Reshaking an eight ball, need another answer.

I'm coming around to finally giving in. 

Giving in to the fact my sex drive is non-excitant.

I'm not broken (though it could be the meds)

I'm okay really (never liked sex)

I'm sure things are okay (Mike doesn't ask for anything anyways)

Haven't I always felt this way?

Honestly, I can't recall. I know as far as I can think back, I've never instigated sex. Kissing, yes. Mutual masterbation? Quite a few times. Mostly just cuddles, and playing with their hair. Soft kisses. Being held. I've enjoyed sex, though it mostly becomes enjoyable half way through and I'll get turned on. The other times, I'm just waiting for it all to be overed. So I can cuddle. 

Not that I don't enjoy the closeness, the sweaty bodies in motion, coming together, feeling one. 

But I can have that without sex. I truly prefer it without sex.

Though it's not worrisome on my behalf, I'm content like this. 

However it seems, EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET, likes sex. A lot. 

I'm happy to pretend though, I know it would only hurt others more if I didn't. 

Sexual attraction seems very important. 

But what do I know about courtship?

Wrote in mornings first light, Reread in mornings soft dusk.

I'm not sure in this moment I'm able to explain how I feel.

Warmth, and comfort. Sturdy and safe. 

Home. 


I know.. I need your energy and your smile in my life,
regardless of who we are to each other.. For the rest of our companionship.

I just need you.

You are more then just another person in my life, so much more than simply, friend.

You are to me, Mal.



A three letter word that means late nights, heavy laughter, and little smiles.

I've learnt so much in the short time we've been friends about myself.
Most importantly, I can be cared for, no matter how unloved my true self feels at times.

But more then anyone, you are listening.
and that speaks so further then little breaths held in.

I know that messages sent, are read, are heard and felt.

I am felt, all who I really am.
Finally felt.

Regardless how scared I feel, when raw truth is said out loud. 

I know in my heart, open arms are there.

And in return, I am here,
Please let me be here.

Number one, engage.

Cider and chatting. 

Rocky but working. 

Rocking from waves of voice under action. Or lacking.

Voice is being heard.

Seems like the first time in years.

I'm finding.. Making. Myself a home. 

Home Sweet Home. 

TNG, cider, and lighthearted chatter. 

But here I am. 

Blade in drawer.

And here I am.

Lunch purged out. 

So.. Here I am. 

Confused, medicatied, and so very scared. 

I am here.

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in. 

I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety.  

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. 

I am creative. I am smart. 

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.

I am not my mental illnesses. I am not my failures. 

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. 

I am gentle. I am caring. 

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.

I am not over weight. I am not slow. 

Breathing out, I know I am breathing out. 

I am fiesty. I am strong. 

Breathing in, I know I am here. 

I've earned self respect. 

Breathing out, I know I am here. 

I've earned my self love. 

You are here.

I'm finding it hard to breathe as of late. 

Perpetually tired, though that could be the depression. 

About two weeks ago my meds were upped to 20mg, two full white little pills, each morning. 

The first few days I was filled will hope, I felt happier, I felt.. Okay. 

However, these past few nights have been rough. I'm not sure if it's just extra shifts I've been working, or not feeling enough. But I've been having pretty intense anxiety attacks.

Softly cried last night as I went to bed at four pm. My chest pounding, the urge to cut open my arms was so overwhelming I started to shake. 

Slept for 14 hours. 

It's hard having a creative mind. I see all these endless possibilities for my space, to create and for my life. But I'm unable to make any of them happen. Currently the appartment is still covered in boxes. Things laying about everywhere. I'm trying the best I can to sort and reagrage so we have a living space. But it seems I'm the only one pushing for this. I do understand that he has never lived on his own, and that he doesn't have a connection with living spaces, or how they are set up. It's starting to feel like this is my apartment, and he is free loading. Don't get me wrong, he does his chores (now that I've made the chore chat) and he will clean up, if I ask. But I've always got to ask. There was a pile of towels and cleaning rags that sat in the hallways for three weeks.. I picked them up and put them away yesterday. Simple things like that.. Or dishes to be brought in.. Or the door to be locked. If I don't get up and do things, it will never be done. "Anything I can do to help?" Endless questions when I start doing any of the chores needed to be tended to, (after I get home from work) I don't mean to get short with him.. But I know he's only sat on the couch and watched Netflixs all day. It's frustrating. End rant. 

I didn't harm. But I thought very hard about it. About how useless and worthless my life is. About how I get up, spend all day at work on imgur, or my phone, come home, watch tv, sleep. I miss adventures, I miss going outside, I miss doing anything. I miss art, and crafting, and sewing, and cooking, and smiling. I miss waking up and not taking pills. 

I woke up and contemplated taking all of them. 

Little white pills that filled my palm. 

Just two.

Only two.

I lied, I never flushed my stash. 

I tossed some out when I moved out of the apartment a year back, but, I still have most of them.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. 

I'm useless. 

A glass of wine.. Or two?

And I'm all ready to mingle. 

I think I've been keeping up with the scoial demands that Mikes' family is placing up upon me, Give me a glass or two of wine, and I'll happily sit and make little chit chat with whom ever. 

Not saying it'll be okay. Not saying it'll be nice.

But I'll happen. 

That plus a year, and food. You'll have an alright Ember with enough to say and do enough that is expected.

I even came downstairs willingly this time. Started conversations before wine, and stayed to chat after the wine was out. I've earned extra stars! 

Outside of this progress, I've been working towards secret keeping and whispering to only myself and bear. 

Landing me at 120.3 lbs down from 128. 

Say what you what, it's from will and determantation. 

Though cafine pills sure do help keep my hands busy on days off..

I'm not doing so well. 

Only you and Tio know this. 

And the girl at the check out. They one that saw my pills and desperation. 

With in notes..

To blog?

Things written and perhaps posted..

Things have been going down stream. Purging when I'm a little scared.

But I've made it to 120. (Though, 120 on his mum's scale is a few pounds more then mine.) But I'll take it! It is far less then I've been in a long while though. My only goal right now was to fit my corset anyways. 

It scares me though, can't over fill these messurments. 

Skipping meals to drink. Wine and gin are better than food. Always. 

One thing has led to another...

And I've been purging. (Only twice, I'm okay now)

And I've acquired diet pills. (Vegan things that control hunger? Sorta?)

And I'm okay will this. Cause I feel that this needed to happen. 

I've got a plan to fit more so into my cosplay come May.. But more so I'd really like to prove guppy wrong. He thinks this "unhealthy eating" isn't bad? Oh I'll show him. 

Workout daily, restricted eating. I won't fall back on purging and pills like before, it's not like it was before. I'm in control this time. And honestly, it's the only thing letting me get through all this transphobia. 

I'll hit my goals. I'll show him. He needs to start eating and isn't aware how bad it will get. 

In other news; depression is fun. I'm talking again with phasor too, which is really nice. I've missed his companionship. Like I do, I worry. I do he is capable of so so much, that big brain of his. I still feel as if I've let him down walking away when it got hard. I just knew I couldn't help him in ways that he needed me. I was going through things, and honestly couldn't give him the attention and love he needed. No matter how much I wish I could. Makes me regret what happened on my visit even more so.. I was hit with such a huge wave of blue and wasn't in any state to care for another. And it was wrong of me to put it on his shoulders. I think it would have been easier staying in bed, like we promised the last time we were together. 

Lack of communication.. Just the thing I'm good at. And always fails me. 

I've been getting better though. These pills have helped and I'm seeing so much improvement. Just got to keep working. And well, that's the plan. So fingers crossed!