.

Roll for jinx to pass. 1.
Dizzy spell, vertigo attack.

Where do I end and you begin? How far are your roots into my mental processes. How do I end you and begin me? When can I remember to breathe.

I'm happy your happy.

I'm in no state to scale walls.
HP 2.5 MP 1 LVL 25

Roll for Night Terror

Pause, play. Mute.

Heavy words mouthed, and the marks they leave.

We were intertwined. The first time I was ever asked. Gentle nudges, soft kisses. The first time I've given full consent. One step at a time, savouring the deep energy exchange. Bodies moving as breath quickened. Offering you the passion you lacked was something I craved.

I heard your ring drop to the carpet.

Our energy ignited.

The room melted.

I forgot how out of practice I am.

Pause. Made a fool of myself. Play. Was this a fire for your cold bed? Mute.

Drop the bass

Or a brick.

Or the words I fought to say from my crumpled shaking body. Which you wrote down, but didn't hear.

Or the words I didn't say, held tightly under band aids and close to my weak self.

I lost you.
Or did you loose me?

I found a mirror.
My face blurred, in and out of focus.
My past demons stirring.

I found something sharper than my wit.
My hand stained and shaking.
My past demons stirring.

I found something more destructive than my will to live.
My heart heavy.
My current demons thriving.

I found you.
Or did you find me?
As I was loosing myself.
As you were lost in yourself.

I found room to breathe.

Please,

Do not be concerned.

I am unwell.

Your worry is noted.

I am, unwell.

I am, medicated.

I am.

For now.

For now, let me rest.

For now, let me focus on breathing.

For now, I am unwell.

This feels all too familiar.

Remember the words that the wiseman told you

Treasure the scars that the woodlands gave you

Make them a sign of your might

The cold in the wind and the rain may scald you

But freedom it comes at a price

This might be our moment. Rail line snakes, weaving and growing just before it splits, fractions parting ways to never rejoin. The ball sinks down, resting now comfortably within the orange glow of my second chakra. My gaze drops too, eyes unblinking now fixating on backlit keys. How can we be inflicting so much unnecessary pain. Breath in, ribs expand, hold. Exhale. 

My hands are darker now, too many hours lately in the sun. I've been enjoying it, sans sunburn. When ever I see my hands I think of yours, they are strong, soft, and always warm. You have kind hands. I got a new little plant, I think you'd like him. I made a human friend too! They experienced a past very similar to my own.  They have kind eyes and a soft smile.  We are going to build a fabulous outfit for them to wear to pride, I'm really honored to help. Frejya turned one yesterday, she's growing so fast, bigger than Luna now. We threw a party, nothing too fancy. Catnip bubbles play time followed with top notch wet food dinner and a love filled card to mark the occasion.  It hangs on our banner of important cards. It makes me feel empty. Everyone is so proud of milestones my heart isn't reaching. I've got a diagnoses. As memories are ties to reason, flashes of darkness reach my eyes. I was hurt. Unearthed baggage lost at sea. Another thing I'd never be able to tell you.  I feel you really wanted to be okay with everything. With. Me. And I also feel hurt. Scared. Medicated. Tired.. 

There's beauty in longing and desperation

It means that you've not given up

What would be so wrong about the truth?
Filter free until eyes would read my words. 

So focus the fervor of your frustration

Use it to fly, not to drop 

This is my space, and the poetry shall continue,
truth now covered in glitter. 

Side effects.

 Gabapentin works by affecting the
transmission of nerve signals in the brain.

The usual maximum daily dose is 2,400 mg taken in 3 equal doses of 800 mg each.Gabapentin may be taken with or without food.

Gabapentin may also be prescribed to treat restless legs syndrome (RLS), to relieve numbness and tingling related to diabetes, to prevent hot flashes, and to relieve pain that can accompany shingles (known as postherpetic neuralgia).

It is important that this medication be taken exactly as prescribed by your doctor.Do not take a double dose to make up for a missed one. 

100 mg
Each hard gelatin capsule with white opaque cap and body and white-to-off-white powder fill, imprinted "APO 100", contains 100 mg of gabapentin. Nonmedicinal ingredients: magnesium stearate, sodium croscarmellose, and talc; capsule shell: edible blue ink, gelatin, silicon dioxide, sodium lauryl sulphate, and titanium dioxide.

A side effect is an unwanted response to a medication when it is taken in normal doses.
Side effects can be mild or severe, temporary or permanent.

The following side effects have been reported by at least 1% of people taking this medication.
Many of these side effects can be managed, and some may go away on their own over time.

back pain

constipation

coughing

dizziness

drowsiness

dry mouth

erectile difficulties

fatigue

headache

heartburn

increased appetite

itchy skin

muscle pain

nervousness

runny nose

sore throat

swelling of feet or ankles

tremors (shaking)

twitching

weight gain

Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur:

• abnormal heartbeat or heart palpitations
  abnormal thoughts
• involuntary eye movements,
  double vision, or other vision changes
• poor coordination
• problems with your teeth or gums
• shortness of breath
• speech problems such as slurred speech; abnormal rhythm,
   speed, or tone of speech; limited mouth or tongue movements; or drooling
• signs of depression
  (e.g., poor concentration, changes in weight,
   changes in sleep, decreased interest in activities,
   thoughts of suicide)
• signs of infection
  (symptoms may include fever or chills,
  severe diarrhea, shortness of breath,
   prolonged dizziness, headache,
  stiff neck, weight loss, or listlessness)
• symptoms of liver problems
   (e.g., abdominal pain, persistent vomiting,
   feeling unwell, fever, itching, yellowing
   of the skin and eyes, dark urine)

Stop taking the medication and seek immediate medical attention  if any of the following occur:

• hallucinations
• signs of a serious allergic reaction
   (e.g., swelling of face or throat,
  hives, or difficulty breathing)

You should know that gabapentin may increase the risk for suicide.

Suicidal thoughts or behavior occurs in about one in 500 people taking medications like gabapentin.
This risk may begin within a week of starting treatment.

Some people may experience side effects other than those listed.

Are there any other precautions or warnings for this medication?

Before you begin using a medication, be sure to inform your doctor of any medical conditions or allergies you may have, any medications you are taking, whether you are pregnant or breast-feeding.

Alcohol: Avoid alcohol while taking gabapentin, 

as gabapentin may cause alcohol intolerance that leads t

o an unpleasant reaction after drinking alcohol, such as flushing,

redness of the face after drinking alcohol, nausea, palpitations, or headache.

Q: Why is gabapentin 300mg prescribed for anxiety and depression,
I thought it was for seizures?

A: Neurontin (gabapentin) is an anti-seizure medication, which is also sometimes utilized to relieve "sharp-shooting" nerve pain, associated with the herpes virus or shingles. It is not specifically indicated for anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, but a small number of studies have shown some favorable results in patients who have not received adequate relief from traditional medications. Neurontin (gabapentin) needs further research in use for psychiatric purposes, but it may prove to be a useful alternative. It may also be a good choice if the patient is also experiencing pain, as studies have also shown a link between pain and depression. The main side effect associated with Neurontin (gabapentin) is drowsiness/grogginess, but it has also been reported to cause weakness, tiredness, lack of coordination, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, loss of appetite, diarrhea, constipation, dry mouth, runny or stuffy nose, sore throat, headache, insomnia, unusual dreams, acne, mild skin rash, and blurred vision. After a person has been taking the medication for a period of time, they should not stop therapy abruptly, as the body may respond by having a seizure. To stop the medication, it should be tapered down in dose over a period of time, which your doctor will help you with. Patti Brown, PharmD

Ball in my Chest..

Tastes like a plastic pail. 

Left on the beach all afternoon, warmed by the sand, softened by the sun.

Red. 

Hot tea can not reach far enough to sooth this type of discomfort. 

A wound too deep for surface bruising.

Everything has turned into a manual process. 

I can only focus on breathing. 

In, and out. 

Once more.
In, and, out. 

Oh, so that's part of panic disorder. 

Awesome. 

Look at me go.