A glass of wine.. Or two?

And I'm all ready to mingle. 

I think I've been keeping up with the scoial demands that Mikes' family is placing up upon me, Give me a glass or two of wine, and I'll happily sit and make little chit chat with whom ever. 

Not saying it'll be okay. Not saying it'll be nice.

But I'll happen. 

That plus a year, and food. You'll have an alright Ember with enough to say and do enough that is expected.

I even came downstairs willingly this time. Started conversations before wine, and stayed to chat after the wine was out. I've earned extra stars! 

Outside of this progress, I've been working towards secret keeping and whispering to only myself and bear. 

Landing me at 120.3 lbs down from 128. 

Say what you what, it's from will and determantation. 

Though cafine pills sure do help keep my hands busy on days off..

I'm not doing so well. 

Only you and Tio know this. 

And the girl at the check out. They one that saw my pills and desperation. 

With in notes..

To blog?

Things written and perhaps posted..

Things have been going down stream. Purging when I'm a little scared.

But I've made it to 120. (Though, 120 on his mum's scale is a few pounds more then mine.) But I'll take it! It is far less then I've been in a long while though. My only goal right now was to fit my corset anyways. 

It scares me though, can't over fill these messurments. 

Skipping meals to drink. Wine and gin are better than food. Always. 

One thing has led to another...

And I've been purging. (Only twice, I'm okay now)

And I've acquired diet pills. (Vegan things that control hunger? Sorta?)

And I'm okay will this. Cause I feel that this needed to happen. 

I've got a plan to fit more so into my cosplay come May.. But more so I'd really like to prove guppy wrong. He thinks this "unhealthy eating" isn't bad? Oh I'll show him. 

Workout daily, restricted eating. I won't fall back on purging and pills like before, it's not like it was before. I'm in control this time. And honestly, it's the only thing letting me get through all this transphobia. 

I'll hit my goals. I'll show him. He needs to start eating and isn't aware how bad it will get. 

In other news; depression is fun. I'm talking again with phasor too, which is really nice. I've missed his companionship. Like I do, I worry. I do he is capable of so so much, that big brain of his. I still feel as if I've let him down walking away when it got hard. I just knew I couldn't help him in ways that he needed me. I was going through things, and honestly couldn't give him the attention and love he needed. No matter how much I wish I could. Makes me regret what happened on my visit even more so.. I was hit with such a huge wave of blue and wasn't in any state to care for another. And it was wrong of me to put it on his shoulders. I think it would have been easier staying in bed, like we promised the last time we were together. 

Lack of communication.. Just the thing I'm good at. And always fails me. 

I've been getting better though. These pills have helped and I'm seeing so much improvement. Just got to keep working. And well, that's the plan. So fingers crossed! 

How do you measure a year?

I think I will choose to measure it in love. 

So much has happened over the past few months, that it's truly hard to believe I'm only now 24. 

I know that doesn't sound like a huge milestone, but to me, this soul has traveled many more miles then that. I do believe in the concept of reincarnation, that the soul travels through many live times and continues to learn and grow until it has reached inlightenment and can finally transend. 

Not that in any way saying, however, that my soul is ready for that stage. It's just nice to think that I've made it over many humps, jourenys and battles to only now begin to discover self love and happiness within that. 

I am fully aware there is so much further to go within that quest alone, but I feel the hardest parts are past me as I walk now with sturdier footing and a stronger stride. Of which I should feel proud. 

The coming year will bring many new trials, with which many more opportunities to learn and grown. Hopefully coming out on the other side in better shape. Not every attempt will be a successfull one on it's first go, I know, but a little optuimisum never truly hurt anyone. 

Today was bright and clear, t-shirt weather as I went downtown to pick up more fabric for my Gala Lyra cosplay. Work went by faster then normal, though I felt like poop till noon. I know I should sleep more, but with in this depression I feel I never quite get enough. Earlier to bed, less coffee, etc etc. Things I know but never take action for.

Spend the day looking up cosplay ideas for August. Things I know I can make but would like to take time off to do other things. Not truly I guess, I do love a project, even more so when sewing and crafting is part of it. So perhaps I was just looking for new ideas. That and I know my gala dress won't go over too well at just a regal anime convention so I'd like to push for something else. Even though something cheap will be around two hundred ish.. This is in no way a cheap hobby!

And Rent. I've been drawn so deeply into this musical. Curse you Mal! 

Via la vie Boheme!~

2016 and the adventure of possibilities

It's be quite a while, so long infact that I'm getting nervous sitting here thinking what to write.

Many times I thought I was through with this blog, that I was at a point in my journey that no longer required this space. I think perhaps I'm not quite there just yet.

I've tried to pick up journalling, good 'ol paper and pen. Though despite my well meaning attempts my hands cramp too fast, there is no spell check, and I always worry to carry it with me, as to who's eyes might find it. I know posting this online means many more eyes would ever see this then a notebook, but somehow it seems safer. Being anonymous at it's finest.

It's the new year, 2016 is bright shining and new. With so many possibilities at my finger tips. I tried to reflect on my 2015 experience without much luck. I've got a terrible memory and only have facebook posts and huge events to go off of. Even though I couldn't give you a month or date of these events off hand, even which order they go in.. And it got me sad. There is so much I missed in 2015, so much I lived through, and forgot. I don't want this year to be the same.

After spending the afternoon looking through password protected journal apps, I found one and figured it best that it will do for my on the go. Where I can jot down happenings and update here once a week or something. Breath some life into this dusty old blog. I don't want to forget this year, or let it just pass me by.

Along with a new year comes resolutions. While I sort of shake my head and smile at these, it's always fun to think up a few ways that I could work on myself. To me, self improvement should come when you realize you need it, not just once a year cause everyone else is joining a gym. However, it's nice to jot down a few goals, and start a plan.

2016 Goals/Dreams/Scheme:   (scheme is a freak'n weird word)

• Be healthy enough to donate blood (This is always on my list. And one day I'll get there)
• Figure out my food allergies and intolerances (Something in my tummy doesn't like apples.)
• Stop drinking beer (As much as I adore beer, my tummy doesn't)
• Complete X paintings (grater than 5ish? *shrugs*)
• Go back to school for costume design 
• Pay off student loans (before attending a new school)
• Say no, when needed. But also to say yes, when anxiety tries to tell me not to.
• GET A KITTEH. 
• Move in with SO~ <3 li="">

Two little make-up bags..

.. And the person I am inside.

I'm trying to suppress him. I went out and bought a little bit of cheap contorting make-up for the male days, something to sharpen my nose and jaw line. Broaden my brows. I've been panicking, keeping my eyes off the mens clothing, shoes, anything.. everything. I'm growing out my hair. Only female clothes, only female pronouns. From here out.

I felt sick though. Trying to look away. Trying to keep myself in check. Trying to keep on my biological side of the spectrum.

I know I'm not transgender. Not completely. And being both isn't an option. Being both doesn't make sense. I really thought it did, I really thought I was okay. It's hard and confusing. And .. I can't. I won't.

Sexuality is one thing, but gender.. How can.. How can I possibly be both?! Just.. need to stop kidding myself. Stop asking others to give in to my delusions.

Perhaps that now that side has a name.. It's gone to far.

I'm sorry Toby. no one will get a chance to say your name.

Taking back my back my space.

I know this blog has been given, as an open book, to many trusted people over the years. Sadly, because of which, this space as been censored and filtered. Then slowly, left to collect dust.

But I'm unable to let something that I held so dearly to my heart, as my safe and cherished home, die that way. I need this space, I need to take it back.

There has been so much going on, that even with a search to talk to outside persons leaves me needing more. This was where I voiced my concerned and worked out what was going on. It was the best space for me.

So you'll be seeing much more updates. Funnily enough, I wrote this out months ago, craving the same thing. But I was unable to hit send. So here is that post.

Little Miss Lines..

..And the words she can't write down

This is my blog. My space. Where I can write what ever crosses my mind, or is even a flicker of a thought. But that's no longer true. No, this space, my space, it's filtered. With every new face I bring to this space, the less I'm able to write. Then, less and less, to the point there is no longer any updates. 

And that's not fair. 

I'm not able to write about the bottles of wine that hide in my closet. The smiles and glances, or kisses exchanged. How my loves are so very far away.. And I know I'm hurting them. Or the countless times I've stayed up all night sharing secrets with my room mate, our eyes as wide as the moon. I'm not able to write down how scared I am. How I'm scared to walk close to the railing, cause I'm thinking of what it would feel like to fall from five stories up. Or, how I'm thinking of chest binders, again. How each day I'm more uncomfortable in my skin, just craving to be neutral. 

And that.. That is not fair.

This is my space. And I have to reclaim it. What ever comes from that, has to come. I can't suppress these thoughts and fears any longer, I'm bursting at the seams.

I'm just, so very tired..

Little Alice and Caroline

A friendship long awaited.

A very very long time ago, perhaps a few short weeks after I started this blog, I had stumbled upon a non-profit personal project that was in its starting stages.

After going along on my own, struggling in the depths of my mind and trying to make it through some of the darkest days of my eating disorder, I decided to contact the people in charge of this project, I was trying to reach out for help.

I was put on a list, along with many other girls and boys. There wasn't enough people helping with the project to meet the high need for the finished product sadly, so there was quite a wait.

A few years had past, I forgot all about the list and the project. I struggled quite a bit, getting better then getting worse. In the past year or so I've kept my head above water however and I've been working to get myself in a better mind set.

Then, on a dark day after a stress filled week, right after a day of emotional eating and I was fighting old thoughts.. out of the blue, I got an email.

It was from one of the volunteers, asking if I still lived at my address in Revelstoke. 

I just stared at the screen. I couldn't believe it.. After all this time, after all this fighting when I thought everyone forgot about this battle.. There was this group of people that still believed in me, and more importantly, my recovery. 

I wrote her back, we exchanged a few emails, I thanked her endless in each message.. And, a week or so later, I got a package.

Inside the large manila envelope was something that brought tears to my eyes. Something hand made, with love, just for me. 

Her name is Caroline, she is my recovery buddy. 

(not sure you can read the message she came with)

"Hello, my name is Caroline and I love butterflies.
Butterflies represent transformation.
They start out as a caterpillar, go into a cacoon,
 and then they transform into something beautiful.
 Let's go catch some butterflies."

I just wanted to share her with you all. Something I've waited for so long for, made with love by people that are doing something so very beautiful and not asking for anything in return. These people are amazing, and truely wonderful. When ever I get scared, I hug her tight, and I think of all the friends that are counting on me, everyone that believes in me, and those people at the Recovery Buddy Project.

Everyone knows I can get better, that I can stay better. That everything is going to be okay. 

You can find the blog that I followed and contacted here.