Cutie Marks And Note Books

Tomorrow I'ma Drink Till I'm Sober.

My note book is gone, as in "I've torn apart my room, and it's no where to be found" gone.
No really.. I tore apart my room, ripped everything from it's place, and it's still missing.

I'm not quite sure you understand fully just how important this note book is to me..
I've had it for around ten years, give or take a season or two, and it holds everything dear to me.

Photographs, notes, poems, letters, drawings. Everything that could make me smile when I found it hard to leave my bed. (Before the medication that is.)

I know for a fact drunk Sara never touches it, and that I never take it out, with out putting it away.

And besides, it's a huge hunk of a note book.

At one point, It Looked Like This. 

Then I had to cut open the spine, and add a three inch cardboard chunk to make it fit more.
I dunno, I balled my eyes out looking for it, and well, Yannic came home early from work, the sweet guy, and helped me rip the room apart even more to look further.

I know I really freaked out when my blogger was hacked and I got locked out, but this is like a ten year old blog with more personal stuff.

On A Happier Note.. I'm Getting This Tattooed Tomorrow!

Center of my upper back, right between my shoulder blades, I do hope it will look great. I'm second guessing it 'bout now, but 'eh, what ever.

Mexico and Purging

Not too long ago, Yannic and I went to Mexico for a week. Purged almost every meal. 

Very Drunk. I Love Vodka.

We look happy though. And we are doing a lot better. I've cut off everything connection with Lloyd. And Giving My All To Yannic. I should have such a long time ago. I've been going to the gym, every day, every week, since I've joined. Okay, more like six days a week, and not when I went Mexico.

I've lost boob.. ness. I dunno, they went from a B to an A.. I'm not sure if thats a good thing? but I dunno.. It may have gone hand in hand with skipping my "time of the month" Last Month. It Was Terrifying. So Scary.

Still at 119.. 118 ish. Its BS. Completely BS!

I want to cut so bad.. Want to sleep, just sleep and be rested.

Bags, Under My Eyes.

Beer, Vodka, Memories, And Gym Shorts.

Its been too long. Far, far too long since my last post. I don't know what tore me away, and I haven't anymore a clue as to what draws me back. Maybe It's The Beer, Maybe It's The Med's. Maybe finally I'm cracking and I need to document my final days. I really can't say for certain, as I know just as much as you. I'm writing this out of thin air right now, sleep is calling, beer I'm sipping, med's are numbing.

One of each. Whats normality?

So many things need to be written down, and even more need to be completed. I'm only one girl, with the world behind me, my doctor drugging me, and my boyfriend supporting me. I'm more lost now then when I thought I knew everything. Where was I when the last post was written? When was I in better state of mind, I'm a hazard to myself. You'd understand if you could listen to the thoughts that pledge me. My dreams are no better. And my sleep is restless. I'll edit this when I'm sober. Or more drunk. I need vodka. I need a hug.

I need my prince. 

I've killed you. My heart is absent. (Similar to an out of body experience.)

What have you ever done but love me? And why does that deserve punishment?

Because I've Died Inside Far Long Ago, doesn't mean I should drag you down with me.

I need my prince.. Prince.. My love.

Is It Wrong,

To Wish For A Space Of My Own?

I've (like always) a long list of things to do, to get done. And I'm (as always) feeling overwhelmed.

For a quick update: Effexor is now twice the dose. I'm now living with Yannic at the club house. Working at another cheveron, on east hastings this time, woo. I'm sitting around 117 ish still, and feel like shit about it. Yannic snagged me an iPhone and fixed the broken screen. I Think I Need Friends. Had a nice valentines day at build a bear, made a fox. Just got over a cold. Smoking quite a bit as of late. Thinking more into the field of nutrition, then graphic design. but who knows eh. The clubhouse got a kitten, Mewnin. Oozes cuteness, btw.

Really looking into getting another place to call home. Somewhere cheap yeah, but somewhere other then here. Its a great place sure, but its no home. I'd like somewhere that I don't have to sleep with ear plugs in to get some rest. But ho hum, can't complain I guess.

Haven't been blogging much, really mean to, I guess.

Haven't been on PT much, really mean to.

Haven't worked out at all. Really should. Really really should.

Super Boob

Some line from American Dad.

I want to wear whats "hip" whats "pretty" and be beautiful. I want. I need. I can, never, be.

The Eating Attitudes Test (EAT-26)

You Can Take The Test Here.
This is what I scored..  Then again, no matter what I score, Doctors never even attempt to believe you.
At least the four I talked to didn't.

I asked for it

As I Always Tend To Do.

Went to the movies tonight with yannic, we saw beauty and the beast in 3D. The second I was alone I binged. I don`t know why I even thought for a second this was a good idea. And of all people, yannic to bring with me?!

To Be Honest, I miss him, and this is our movie. 

And I hate myself, I deserve the punishment and pain.

Taking Things In To My Own Hands.

One Diet At A Time.

Seems waiting around for other people to hold my hand isn't the way to go about things. I'm really not too sure people understand how important a meal plan is. Which is very, very important. *le sigh.*

So here I go, My meal plan - The Strawberry Diet
 Yeah I know.. Wrong way about it. I can't be bothered anymore.