Vodka, Destructive Behaviours..

And all the reasons why I promised to never drink it again.

This morning, water and suds.. running down my legs, soft stinging.. slight irritation. More so the slight twists, and every step.. as my boot rubs my sock.. my skin.. raw skin. Just a constant reminder, this is how I learn to be a good girl. This is how I learn my lessons.

Sorry I told. I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems,
Shelter from cold. we are never alone.

This is how I once, long ago, use to learn my lessons.
Perhaps this is why this stinging feels like home.
If it makes any difference, I feel ashamed.
Just new marks to hide.

Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me whats it like to have
Myself so figured out.
I wish I knew..

"Just new marks to hide." Which seems silly. But no one wants to see fresh marks. Only pink ribbons left on soft skin. Because by then, they feel they don't have to intervene. As the damage is done, and clearly, they've moved passed it, right? I'm not saying I need someone to intervene. I know better. But vodka, vodka makes me forget that. That's why I swore to never drink it again. But I got nervous, I got scared. I panicked.

And no, I don't wish that I never made them. You've gotta fall to get back up again. Moments of weakness happen. I am, after all, only human. 

"Someone Like Me"

Note book pages, and post-it doodles
your name surrounded with hearts..

I said I'd wait, but I think now, you're waiting for me.

Poems, and late night calls, your letter in the mail. Soft sighs and day dreams. What happened to me? Where did I go? I was so sure.. I know, however, that one thing I'm still sure of is that, I love you. Just as much, if not more.. But I'm worried now, that I'm not quite enough. 

The moments when you breath deep, and finally think everything out. You get to have a word with yourself, and you see where you need to be, where you need to be going. 

I'm not going to say good by to the IRC, to my new friends. But when school starts, I won't be around as often. Schooling, homework, my studies, they will take top priority. I think I need to take that time to really figure myself out as well. I can't fully give myself to another person, love and care for them, until I'm all together myself. Then again.. Maybe this is just a copout answer.

But I know I need some time to be lonely.

Not belong to anyone, and just be with myself. Because loneliness, is one thing I'm terrified of. And I need to be okay with who I am, before I can let someone love that person. 

"Yes.."

"But I'm starting to think that isn't enough anymore."

I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm not sure anymore myself, and that scares me. I wanna know, and be all in like I was not so long ago. But, my heart is confused.

Then you look at me and simply.. smile, and I forget. 

I'm worried that even though there are feelings, true feelings. That you're a person that needs closeness, and I'm a little too far away. I hate thinking that. But I'm sure it's crossed your mind aswell. And, myself.. I need more affection..

But, that said.. I'm still waiting for your letter..

Then again.. I'm right on the edge of saying goodbye to the IRC. And those people I've come to let into my heart. Take some time to myself. Take some time, to meditate, to ground myself. To figure out who Alice is. 

It's gonna hurt.

But I strongly believe come the start of schooling, is something that I'll need to do. 

Wating On The Post

And Three Letter Words. 

Some days, I'm not too sure who I am anymore. I get cold, and see my old scars show up.. Slowly trace over then, and sigh. I was in a dark place then, but yet, here I am covering up new marks. 

I'm feeling more confident, day after day, with my new clothes and I've really noticed a change in myself.

But is new clothes enough?

who I am, now? 

More open about my likes, and even a drunk bumble told her room mate she might be a lesbian.

But, is that true?

If it is, then what are these feelings towards guys?

I was advised by a dear friend, that I should wait. Not jump into another relationship any time soon. Sort my self out first. And in east Vancouver, there really is no better place to truly discover yourself. 

Maybe, I'm just scared what I'll find there.

The best good morning texts..

And random acts off kindness.

These last few days, I've been out and about. To the mall, hung out with a new friend, even sitting and writing in a cafe, and grocery shopping. Normal everyday things, that I have a great issue doing. But, not so much these last few days.

As of late I've been comfortable and confident in my own skin. Which is a great feat in itself, as I never feel comfortable or confident.

The reason for this, I bought new clothes.

A few straight cut plain t-shirts, new sports bras, and most importantly a pair of jeans. Guy jeans.

I know its simply just fabric and jean material cut and sewn in a different fit. Then marketed and sold as male gendered style. But to me, it's more then just a pair of pants.

And that meaning has shone through in the form of my smile and lack of anxiety attacks. And if that doesn't speak volumes, I'm not sure how else to explain it.

Stringing Along?

But that's really not what it is. 

Really my dear, I can feel it, and I know you can as well.

With the late night calls, and shy smiles, it's so much more.

Regardless, we will know, in a months time.

Perhaps the maybe wasn't enough, but you're still worth this wait.

I just wish I knew.. just what to say, so you could feel safe. 

My arms are open, inviting, waiting for you. 

Here if you're scared. We can take it slow. 

I just.. I miss you so.

Long awaited trips to afar

Less then five weeks.. I'm worried.

Maybe this is cold feet.
Maybe this is some sort of sign.
Maybe this is my heart not really knowing what it wants.

I want to come see you.. and honestly, I know I'll hate myself if I don't.
If I let this maybe pass me by.

Maybe it was a good thing it was a maybe though.
I mean, we haven't known each other very long after all.
But here I am willing to give my heart away.

The maybe is still a maybe. And your still worth waiting for.
But maybe.. maybe it's too soon. Maybe I shouldn't come out..

Then again. I'm just scared. Terrified really.
Im not sure I'm the girl your falling for..

I don't want to hurt anyone.
But my heart isn't sure who to pick.. and.. as much as I don't want to.. I have to pick.

My heart hurts.

Words Writen Down

The Words That Are Written Away From Peering Eyes.

There ain't no-one else to blame

For all those sunny days

When all you see is rain

All you got are memories

But that just ain't the same

Some things I've come to realize, I am even unable to post here. Here, my blog. My one place that I can tell all. And that's a little more then a little bit saddening. At times I regret sharing my blog, I wish I could take back sharing this part of me. Or perhaps, I should start another one.. Just to get these thoughts out of my head. But I know I can't.

Even though this is indeed my space, there is somethings I simply cannot say out loud. Perhaps these things I simply do not wish to acknowledge happened, or thoughts that I'd rather not admit to having. Either way, it's more so the fact of I know who reads these posted words, and there is somethings I'd even rather not tell them.

Maybe that's what my little paper bound note books are for. Even then, it's not quite the same.

Then again, everything gets posted here sooner or later. Even the words that I know I shouldn't. Those posts are just the most vague.