Friend Zone and Wine Racks..

And the loneliness between each glass of wine.

I need a cigarette. 

I'm not sure what I'm doing. Just have another glass of wine. I thought I was making friends, I thought I was making close meaningful friendships. But here I am loosing them. This is why I can't make friends. They all leave. And I'm alone again. Loneliness is the worst feeling. Just have another glass of wine. Saying goodbye shouldn't be this tough. Just have another glass of wine. What does it matter anymore, if the people I think care most, can just up and leave.. "For me, it'll be no loss." I don't think I can eat today. But really.. What does it matter. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I bought caffeine pills.

I'm at a loss. 

Don't Worry About Me. I'm Always Okay In The End. 

I'm Not Sure What I've Done.

But I ran back to PT.
And it was gone.

Turns out the site creator was on Dr.Phil? Dr.OZ? I dunno.. but the site was called out for being the worlds largest eating disorder website and shamed. Which is terrible.. As I know so many people, myself included, that was saved from that site.

I had to find out more.
And I found the mods from the old PT.. made a new one.

On the old PT, I lived on that site.. I was almost even a mod for the forums. And I had a family there. When I needed my support for anything, I knew I could go there. From someone to chat with about fainting and fitness to all my recovery attempts. I have my Unity Bracelet still and wear it with pride. As we truly were united. But long story short..

I reopened my account.

I want to recover.
I haven't eaten today.
I need to recover.
I'm not sure I plan to eat today.
I crave recovery..
I feel faint.

I'm sorry..

To Be Honset

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I'm scared to be home.

I'm close to hitting underweight, a few more days of being in this apartment.. if we start to fight.. I know it'll push me too far. It's brought me back to my trigger songs. And I think that scares me most.

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Little tiny bumble pony..

I'm sorry.. I was really trying..

111.2

Four days of stress free eating and.. and I still fail you..

111.2

Please.. don't hate me..
I'm sorry..

There Are Moments Like These

That Make Your Heart Smile. Moments That You Realize, Life Isn't So Darn Bad.

I was walking home, slightly tipsy, when this song came on my iPod.. I stopped and smiled..

I realized that even though life down right blows, I have so many friends, and so many things to be happy about.. That sure, life really isn't fun right now, but that's okay, because I have love and support and most of all, friendship.

I Stood There And I Realized For The First Time In My Life.. I Couldn't Kill My Self. I have too many people in this world that mean so much to me, their happiness means so much to me.. I couldn't bare knowing that I hurt these people by carelessly ending my life.. That I have to keep pushing, for these people, but most of all, myself. I have to keep pushing forward for the future, for my future and my dreams. Cause I'm going to make it somewhere.

So no matter how bad things get, it'll be okay, everything will be okay.

And I continued walking home, smiling bright and singing along to this song.

Etiquette and Magic Duels

And the social anxiety that is stuck in between.

I'd hate to admit it.. but its happening again..

112.7

I haven't been loosing anymore weight.. But I can't seem to gain any either. The last time this happened I skipped my monthly, and as I was overjoyed at the time.. that was my goal the last time this happened. (The loss of the monthly period is when a large amount of weight is lost in a short amount of time, the person becomes underweight from lack nutrition or from over whelming stress)

But I'm really trying this time.. I'm terrified that I'm becoming malnourished again.. I know what it feels like, the dizziness, sickness, lack of energy.. I just.. I don't know what to do.

The last thing I wanted was to fall down this path again.

I was ready for recovery.. and now I'm on the brink of being underweight if this keeps up..
Gah.. I wish I had that bracelet..

*104.5 is the number to stay away from.

Finding Friends, and Blankets Of Snow.

And The Cold Medications That Let Me Sleep At Night.

I realized last night what a selfish person I really am. I had promised a friend that I'd keep up with the post on a progress blog of sorts and give feed back on this personal journey they have started.. And after many promises that "I'll read it later" I had gotten go caught up with my own BS and drama that I had forgotten.. 

While they are up late night after night helping me sort out my life, not asking for anything in return.

How can I be even allowed to have such caring friends?

I know it might seem like I'm beating myself up a little too harshly over this.. But in my eyes I'm not. They trusted me and shared this journey with me, asking a simple request, to read and respond. And I've failed them.

I've got to put my trivial issues aside, and start putting my friends first. 

Or I'll loose these ones as well. 

And between you and me, these ones are the best ones I've found.. 

I couldn't bare the thought of loosing them.

Nyquil and little smirks.

And everything in between.

I think I'm getting a stress induced cold/flu.. and that just makes my hurting teeth hurt more. I was talking to Jason last night about my teeth pains.. we think it might be from the years of purging and they are finally just failing me now. Stomach acid will do that.

Not that's what I'll tell the dentist.

On a side note.. I can't get that smirk outta my head..
It makes my knees weak.. in the best possible way..

I've sent a total of 47 emails to potential rooms for rent. And only three replies. I went and saw a place yesterday, 460$ ish max a month, but the room is tiny and even though I'm not in a place to be picky, I'd like to look at a few other at least before I commit.

Jason and I finally sat down and had a chance to talk. Yeah I know.. it was about as much fun as it sounds. But it had to happen and I'm very glad that it did. He is still holding on to the romantic aspect and what not, but I can't blame him. I do feel like the biggest shit in the world about hurting him like this.. but we are just so much more compatible as friends. Infact, after our talks we had some beer and pizza and watched King of the Hill. It was really just what we needed.

I get to spend Christmas over at Nayas' and I'm simply ecstatic about that news! I might be a broke joke.. but I tried to buy everyone at least something. Cause everyone deserves something thoughtful from a loved one.

I asked my new friend from the irc about making me a recovery bracelet, a simple chain with a few coloured stones to represent my self harm, depression, anxiety, and eating disorder. And then one or two stones hanging from it. The stones hanging down will be white, the colour of recovery.

I've seen a few other disorder bracelets as of late and identified myself to these people, but pointed to my PT unity bracelet instead.. and as much as I love my PT unity bracelet, I feel a new chapter has started.. and I'm ready for my recovery beads.

But again.. I'm a broke joke.. but Dellys' jewelry is so wonderful.. it would simply mean thre world to me if a new friend like that could make this deeply meaningful and symbolic thing for me.. but Gah.. it's so expensive..

I guess my recovery chapter will have to wait a little longer.