Dreaded To Do List

There is alot running though my head right now.. But maybe I should start here..

"Hello PT, did you miss me?"

I've been gone a while, and then I returned again (in hope of recovery) but I fled, terrified that being amongst these old forums would trigger the old habits I was trying to run away from. Turns out, I didn't need the forums to be triggered. I hit my lowest weight of 108.4.. and that made me want more.. gah.. that sounds silly saying things like that again.. but sadly that's where my mind has slipped back into..

I went away for a vacation, and did what everyone does, we snacked. And after almost a month of not eating more then 500 ish calories a day, all day snacking and the willynilly consumption of gluten left me bloated and feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. 

But I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't have done.. I got back from the hotel, and weighted myself, 115.0

Instant switch flipping, I was triggered. I panicked.

Sitting through the last family meal before going on the bus home, was painful.  Heart pounding, anxiety spiking painful. I started to count. What was on Nanas plate, Aunties plate, Papas plate, Nayas, and then mine. How much have I eaten today, I couldn't recall. But it was more then I should of had. I couldn't possibly eat more. But I had to. And I almost cried at the table. But no one knew.

I forgot how easy these false walls could be built.

Even though these walls were my home for such a long time.. I really am scared of this. I honsetly don't want to slip back in to these habits that I've been fighting so hard to pull myself from. And I thought maybe this time was finally when I'd give in, what's the use fighting over and over if fighting for myself clearly wasn't enough..

But what about my drive for other people? My drive to help and push myself harder then I've ever pushed, if it was to help someone else that truly needed me.. I was talking with my friend about a blood donation that was going on at his school, and how I couldn't donate as I'm anaemic.. Nothing thinking much more about it I got to work and I noticed there was a blood donation truck that was to come 'round closer to the end of the year.. I thought, perhaps this could be my chance.. This could be my goal. 

Recovery to give back like I've never been able to, because there is someone out there that needs my strength.

I want to get well enough to donate blood.

Adverbs and spring break,

Four hour Skype calls, leaving our cheeks sore from smiling.. but now we know, that its more then defiantly, very, pretty-darn sure that its a maybe.

Misunderstandings gone wrong end up feeling like a punch to the heart. Leave you speechless, panicked, unable to breath. This has happened before between us, and I think it's the fact these feelings are so scary that all we can do is think the worst. But like my note book said, if the fear is too much, my arms are always open. 

It will feel like forever till march.. But you my dear, are worth the wait. All we need is those few moments in each others arms, a shy smile, and we'll know. There is a lot riding on this visit.. And I just, hope I'm everything you think I am.. Then again, simply getting the chance to be there, next to you, will be worth it.. Even if I cant call you mine by the end.

Thats a big if.. And with that if I start to worry, but then I remember your smile and how you said those silly three words to me.. That are just words, but you felt them.. No, you feel them.. Youre scared but you said it, and im sure you saw me simply light up.. 

I understand you dont trust yourself.. I dont trust myself much either.. But this is worth the loneliness, the fear and the wait.

You said those words to me.. And I said them right back.. From the bottom of my heart

I love you.

Plushie promises and..

Sushi dates. 

And those few big glasses of wine..

Alice is a very lonely person that craves closeness. Alice is a scared little girl that fears the consequences of saying "no". Alice feels like a whore.

Im in no way proud of what happened. But I cannot sit here and say that it didn't in fact happen.. Im a little fuzzy on the details mind you.. But at some point the night turned from playing at the park to cuddles.. Then closed bedroom doors. 

He is most definitely a Dom, in the way he doesn't ask, he requests. Straight forward, to the point. As a small meek person, I'm no good with directness.. So a direct request from a large intimidating person, ends up coming off as a demand. Ive been in demanding relationships.. You don't say no. 

Saying no is something I've gotta work on.. And I gotta work on it fast, cause.. 

He wants me to be his Sub. 

This simply terrifies me.

Part of me is worried that Little Alice the push over has let this go on too far.. That its too late to cut ties. But I'm scared what he would do if I spoke up.. Sure Subs have a say in the rules of the game, but the Dom is the Dom, they choose how the game within those rules is played.

So going to lunch, turns into a date.

Im doomed.

Drinking games, hang overs..

And things that shouldn't've happened.

Drinking and cuddles.. I think we are just lonely people.

But it happen. And I'll shrug it off.

I feel I should write more..

Maybe another time

Mistah Jay,

And Buttons Mom.

I got a hug. A big warm thoughtful hug. He said I looked cold, and to be honest I was shivering.. So I got held while we waited for my skytrain. Even made me take his Vinyl Scratch scarf for my bike ride. I've got to admit, it was very sweet. And I stayed warm all the way home. 

I'm a little unsure about this new friend though.. But we are going to hangout on Wednesday, so we shall see where this goes. 

Sleepless nights, and love poems.

Heart pain is the worst.
This pain.. is so unnecessary..

I know how you feel, how strongly you care for me.
And I hope you understand that those feelings were never one sided.
As I care for you and about you to no end.

I could never begin to express how much your presence ment to me with all that's been happening as of late..

And regardless of events.. You brought me back to art, writing, true friendship, and smiling.
Most importantly, to love.

And yet, I push you away.. waiting for something that might never happen.
Yet wanting to ask you.. to wait for me.

I'm a very selfish person.. I realize this.

 And I'm terrified that I'll loose your friendship though this.
 That's something.. I truly couldn't bare to loose.

I'm sorry my dear.. I'm nothing but trouble.

Sleepless nights, scary dreams.

I'm not sure where I stand.

Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been in this position.
And like I said.. I'd gladly wait, for as long as I had to.

But a part of me thinks, I'll get those ears and just be.. his little cat girl.
 Or as the pages of my sketch book would suggest.. his little anthro fox.

Maybe that's all there is to it. A furry rp romp.
 And thats fine, cause I know he is very much my wet dream.

Who am I to ask for more?

I've got his kindness, compassion and friendship.. what more could I need?
And again..

Who am I, to ask for more?

My Friends

I was going through life, thinking I was so alone. 

Thinking I had no "irl" friends.

I was wrong. I do have real friends. 

They are the ones that lift my spirits and give me hope. 

That make me smile and laugh when I've been in the deepest of blues.

No, many of these amazing people I've never met in person. 

But you know what, that doesn't change a single thing.

 They are my best friends, and they mean the world to me. 

And I really don't know what I'd do with out them.