How do you measure a year?

I think I will choose to measure it in love. 

So much has happened over the past few months, that it's truly hard to believe I'm only now 24. 

I know that doesn't sound like a huge milestone, but to me, this soul has traveled many more miles then that. I do believe in the concept of reincarnation, that the soul travels through many live times and continues to learn and grow until it has reached inlightenment and can finally transend. 

Not that in any way saying, however, that my soul is ready for that stage. It's just nice to think that I've made it over many humps, jourenys and battles to only now begin to discover self love and happiness within that. 

I am fully aware there is so much further to go within that quest alone, but I feel the hardest parts are past me as I walk now with sturdier footing and a stronger stride. Of which I should feel proud. 

The coming year will bring many new trials, with which many more opportunities to learn and grown. Hopefully coming out on the other side in better shape. Not every attempt will be a successfull one on it's first go, I know, but a little optuimisum never truly hurt anyone. 

Today was bright and clear, t-shirt weather as I went downtown to pick up more fabric for my Gala Lyra cosplay. Work went by faster then normal, though I felt like poop till noon. I know I should sleep more, but with in this depression I feel I never quite get enough. Earlier to bed, less coffee, etc etc. Things I know but never take action for.

Spend the day looking up cosplay ideas for August. Things I know I can make but would like to take time off to do other things. Not truly I guess, I do love a project, even more so when sewing and crafting is part of it. So perhaps I was just looking for new ideas. That and I know my gala dress won't go over too well at just a regal anime convention so I'd like to push for something else. Even though something cheap will be around two hundred ish.. This is in no way a cheap hobby!

And Rent. I've been drawn so deeply into this musical. Curse you Mal! 

Via la vie Boheme!~

2016 and the adventure of possibilities

It's be quite a while, so long infact that I'm getting nervous sitting here thinking what to write.

Many times I thought I was through with this blog, that I was at a point in my journey that no longer required this space. I think perhaps I'm not quite there just yet.

I've tried to pick up journalling, good 'ol paper and pen. Though despite my well meaning attempts my hands cramp too fast, there is no spell check, and I always worry to carry it with me, as to who's eyes might find it. I know posting this online means many more eyes would ever see this then a notebook, but somehow it seems safer. Being anonymous at it's finest.

It's the new year, 2016 is bright shining and new. With so many possibilities at my finger tips. I tried to reflect on my 2015 experience without much luck. I've got a terrible memory and only have facebook posts and huge events to go off of. Even though I couldn't give you a month or date of these events off hand, even which order they go in.. And it got me sad. There is so much I missed in 2015, so much I lived through, and forgot. I don't want this year to be the same.

After spending the afternoon looking through password protected journal apps, I found one and figured it best that it will do for my on the go. Where I can jot down happenings and update here once a week or something. Breath some life into this dusty old blog. I don't want to forget this year, or let it just pass me by.

Along with a new year comes resolutions. While I sort of shake my head and smile at these, it's always fun to think up a few ways that I could work on myself. To me, self improvement should come when you realize you need it, not just once a year cause everyone else is joining a gym. However, it's nice to jot down a few goals, and start a plan.

2016 Goals/Dreams/Scheme:   (scheme is a freak'n weird word)

• Be healthy enough to donate blood (This is always on my list. And one day I'll get there)
• Figure out my food allergies and intolerances (Something in my tummy doesn't like apples.)
• Stop drinking beer (As much as I adore beer, my tummy doesn't)
• Complete X paintings (grater than 5ish? *shrugs*)
• Go back to school for costume design 
• Pay off student loans (before attending a new school)
• Say no, when needed. But also to say yes, when anxiety tries to tell me not to.
• GET A KITTEH. 
• Move in with SO~ <3 li="">

Two little make-up bags..

.. And the person I am inside.

I'm trying to suppress him. I went out and bought a little bit of cheap contorting make-up for the male days, something to sharpen my nose and jaw line. Broaden my brows. I've been panicking, keeping my eyes off the mens clothing, shoes, anything.. everything. I'm growing out my hair. Only female clothes, only female pronouns. From here out.

I felt sick though. Trying to look away. Trying to keep myself in check. Trying to keep on my biological side of the spectrum.

I know I'm not transgender. Not completely. And being both isn't an option. Being both doesn't make sense. I really thought it did, I really thought I was okay. It's hard and confusing. And .. I can't. I won't.

Sexuality is one thing, but gender.. How can.. How can I possibly be both?! Just.. need to stop kidding myself. Stop asking others to give in to my delusions.

Perhaps that now that side has a name.. It's gone to far.

I'm sorry Toby. no one will get a chance to say your name.

Taking back my back my space.

I know this blog has been given, as an open book, to many trusted people over the years. Sadly, because of which, this space as been censored and filtered. Then slowly, left to collect dust.

But I'm unable to let something that I held so dearly to my heart, as my safe and cherished home, die that way. I need this space, I need to take it back.

There has been so much going on, that even with a search to talk to outside persons leaves me needing more. This was where I voiced my concerned and worked out what was going on. It was the best space for me.

So you'll be seeing much more updates. Funnily enough, I wrote this out months ago, craving the same thing. But I was unable to hit send. So here is that post.

Little Miss Lines..

..And the words she can't write down

This is my blog. My space. Where I can write what ever crosses my mind, or is even a flicker of a thought. But that's no longer true. No, this space, my space, it's filtered. With every new face I bring to this space, the less I'm able to write. Then, less and less, to the point there is no longer any updates. 

And that's not fair. 

I'm not able to write about the bottles of wine that hide in my closet. The smiles and glances, or kisses exchanged. How my loves are so very far away.. And I know I'm hurting them. Or the countless times I've stayed up all night sharing secrets with my room mate, our eyes as wide as the moon. I'm not able to write down how scared I am. How I'm scared to walk close to the railing, cause I'm thinking of what it would feel like to fall from five stories up. Or, how I'm thinking of chest binders, again. How each day I'm more uncomfortable in my skin, just craving to be neutral. 

And that.. That is not fair.

This is my space. And I have to reclaim it. What ever comes from that, has to come. I can't suppress these thoughts and fears any longer, I'm bursting at the seams.

I'm just, so very tired..

Little Alice and Caroline

A friendship long awaited.

A very very long time ago, perhaps a few short weeks after I started this blog, I had stumbled upon a non-profit personal project that was in its starting stages.

After going along on my own, struggling in the depths of my mind and trying to make it through some of the darkest days of my eating disorder, I decided to contact the people in charge of this project, I was trying to reach out for help.

I was put on a list, along with many other girls and boys. There wasn't enough people helping with the project to meet the high need for the finished product sadly, so there was quite a wait.

A few years had past, I forgot all about the list and the project. I struggled quite a bit, getting better then getting worse. In the past year or so I've kept my head above water however and I've been working to get myself in a better mind set.

Then, on a dark day after a stress filled week, right after a day of emotional eating and I was fighting old thoughts.. out of the blue, I got an email.

It was from one of the volunteers, asking if I still lived at my address in Revelstoke. 

I just stared at the screen. I couldn't believe it.. After all this time, after all this fighting when I thought everyone forgot about this battle.. There was this group of people that still believed in me, and more importantly, my recovery. 

I wrote her back, we exchanged a few emails, I thanked her endless in each message.. And, a week or so later, I got a package.

Inside the large manila envelope was something that brought tears to my eyes. Something hand made, with love, just for me. 

Her name is Caroline, she is my recovery buddy. 

(not sure you can read the message she came with)

"Hello, my name is Caroline and I love butterflies.
Butterflies represent transformation.
They start out as a caterpillar, go into a cacoon,
 and then they transform into something beautiful.
 Let's go catch some butterflies."

I just wanted to share her with you all. Something I've waited for so long for, made with love by people that are doing something so very beautiful and not asking for anything in return. These people are amazing, and truely wonderful. When ever I get scared, I hug her tight, and I think of all the friends that are counting on me, everyone that believes in me, and those people at the Recovery Buddy Project.

Everyone knows I can get better, that I can stay better. That everything is going to be okay. 

You can find the blog that I followed and contacted here.

First night alone..

I'm not sure how well I will fair.


Thank berry for the tubers?

Conventions, summer days..

And the softest of first kisses.

We've just said our goodbyes, I tried my honest hardest to hold back those tears.. But when you ran off the bus for one last embrace, I couldn't help myself. Then I got to watch your bus pull away. 

We had a week together though, and that's far more then other online couples get some times. It just feels like this morning I walked into the hotel lobby to be greeted with your warm hug for the first time. And now you're gone. 

I know it's not a final goodbye, it's a "see you later" but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm far too far away. Not only on the opposite coast, but in another country. I'm young, and ambitious, thoughts of how a move of that scale could work run though my head. Would I dare leave this beautiful land I've always called home for a love? 

Honestly? I get a knot in my stomach thinking about the possibilities and the outcomes of what a choice like that would be. 

Maybe I'm too young and love is simply confusing. All I know is the butterflies that  would fill me when our eyes would meet and you'd smile. 

I'm so happy I can make you smile <3

Midterms And Moving

Black Mold and Conventions. 

Its been just over a month since my last post. In that time I've written three post, which ended unfinished as drafts.. So much happens daily that I'm unsure where to even begin, so nothing gets written. 

Lets just start with the title then shall we? (Which is the only time over the course of this blog that I've ever been that direct.. it feels weird) 

Midterms.. I'm finishing my second month of schooling, and things are starting to pile up. Lots and lots of homework! But I'm really loving it. After wanting this for so long.. I'm finally here. I did have a few points at the start when I truly doubted myself. Thinking that this was no where near my field or capabilities.. Which ended with me crying at a bus stop and ready to drop out of my program. I'm glad I made it past that point. I do however still think this isn't my field, but this is education that is mandatory to further my career in print. 

Moving.. Yes, again. Seems that is my talent~ This time I hope is the last time till I'm done schooling though. The mold that was in my room mates room is found in the hallway as well. And I'm having intense chest pains.. On top of that, I'm ready to get away from my room mate. He is a nice guy, but not room mate type of person.. So like my style, I decided to move. With a week left in a month to pack, clean, and find a place. And just like my talent, I found a place with great people, that is clean and a bit more then I pay now, but still affordable. Sure its a tad far away, but I'm fine with it. more so cause I get a loft bed :-3 Gonna make so many forts!

Conventions.. EverFree Nothwest is coming up.. In a months time. Sure it seems like there is time, but with the growing list of things to, I'm doubting that it will go smoothly.. There is the tickets to buy, the train to book, the hotel to find, and my cosplay to finish. Seems like a short list sure.. But I doubt my ability to get everything done.. On top of my budget.. With this move I'll be in the hole, plus the convention and cosplay costs.. Then right after that the week I need to take off to go to this, and the convention in August right after this. I'm getting a little overwhelmed.. But I simply can't do what I normally do in these situations.. Back out. That's not an option. Not that I truely wish to, don't get me wrong. Thats just what I resort to doing.. And what I've been doing to every invitation as of late. No bowling, no fireworks, no movies, no mtg.. The friends I thought I was making, I'm loosing.. I hate social anxiety.. 

I miss naya. 

We talk more now, and its really great. But I know she is having some issues with Kayla, and is feeling lonely/with out friends. I wish I had regular schooling, With set days off in a row so I could go visit her.. I was going to see her on my break, but I'm not sure that will happen now.. I know she will be disappointed.. Even more so cause the next time I get to see her is at our con, which I'll be in school most of the time for any ways. I really don't want to disappoint her.. That's one of my deepest fears. It all goes back to her mothers death, I wasn't there, and I couldn't offer her anything. I disappointed her, even if she doesn't think of it like that, I know that's how it is.. I wasn't the friend she needed me to be. So I want nothing more then to be everything she needs now. And I can't do that. I miss her so much..