Taking back my back my space.

I know this blog has been given, as an open book, to many trusted people over the years. Sadly, because of which, this space as been censored and filtered. Then slowly, left to collect dust.

But I'm unable to let something that I held so dearly to my heart, as my safe and cherished home, die that way. I need this space, I need to take it back.

There has been so much going on, that even with a search to talk to outside persons leaves me needing more. This was where I voiced my concerned and worked out what was going on. It was the best space for me.

So you'll be seeing much more updates. Funnily enough, I wrote this out months ago, craving the same thing. But I was unable to hit send. So here is that post.

Little Miss Lines..

..And the words she can't write down

This is my blog. My space. Where I can write what ever crosses my mind, or is even a flicker of a thought. But that's no longer true. No, this space, my space, it's filtered. With every new face I bring to this space, the less I'm able to write. Then, less and less, to the point there is no longer any updates. 

And that's not fair. 

I'm not able to write about the bottles of wine that hide in my closet. The smiles and glances, or kisses exchanged. How my loves are so very far away.. And I know I'm hurting them. Or the countless times I've stayed up all night sharing secrets with my room mate, our eyes as wide as the moon. I'm not able to write down how scared I am. How I'm scared to walk close to the railing, cause I'm thinking of what it would feel like to fall from five stories up. Or, how I'm thinking of chest binders, again. How each day I'm more uncomfortable in my skin, just craving to be neutral. 

And that.. That is not fair.

This is my space. And I have to reclaim it. What ever comes from that, has to come. I can't suppress these thoughts and fears any longer, I'm bursting at the seams.

I'm just, so very tired..

Little Alice and Caroline

A friendship long awaited.

A very very long time ago, perhaps a few short weeks after I started this blog, I had stumbled upon a non-profit personal project that was in its starting stages.

After going along on my own, struggling in the depths of my mind and trying to make it through some of the darkest days of my eating disorder, I decided to contact the people in charge of this project, I was trying to reach out for help.

I was put on a list, along with many other girls and boys. There wasn't enough people helping with the project to meet the high need for the finished product sadly, so there was quite a wait.

A few years had past, I forgot all about the list and the project. I struggled quite a bit, getting better then getting worse. In the past year or so I've kept my head above water however and I've been working to get myself in a better mind set.

Then, on a dark day after a stress filled week, right after a day of emotional eating and I was fighting old thoughts.. out of the blue, I got an email.

It was from one of the volunteers, asking if I still lived at my address in Revelstoke. 

I just stared at the screen. I couldn't believe it.. After all this time, after all this fighting when I thought everyone forgot about this battle.. There was this group of people that still believed in me, and more importantly, my recovery. 

I wrote her back, we exchanged a few emails, I thanked her endless in each message.. And, a week or so later, I got a package.

Inside the large manila envelope was something that brought tears to my eyes. Something hand made, with love, just for me. 

Her name is Caroline, she is my recovery buddy. 

(not sure you can read the message she came with)

"Hello, my name is Caroline and I love butterflies.
Butterflies represent transformation.
They start out as a caterpillar, go into a cacoon,
 and then they transform into something beautiful.
 Let's go catch some butterflies."

I just wanted to share her with you all. Something I've waited for so long for, made with love by people that are doing something so very beautiful and not asking for anything in return. These people are amazing, and truely wonderful. When ever I get scared, I hug her tight, and I think of all the friends that are counting on me, everyone that believes in me, and those people at the Recovery Buddy Project.

Everyone knows I can get better, that I can stay better. That everything is going to be okay. 

You can find the blog that I followed and contacted here.

First night alone..

I'm not sure how well I will fair.


Thank berry for the tubers?

Conventions, summer days..

And the softest of first kisses.

We've just said our goodbyes, I tried my honest hardest to hold back those tears.. But when you ran off the bus for one last embrace, I couldn't help myself. Then I got to watch your bus pull away. 

We had a week together though, and that's far more then other online couples get some times. It just feels like this morning I walked into the hotel lobby to be greeted with your warm hug for the first time. And now you're gone. 

I know it's not a final goodbye, it's a "see you later" but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm far too far away. Not only on the opposite coast, but in another country. I'm young, and ambitious, thoughts of how a move of that scale could work run though my head. Would I dare leave this beautiful land I've always called home for a love? 

Honestly? I get a knot in my stomach thinking about the possibilities and the outcomes of what a choice like that would be. 

Maybe I'm too young and love is simply confusing. All I know is the butterflies that  would fill me when our eyes would meet and you'd smile. 

I'm so happy I can make you smile <3

Midterms And Moving

Black Mold and Conventions. 

Its been just over a month since my last post. In that time I've written three post, which ended unfinished as drafts.. So much happens daily that I'm unsure where to even begin, so nothing gets written. 

Lets just start with the title then shall we? (Which is the only time over the course of this blog that I've ever been that direct.. it feels weird) 

Midterms.. I'm finishing my second month of schooling, and things are starting to pile up. Lots and lots of homework! But I'm really loving it. After wanting this for so long.. I'm finally here. I did have a few points at the start when I truly doubted myself. Thinking that this was no where near my field or capabilities.. Which ended with me crying at a bus stop and ready to drop out of my program. I'm glad I made it past that point. I do however still think this isn't my field, but this is education that is mandatory to further my career in print. 

Moving.. Yes, again. Seems that is my talent~ This time I hope is the last time till I'm done schooling though. The mold that was in my room mates room is found in the hallway as well. And I'm having intense chest pains.. On top of that, I'm ready to get away from my room mate. He is a nice guy, but not room mate type of person.. So like my style, I decided to move. With a week left in a month to pack, clean, and find a place. And just like my talent, I found a place with great people, that is clean and a bit more then I pay now, but still affordable. Sure its a tad far away, but I'm fine with it. more so cause I get a loft bed :-3 Gonna make so many forts!

Conventions.. EverFree Nothwest is coming up.. In a months time. Sure it seems like there is time, but with the growing list of things to, I'm doubting that it will go smoothly.. There is the tickets to buy, the train to book, the hotel to find, and my cosplay to finish. Seems like a short list sure.. But I doubt my ability to get everything done.. On top of my budget.. With this move I'll be in the hole, plus the convention and cosplay costs.. Then right after that the week I need to take off to go to this, and the convention in August right after this. I'm getting a little overwhelmed.. But I simply can't do what I normally do in these situations.. Back out. That's not an option. Not that I truely wish to, don't get me wrong. Thats just what I resort to doing.. And what I've been doing to every invitation as of late. No bowling, no fireworks, no movies, no mtg.. The friends I thought I was making, I'm loosing.. I hate social anxiety.. 

I miss naya. 

We talk more now, and its really great. But I know she is having some issues with Kayla, and is feeling lonely/with out friends. I wish I had regular schooling, With set days off in a row so I could go visit her.. I was going to see her on my break, but I'm not sure that will happen now.. I know she will be disappointed.. Even more so cause the next time I get to see her is at our con, which I'll be in school most of the time for any ways. I really don't want to disappoint her.. That's one of my deepest fears. It all goes back to her mothers death, I wasn't there, and I couldn't offer her anything. I disappointed her, even if she doesn't think of it like that, I know that's how it is.. I wasn't the friend she needed me to be. So I want nothing more then to be everything she needs now. And I can't do that. I miss her so much.. 

"True Love"

By archivealicorn

Some day you’ll have some wrinkles, you might have them today

Leave them or get a face lift, I’m fine with them either way

Your skin is yours alone, tattoo or pierce it if you want

I’ll show you off regardless, you I’ll always flaunt

Some day your weight will change, curves might leave or stay

And only for your health, might I care for what you weigh

Chubby, thin, or average, your body I’ll never shame

I’ll hold you tight, kiss you, and love you just the same

Some day your hair will fade, you can dye or leave it be

You can dye your hair right now, that’s ok with me

You can cut or trim your hair, in the manner you desire

Legs or head or genitals, it’s nothing I require

Some day you might change, the things you choose to eat

No more milk or eggs, I’m fine if we eat no meat

Vegan, vegetarian, organic, whole, or raw

I’ll respect your choices, for what you wish to gnaw

You may feel that your sex and gender don’t agree

That’s ok, my darling, you can be who you are with me

I will call you what you want, “they” or “he” or “she”

Holding hands through hate, hormones or surgery

Maybe you’ve got another lover, and feelings just as strong

As long as they’re respectful, I’m sure we’ll get along

Maybe I’ll love them too, and maybe they’ll love me

Together we can love another and happy we will be

Maybe you’ve got mental issues, depression, anxiety

Eating disorders, self-harm, by your side I’ll be

Regardless if they’re just acute, or something all your days

I’ll hold your hand, fight with you, and care for you all the ways

You might vary your desires, for affection, sex, or touch

Whether every day and night, or you don’t want it much

I’ll cuddle when you need it, snuggle, hug, and kiss

And if we do it, I’ll try hard to give orgasmic bliss

My love has one condition, for which there has to be:

“I won’t quit you, provided, you don’t quit on me.”

Love is hard to define, true love is hard to grow

So, my dear, I’ll love you, in every way I know.

I've opened up to one, and I've been accepted. To be honest, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Like a weights been lifted off of me. I'm still not completely fond of how I am, and still slightly worried about the future. But I've got the most loving and caring people by my side, and really, that's all I need. Sure things will be hard from time to time, and as with most things in life, get bumpy. But if those who I care so deeply about, care just as deeply about me (just the way I am) then why stress to change? I've never accepted this part of me, the part that has torn up so much of my past loves.. But I really think this is a good start. 

One love.

And feeling lonely..

There is something so terribly lonely, about loving someone so very far away.

Some times, I wish I was average. Simple, uncomplicated, plain.

There is something so terribly lonely,  about being able to love more then one person. 

I feel broken, or rather.. Over upgraded. Its bad enough I am attracted to all genders.. but this.. this isnt fun. Where it feels this is frowned upon by social norms, where Im ment to have a one.

To not feel deep intense and true love for more then one person.

I feel ashamed. 

You have no idea how badly I crave, to have a one.. 

But no. I have to choose. I cant have both. With choosing.. Comes pain. Crushing those I hold so dear to my heart.. 

Maybe, I should just be alone. Be away from ever falling in love again.

I cant stand this pain..

And even, after everything.. Im still falling asleep, alone. 

Another new year,

And the very best of birthday wishes.

My Sweet Bumble

Bumble, my sweet bumble

How do you do, 

I was just thinking about you

About how you came here so long ago

And changed the whole place from head to toe

How you've made so many friends 

From all around the world, you social girl

Every time you walk in, they flock to you

Like a big towering lighthouse of glee

That makes all of them chuckle and squee

You give them all hugs and cuddles too

Followed by adorable artwork, all from you

As months went by, you only made more friends

Many of which you thought would never have

But its all for the better, my sweet bumblesweet...

As without such friends in your life, 

you would never be so complete.

My birthday comes and goes every year, and more often then not, it's just another day.. As I don't have many friends to share that day with. However, this year hasn't been a regular one, and I've acquired more then a handful of deep meaningful friendships and loves. With whom, I got to celebrate my day with. And this year, it was by far the very best birthday I've ever had. From a shout out on a review show, to an amazing commission by one of my favortie pony artists, and even a thoughtful poem, I know I've been on my friends minds, in their thoughts and they have given me something from the heart. Not just gifts, but friendship as well. That alone is more then I could ever ask for. I feel so very lucky, and I know that I've just begun. Its such an amazing feeling knowing you are loved, I hope it never passes.