First night alone..

I'm not sure how well I will fair.


Thank berry for the tubers?

Conventions, summer days..

And the softest of first kisses.

We've just said our goodbyes, I tried my honest hardest to hold back those tears.. But when you ran off the bus for one last embrace, I couldn't help myself. Then I got to watch your bus pull away. 

We had a week together though, and that's far more then other online couples get some times. It just feels like this morning I walked into the hotel lobby to be greeted with your warm hug for the first time. And now you're gone. 

I know it's not a final goodbye, it's a "see you later" but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm far too far away. Not only on the opposite coast, but in another country. I'm young, and ambitious, thoughts of how a move of that scale could work run though my head. Would I dare leave this beautiful land I've always called home for a love? 

Honestly? I get a knot in my stomach thinking about the possibilities and the outcomes of what a choice like that would be. 

Maybe I'm too young and love is simply confusing. All I know is the butterflies that  would fill me when our eyes would meet and you'd smile. 

I'm so happy I can make you smile <3

Midterms And Moving

Black Mold and Conventions. 

Its been just over a month since my last post. In that time I've written three post, which ended unfinished as drafts.. So much happens daily that I'm unsure where to even begin, so nothing gets written. 

Lets just start with the title then shall we? (Which is the only time over the course of this blog that I've ever been that direct.. it feels weird) 

Midterms.. I'm finishing my second month of schooling, and things are starting to pile up. Lots and lots of homework! But I'm really loving it. After wanting this for so long.. I'm finally here. I did have a few points at the start when I truly doubted myself. Thinking that this was no where near my field or capabilities.. Which ended with me crying at a bus stop and ready to drop out of my program. I'm glad I made it past that point. I do however still think this isn't my field, but this is education that is mandatory to further my career in print. 

Moving.. Yes, again. Seems that is my talent~ This time I hope is the last time till I'm done schooling though. The mold that was in my room mates room is found in the hallway as well. And I'm having intense chest pains.. On top of that, I'm ready to get away from my room mate. He is a nice guy, but not room mate type of person.. So like my style, I decided to move. With a week left in a month to pack, clean, and find a place. And just like my talent, I found a place with great people, that is clean and a bit more then I pay now, but still affordable. Sure its a tad far away, but I'm fine with it. more so cause I get a loft bed :-3 Gonna make so many forts!

Conventions.. EverFree Nothwest is coming up.. In a months time. Sure it seems like there is time, but with the growing list of things to, I'm doubting that it will go smoothly.. There is the tickets to buy, the train to book, the hotel to find, and my cosplay to finish. Seems like a short list sure.. But I doubt my ability to get everything done.. On top of my budget.. With this move I'll be in the hole, plus the convention and cosplay costs.. Then right after that the week I need to take off to go to this, and the convention in August right after this. I'm getting a little overwhelmed.. But I simply can't do what I normally do in these situations.. Back out. That's not an option. Not that I truely wish to, don't get me wrong. Thats just what I resort to doing.. And what I've been doing to every invitation as of late. No bowling, no fireworks, no movies, no mtg.. The friends I thought I was making, I'm loosing.. I hate social anxiety.. 

I miss naya. 

We talk more now, and its really great. But I know she is having some issues with Kayla, and is feeling lonely/with out friends. I wish I had regular schooling, With set days off in a row so I could go visit her.. I was going to see her on my break, but I'm not sure that will happen now.. I know she will be disappointed.. Even more so cause the next time I get to see her is at our con, which I'll be in school most of the time for any ways. I really don't want to disappoint her.. That's one of my deepest fears. It all goes back to her mothers death, I wasn't there, and I couldn't offer her anything. I disappointed her, even if she doesn't think of it like that, I know that's how it is.. I wasn't the friend she needed me to be. So I want nothing more then to be everything she needs now. And I can't do that. I miss her so much.. 

"True Love"

By archivealicorn

Some day you’ll have some wrinkles, you might have them today

Leave them or get a face lift, I’m fine with them either way

Your skin is yours alone, tattoo or pierce it if you want

I’ll show you off regardless, you I’ll always flaunt

Some day your weight will change, curves might leave or stay

And only for your health, might I care for what you weigh

Chubby, thin, or average, your body I’ll never shame

I’ll hold you tight, kiss you, and love you just the same

Some day your hair will fade, you can dye or leave it be

You can dye your hair right now, that’s ok with me

You can cut or trim your hair, in the manner you desire

Legs or head or genitals, it’s nothing I require

Some day you might change, the things you choose to eat

No more milk or eggs, I’m fine if we eat no meat

Vegan, vegetarian, organic, whole, or raw

I’ll respect your choices, for what you wish to gnaw

You may feel that your sex and gender don’t agree

That’s ok, my darling, you can be who you are with me

I will call you what you want, “they” or “he” or “she”

Holding hands through hate, hormones or surgery

Maybe you’ve got another lover, and feelings just as strong

As long as they’re respectful, I’m sure we’ll get along

Maybe I’ll love them too, and maybe they’ll love me

Together we can love another and happy we will be

Maybe you’ve got mental issues, depression, anxiety

Eating disorders, self-harm, by your side I’ll be

Regardless if they’re just acute, or something all your days

I’ll hold your hand, fight with you, and care for you all the ways

You might vary your desires, for affection, sex, or touch

Whether every day and night, or you don’t want it much

I’ll cuddle when you need it, snuggle, hug, and kiss

And if we do it, I’ll try hard to give orgasmic bliss

My love has one condition, for which there has to be:

“I won’t quit you, provided, you don’t quit on me.”

Love is hard to define, true love is hard to grow

So, my dear, I’ll love you, in every way I know.

I've opened up to one, and I've been accepted. To be honest, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Like a weights been lifted off of me. I'm still not completely fond of how I am, and still slightly worried about the future. But I've got the most loving and caring people by my side, and really, that's all I need. Sure things will be hard from time to time, and as with most things in life, get bumpy. But if those who I care so deeply about, care just as deeply about me (just the way I am) then why stress to change? I've never accepted this part of me, the part that has torn up so much of my past loves.. But I really think this is a good start. 

One love.

And feeling lonely..

There is something so terribly lonely, about loving someone so very far away.

Some times, I wish I was average. Simple, uncomplicated, plain.

There is something so terribly lonely,  about being able to love more then one person. 

I feel broken, or rather.. Over upgraded. Its bad enough I am attracted to all genders.. but this.. this isnt fun. Where it feels this is frowned upon by social norms, where Im ment to have a one.

To not feel deep intense and true love for more then one person.

I feel ashamed. 

You have no idea how badly I crave, to have a one.. 

But no. I have to choose. I cant have both. With choosing.. Comes pain. Crushing those I hold so dear to my heart.. 

Maybe, I should just be alone. Be away from ever falling in love again.

I cant stand this pain..

And even, after everything.. Im still falling asleep, alone. 

Another new year,

And the very best of birthday wishes.

My Sweet Bumble

Bumble, my sweet bumble

How do you do, 

I was just thinking about you

About how you came here so long ago

And changed the whole place from head to toe

How you've made so many friends 

From all around the world, you social girl

Every time you walk in, they flock to you

Like a big towering lighthouse of glee

That makes all of them chuckle and squee

You give them all hugs and cuddles too

Followed by adorable artwork, all from you

As months went by, you only made more friends

Many of which you thought would never have

But its all for the better, my sweet bumblesweet...

As without such friends in your life, 

you would never be so complete.

My birthday comes and goes every year, and more often then not, it's just another day.. As I don't have many friends to share that day with. However, this year hasn't been a regular one, and I've acquired more then a handful of deep meaningful friendships and loves. With whom, I got to celebrate my day with. And this year, it was by far the very best birthday I've ever had. From a shout out on a review show, to an amazing commission by one of my favortie pony artists, and even a thoughtful poem, I know I've been on my friends minds, in their thoughts and they have given me something from the heart. Not just gifts, but friendship as well. That alone is more then I could ever ask for. I feel so very lucky, and I know that I've just begun. Its such an amazing feeling knowing you are loved, I hope it never passes.

Little Helpless Alice

Nothings worse then knowing someone you care very deeply about is in lonely and in pain.

Except for knowing they are lonely and in pain, and knowing you can't do a single thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to believe I'm a very helpful person, that is always and ear to listen and tries her best to help a friend out of any situation. 

But the few situations i cant help with.. Are the ones I'm struggling with currently. Because i haven't found my way out of those boxes, and I've only just started trying. I feel useless because now, when I'm needed, I've got no advice, nothing to say.

They might think i don't even care..

But they are so very wrong.

I care so much that I'm up hours after I've said goodnight, just for that slight chance they message, needing me. Im trying to force myself to get through loneliness to help them.. To just even become a stronger person to lean on. 

But its not working. Im crumbling under the pressure I'm putting on myself.. I know because my joint pain is back with a vengeance, accompanying the bottle of wine and a half I'm  finishing almost every night.

I want to help you.. But I'm lonely too.

Little Alice, is so very lonely and helpless.

But she keeps trying.. Because she loves you, so very deeply.

Who Am I?

Ill be 22 in a few days.

Im finally starting to school, figuring myself out, and discovering much more to life then I ever thought possible over these few years.

But I'm scared. Im hitting a wall. Im not sure im ready to break through it just yet though.

Have you ever wanted to be just sure, like completly sure, of who you are. Of the person youve become, and where you stand with in this world.

But then, it comes back to the question ive always had trouble answering. Who am I?

I'm a facebook admin, for three pages.
I'm a photographer, and I'm learning to be better.
I'm a painter, a sketcher, a doodler, an artist some say.
I'm a poet, and writer.
I'm a friend, a best friend to some.
I'm a girl lost.
I'm a girl found.
I'm a human making its way through life.

I'm a little lost, a little confused, and more then a little bit confused. But I'm Little Alice, And I'm More Alive Then Ever. I'm about to start schooling, and that can open so many doors. The more I'm drawing, the more I'm improving. The more I chat, the better at being a friend I'm becoming. Every day I make it through, the more I learn. The more I learn about life, and about myself.

I'm excited, and over joyed about the journey I'm on, and the path I'm taking. I really can't wait to see just where it leads. Even more so, the person I'll be when I get there.

even though I'm more alive and aware then ever, I'm scared, and feel alone. 

Then again, thats what life is ment to feel life. Isnt it?