What The Nerve.

The Scale. Yeah, The White One Sitting, Wedged Between My Side Table And The Wall.

I'm terrified of it. Utterly terrified of what It will tell me.

Its been running through my head for the past week or so.. I know what ever that number is, will either crush me, or trigger something. I wake up and tell myself that its clearly not possible to be weight day, oh not today at all! There is so many things that come into play for that number. Water intake/output, have I had too much? not enough? When was my last bowel movement? If I ate late in the night, or too much/not enough movement the day before. Its all too much, too many factors, and I'm terrified.


I wish I could ask for someone to take that battery, that damn power source, take it and hide it from me.




Just until I'm able to grasp at reality a little stronger.

If You Have:

Flip of the coin.

I read your posts, Some talk of fasting, Others of bingding, the ones that strike a cord with me, are the ones about purging. 

I had read a post this morning, from a girl who had said, she only had ate all of what she did, cause she knew she could purge. There is a higher punishment for me if I purge. I'll seizure. I've read many post warning those on this damn drug, to not purge, and well, Its Scary. I'm Scared. What if it all becomes too much and yannic finds me on his bathroom floor, eyes rolled back, lunch remaining unflushed. Romantic.

Humming in the snow

I'm not sure if the blue days are past me yet, I'm not sure if they have been replaced with a blur of grey, or its all in my head. Either way, I'm all medicated and over sleepy.

I started mah new meds yesterday, and along with more energy, and a lack of fear towards talking, my appetite was completely killed! And day one of my meal plan went over more better then I could have thought! I'm still having no luck at the whole "reinvent thy self" thing.. I wanna be done over, this time, happy with my self. I had spent some time each day going to the shops, trying on things, and foning over the things I wish I could have. I found I'm a large t-shirt size at stiches now, and a size seven there as well. Which is sad, but I know my size 4's and 5's still fit fine. And my mediums fit alright as well. I guess its just the fact that store is for teenagers.. then I think, wait, I'm 18!? Why can't I fit these clothes..? Why can't I look good in what I own? (This is where who ever has a good fashion sence stand up and makes them self known, and kindly offers to help send links to things I should get..) 

Other then that, my face has been breaking out from stress over school, and thats no fun either. And as I just found out, its eating disorder awareness week. If your reading my blog and don't have a disorder, but you know someone who does, or notice some ones's eating is off, don't ignore it, they deserve help before they slip deep. many don't know what hole they fell in. I just wish you all the best this week. Things may be blue, But They Will Be Bright Soon.

And.. The New Alice Game Is Out Soon.. Just Say'n. Gonna Be Sick!

One Would Think

If i Truly wanted Anything this Badly i'd Have pushed Until my Knuckles bled.
I didn't. Now i'm Falling. its Scary. everything Is too Tight. i'm Slipping into Dark blue.

I just want to be happy.

or to die. which ever comes first.

Doc Says:

Take Once Daily. Magic Pills FTW?

But Wiki Says..

Not everyone with ADHD will want to take Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is not for people who have a history of anorexia or bulimia, seizures or brain damage...There have been numerous lawsuits filed against the manufacturer by patients and their families who have suffered from seizures after taking Wellbutrin. 

Some of the rare side effects of taking Wellbutrin to treat ADHD include change in hair color, etc.

The more typical side effects of taking Wellbutrin for ADHD include agitation, anxiety, insomnia, weight loss, headache, dry mouth, nausea, constipation, and dizziness. Sometimes, although not often, people taking Wellbutrin for ADHD report sweating, strange body odor, tremor and nervousness. 

*holds breath..* I'ma die if i purge. Well, not die, per say. But seizures are scary too! What a way to attempt another recovery. At least its alot more then the fear of gaining keeping me from binging..

Goals For The Week:

• Search Ballet Classes (only 43$ per month!)
• Get ADD Medication (Starting Monday!)
• Smile  (Slipping In To The Blue Again) 

And The Story Goes

She's Losing Her Way.

And perhaps her mind.. Its All X / X / X / *Mind Explodes*..

Yeah.. I got my report card yesterday.. Fail Fail Incomplete Incomplete. Yeah. So all that over stressing about getting withdrawn, and I was already kicked out! heh. Told Ya So. Either way, I'm allowed to be taken back if I send in my essay, and soon. I spent all day, and most of the day stressing and drinking coffee. Pushed out two unites for writing. And my art is soon to follow by the weekend. I can't let it come down to only pushing out work when they threaten to kick me out. I really can't. I'm going back to the doctors on Thursday, and well, the FMH contacted him so i hope it goes over smoothly regardless..

As for food related things? I haven't had a weight in a week perhaps. I don't want to know. I look slimmer? But I haven't been doing too much. I had a few binging moments. And vday I had a day of chocolate and bubbly. But really? I wake up and look at the scale, and I tell myself I dont want to ruin my day and simply put it back. I will weight in soon though. That time of the month is coming up in a few days, so maybe after that. I have a new workout plan, and maybe a food plan. I drew one up for naya to cause she wants to loose weight as well. But right now, I just want to do my home work, I want to grad, and be done with this BS job and living with mum. I want out.

I'm feeling so horrid lately.. It seems everyone that attempts to help me with my school work I shut down completely, I take my frustration and anger out on everyones attempts. I feel like such a horrid friend..